Newlywed Help! Stepparent Help!

Update...thanks f or the feedback, most of it. I made counseling appts every Tuesday through May. I also forwarded all this to my best friend, just putting more on her plate :( I am embarrassed. I've had more failed relationships then anyone can imagine.

Congratulations, you have found a man to make you happy! Like you said, you've never been so happy in all your life. How fighting to the point of vomiting and diarrhea and being called an "f-ing b" and "pyscho" can make you happy I have no idea, but hey, to each their own. We're you raised in some kind of prisoner or war situation or something?

How can you say that you "have never been so happy in [your] life" when you cry to the point of vomiting and diarrhea?
You are being abused and you need to get out, and do it yesterday.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4

What you have with him is not love. You committed too quickly and you're miserable. I didn't want a divorce either. I didn't want to be a failure. Own your mistakes in it. If you're willing to live with this - that's your choice. He refuses counseling so its your choice. He is what he is and will not change because he sees nothing wrong. You can't go into a realtionship thinking you can change someone else or that he'll grow up. Do you want your children to grow-up walking on eggshells hoping not to upset their stepdad??? Do you want them to grow-up resenting how you favor your step-daughter??? How much are you willing to sacrifice when your heart is already broken???

I know you asked for ways to cope. I recommend though changing your goal from coping with destructive dynamics to changing them in your family. Please go get help ASAP. A true sign that this is toxic is that you are pulling away from your mom. Please find a counselor to discover ways to have healthier relationships. You and your kids deserve better Mama. It will take work to break this cycle but you can do it. Fighting is ok but name calling is abusive and threatening to act out in front of guests is bullying behavior. Don't put up with it and if he does not agree to get help and change then you might have some tough decisions to make.

"He refuses counseling."

That does not mean that YOU can't go on your own.

What you both need, it seems, is not only couples counseling but parenting classes, especially parenting classes aimed at blended families where both parents are dealing with new stepchildren. And a relationship with a stepchild is so fraught with baggage on every side. (For instance, have you considered that he lets her wrap him around her little finger because he might feel guilty about her not being in her "first" family? Or that he feels he has to be an all-fun, all-the-time daddy to make up for hurting her? Those are classic reasons why a parent would let a child walk all over him after breaking up with the other parent.)

You also need help with your marriage because anyone who details her husband calling her the names you list, who then says later she's never been so happy in her life-- needs some help sorting out what's going on. He is issuing threats, saying he'll make a scene if you don't...do what? What he wants? That's controlling behavior; do you want to be controlled, called vile names, and wondering whether what you do and say will please him? Is that any way to be in a marriage?

You deserve better than this!

Please, please get marriage counseling and parenting classes. If he refuses to go, tell him you are going alone, but that if he continues to refuse to go, you will start having to think about your options regarding your marriage. Because....you WILL have to do that. Or you will have to go on lettting him call you intolerable things and letting him treat his child in ways that will eventually create a brat -- through his issues, not through any fault of the child's.

Your courtship was extremely short. Some couples spend much more than seven months just in premarital counseling to be sure they start marriage on a sound footing. Please let him know that there are two of you in this marriage and both of you need to get the counseling you would have benefited from before you got married -- especially with several kids involved.

Counseling. If he won't go, go on your own. It will either help you to learn ways to cope and work things out or see the need to separate. You can love him all you want but it won't change the situation, and I'm sure your marriage is good at times but if it stays like this it isn't good for your kids.

My ex was like your husband, she was "his" daughter and I was to let him raise her, yet he did nothing. She didn't have manners, common sense, or respect for anyone or anything. I taught her. And he actually told my sister his daughter came first. (He's my ex because he cheated on me, not because of her.)

Counseling can give you the tools you need to see what is actually going on and what he's doing or trying to do, which is to control you by threatening you. I seriously doubt you want your children to be raised by such a man, even part time. Please help yourself, you and your children don't deserve this.

