Need Some Motherly Advice

I have cut off a toxic sibling...and you know what I really don't miss the drama at all!!!

It has literally been the most peaceful two years of my life.

My sibling can't spread vicious rumors about thing I have supposedly said about other family members, because everyone knows that we aren't speaking.

I love it...best decision I have ever made...I cut the sib off and I don't think I will miss them ever!!!

It is obvious you are affected by this even though they are toxic. The genetic fiber really wishes the relationship could be better, but unfortunately it is not. But you do need to stay "connected" but somewhat distant. Send birthday cards, post on facebook if you have to well wishes on special occasions. Find one relative you can trust and if none, find an older M. you can share with. We need each other in this life and someone for that matter we can relate to. Hope that helps.

PrincessMomma,

I've been in your position. Over ten years ago, after a lot of work, struggling and counsel, I drew a line in the sand with my own mentally ill mother. I told her that if she wanted to have a relationship and stay in contact, that we would need to go to counseling together.(I didn't even ask her to get treatment, just counseling.) If she couldn't do that, then we could not have contact.

She chose no contact. I know this because I have never received a reply.

That said, she has maligned me to anyone and everyone who would listen. *Her* reason I decided to end contact: because I was apparently so petty and mad at her for not giving me a Christmas present my grandma had sent to her address.

No, I'm not joking.:(

I have relatives who believe this to this day. I have one sibling from my mom's side of the family-- just one person--who actually believes that our Mom is lying. It took her several years before she finally saw the truth and cut mom out of her life herself, and it was only when my mother had gone truly beyond the pale. It's a horror story, but that's what it takes some people to see the truth.

The point of all of this is to say that you cannot control what people are going to say and think about you-- all you can do is control your own actions. I don't think that engaging with toxic family to do damage control will have any effect, other than feeding into the drama. It will frustrate you and rob your family of the peace you've gained by exiting that situation.

My sister took a while, but she *did* eventually figure it out. I did not send photos or short letters or anything like that. I kept my distance and when my sister contacted me, then I was able to connect with her. But until she had come to her own realization, anything I had said would have been met with denial.

So~

Throw in the towel if that means not engaging with toxic family or 'defending' yourself to them. Be the "black sheep", if that means living your life in a healthy way and making sound choices for you and your family. Hey, black is always in style and by not protesting, they'll eventually get the message that you've moved on. Onward and upward, mama! It really does get better.:) Believe me! Ten years from now, you will feel sooooo relieved and happier in this regard. EMBRACE THE FREEDOM WITH OPEN ARMS!!!

(besides, if they are going to believe some kid's story about you instead of coming to you-- let'em believe what they want. they just aren't worth it!)

Bless your heart. It is so hard to not have support from a loving family. Especially when they are just not capable, for whatever reasons.

As an adult and as a parent, i have learned I want our daughter to have positive and healthy influences in her life.

I wanted her to know how people are supposed to treat each other and how we are to take responsibility for our own behaviors.

And so I daughter her about how to be the best WE can be.

We make mistakes and that is ok, everyone makes mistakes. We admit them.

When others make mistakes, we for give them.

But we also all deserve respect. If you do not treat me with respect, I do not have to keep y0ou in my life. I must give others respect. If they prove that they are not worth my respect, I will take my leave from them..

We cannot change others. We can only make sure we are our best.

If we are honest and take responsibility..We know the truth and do not need to prove it to anyone.

I love unconditionally. You mess with me and do not take responsibility or act like a mature adult. I will just need to keep away from you..

I do this, because i cannot waste my energy on selfish, self centered people.(even relatives). I have too many wonderful people in my life.

And then no regrets..

Report the 9 year old's FB profile for being underage. That will take care of that.

Secondly, only keep in contact with people in your family that are not toxic. If you can't count a single one as trustworthy or reliable then yes, cut every single one of them out. You don't need to correct anyone. They know the real score.

You don't owe them updates and photos of your family if they're as toxic as you say and if you really don't want them in your life. If you want to open that door back up, if you want to invite them in with all of the drama and stress, then initiate contact by sending photos and updates and trying to correct misinformation.

Stop checking their Facebooks and asking around about them. Block them all from all of your social networks so that you're not even tempted.

If you can't stand to be parted, then you have to limit your exposure and come up with ground rules. Don't give those ground rules to them, but stick to them yourself on what you will and will not tolerate before you get up and leave. Lower your expectations. Disconnect from them emotionally. Don't reconnect for the sake of the children. It sounds like they need to be protected from the crazy, so if this is a need for yourself reconsider.

honestly? i imagine it is VERY hard to separate yourself from the emotion if this situation.

but if you can for a moment - you already realize that these people are toxic. this child lives with your mother. you're not going to accomplish anything by addressing it, are you?

my suggestion is to block her (all of them) from your facebook. so that you don't see what they post, and they can't see what you post.

and let it go. you can't control it. trying will just make you crazy.

lots of us have had to do similar. it's not easy. hang in there!

