Nine Years Old and MAD

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I think you really need to be focusing on tools she can use to calm down in the moment -- just punishing the outbursts won't solve this as clearly she doesn't currently have an alternative. She's got big feelings and needs a big way to express them. She needs to know that FEELING mad isn't the problem, but the behavior is. So what are some other ideas? Explore them with her, make a ton of suggestions, and make this a mission you can figure out together. Counting to 10, taking a personal time out to cool down, punching pillows, blowing bubbles, writing in a diary... she needs to find a way to control her reactions -- not the feelings themselves, but how she treats others when she feels this way. Use her great imagination here to brainstorm. You can absolutely help her figure this out and it will empower you both!

Hi, D.! Thank you for taking the time to ask this question, and for thinking so carefully about your daughter's short-term and long-term needs, and about others' needs. I also appreciate that you love and appreciate your daughter so much. Yaay mom!

I agree with the others here who suggest having your daughter in on the problem-solving discussion. Surely, she feels as bad about these outbursts as anyone else. She probably knows that she will lose friends if she continues with the outbursts. So sitting and discussing them (when she is in a good space) can be very useful. You can be like researchers together, or investigators, trying to find out what the problem is and what is the best way to resolve it. For instance, looking at previous outbursts and seeing how she was feeling during the few hours before each one. Was there a build-up of frustration?

I also appreciate the suggestions to read bout "tweens" and to look at blood sugar levels, and to look at what she eats in general (sweets, etc).

Good luck! Let us know how things go.
Siddheshwari

Has she always been this way? Or only now?
9 years old... is also considered to be a "tween"... I wonder if it is also hormonal.... since she is a pre-teen?

Next, some kids get like this when they are hungry and their blood sugar level drops (hypoglycemic).... thus they need to eat. When my daughter is hungry or starving, she gets a bit like this and moody. We make sure she eats/snacks every couple of hours. Even just an apple.

Next, some kids are greatly affected by what they eat. Sugar for example can make some kids real moody and tantrum... it affects some kids like a drug.

Next, does she get enough sleep? Lack of sleep really tweaks kids moods too and ability to just cope with stuff.

Try researching "tweens" and "tween behavior and development" online... there are many articles about it.

Next, maybe the counselor can teach her "coping skills" Instead.... since she does not seem to have any.... for her emotions. Kids don't automatically have coping-skills nor "problem solving" ability... and they need to be taught... and they need to practice it.
...kids, don't always "know" their feelings or "why" they act like this... BUT teaching them "coping-skills" and problem solving can be used regardless.... to help them vent... and more appropriately... and teaching them to CHOOSE the way they "explode" or get frustrated....

good luck,
Susan

I would take her out of karate completely until she learns to control herself. Meanwhile, I would not allow her to hit anyone, ever. I don't believe in violence, but if my son smacks his brother on the head, he has to learn not to do it. He will get either the same treatment or taken to the ground. I also let his older brother (nonviolently) hold his arms, to defend himself. While it's not nice or ever fun to hit your own child, I tend to think of the damage they could cause if their behavior goes unchecked. It depends on the situation. In some instances they are sorry and ready to apologize.

By having your daughter miss an activity, you are putting nobody in a bind. Simply explain that she was not able to attend - most people will be understanding.

My kids are awesome also. I can teach them now while they're little, or I can expect big problems when they're older (which is never a hassle-free stage).

There was an excellent article I read in Slate Magazine, they talked of one tennis player who acted up at a young age, and his parents took him out of the country club for the summer. He cleaned up his act and went on to become a world class athlete, with good grace.

One thing about apologies. I know your daughter is writing letters, but if she doesn't act sorry, it doesn't come from the heart. You might have a little heart to heart with her as well, about how she will treat her friends in the future.

Well, first of all, ask her. At nine she is plenty old to be asked what she feels is a fair consequence for these specific actions on her part. I would emphasize how disappointed you are in her when she handles her frustration with violence toward others. And also, punishment and consequences don't just have to be taking things away. Maybe for every time she lashes out with violence, she has to spend some volunteer time helping victims of violence in your community in some way. I would also spend some time talking to her and helping her brainstorm some better ways she should have handled each situation. Ask her for her thoughts and input, and wait on her answer. Often the same feelings will come up again, so at least if she's really thought about it, she has a better chance of handling it differently next time.

I also very much disagree with the statement to take her out of karate. Martial arts are about learning control. I would, however, make her tell her senseii about her use of violence on these other girls. He will have some words for her about this lack of control.

Wow, what a dilemma for you, mom. And for your daughter. Based on my 60-some years of life experience, including a few years tutoring at-risk kids in a high-school setting, let me just note a few responses I had to your request.

First, you seem to have labeled your daughter as having a "red-headed temper." If she has ever overheard that from a parent or teacher, she may interpret that as license to display bad temper. She can't help it, right? (BTW, I've been a redhead all my life, and have no more temper than the next person.)

Second, making her sit out a karate class is probably going to work against your deeper message, that she must learn control of her behavior, because a good martial arts teacher is trying to teach exactly that deeper message. And yes, the punishment would be too far from the misbehavior.

Third, if you see punishment as being your primary option, you're probably missing out on some far more positive consequenses. The letter-writing is great; positive, healing for all involved. Do be sure, however, that your daughter is able in retrospect to understand the ways in which her behavior was hurtful to both the other child AND herself, or she won't be able to apologize with sincerity. Which leads me to…

Fourth, if we as adults and nurturers require kids to say they're sorry when they are not, we are teaching them a form of dishonesty, and wreaking subtle violence on their little souls. It is good and necessary to be sorry when we transgress, but if they can just say so dishonestly so that they can go about their play, then they never get the benefit of really finding out what sorry feels like.

And, if you think about it, repentance and the resulting compassion rises from within oneself (perhaps with coaching and guidance), but not directly as a result of punishment or deprivation, which may serve only to make a child feel put-upon and misunderstood.

Finally, kids really need to know their parents are with them, and not against them. Of course punishment and correction are for the sake of the child, but it can seem heartless and divisive if administered without consideration to what the child is actually feeling about it.

With all that in mind, I hope you will read a terrific book by Faber and Mazlish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. (You can read part of this really practical guide to communicating with your kids here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...) They can show you how to help your daughter communicate her emotions and participate in finding more positive solutions than hurting other kids when she's mad. I use this approach with my grandson, and am often surprised and delighted with how brilliant and original kids can be.

Strong willed children need to be taught and practice how to handle their strong emotions. There is nothing wrong with feeling things deeply, but there is something wrong with dealing with those emotions by hitting other people. I suggest investing in a punching bag. Tell her that when she gets really upset, she is to run to the bag and get out all of her frustration instead of hitting and yelling at others. When she has delt with her "expoding" emotion, then she may be ready to talk with you about why she is so upset. It is also good practice for martial arts! Don't take her out of that......martial arts are great for helping kids have self-control and discipline. Good luck, she sounds like a great kid.

i'm so glad that you recognize your daughter's strengths in this and are more focused on helping her than just finding more creative punishments (and kudos to you for having kids who know how to entertain themselves!) i would definitely not take away the karate (martial arts discipline is perfectly geared to train kids how to deal with internal meltdowns like this) and stay focused on helping her to recognize when she's getting ready to blow and finding alternative coping mechanisms. a kid this sweet and smart is going to be able to help you help herself. make her part of the discussion process and solicit her input as to what SHE thinks will help her deal better.
love that you are having her write apology letters.
i think you sound like an excellent mom. stop beating yourself up!
khairete
S.