Need Help with Something I Have Never Dealt with Before!

My pedi says its totally normal. I have a 4yr old who has a fav teddy bear. The pedi says to tell them to do it in their own room. I don't make a big deal about it.

I tell my girls to do that in private. I did it when I was a kid, everyone does. Don't make it something dirty, that she should be ashamed of, but tell her that it is something that is private, and to keep it to herself. This is not the Victorian Era, it is better that she find out what her parts do, that she do this for herself instead of some dirty little boy in middle school thinking that only little boys can make her feel this way. Don't over react!

Tell her gently and kindly that it is not something you do in public. Tell her she needs to go to her room to do it. Then don't say anything else. If you see her doing it in public, remind her that is is private and she needs to go to her room to do it.

She will not begin touching herself all the time. The more you make a big deal about this, the more she is going to be intrigued by it. She is not being "bad".

Touching herself is something that she needs to be doing, but she needs to know that it is something to be done in private. I remember once as a youngster that my mother came bounding into my room much the way you did and threw back the covers of my bed asking, "What are you doing under there?" and then promptly excusing herself and leaving the room. I don't know who was more embarassed. I didn't feel caught, but I think she felt embarassed at having invaded my privacy.

I'm surprised that you haven't noticed her touching herself long before this. It is something that all children do from birth to learn about their bodies. Of course, you know that the sensation is a nice one, so why not repeat it. Boys especially have a fixation with touching themselves often up into school age.

Just chill about the whole thing. She'll check out the equipment to see what it does. It's a good time to introduce her to her body including teaching her about reproduction and her menstrual cycle, but take it easy and take it slow.

I still have a book on the human body that I got about her age. I was fascinated with it. It has chapters on all of the body's system like the circulatory system, the skeleton, the digestive tract, and the male and female reproductive system along with the stages of development of a baby in the womb.

The point is that the book includes the entire body and not just one system. I was so intrigued by it all and knew so much about the insides that I decided at about 10 that I was going to be a doctor. I kept that idea through my sophomore year of college even doing volunteer work at several hospitals before I decided on something else.

Your daughter is acting very normally. No one needs to teach her what is so natural, but kids her age and younger don't have the hangups that the rest of us have been taught, so when they find something new to share with each other, they will.

It sounds like your husband might need a talking with about the realities of being a female and discovering one's own body. I'm sure he won't have a bit of problem with his son or his explorational behavior, because he did the same thing. If his only concept of female sexuality is of having sex and of women getting all of their satisfaction from a male/husband or being innocent and ignorant of her sensuality until a man introduces her to that world, he could probably use some enlightenment for himself and for the sake of both his children.

PLEASE DO NOT PUNISH HER OR MAKE HER FEEL ENBARASSED ABOUT THIS!!!!

Touching herself is TOTALLY normal & if you make her feel bad she will close down all lines of communication with you on EVERYTHING having to do with sexuality. You will need this to remain open if you want to be able to influence her latter on issues such as pre-marital sex, STDs, etc.

It should be a rule that if she feels the need to do this, then she must go to her room, the shower, or somewhere private.

Please be gentle and understanding. She needs your support & guidance, not punishment and alienation!
Good luck!
A.

I don't have a 7 yr old daughter so I wouldn't know how I would handle it. You are right that it is only natural so I would just make sure she knows that. Tell her that that is a very private thing. She should not do it around others nor should anyone be allowed to do it to her. I wouldn't punish her for it. Since it is natural she may feel like she is a bad girl for it (which she's not). I wouldn't make it a big deal. If she does it in private and no one knows about it then it's not a big deal. That is a very tough subject. I too have a 3 yr old boy who touches every now and then. I just tell him not to do that around other people.

Have another casual talk with her. Tell her that as she already knows, that isn't a place on our body that is for others to see or touch and that is why it is only ok to touch it in the privacy of her room when no one else is there. Tell her it isn't a big deal but you forgot to tell her that when you talked to her earlier. Don't shame her or punish her. It will confuse her and make her feel bad. It is totally a developmental stage and there isn't anything wrong with her.

