Not Feeling Sexy

I had the same problem. there are a few different ways to approach this. either way involves talking to him about it. if you can't communicate then you don't have a good relationship.
1. offer to look at the "material" with him. even if you don't like certain things. he will see you are making the effort.

2. spice things up in the bedroom. do something you wouldn't ordinarilly do that you know he likes. keep him interested.

if you can do these sort of things or be spontaneously romantic then he should come around if he doesn't then i am sorry to say you need to be blunt. tell him it bothers you and that if he is going to look at that sort of thing to please do it when you are not home and not to save it to the computer. you need to understand though we females have many "toys" available to us and men don't always have that option and as long as he spends equal time with you i wouldn't be too worried. at least he is not cheating on you with another person he is trying to prevent that which means he at least cares for you. either way let him know how you feel and that it needs to not be done when you are at home and can help him out.

Well i know exactly how you feel. I am in a relationship of 4 years and have a child from a previous relationship. I have many of time found that he was looking at things on the computer or even watching dvds and I was really upset. At first i had no idea what to do or how to approach it. It finally ate me up inside and i put it out on the table and asked why are you doing this when i am right there in the bedroom?? He said he didn't want to bother me, I had worked all day and took care of my daughter and I needed my rest. I was angry and upset for quite a while over all of this. But I noticed after i brought it to his attention he brought it all out in the open and i felt a lot better about the whole thing, at least i knew he wasn't hiding it from me. Try talking to him about it. It worked for me.

hmm well if its just looking at pics or movies me i wouldn't have a problem. As long as he ain't seeing someone else it should be cool. I see some responses saying its evil but me i think it can be a natural thing. I've went & bought my hubby a yr subscription to Penthouse & enjoy reading erotica myself. I guess it depends on your comfort level..I've saw my hubby doing r/p chat i don't care for it but its not a turn on for him.. but good luck most things improve with time .Believe me we got 4 kids here

my advice to you would be not to look at this situation by thinking of what other people do...everybody has their own thing there are some people who dont mind while there are other who just will not tolerate it...what makes you moan might not do the same for me...you are definately gonna have to talk to your husband once you figure out exactly hwo you feel how about the whole situation...if its something that really bothers you dont tolerate it bc you dont want to be prude...its just who you are...ps every guy doesnt do it...good luck bottom line you are gonna have to talk about it...thats what marriage is all about...he just has a booger in his nose give him a tissue & tell him to clean it out...

A.,
I feel your pain! My fiancé does the same darn thing! He's always liked those things, he had a whole VHS collection of them that I came across when we moved in together. (Some of the titles are pretty funny.)Your husband probably did too. When I first found the "nasty" sites in the Internet history, I was furious! The reason I was so mad is because we hadn't been intimate in some time, so I too figured he liked these "nasty women" more than me. I confronted him on it right away, I tend to have a nasty temper so I can't hide things that make me angry. Of course I was pregnant at the time, so his whole reason for not wanting to be intimate with me was he was afraid he'd hurt the baby. He was like that the entire time I was pregnant, both times (one successful and one miscarriage). He's probably been looking at them all along, you just never knew about it until now. As long as he isn't totally ignoring you, I wouldn't get too upset. I still find the sites on there, you can see them in Internet Explorer, if you type a "B" for "Bestbuy.com" I get "Bustybabes.com" or something like that. LOL. I tease him about it from time to time, but it hasn't really affected our sex life at all, he's been all into me since I had the baby, so I know those "nasty women" don't take over my position. What I would do too, if you notice he likes a particular type of nasty site, try doing that with him in the bedroom, I did and he really likes that. I'm just really nosey though, I had to click on each one to see what he was looking at. You should be able to talk to him about it though, just tell him what you saw and take it from there.

just because your husband is looking at certain things on the internet does not mean he's going to run out and get a girlfriend. your whole lives change after you have a baby. he may have reservations about having sex that are not connected to the way your body looks. remember he just saw a human being exit your body and that may have thrown him for a loop. talk to him, maybe he's just bored and wants to spice things up a little. your sex life if important to your marriage, and your marriage is the bedrock of your family. good luck.

