We live in a great neighborhood, Our neighborhood is the kind where we look out for each others kids, rally together should a family have a hardship etc... Except for my immediate neighbor who never participates in any neighborhood activities, fine her choice. My husband really likes her husband so I put up with how obnoxious she is. She "thinks" that she is better than everyone, better taste, best house and she always seems to be in competition with me, no matter what I say or do she one ups me. She is so annoying she comes over to my house and critiques my decorating, makes subtle negative comments and frequently lies about silly things. Her kids are also annoying and she is constantly on top of them, yelling and controlling, it drives me crazy, inspite of that, I have been very neighborly letting her family swim in our pool any time they want, always including them in our summer barbecues etc..., Her husband is over here constantly during the summer months, we think to get away with her.
O.k here is the problem, I herniated a cervical disc two years ago and ended up having to leave my job due to the injury (I am working at a less physical job now) and due to the lack of income and medical bills we started to have a lot of finacial problems. Recently my husband had to take a second job and is not home much. I still have a lot of pain in my neck, but function o.k., The neghbor knows about my neck and my husband working two jobs etc...., obviously she does not know the extent of our finaancial issuesu.
Due to the snowstorm, our sidewalk, (Many sidewalks in our neighborhood were not shoveled) did not get shoveled. I couldn't do iot and my husband has not been home and we can't afford to hire. The snow is all ice and very difficult to shovel. Well this neighbor called the police and complained about our side walk, she complained annonymously, but I found out it was her. Our house was the only house that received a complaint and the police came to my door and gave 24 hours to get the walk cleared or we would get a fine everyday until the walk was cleared. Yet other sidewalks in our neighborhood are not cleared and I really don't care if they are or not, it is just the point that this woman complained anyonymously only about our sidewalk.
My question, how would you handle it, would you just ask her if she reported us and why (I know she did, I have a friend in the police force who found out for me)
Sorry for the grammatical errors, this computer screen is jumping all over!
I just want to add that she never called me once to let me know that our sidewalk was bothering her and we live on a very quiet road, that most people in this neighborhood walk in the street vs sidewalk when they go for walks.
I think this post is mostly a vent, because I am so frustrated that this woman would call the police on us and then act all nice to my face.
Thanks for reading and letting me get this off my chest.
Just to clarify, someone has helped with the walk since the complaint, we had to get someone as a daily fine would get out of hand
I had a nasty neighbor like that once. But I got lucky and they moved. I agree with Ellis. Send a nice note then never have them over again. If you husband likes her husband, they can visit at her house. Try not to give her another thought. I've learned people like this are a waste of energy and I shouldn't let them control my thoughts and time. Just be done with her. It'll be very liberating.
Hmm.... I'm a bit of a "killem with kindness" kinda gal...but also I will get my point across without having to be the B**** but I certainly can be a B*** if necessary. I would wait til her hubby gets home tonight and then give him a call and ask if he could come over to help you with something as your hubby is still at work. Once he gets there ask him if he would mind helping you get your sidewalk cleared. I would say something like "As you know, since my neck injury my hubby has had to take on a 2nd job and is rarely home during daylight hours. And obviously with my injury I am not capable of shoveling the snow and ice." Show him the notice, tell him the sidewalk must be an issue for his wife since she called the police to report it. "And I don't want my sidewalk to bother your wife to the point of calling the police on us. We have been given 24 hours to clear it or else we will receive a fine for every day it is not cleared. Would you mind helping us out in clearing this sidewalk so that your wife will be happy?" "I'm honestly surprised she called the police on us, if it bothered her that much she could have simply called us. With all the time we spend together enjoying BBQ's and swimming I would have thought she'd considered us good enough friends to simply address it with us directly." If he is as good a friend to your hubby as it seems he will have no problem clearing the walk for you both.....And I'm sure the dinner conversation at their house tonight will be quite interesting.
Maybe you could try something like this:
Next time you see her, mention that the police came, and that you were astounded that anyone in your friendly neighourhood would call the police about SNOW on the sidewalk, especially given the fact that you cannot physically do it, and that your husband is working two jobs.
Then maybe add that you had hoped that if this happened again, the neighbor would offer to help instead of making an already difficult situation much worse, since you cannot afford to hire someone right now to shovel the snow.
Then maybe ask (with feigned innocence), who does she think could have done that? And if you really want to pour it on, add this: could have done such an underhanded, unfeeling thing? and maybe say "I guess we don't know our neighbors as well as we thought, or perhaps we thought they were kinder people than they actually are....
And if you stare her straight in the eye when you do it, if she has any sense, she may realize that you know exactly who did it.....
I also think that, in light of the issues you're going through, it's perfectly okay for you to curtail your involvement with the family. If the husband wants to continue to come over & visit your DH, that's between them, but you can "just happen to be" too busy or "not feeling well" for their kids to come over or for them to use the pool, etc.