Sex is not evil. What she is doing is like scratching an itch. If she hasn't been molested (which seems to be the case upon your first questioning), then she has NO connection with that act being a partner event or a perverse thing or any kind of sabotage to her future sexual health. It may be unfortunate that she has developed this "hunger" so early, but the act feels good, and many kids do it, and I'm not sure you can close the gate once it's been opened.
One thing I am sure of is that YOUR reactions, YOUR interaction upon discovery, YOUR attitudes will be subtly communicated, or not so subtly, and THAT, more than anything, will be what she keys off of. It's already begun if she felt the need to lie to you or try to play it off when you "caught" her the second time. How sad if your own presumptions or fears of what this means for her become the driver of her future attitudes toward things sexual.
Reassure her that this is a natural exploration of her body, nothing to be ashamed of, even to handing her a stand-up mirror and letting her examine closely all the delicate parts down there (many women never have, have no idea what they look like 'down there', our bodies having been off-limits, 'forbidden territory' ...from the Victorian era until recently), which accounted for a lot of fear and misinformation for women over the centuries. But also explain that some people, because of the ways we are differently raised, in various cultures, various families, various levels of attitude and reaction, may be especially sensitive about such things, and that this is not something to share with classmates or friends because of how their parents may be raising them, that it's not fair to put that onto them if their parents feel differently, and also that this is a very private act, not something to be done in front of others, and that she may well outgrow it at some point for awhile. Then tell her that when she is a bit older, you will discuss things related to this in much more detail and give her a fuller understanding of how such things work when one is adult. Then, let her be. If you're not going to insist and inculcate the Victorian-era attitudes of sexual repression and shame, then the greatest gift you can give her as a mother is to help her to develop a natural appreciation and acceptance of herself, in all her aspects.

She needs to know that there is absolutely nothing 'wrong' with it, but she needs to do it in private.
If you go the route of telling her it is wrong, it will create shame that will likely lead to a wall of communication between the two of you later on, when she needs to talk about sexually related things.
It is not too late to fix the issue at this point, just tell her you talked to her dad about it, and the two of you together, decided that it was 'not true' that it is wrong.
Just tell her that it is something that she should only discuss it with the you and dad (in case, God forbid, something happened to you.) Just tell her that it is private, and that it is not something appropriate to do or talk about in front of friends. Take care.

Sounds pretty normal to me at this age. However, you do have to be careful how to handle b/c you don't want her to feel bad. Honestly, I would just ignore the behavior except if she is doing this in public obviously this is not appropriate. You may want to say something like, showing our private areas in public is not appropriate. If you make a big deal about it, then it is going to always be a big deal. I don't know, that just my thoughts anyway. Good luck.

I agree with all the posts! Do not punish her, it is totally normal, make sure she knows that no one else is allowed to do that to her, and she can do it in private. Be glad she's already listened to you by doing it in private in her bedroom and not in the living room anymore. At her age it isn't a sexual act, it just tickles her. So take a deep breath and relax, everything is fine. Hope all these posts give you some peace of mind.

This is very natural. Do not punish your daughter for this. Tell her her body is her own and it is ok for her to touch her own parts as long as her hands are clean (you don't want infection) and that she is alone. These are her special parts and should not be shared or shown to others.

Our bodies are not something to be ashamed of and really the less issue you make of it the better. She should know what to call her vagina and she should take ownership of her own body. She's nearly 7 and puberty is only a few years away.

GL and God bless!

She sounds very normal. Since she is old enough to understand that some things are private I would just tell her that it is normal for her to feel this way, but that it is also something she should do in private, like in her room. Try not to make a big deal of it. Kids pick up on our non-verbal cues too. I think punishing a child for this behavior could really set them up for sexual dysfunction later. You can also explain to her that her baby brother is a baby and he doesn't understand that touching himself in this way is a private activity. Good luck momma!

Pretty much just reiterating what others have said, but yeah, it's completely normal. Don't make a big deal of it, just tell her that her private body parts are only for her viewing/touching and she should do that in private.

