Need Opinion from Moms with Teenage Boys

Hi S.,

I agree with you. That is way to dark for a teenager to being writing about. I would get a counselor involved and also talk to him about his feelings to see where this is coming from. I wish you all the luck!

I.

Who is he talking about? Unfortunately, you need to look into this more. Talk to him about it, clean his room, do what you have to do so that you can get a better look at his life and what he is up to. Do you really want to take the chance that those words were just words. What you think is what you say, what you say is what you do, what you do is who you are. Good luck!

It seems to me that if he left it where you could find it, he may be asking for your help. If he left it there on accident - he left it there where it could be found and you found it. Talk to your son. It is true that song lyrics tend to be all about "shock value" for teens, but there may be some anger there. He may not know how to handle or process his emotions - or he may be doing just that by writing them out. The thing about teenagers is that they feel alot like a wild horse. They have these urges and the goal is to teach them how to harness what they feel. Your communication with your son is very important. If you send him to a counselor first, you may miss out on a great bonding conversation and may push him away. Talk to him - if you still feel there is something that needs professional attention, then proceed in that manner. God bless you and your family.

Wow S....this really would make a mom wonder. The first question that comes to mind is...are there any other worrisome things going on with him that you find a bit abnormal, or peculiar for him?? Do you talk openly about his social life? Does he offer information about his friends willingly without you asking usually? Is he spending more time alone? Have his eating habits changed? Does he get angry easily? These are all very important signs to watch for. I have some teenage nephews that have displayed some of these signs when there were troubles they were trying to hide.
If any of these things are going on...then yes, go and talk to a counselor. The teenage years are hard enough. Some parts of society do not make things easier on kids this age. I am now a grandma, but am far from being too old to remember what it was like. I raised 3 girls. I always made it a point to talk to them alot each day. We had sit down meals, which is very important. We would crawl in each other's beds on weekends on the morning just to talk. Their friends came over to our house alot to spend the nite. I got to know their friend's parents. I went along on the school trips with them and their friends, and they loved it when I did. You need to be a respected parent with rules, but also can be their friend. My girls are now 25, 27, and 34. Their freinds still come and give me a hug and call me mom. Remember, they are not adults in their teenage years, and their hormones are raging. Let them know how much you love them, and you are there for them no matter what. I always told my kids that if they ever got into a situation with alcohol, for instance, and they called us to come and pick them up...there would be no punishment. Don't be closed-mouthed because it seems what they want, and you don't want to upset them. A hug and a smile go a long way. Best of luck.

S. :)

I too have a 14 year old son who writes deep and dark things. It's their way to express themselves - some boys play sports, music, build things - our sons just write. My son is also a musician so he is very creative. The creativity mixed with raging hormones can sometimes seem alarming. I don't think you're overreacting, but I think it's just something to keep an eye on. With today's music our kids hear some deep dark stuff unfortunately, and it may be similar to some other song he's heard. Make sure you're communicating with your son all the time - be involved in his life, ask about his friends or kids at school. Work hard to keep your relationship open. My son was in counseling recently for other reasons, and we talked to her about some of the stuff he wrote. She assured us that it's part of being a teenager and releasing stress and tension. She also told us just to be aware, watchful and open with our son. I hope that helps!

Hi, I do not have a teenage boy but I have my degree in Social Work and did work in the field for a while. I think you are right, you AND your husband need to get involved. But, I think you need to seek advice from a counselor before you say anything to your step-son. He will most likely be furious that you read his composition book so hopefully a professional can give you appropriate ways on confronting him and trying to get him to open up to you and Dad. I don't know how close you and your step-son are, but it would seem that your Husband needs to lead this issue because he is his Father. That is a pretty scary song and hopefully there will end up being nothing to it, but those words are to strong and to serious to ignore. We have all been heart broken but to put down on paper those types of thoughts, seems a bit alarming. I think you are right in not ignoring it. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this and I will keep you in my prayers. A.

I think you might want to google some of the lyrics to figure out if they are original or someone else's song. Sometimes kids like to write down song lyrics because they think the song is cool and they want to "figure out what it means" or he may be upset with something going on socially in his life and that was his way of getting his frustration out- writing down a song he has heard before. Something else to consider is that he left the book out in the open. Usually a child who is trying to hide something wouldn't be so careless. I wonder three things: Did he leave it on purpose,Is he really not serious about what he wrote so he isn't afraid if someone found it, or is he crying out for help? I think talking to a counselor for some parenting advice might be a good route to go.