Nothing in your post suggests a good reason to remain in contact with any family members. Without knowing why you want to contact them, I cannot advise you on whether or not to do so.

To make a decisions list the reasons for and against doing something as well as the goal you wish to obtain. If there are more reasons to do so that will also help you reach your goal, then do it. If making contact will not help you reach your goal or if there are more negative reasons than positive reasons then don't do so. Sounds simple, but it's not.

If you're wanting to make contact so that other family members know your side and will think better of you, I suggest that you not make contact. For me, the only good reason to maintain contact with anyone is if doing so makes my life better, if the relationship makes me feel good about myself and them. A relationship has to benefit both people involved and should be maintained when the goal is the relationship its self.

Those that know you well will know the truth. You can speak up where warranted but I wouldn't get into a FB argument with a 9 yr old. If you are close enough to your brother, you might call him and say you want to clear up a few things that you saw on niece's FB wall. But overall, I think that your parents have no boundaries, so you need some. Even if their version of the truth is believed by some. I'd take each family member on a case by case basis. I strongly dislike my cousin, but that does not mean that I don't send my uncle a photo of my daughter now and then. If that family member is toxic and shallow, then move on. But if they are also a diamond in the rough, reach out to them.

Sounds very toxic and I'd focus on your immediate family and friends. Also, a 9 year old with a FB account?! Even that makes me think you should keep your distance.

Im so sorry that your parents are jerks. Everyone deserves a good mother, but sadly not all of us get one. The first thing you should probably do is block anyone on fb that actually lives in her house with her. Then you dont have to worry about her getting on your fb, and you also dont have to read things they are posting about you. Then be sure to set your fb settings all to private.

The next thing to do would probably be to set up some sessions with a counselor where you can talk about boundaries and unhealthy relationships. As far as your mother telling lies about you and other family repeating them, when my mother did the same what I did was just ignore ignore ignore. Its hard to let someone go around spreading lies about you, but the truth is if your relatives were that worried, that could have called you up and talked to you about it. I would just be the bigger person and not waste energy on her and her gossip. So sorry you are going through this. My husband and I had a long talk over a year ago when we made the decision we didnt want my mother in our kids lives due to her unpredictable and nasty behavior (also there was some issues with drinking involved). It was a hard choice, but the amount of stress that it lifted off me was amazing. Not having to deal with her constantly and to be able to put all that energy into my kids instead is really a blessing. You will get there too, good luck.

I agree with AV, with these provisos: first, don't count on your family members for *anything*, even if any of them wants to stay in contact with you. Don't ask them for anything - not one thing - not even approval. There's a difference between being polite and being cordial. Be polite. If any of them contacts you, you decide whether to respond; don't feel obligated.

Second, don't act out the last sentence of your post. Don't give them that power. You *don't* want to become what your relatives say. (For one thing, you want something better - and for another, why give them the pleasure of seeing the prophecies fulfilled?)

When it comes right down to brass tacks, what they think of you isn't your concern. Your concern is what you do with your life and how you raise your children. Make friends with people in your area who have good, solid family lives - especially people a little older than you are - so you can get a picture of what you'd like your family to be and how to do it. It takes some learning.

I wouldn't purposefully continue contact with these relatives, but I'd keep a crack in the proverbial doorway open so I could use it later if I wanted to. I'd be willing to say hello once in a while if I were "hello-ed" at.

(I have a nine-year-old granddaughter and, although she can certainly write, I just can't imagine her being on FB - or even being interested. Are you sure somebody else isn't using your niece's name?)

It seems to me you are very wise for taking a step back and looking at this situation to get the best idea of what to do. I was dealing with some very toxic people who have to be in my life - I just remained very straightforward and always positive (not pollyana positive - but just polite) - never give out too much information, maybe none at all. But kept in contact - and in the end, no one has anything to say about me - and those that are suppose to fall out of my life have, those that remain are still there. The relationships aren't perfect, but I don't think any human beings have a perfect relationship - we just learn and grow at different rates - and of course there are some who just never learn....you do not need to remain in contact at all with those that are abusive and again you are wise for trying to heal your anger towards them and try to forgive them as best you can so you can move on and live a happy life. Good luck to you - this is quite a lot to deal with as your new year starts!! Keep talking to others about it -maybe you can find a counselor or good friend who is willing to listen and help you work through some of this too.

what's a 9 year old doing with a facebook account anyways? The rules are 13...