I wish my mother wouldn't have made such a big deal of it when I was a kid. I was so scared to touch myself as a teen that I let boyfriends do it for me. Had I been comfortable with myself and learned how to give myself pleasure, I would have probably not allowed my boyfriends to do it. Know what I mean? It's touchy subject, but I feel very strongly that girls need to feel that they own their privates and they will be the best at "handling" them. She's too young to understand all that, so I would just let her explore in private.

Well I'm sure you will get lots of different opinions on this topic but here is my $0.02 worth.
First of all is masterbation something that you feel is morally wrong? I ask because some religions teach that it is a sin. If that is the case with you then your approach to her needs to be from a spiritual/scriptural perspective. However not all religions and not all Christians feel that it is wrong.
If it is just something that makes you uncomfortable because it is a private thing then you need to explain it to her that way. You don't need to make her feel ashamed and end up lying to you about it. Sexuality should be a continuing dialogue between parents and children and not just a one time discussion at puberty. Wouldn't you rather (as uncomfortable as it can be) your daughter coem to you with questions and for advice than to her friends and the media?
I have been a nanny for over 17 years (until I had my own) and have dealt with this subject many times. It is not unusual for a child your daughters age and even many years younger to self stimulate. That is normal and should not be a major concern that she maybe saw it somewhere or has been abused in any way.
I would sit her down and tell her that that is personal and private. It is not for anyone else to see. Then I would leave it at that for now. I would not scold, shame or discipline. If you notice her doing it in the presence of the family simply whisper to her and remind her that is for private and not to be done in front of others.
You cna't really control wether she chooses to do it or not.
You can't be with her every second so the best thing to do is just to explain the privacy of the situation. Good luck.
t.

E.,

Absolutely do NOT punish her!! She is NOT doing anything wrong. If you make a big deal out of it, she will do it more and more and get "rebellious." Just don't make a big deal about it. If you catch her doing it, nicely tell her to do it in her room so she will be in private. Please do not make her feel ashamed. She is so innocent - she probably doesn't even know what sex is. It has NOTHING to do with sex. She found a spot on her body that feels good, which is totally normal!! Your baby is growing up - nothing you can do about it.

This is embarrasing, but I remember being young and doing the same thing. And no one taught me or harmed me in any way to "teach" me that, I guess I just figured it out somehow. So, I wouldn't worry about that. I wouldn't make her feel like it's bad. I think I'd talk to her like this. "God made our bodies very special, and yes it does tickle funny when you touch down there. But, that is also your private spot, so it's inappropriate to touch down there in public. When you are alone in your room, that's fine, but if other people can see you, it's inappropriate, and it's not something to do in public." And just leave it at that. There is nothing wrong. The other approach would be to explain that she needs to wash her hands before and after (especially if she's touching inside her underwear) because of germs. Germs on her hands could get into her privates and make her sick and vice versa. If you really don't want her to touch herself at all, then telling her this might work.

Good luck! I think it's more embarrassing than anything.

E., now that you know that no one has abused her---just ignore it. It will pass.
Great-Grandma

Another thought. When explaining to her that this is a private activity, you might point out other things we do in privacy. We shut the door when we use the bathroom or bathe. Thumb-suckers, above a certain age, do it in the privacy of their room---usually for comfort and to wind down from the day. We don't pick our nose, pass gas, burp in front of other people. I'm sure you can think of lots of other things to help you all realize this is just one of many personal and private activity. Respect her privacy and be sure she respects yours!
You are a good mother. God bless you!

She should not be punished, embarrassed, or disgraced in any way. If she chose to do it in the privacy of her own room and bed, then let her be. I think you have handled it perfectly (especially the questioning about if anyone had touched her). She wants to hide it from you because you told her it was a private matter. She is just doing as you told her. I think that if you make her feel like she is 'bad' for doing this, then it could potentially scar her sexual life forever, preventing her from enjoying a sexual relationship with her future husband. Self-exploration is normal, at any age, and we are born sexual beings. I applaud you for being a loving and concerned parent, but please do not make too much of this. Of course, continue to have open conversations with her about sex (in an age appropriate manner) as she grows. This will help her to not be embarrassed by her feelings, and will keep your relationship closer with your daughter. My heart goes out to you, and your husband in this difficult time.