When I was a teenager I used poetry to get out my negative feelings... Mine were alot darker than his... It was just an outlet for bad feelings I didnt care to share with any one else... I think I turned out to be a pretty well adjusted adult.. Mommy of 4 and all...

As long as your son is not showing any sucidal, agressive, skipping school, or withdrawn symptoms... I dont think Id worry about it. I probably would not mention to him that you read his journal either. He might feel like you broke trust with him by "invading his privacy". Now I believe it is a parents right to know what is going on in their lives. Weather or not you had a real concern about bad behaviors. And if you did, absolutely you did the right thing by reading his journal. Even if you had no concern at all it's still your right as a parent. Good Luck!

If my teenage son wrote that, I would seek counseling.

Several ideas come to mind:
1-what made you look into his personal book in the first place? if you address the situation you'll have to fess up that you went into his personal space without permission and it may allow him feel like you broke his trust, leading to him hiding things in the future.

2-because he's your stepson, maybe you unconsciously are looking into the negatives about him because you may have a relationship that is not what you'd like it to be. this can cause automatic judgment and i wonder that now you've read this book will you look at him with sadness/hopelessness.

3-if you hadn't read the book would you have noticed any inappropriate behavior on his part? is he naturally violent and aggressive?

4-are you 100% positive that he wrote these lyrics or did he copy them from a song that he likes to listen to? what kind of music does he typically listen to? many rap artists including eminem has a horrifying (to me) song and video called 3am. if this is music he enjoys, then it probably goes as far as that, he wrote down the lyrics so he could sing with the song and maybe they are completely irrelevant to him.

5-yes shock factor in today's world is high. look at the graphics in movies and video games if you are unsure. we can't hide this from our kids or protect them from it as much as we want to because it may cause such curiosity that it will cause some kind of rebellion.

My overall thoughts are know your stepson. Spend time with him, does he have friends/girlfriends? Let him invite them over for dinner or just to hang out, get to know them. If you are confident that he's a great kid and you're positive and encouraging then that's all you can do. He is who he is. To reiterate, if he seems genuinely happy and positive then who cares about the song....again I don't believe he wrote it.....

Congratulations, I'm a stepmom as well-with a 14 yr old. so if you need a soundboard before you go to him or your husband, let me know...I have a girlfriend that I use, I'll call her before I'm about to hand out a consequence or when I'm feeling really upset about something that has happened between him and I. She can see things without emotion and with reason to help me make good choices and not over react in dealing with these challenging situations....

S.-
I am by far not a counselor or any type of therapist so my opinion is just that. I am writing my own reply before I read any of the others. So my first thought was oh'boy someone is going through puberty. I finish reading the lines and I am shocked and my final opinion was it seems to be close to home. Are you having trouble with your stepson personally or is his mother? And do you think he left it out on purpose so he could be caught before he does something drastic? I don't think those are normal words to write and I think you are correct in saying you need a 3rd party counselor. I have read it several times and will read it more.

That is indeed disturbing - both the writing and your husband's reaction (or lack of it) - insist that the entire family go to counseling regarding the issue - or consider your life in danger and leave.

This seems very angry and threatening towards women. I think you need to step in and address his feelings and get help if necessary.

Hi S. Q,
I have been a high school English and Drama teacher for 8 years now and what your step-son has written is normal for the teenage mind. He is very articulate and creative and is writing songs as as a self-expression. Now is the time to really get involved with your step-son's activities. I wouldn't confront him specifically about the sound but try to get him to tell you about his song writing interest. Good luck and no worries. You should read the letters I get from my drama kids :)

Have you asked him if that was an original composition or just words from an actual song that he transcribed? (I am just curious because it is rather dark but also very poetic, he has obvious talent if it is original.)

Anyway, remind him he left the book out in the open and you looked at it, and ask who he was writing about. Remember how intense every emotion was at that age? We think our teenage boys don't feel every new emotion or unreturned love just as deeply as girls just because they don't blubber about it to everyone they know. This is an awesome opportunity to talk with him about who and what that writing might be about.

