Needing Advice

Do you want your young ones to understand that you love them unconditionally? If so, you need to bring home your first son and do what ever you need to to help him. No matter what the difficulties are that your first son faces, you are the best person to help him deal, handle, face or owrk on them. You may not feel up to the tast but it is your tast. He is your son and your new husband needs to be the worlds greatest stepdad, because your first son deservse nothing less. Good luck and god bless.

Ok, my kids are younger (4 and 6) so I haven't been through this stage yet. However, I have to ask why you let him live with his Dad in the first place? If you feel your son is not getting proper care (like seeing a dr.) then I think you need to step in. Of course, that may be easier said than done if he has run away and no one knows where he is. Having him in the house would certainly have an effect on your other kids. However, the 14 yr old is your son too and you should do what you can to get him the help he needs, even if that includes rehab. Hope this helps. Good luck!

I think you need to step in. You are his mother and he needs you now more than ever it sounds like. I understand the concern for your younger children but if his father isn't doing what needs to be done then you need to. Don't just sit back and watch and let society take care of him. It will turn out worse if you do. I know if it were one of my daughters I would do whatever I could to help them. Even if it ment rehab or military school.

I don't have any answeres. My sister has a son that is adhd and lived with his dad for a while. His dad was nuts! and that is putting it lightly, believe me so we couldn't expect much more from that child as the same genes are a part of his dna also. I understand wanting to help him. It sounds like the boy isn't happy with his father at all in order to run away. I understand your concern for him, however, you also have responsiblity for the other children also. If you have the money to go to psychiatrists... not psychologists, that will probably help him to work out some of his issues. If it were mine, I would be so torn. I really feel sorry for you. And I will say a prayer for you everynight. Maybe you can sit him down and say if any drugs are found and anything bad or abnormal goes on, you will have to go back or go to a "military type school" for trouble teens. I don't know if a speech like that will work or not but if he respects you and you sit him down and be very sincere and let him know that the other children will look up to him and he has to make a good impression and you depend on him to do good and be good, and if he doesn't you will have no other recourse but to send him back to his dad's, then maybe, just maybe with a little luck and lots of prayers.... he could change and be alright.
I have heard of kids so unhappy that they act out like that and then when they are where they want to be it is amazing how wonderful they are. And then I have heard of the opposite. But as a mother I know.... believe me I KNOW... that you want to do what you can for your children and it kills you to see them unhappy and hurt.
Like I said, I don't have any answers but I will say a prayer for you.

It sounds like he is crying out for some kind of help, for sure. If he's running away, then that's an indicator that he's not at all happy with his situation. If you don't think his dad is providing the help and support he needs, then you definitely need to get him out of that situation. He is your child and you can't let him grow up not getting love, affection and good guidance. You should consider taking him back but with the condition that there is counseling and/or rehab if he needs it. I think, before it's too late for him, he needs someone to step in because he can't do it on his own. He's still young and you are still his voice.

I think getting custody and getting him treatment is the first step. I have a son with ADHD and other issues. It has been hard with his little sister but keeping him talking to the doctors and on the proper medication helps. The running away would make me wonder if hs feels he doesn't belong anywhere. My son went through that at that age. His father had a new life and I had a new husband and daughter. He just didn't feel like he fit in anywhere. Just some things to consider. ADHD children require so much more attention and encourgment than non ADHD children, that can be the hardest part to remember.

Lins E.

I totally agree with Lela R. Sometimes these kids seem tough especially at age 14, but they need just as much love as the younger children, except they don't throw temper tantrums. They do drugs and act rebellious.

Think about counseling for the whole family. include your oldest son and his father. I do hope that you and your ex can get along well enough to go to counseling. A child needs both of his parents, and needs to know that you and his father have a good parenting relationship including good comunication. Best case scenario would be you and your husband and your ex sitting down together and talking with your son. It doesn't sound like that is going to happen. Maybe you and your ex should meet with a counselor first without your son to figure out the best way to address the issue and resolve some of the animosity you have towards each other. I highly suspect that is at the center of many of your sons emotional problems. Please seek some sort of counseling. It will help if you let it.

First things are first. You need to act upon the rumor and surprise him with a drug test and then see the results before any other decisions are made. I went through the sort of same situation except my son wasn't running away, he had a very bad negative attitude his grades were poor and always wanted to sleep always depressed like not eating. Low and behold to our knowledge the child had tried drugs and didn't know how to deal with getting away from the drugs. He was expelled from school and went to an alternative school which really opened his eyes to where he went wrong on the path of life, now he is clean from drugs and making honor roll in high school. Drugs are everywhere at schools today and if your son is not getting the attention that he thrives for peer pressure will real him into something he won't be able to get out of. Deal with the rumors first then once you know if the rumor is true then get him help and counseling before you bring him home to your younger children. You would not want your older child to have any negative influence on the younger children because it is harder and harder to straighten up a bad situation..........Take it from me get to the bottom of the rumor and snip that in the bud first then seek counseling and possible out patient rehab depending on the long term use of the drug. A hair sample can tell how long the person has been using the substance where the urine test can only clarify the use but not the length if use......Good Luck.

I understand and sympathize with your delima yet he is still your son and even if you can't bring him back into your home...you should get him out of his current situation. There are a lot of mental health resources out there that house teenagers witht these kinds of problems. They are secure and he would at least be safe, off the streets, and unable to access drugs.
I can tell you from experience that if this is allowed to continue. It will grow into something that can't be controlled or handled. You do not want to have to look back 10 or 20 years from now and live with regretts.
It really can get much much worse.
I would say to pray about it first and let GOD lead you to the right decision.
I really hope this helps and if you would like to talk further about my experience my e-mail is ____@____.com