Wow are you sure your in love? Or is it the thought of wanting it so bad? Sorry to come off harsh. You said you had 2 kids any of them daughters? Why would you want to let your children be a witness to mommy getting verbally abused? The things you said about how your husband is with his daughter is a little strange to me. Sounds like he doesn't have any respect for you at all. How can you be in love and have a marriage based on soo many things that are red flags to get away from. If he isn't willing to get counseling and step out of the bubble he is in and work together as a couple and a couple co parenting one another's children then maybe you need to make a harsh choice. Why put your self threw hell for someone who seems to not give a damn about how you feel and wants to call you every name in the book in front of people your children ect? Why continue to allow your self to become broken? If I were you I'd leave an sage your children a lot of pain and damage and your self. Good luck!

Updated

Wow are you sure your in love? Or is it the thought of wanting it so bad? Sorry to come off harsh. You said you had 2 kids any of them daughters? Why would you want to let your children be a witness to mommy getting verbally abused? The things you said about how your husband is with his daughter is a little strange to me. Sounds like he doesn't have any respect for you at all. How can you be in love and have a marriage based on soo many things that are red flags to get away from. If he isn't willing to get counseling and step out of the bubble he is in and work together as a couple and a couple co parenting one another's children then maybe you need to make a harsh choice. Why put your self threw hell for someone who seems to not give a damn about how you feel and wants to call you every name in the book in front of people your children ect? Why continue to allow your self to become broken? If I were you I'd leave an sage your children a lot of pain and damage and your self. Good luck!

how can anyone help you with this? you pre-emptively reject all the good commonsense advice you clearly know you're going to get.
some people don't know how to disagree in a healthy fashion. your husband is clearly one of these, and you may be too.
parents can have differences of opinions and parenting styles, but they have to have strategies to work these out. having wildly different rules and expectations is horribly unfair, not just to your SD but to your kids.
you're lying to your mom.
you throw in a few hurrahs about how happy you are, but mostly you seem to be in pain.
you do realize you're teaching your kids that THIS is happiness, right? this is the sort of joyful union they should aspire to when they're grown.
my husband has never, ever called me names like that. and when either of us has behaved poorly, it's not acceptable to blame the other person for 'pushing our buttons.' we're adults, and responsible for our own words and actions.
if he refuses to change, it's on you. you can model strength and resilience for your kids, or you can teach them how to be doormats.
khairete
S.

NO ONE WANTS A DIVORCE.

People get a divorce when they realize they are losing themself or hurting their children by continuing to be in a marriage that is unhealthy (at minimum) or abusive (such as yours).

You say **I love this man more than I love anything or anyone in the world and I can’t imagine life without him.**

It's too bad that you love him more than you love your children and his child. You are teaching your children that this is love. You are showing them their future. You are telling your mom things are good when they aren't because you are not honest with yourself.

Please go talk to your Dr. He can refer you to a therapist. You don't need marriage counseling. You need individual counseling to figure out what it will take for you to stand up for yourself and say I DESERVE BETTER. I AM WORTH MORE.

,To me it seems you have a twisted idea of what love even is. I love my husband and can not imagine being more compatible with anyone else but he is not a "prince". I love him completely but is he my only "true love" in this world? Probably not. I am pretty sure if I lived in TX or California or Ohio etc. I would have found someone to marry.
My husband has never in 17 years of marriage called me the names your husband calls you, nor does he question my parenting. He also has never made me feel torn and broken, hurt and destroyed.
Do you really love your husband more than anyone or anything in the world? How about your children?
This marriage is totally dysfunctional. I hope you make big changes for not only you but for your kids sake.

So, he was able to hide his true nature for 7 months? How clever. He is a malignant narcissist, a misogynist and a bully. He is no prince. His mission is to completely demean, debase and control you through intimidation and fear. Get out now:

http://www.drirene.com/catbox/index.php?showtopic=40676

Bottom line, you are seeing the "real him" and it's not nice. If he won't go to counseling, you go. For yourself. So you can see you're not alone, you're not crazy, and you are worth more than this. Stepparenting is not always easy and DH and I have struggled here and there but it should not be a constant fight. Your mom knows you and knows it's not "good". I bet your kids know it's not "good", either.

Do you love this man more than you love yourself? More than you love your children? Is it love or is it fear of being alone again? Love should not hurt you. If you love someone, he should not make you so upset on a regular basis that you get sick. That's not love. You shouldn't be hurt every day.

