Need Help with an Unsensitive Father

I am 32 also. It sounds like you are doing the right thing. limiting her time with him is wise if this is the infulence he has on her. I hope he realizes why you are doing this. I would try to get recorded evidend in case you feel the need to cut him out completely. May be have someone other than you daughter with you when youu make the exchange of custody. Make sure the school and your provider know about the situation.

He sounds like the crazy one. Don't let him hook you into arguing with him. You cannot change his attitude or actions! Give him whatever information you need to give him and then say good bye and hang up. If or I should say when he calls back say good bye again and then don't answer the phone. We can only get into an argument if we allow it to happen.
Man, do I know this from experience!!!!It's taken me years to learn how to not argue with my daughter.

Start out by telling yourself over and over that you will not respond to his craziness. Say it again before you call him and then stick to it. Tell him the first time that you will not argue and that you will say good bye and hang up anytime that you feel uncomfortable. Then stick to it. Succeeding will take time and practice.

Also tell yourself over and over that you are a good person and that what anyone else thinks or says does not change that. You don't have to convince anyone of anything.

I wonder why you needed to tell him that your daughter had a period considering his long time attitude of disrespect. Provide your daughter with supplies for her to keep in her back pack ready to use when she needs them. Don't tell her to keep it from him but she doesn't need to tell him either.

It is so sad that girls are maturing so early. It is a fact for all of society and although there are theories as to cause no one actually knows why it is happening. There is nothing that you could've done to cause it to happen. If he doesn't believe that it's his problem. Don't let him put it on you.

Talk with your daughter about having periods and even suggest that her father doesn't understand. Warn her that he may be angry and that if she's uncomfortable she should call you to pick her up.

Do you have a court order specifying visitation times or amounts? If not your daughter doesn't have to visit if she doesn't want to do so.

If you do you'll have to follow the order. I would suggest that you document the difficulties that your daughter has and return to court to get it changed. Do this especially if your daughter doesn't want to visit.

Keep this conflict between you and your ex. Do not put your daughter in the middle. Don't ask her to choose but tell her that you want to know if she's uncomfortable about anything and that most things are more easily managed if she will let you know what they are. Keep communication open.

As to after school care, if you are the custodial parent the choice is yours. The divorce decree may give him the right to make his wishes known. If you do have a legal decree take it to an attorney and have him explain what you can legally do. If you don't have a court order now would be a good time to get one especially if you think your ex will file. Being the first to file has advantageous. Legal Aid will help you on a sliding scale.

I wish you well. This is a very difficult thing for you to deal with. Please ask me questions if you wish. I have had some professional and personal experience in this area.

After thought: One way to document is to record phone conversations but do it only after you are able to remain rational. I found that knowing I was recording helped me stay on track.

Hi E.,
Wow, you really have your hands full. All I can tell you is stand your ground, try, try, try to keep it on a mature level but do not allow this man to jerk your chain. This is an all too common occurrence unfortunately. If you are the custodial parent it is up to you to call the shots when it comes to your daughter's wellbeing. Dad has some issues and I believe he simply wants to be a part of his child's life and have some say in what happens. However, he also is totally wrong in belittling you...this is the bottom line. I would go to a mediator and talk this out with this person as a go between. You can say what you feel, your daughter's father can say what he feels and this might help to clear the air. Under no circumstances does this man have a right to be verbally accusatory or abusive toward you. His attitude and actions do more harm for your daughter than anything else and he needs to know this. Your girl deserves a lot better than this bitter battle. If you feel something will benefit her you need to feel confident enough to give it a try and he needs to feel confident that you have her best interest in mind.
Best of luck to you.

I hate to say it this way but you need to stand up and get some back bone and let him know that until he starts making a change in his attitude that you just cant allow your daughter to be exposed to that. Its not healthy for you and its especially not healthy for her. He needs to know that you wont tolerate it any more. Hes going to get worse before he gets better, Hes going to threaten you and all kinds of good stuff, and I say record everything he says and does in a journal because if he does decide to be a real but head you have all this documentation about what he's been putting you through, and I would think any feeling kind judge will see it your way. I wish you good luck and I hope all turns out well for you and your daughter

You didn't say anything about your daughter's relationship with her father. It sounds like you and he don't get along, but please don't take your daughter's father away from her if they have a good relationship.

If you feel he's being emotionally abusive to her, then definitely take action to limit their time together, but too many divorced parents put their children in the middle of their conflicts, instead of giving them a chance to develop their own positive (or negative) interactions with their parents.