And rest assured that karma will get her eventually.....
Nice to know if you call anyonymously it doesnt really matter. If you have a friend that works for the police department, maybe they can pull some strings for you in your situation and they will leave you alone.
I, personally wouldnt say anything to her. But, if you know 100% that it was her, obviously she doesnt like you and I would cut ties with her and ignore her. There is no need to be fake anymore (Im talking both of you) and pretending you like each other. It is what it is, not everyone is going to like each other. I agree, she sounds like a hag. I have a neighbor with the similar situation, she just isnt very pleasant. I dont talk to her anymore but an occasional wave. Just dont talk to her.
Yes, I would walk right up to her door and tell her "I know you called the police on us, and let me fully explain why our walk was not shoveled". And then tell her the reason why. Maybe after hearing about your hardships, she will feel ashamed of herself for reporting you and think twice about doing it again. For some people, its easy to be mean behind someone's back. But when they are called out on it, it makes them realize how mean it really was. A reality check might snap her out of it.
I think she is extremely jealous of you. If her husband spends so much time at your house, maybe she is really mad at her husband and taking it out on you. Either way, whatever her reasons, I definately think you should stand up for yourself and tell her face to face that you know it was her, and it was a very rude thing to do to someone who has shown her nothing but kindness. Then, I would tell her your pool is closed! No more pool for her, no more bbq either!
Good luck to you. Keep your head high through this difficult time in your life. Hang in there!
Send her a nice note asking for her patience, kindness and generousity while your family deals with hardships. And then tell her what those hardships are so she cannot plead ignorance. Tell her how mortified you were to have the police knock on your door due to a little snow on your sidewalk and how much more neighborly it would have been for her to have spoken to you about it directly.
And then stop inviting her into your home, your family and your heart. Seriously -- Stop. And if she aks you directly about the break, tell her why.
We started shoveling the walk and snowblowing the driveway for our neighbors when he had back surgery. We continued when his wife became ill and passed away. We do it to this day for no other reason than it is kind, we are physically able and because we like storing up good karma for ourselves.
I would have gone over to her house and asked her husband to do it for you, told him someone complained and he knows you are physically not able and that hubby isn't home and could he please do this favor for your family...that would have really annoyed her.
That way it backfired on to her.
You should say something to her. Please don't be afraid to be a little confronting either-this warrants it. She called the police on you for goodness sakes! You can even just say-"Hey-I know that you called the police on us for not shoveling. I just wanted to let you know that the reason we could not do it is that I am physically unable and my husband was not home. " And then really-stop inviting her already. She has proven herself not to be your friend-in many ways, the most blatant being calling the police on you. And where in the past you probably felt compelled to invite her because you were 'friends' you kind of are not friends now. The ball is in your court now to end this and you should. When she doesn't get the invites anymore she will realize why. You can only be abused by people if you let them.
Since you live in a neighborhood where most everyone looks out for each other, why not reach out to the others and see if they will help you with the sidewalk through this ridiculous winter. Maybe you can respond in some other way despite your physical issues - babysit their kids so they can have a Saturday night date, make them a nice meal, or whatever you can do using your time and talents but not your money. Avoid the problem neighbor and let her see your true friends helping you out.
The true friends are the ones who should be using your pool! In fact, you can make them a "gift certificate" for helping you out with the snow, inviting them to a pool party or giving them 1 or 2 free passes to the pool at the time of their choosing. If someone in your neighborhood has a snowblower, perhaps that person could do the sidewalk, which would clear it and keep the ice from forming to begin with. You can pay them back in the summer with the thing you have - a pool - and not have to pay any money.
Meantime, I would stop inviting her over or allowing her to drop by - just say you have a herniated disk and you are in too much pain to be a proper hostess. When the good weather comes (which I hope it will!), put a lock on the gate to your pool (which I assume you have for safety reasons) and stop allowing this ingrate family to use it. Just say there are insurance/safety issues and you are not healthy enough to be a lifeguard or to clean the pool regularly, so you are unable to be as generous as you have been in the past. Your husband isn't around much because he took a 2nd job to pay off the medical bills (no shame in that). Don't ask for sympathy, just state the facts even in the form of "As you know, I've been quite ill for 2 years and in a lot of pain, and John has had to pick up the slack."
She's not your friend. She has a lot of problems obviously because she goes through life complaining and criticizing others in order to feel better about herself. Pity her, but don't spend a lot of time on her. Don't get into accusing her of reporting anonymously - it doesn't help to have her know that anonymous isn't anonymous in your town! It will just get her going and perhaps motivate her to do something else nasty. Wasting too much energy on finding out who called in your sidewalk is keeping you from finding a creative solution to your problem.
Move on. She's got problems and it's not up to you to solve them.
Sorry L. to hear about your troubles.