You need to love YOURSELF more and love your kids more than you want to be in that situation. My mom quickly married a guy when I graduated HS. He turned out to be a real jerk. It was so hard to see my mom hurt all the time. She didn't want to be divorced again, either, but when she finally said "enough", it was such a relief. Please do not stay where you are being abused. Sure, he'll yell and scream and maybe some people won't believe you, but let him yell. You get yourself a counselor, and an attorney. Please do not settle for this.

This sounds really dysfunctional in so many ways, I don't even know what to say. Good luck.

Marriage is stressful. Blending families is stressful. Call it what you want, but he is abusing you--emotionally ("I'm going to make a scene when people come over") and verbally ("fing B"). You are lying to your family about your life. These are all red flags. If he refuses counseling, then he obviously does not think what he is doing is wrong. Therefore, he will not change. If you don't leave for YOU, leave for your kids!

You feel the way you do (physically) because of him. It will probably only get worse.

Please don't think that marriage is just this way or that all married people fight this way. My husband and I have been together almost 20 years--married 12. We have struggled through 2 deployments, 7 military moves, several years of long distance, NO family support nearby, and a child born with a complex heart defect (3 open heart surgeries, life support, extended hospital stays, etc). We have NEVER name called, belittled each other, hit, etc. YOU deserve better. I am sorry:( Your family sounds great. Lean on them. Tell them what is going on. ((HUGS))

Why is everyone being so hard on you?

Sounds like you have to big concerns (not that unusual for newleyweds or blended families).

First - rules of engagement. Not everyone was raised being told that name-calling and yelling is abusive. Some people think it's just a normal part of fighting. Not saying it is, but he might have seen his parents fight this way. Talk to him about it (when you are calm and the kids aren't around). Let him know that this is very hurtful for you. If it happens again, try to very calmly say, "I really want to have this conversation with you, but I'm just not ok with the name-calling. Why don't we take a couple of minutes to calm down and then talk about this again." Give him a chance to try and break this habit. Breaking a habit is not an easy thing to do, so it might not happen immediatly.

Second, raising children. It's hard enough to be on the same page as parents when you were already married for a time and that child came the old fashion way. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and have two kids (4 & 6) and we still fight about what to do.

Again, you need to talk to him when you are calm and decide together what the rules are and how to discipline. Talk about your concerns and expectations and let him tell you his. You have to try and be on the same page as much as possible, but that's not going to happen unless you begin talking about it regularly.

When it comes to blended families though, you need to let him be the father and let him be the disciplinarian.

Not easy answers, but you can do this.

Wow, what a prince. I can totally see why you love him enough to let him teach your boys to act just like him someday.

Quotes " She is in second grade and he still lays with her until she falls asleep, if she wakes in the middle of the night (4-5 times weekly), he goes and sleeps with her instead of sending her back to bed,"
"not to be the “awful stepmother” but I am also teaching her things that he hasn’t ever---like sitting with a dress on, wearing clothes to bed, "

Ok I see right away the way he acts to you is abusive, but I am shocked no one else picked up on these 2 statements. the way you describe his treatment of his daughter appears to be "grooming behaviors " exhibited by sexual predators. She is in 2nd grade and is quiet capable of brushing her own teeth and hair etc. Why would he be laying down in bed with her if she has no clothes on??
My advice is to grab your kids and run. You don't need your kids seeing you being treated this way, and what if he is a predator? do you really want your kids subjected to that or thinking this behavior is normal? this is how your grandkids will be treated if you let your children see this as the normal.

The only way this relationship is going to survive is if you are both willing to seek counseling and the sessions focus on learning how to communicate in a healthy way. I can read between the lines that you are judging his parenting choices and that is step parent NO-NO #1! My 9yo son still climbs into bed with us when he has trouble sleeping and it doesn't mean anything inappropriate is happening.

The arguments sound like they are out of hand and his responses are inappropriate and abusive from your description, but are you telling us that this style of argument is new now that you are married? As I said, you need a counselor to help sort it out. Glad to hear you are scheduling some sessions.