My son has his own "way" with that as well. I'm trying hard not to be negative about it. At this point we've talked to him and told him if he wants to do that he needs to go to his room and that is something he needs to do in private. Usually he chooses to just stop. Sometimes he goes to his room.

Not to worry....your daughter is completely normal! All little girls discover their private parts and it is definitely something she should not be disciplined for. She just needs to know that that part of her body is private and that we don't touch them in front of other people. She will most likely stop the older and busier she gets.

I understand your fear and applaud you for asking the question on "how to handle this". It is a very touchy topic and can get controversial...however...I will say what I feel.

I would not suggest punishment. This is normal, even though we don't want to think about our children in this way.

She needs to know that is not "dirty", but something that needs to be done in private if she chooses to do it.

If she starts thinking it is "dirty" and bad now...she may grow up to have an unhealthy attitude toward sex and sexual relations with her husband someday.

I say this because I had one of those moms who taught that sex was dirty and bad. She didn't talk about sex or anything to me. I learned a lot from my friends because I could not talk to my mom about any feelings.

My 14 yr old knows that the communication door at our house is wide open with NO topic barred. We've been that way with her since day 1. Are some of our conversations a little uncomfortable...YES but I'd much rather be the one communicating with her (especially about sex topics) vs her relying on her friends or boyfriend for information.

Best wishes to you on managing through this. I know it is tough as moms/dads to realize that our children are growing up. Time flies.

Why would she get in trouble for doing something that is pretty natural? You don't want her to feel like it's a dirty thing - you don't want to set her up to be ashamed of her sexuality when she's an adult. I would encourage you to explain to her that it is something that should only be done in privacy - that doing it in public (like on the couch w/you and dad there) isn't acceptable - but she shouldn't be made to feel that touching herself and/or feeling good is always a bad thing. And she will most likely grow out of this phase and quit doing it if you stop devoting so much attention to it. My goddaughter was about the same age when she started doing this in the bathtub with her younger sister in the tub - mom explained to her that it was something that she should do alone and not in front of her baby sister - and shortly thereafter, she pretty much stopped doing it - you just want to be careful about setting her up for feeling shame in the future when she shouldn't feel shame. Best of luck.

Don't make her stop. She is doing what comes natural and nothing "bad" is meant by it. Just teach her that it is something we do in private, in her own room or the bathroom when she is by herself. There isn't anything wrong with what she is doing, but if you make her feel like it is wrong there may be problems down the line when she is older. Just gently remind her to use her "private time" for that.

This is a normal part of growing up...it feels good. Letting her know where it is appropriate-in her room by herself- and where it is not-in the living room-is a good way to approach it. Another important part is letting her know while it is okay that she touches herself, no one else is allowed to do it. Don't worry, this is normal.

This is a natural part of growing up. I would allow her to continue in the privacy of her own room. I would let her know that it is not something to be shared with others, but that it is not bad or dirty. This is your daughter's body and she has every right to explore it and find out how things work. Making her feel guilty or punishing her will only lead to problems later in life. You don't want her to feel guilty or dirty for touching her own body. God made her body the way it is and gave children the natural instinct to want to explore it, so please don't make her feel bad for doing that. Good luck!

When my son does that, it's fine as long as it's in private. I don't see the big deal. We don't make an issue of it unless he starts getting grabby in common living areas of our home.

This is a natural thing, and I personally don't think it's healthy to tell her she has to stop or make her feel ashamed about it. Rather, she needs to learn that it's a private thing that she can not do in front of other people; she needs to keep it to herself. I think that is a healthier issue. If you make her feel shame about sexuality now, she will close the door now and you won't be able to talk with her when more important issues of sexuality come up.