If your family is toxic? i would stay away and keep my time with them limited and VERY public instead of a private home. However, given that your family is doing things that make you feel violated and they have no remorse, I would cut all contact.

Don't put yourself in the peg they want. You cannot control them or their behavior. You can only control yours. So be the better person, don't sink to their level and just disconnect. Let them spread the lies and mischief. It will help you find out who your real friends are too...the one who believe the lies without questioning you - not friends.

Drop the family. I'm sorry.

Holiday card & pic.
Birthday cards.
School pictures yearly.

Sigh. Sorry about the situation but sounds like you need to maintain distance.

Anything and anyone toxic should be cut off completely. I know there is that longing for family at times, but if the patterns are always the same, regardless of what you feel, it isn't always the right thing. Just 'cuz your siblings/family, nothing guarantees that you get along or like each other. Sometimes friends are better than family. Why are you second guessing yourself if the patterns are always the same? As heartbreaking as it is, you need to cut them all off, as any small connection will always end up in drama by your mama, because you choose to stay in touch with only a few and not her. No sending anything, pictures, notes, cards..move on and be strong for yourself. There is nothing worse that a toxic family to bring you down. They've all labled you already, why would you exhaust yourself in trying to prove otherwise. An excercise in futility my dear.

I totally understand about your toxic family. I grew up in a toxic family and it was not until I completely left my family alone (with the exception of my sister-limited contact) that I was able to focus on my healing process. My parents quit taking to me for 5 years and I decided enough was enough. I was better off without the emotional roller coaster that I had been on since I was a kid. So, I went to counseling and focused on healing my inner child and adult self as well as learning that it was okay to express my feelings as long as I did so in a healthy manner. I learned that there are times when the children have to cut the strings with family in order to truly sort things out, heal, and a grow into the person that they are really meant to be. e.g. I didn't know I had leadership skills, because every time I would try to use them growing up, my parents would make sure I did not succeed. My parents treated me so much differently than the other kids, that I was shocked to find out that our housekeeper and gardener went to my parents and told them they thought I was not being treated fairly. I was when my dad and mom started their divorce process that I sent my mom a card, and days later she called me - we have been talking ever since and my dad passed a way of a massive heart attack so we were never able to make any amends.

I cut off all but one relative who moved across the country with me. I take care of him and he helped me out by providing housing when I was a child and taking me for medical treatment.

When my child asks about meeting them, I wish I could give her a big family, but it is not safe for us. I usually don't feel sad about it anymore.
It takes time and actually meeting new people, sort of a chosen family.
It takes years to get close to people, but it does help.

If I were you, I'd write on your niece's wall and tell her that what she is detailing is incorrect. Tell her that when she is grown, she may find that when people mis-state how things really are about her, that it will hurt her feelings a lot. You should tell her that you are very disappointed in what she has said.

I would not send any short letters or pictures of any sort until the time your mother makes overtures to apologize. All she will do is use the information to hurt you.

Do those select family members you are wondering about to connect with actually listen to YOU, or do they let your mother into their heads? If they believe your mom's lies, then don't bother.

For them to egg on a 9 year old to try to beat you up on FB is pretty serious, and I'm not sure that I'd be willing to put with that kind of family...

Dawn

I totally get where you coming from and as an "older" person who went through this all of my childhood I can tell you to cut the ties. I know it's not easy and you will always wish you had a family that you just don't have. For me I decided when my oldest daughter was about six and I started hearing things that were being said about her that were not at all based in fact (total lies, always lies about everything with my mother) I decided that was not going to happen to my children. We did not totally cut ties, we still occasionally talk to her etc., she is just not part of our day-to-day life. It gets easier as every day goes by. I was lucky that I have siblings who I very much have contact with and they have done basically the same thing. Really life is to short to get upset over things other people are doing/saying so just don't listen to it. If you see people that your mom has most likely told ridiculous things to, be honest. Realistically I have to think that they know that she is making stuff up. It's really too bad about your niece but we have that in our family also and it is really not at all her fault, she doesn't have any life skills to know different so try to keep contact with her and let her see first hand that the lies are not true. I wish you peace with your decision. I know it's not easy.

If I were you, I'd write off the most toxic ones but try to stay connected with the ones you care about and that care about you! I have two sisters; one I'm close to, the other I talk to when necessary. And I'm happy with the way things are!! I also have a brother but I stopped communicating with him years ago because he was so toxic and quite honestly, it doesn't bother me at all! The only thing about that situation that does bothers me even a little is that my niece has also written me off, along with my one sister - of couse she's going to side with her father even tho I know it's a lot of lies but I figure maybe one day she'll come around; and if not, so be it. I know my sister and I did nothing wrong so I can live with it.

As for FB - I would report your niece - she shouldn't even be on there!!

Good luck!!