I am the kind of person that likes to be straight up so I would give it to her straight.
To save your friend from getting into any trouble for telling you your neighbours identity ask her " did you complain to the police". Or else check with your friend can you say that you know the identity.
Tell her she is not welcome in your home anymore but her husband is.
Tell her you would have more respect for her if she came to you first instead of calling the police.
This is your chance to end the "friendship" as you seem to be trapped in it for a while now.
Continuing to be fake nice with her will eventually start wearing on you and add more stress.
Let your husband continue his friendship with her husband if he wishes.
Best of Luck
B.
I think you should talk to your husband about the issues you have with her and how she is making it quite impossible for you to ignore further. I would try not to make the kids suffer by the moms behavior but she sure sounds like a biatch. I had the same type of neighborhood and that same exact neighbor once. I just ignored her tho, she was just a nosy busy body and I didnt let her get to me because my hubby really did like hers as well, and her kids were awesome and I enjoyed them. I just didnt give her much ammo. By not being over friendly to her you will make her suffer. She must watch way too much "desperate housewives" and has picked her neighborhood role as to be the one that's a pain in the a**. Maybe tell her you got a ticket for your icy walk and ask her if her kids would like to make a little money clearing it for you since you have a bad back and not enough money to fund a pro to come do it. You could invite her over for tea and put a bunch of miralax in it and know she'll have a raw butt tomorrow :)
Maybe she is jealous of what you have and your husband isn't running off to her house to get away from you like hers is. People try to make others look bad when really they are insecure about themselves. I wouldn't let her into my home again after that one and all the rude comments. Why would you want her around? Don't let her kids come to your pool anymore and maybe she'll get it. Hearing what a good hearted person you are I bet you would feel horrible hurting those kids feelings but you did say they are annoying so would it be that bad to not have them over as well?? My neighbors moved away due to a job move and hired someone to cut the grass for them. I saw the guy do it myself. He could have made it shorter than he did but they weren't there to talk to him. The next day they came home to finish packing and asked if the guy came and I said yes I saw him. She said someone called them in for not having their grass cut. I couldn't believe that. I thought people on our street were pretty easy going and I hope she wouldn't think it was us because I would never do anything like that especially to them. There's been times where we couldn't get right to our shoveling or grass either if things came up but we got it done as soon as possible. She is not a friend. I would mention something to her husband actually. Good luck with that and keep us posted.
In the neighborhood I grew up in, if someone couldn't shovel their walk (or their driveway or clear their mailbox or fire hydrant) - it was common for neighbors to just pitch in and help each other. If you could find out who cleared for you (and some times the good deed was done in secret)- baked goods were sent over to the Good Samaritan. Neighbors would trade favors.
You are in a position now to have to find someone who can clear the walk for you (a neighbor, a boy scout, a teen looking for a few extra bucks, etc) and pay them to do it. Although I'm surprised the law does not have exemptions for disabled, people with back problems, etc. Will a note from your doctor get the ticket dismissed?
I agree with cutting back on the kindness for this fair weather friend. If she can't be nice when the weather is nasty, who needs her when the weather is nice?
Oh my goodness. Such a tough one because it's just too uncomfortable to be enemies with neighbors. I'm sorry for your financial issues, that puts so much more stress on your other problems. Take a minute to clear your head, get your husband home long enough to shovel the walk way to at least get that problem off the plate. But you obviously have a bigger issue here. When you feel that you are calm, if it were me, I would call her and say, we need to have a talk. Explain that you won't tell her how you know, but that it's come to your attention that she is the person that called the police to report your sidewalk. Just ask her why she felt that she couldn't call you? Ask her if you've done something to offend her. This will disarm her. There is a saying that's so appropriate here - just keep your side of the street clean. Here it's figurative and literal. Don't say anything to her that will cause you to be in the wrong and cause you to need to apologize for your actions. Right now you can hold your head high, ask her what you've done to upset her so much, if she denies it, then there is absolutely no relationship to save. Explain to her husband that you and she have a difference of opinion on a lot of things and that including her in things makes you uncomfortable. If you make every honest effort to find out what her problem is, there's nothing more you can do. If she can't open up to you about why she's such a b*tch then you have to move on to save your sanity. Good luck with this.
I think you should have asked her husband for help with your sidewalk (or had your husband ask him since they are such good friends.) That way if it wasn't done properly she would have no one to blame but her own husband. But since it's behind you now, take a deep breath, take comfort in knowing you are a better person and she must be a truly miserable person to have done such a thing.
I would call one of the neighbors you are friendly with and ask for some help. We live on a tight-knit little block and my husband has always offered to help the neighbors do their driveways and walkways (so do the other hubbies).
I wouldn't confront her b/c that really won't accomplish anything in the end, but I would have someone do your walkway and then "thank" that person with a huge plate of cookies or a gift card!