I have had a similar issues with my ex husband and totally understand how you feel. I wish I had an easy answer for you about how to deal with it. Unfortunately, there really isn't one. I can offer you support and some sympathy though! It really sucks for moms to have to put up with this stuff - and we tend to try to put up with it because we are sensitive to the needs of our children. It sounds as if you have custody and get to make the decisions about her schedule - if that's true, then it will be a bit easier for you. If you have to make decisions together I would recommend suggesting a mediator when he's being irrational.

Many girls develop earlier and you should not have to defend yourself. I would suggest not even engaging about it and telling him to talk to a pediatrician or do some research. At one point I had to stop having telephone conversations with my ex husband beyond logistics and refused to engage in any additional conversations. It took a bit, but it eventually changed the way we communicated and meant I got to remain sane. I gave him the opportunity to write things down and send them to me. It was effective for several reasons - one, I didn't have to hear all the emotional junk that he was throwing and I didn't get pushed into yelling and loosing my control. Two, he was forced to get his thoughts a bit more organized to write them and he became slightly :) more rational. Third, it gave me a record of his nonsense that I could use when we needed to engage attorneys.

Hang in their E.! I know it's rough.

Well, i have a few choice phrases i'd like to say to him...but i really shouldn't.
I don't know much about early periods, but if the dr. said it was ok, then....screw him!
Since you are overweight, you should get regular exersice and eat healthy ( which i'm sure you know) and probably feed your daughter properly.
You don't sound like a bad mom and no, putting your daughter in daycare for only 3 hours a day will not ruin her!
he sounds like a prick. sorry, but i couldn't hold back.
I had a mentally abusive boyfriend too( thank god i dumped him too!) when i got my license, he hid my keys! i was 20 when i got it. long story....anyway. don't worry about him.
i don't know what to say about letting her see him or not. i would ask her what she thought maybe.

K.

wow julie! i feel for you, but it sounds like maybe you SHOULD limit her time with him. if he is mentally abusive to you, then he will only be the same way with her. ESPECIALLY if she is reminding him of you. My little guy is only 11 months old, but I can see that I will already be dealing with a similar situation, if I don't do something about it now. I am a single parent also, and sometimes i feel alot of guilt when it comes to me not wanting my son to be around his father for similar reasons. i don't think people like that change. i think that the best thing you can do for yourself and your daughter is take the steps to become financially independent from him. that way you don't feel trapped into NEEDING him to be around her if you don't feel it's a wonderful situation for her. all of our kids deserve THE ABSOLUTE BEST of everything that we can provide for them, and an emotionally damaging relationship will stay with them forever. id unno, i would just say, that if she sees him talk to you / her that way, she's only going to think it's acceptable if it continues, and eventually think it's acceptable for another man in her future to act the same way. i know it scares me to death to think theat my son would some day treat another woman the way his father does. anyhow..... so rry i'm a terrible rambler! i would give him FIRM boundaries and tell him that if he continues to set that kind of an example for his daughter then he will not see her as often. also, i know it sounds a little manipulative, but you may want to ask him if he wants your daughters future boyfriend to treat her theway he treats you. maybe that will ring true for him.

good luck!

Hi when I read what you wrote it made me cry. For I was in a situation like you, mine was physical.
But I found a great man....(finally), anyway his exwife is VERY horible and they are going through there divorce and she treats him like what your ex treats you. I am proud of you for letting go off on him, like I was of him going off on her! What we did on that situation is we told her that she is to NOT call the house our cell phones, the only way she is to contact us is through email,or lawyers. And when it comes to see the kids she cannot come to the car when we pick/drop them off. So maybe you can do something like that....Remember your better than what he can give you....
hope it helps. oh by the way I was having my period at 9 also.

I think that you should talk to your daughter about her relationship with her father. talk to her on her level and don't lead her into saying anything leave it to her but I find really strange that he thinks his daughter is ruined because she started her period there are plenty of girls who do start that young it seems strange and it is hard to see your little girl grow up but my cousin started when she was 8 or 9 and even had very large breasts at a very young age. I also think that it is odd that he doesn't want her to do any activities where she would socialize outside of school. if I were you I would talk to a child psychologist about this and find a way to approach your daughter about her and her fathers relationship w/o bad mouthing him to her. it just sounds like there is more going on here than just his dislike for you.

I think that it could do you good to read a few books on how to deal with this kind of guy (since you have to deal with him anyway). If you can show him that you've heard his opinion and that you'll take that into consideration (whether you do or not) I bet that would deflect his attitude a lot. It sounds like some of his opinions are very valid, but he doesn't know how to get them out without being insulting.

It is true that diet and obesity can lead to early onset puberty. Most western doctors know very little about how diet effects the human body. Doctors are only required to take one or two basic diet classes in medical school. I think that it could do you good to read up on early puberty triggers to make sure that your daughter is not being affected by external sources (diet or lack of exercise).