I agree with the prior poster in that I too used poetry as an outlet and mine were pretty dark as well. I don't think you need to go running to a therapist, you just need to talk to him coming from a place of "curiosity" rather than letting on that you are concerned about his psychological well being. he will get defensive if he thinks you think there might be something wrong with him.

It is a good sign that he is able to use a form of journaling to express his emotions...better then keeping everything bottled up inside. Those are the ones you have to worry about.

Dear S. Q:

I have two sons, brothers, nephews, and a whole slew of adolesent neighborhood boys milling about at any given time. Without knowing the young man in question, it is difficult to know how to respond; however, he IS experiencing some STRONG emotions. Writing may be a healthy expression for him to help him deal with his intense feelings...on the other hand, the act of writing could well validate a course of action that would be devastating to the young lady involved and your stepson might feel perfectly justified--even vindicated--by his deeds.

If he were in my sphere of influence, I would definitely seek assistance from a competent therapist trained to work with troubled youth. HOGARES coms to mind, but there are many other wonderful people available. Even if he never intended actual harm, he may need help keeping fantasy and reality well defined...and YOU need the peace of mind and confidence in your stepson!

Blessings on you all,

C.

S.,

Go with your intuition mama, that's why we have it.Be genuine with your concern to your son and have an honest conversation with him about it and why it troubles you.

Good Luck!

Wow. When I find stuff like this I make a xerox copy of it and place it in a file. Then I ask my husband to take my son golfing and bring up the subject of girls or whatever the item was that disturbed me. Guy talk. Keep in mind that alot of society is dark and deep. It helps me to go to www.parentingtodaysteens.org and listen to advice. My youth leader always says that all kids are hurting. A moms approach would be to focus on the positives girs need or want in a guy. Maybe he is seeing it in his friends on how to treat girls. also, writing down out thoughts are good, it is acting on them that is bad. I wrote alot of things (Psalms if you will) when I was young and they were not always sweet. Hope this helps. If you have any advice for me---my 17 year old went homeless because he didn't want to live by my house rules or anyone else....I finally took his phone away for good after years of grief. Keep smiling

This may be coming in late, considering how quickly things seem to move on here, but... first off - what's the whole boy like? Does he have a pretty balanced life? good friends he talks deeply with? other adults he shares with? is he a loner? depressed? Feelings run deep in boys that age, maybe even more so than girls who can chatter it away or cry more easily. Those may be lyrics he wrote, or could just be some he copied as a way to channel and express his feelings if he's just gone through a break-up or rejection. I'd ask him. He'll probably be angry with you for violating his privacy (which you did), but he left it on THE COUCH... he very likely was hoping you or his Dad would find it to help him bring up something painful for him to talk about. I'd make it very clear that his feelings and well-being are what's important to you (and definitely not that you really think he might splatter some girl's skull). This could serve as a "gate opener" to allow a deeper relationhsip. He may be over it my now, but if he seems to have bigger issues, then I would seek at least a professional opinion. Blessings...

I had a son that wrote about how he hated his mother (me) and another one about suicide that seemed pretty dark. I talked to him about it and why he wrote them. He loves to act and thought that this was a role to play and that it was shocking enough to cause interest in his writing. I think that you need to talk to him (to be sure he wrote it and no one else) about why he wrote it and what he meant by it and Watch His Reactions. If he is defiant and angry or if he said that "so and so" deserves it, I would definitely have him see a counselor. If he is embarassed, he may be acting out to cause a stir among his friends. 14-year-olds are really tough on parents. They are learning to be a man by watching their parents and other adults. They are learning that they have power to make things happen with words and actions. They are learning that they can be more physically powerful than their parents. They need a lot of supervision and love. Hate bad behavior, but love the kid. Watch his friends and entertainment. He will tell you he hates you, but don't believe it. Keep watching him and telling him you love him. Keep grounding him for unacceptable behavior. If necessary, make him go to counseling. He will be grateful in later years. I am a mother of five boys that all made it successfully into adulthood and are wonderful fathers themselves. And, though they thought they hated me at times, they were grateful for my watchfulness and constant love. Good luck!