I know exactly how you are feeling. I have been married for four years, and had this problem in the middle of our married life.
I would be sleeping, and he would be up for hours on the computer, and I knew exactly what he was looking at! It did bother me, and I would always wake up and confront him about it. (Of course this would turn into a huge fight)
His excuse was that he was not getting enough sex from me!
He really did not understand that after you have a baby, everything changes, even your desire for sex. You may not want it as often as you did when you were first married, or dating.
Men need to understand this! There is already a large gap between the sexual needs and desires of men vs. women; having kids, just makes that gap larger.
My advice is try confronting him about. Explain that it hurts you, and makes you feel uncomfortable. Try confronting him when he is in a good mood to try to avoid a fight.
Ask him why he would look at websites, rather than with you?

Comunication is the key. If you feel that uncomfortable with him looking at that stuff, then tell him. If he is an understanding guy, then maybe he will stop looking at it. Right now he may think you don't mind, since you haven't said anything to him. He must know that you know. It is a computer, and you can't hide what sites you have been to.

As a single mother I would be telling a lie if I said that I know exactly how you feel. Having a partner with you to share the parental experience is a blessing not only for you but for your child as well. The best gift you can give your child is a loving relationship between you and your husband. While your child is asleep, initiate conversation on how you have been feeling lately in general. When that topic broadens, then you can get to specifics. This issue should not interfere with your self-esteem or your marriage. Take charge of the issue now before the issue takes charge of you.

First I want to say that you are not being ridiculous at all. I have the same problem myself. My husband looks at those sites on our home computer as well. He does not know it but I know that he is signed up to some of those sites as well. I once got the password and screen name to one of his sites and he posted his picture for girls to write him and invite him to conversate on line about sexual acts. We have been married for about 1 year but was together more than 3. Although my husband is a very good man and a great supportive father I use to feel that his activities on line was a since of my lack of participation in the bedroom. I will admit that i am not in the mood as much as he would like me to be. It is a mental thing that I just can't shake. After talking to him several times about the computer issue and him denying it for a while, I finally accepted that maybe he needs for me to leave him alone about it. I had to tell myself that at least he is not out there personally with another woman physically. After a while he slowed down on his computer use. I will not say that he stopped all together but it is not as much as before. Ocassionally I see little invites and messages in his in box when he signs on to his email. I don't say anything. I just do what I can to keep our marriage together. If I am around I do notice that a lot of the email he does delete. Weather he goes back into his trash and retrieves them is another story. I don't want to find out if he does or not.

I know it is going to be hard at first but try to not nagg him about it. If you mention that it bothers you and he does not see any harm in it or denies what he is doing, just leave him alone. Find a way to do more physical things for him even when you don't feel totally up to it. Start with the little things. Make him see what he has right in front of him. Hopefully that will make him want to be on line less. Try it for a while and see how that works. Let me know what happens and what progress you are making.

Well, I know how you feel, but at the same time, he is your husband and you should be able to go to him and tell him what's on your mind. I had a situation like that when my husband brought home some magazines that were rather nasty and lude and i told him what I felt. He threw them away, after a nice heated agruement. But after a while, he understood what it did to me to see that. So I think you should try to talk to your husband. If he loves you, he shouldn't have too much of an issue listening to how you feel.

Hey A.,
you need to do exactly what you don't want to do...u need 2 talk to him about this...if not the feelings u have wil build and build...until finally you erupt at the wrong time for something totally unrelated.

do something for yourself..my son just turned 3mos old and i can relate to not feeling sexy. a friend of mine had to remind me of the person i was before the baby...i was one of those women who had standing 2 week appointments at the hair and nail salons. go get a manicure...buy yourself a complete outfit...go get your hair done. yes you are a mommy now, but don't forget the woman you were before the baby...good luck!

I'm totally with you! However, I think you can't correct this problem without talking to your husband about it. Whether you don't want him to do it at all or if you just want him to stop doing it while your around, he's not going to know that unless you tell him. It may spark an arguement, but you are feeling disrespected and you deserve to at least voice your opinion. It could be that it sparks a conversation about what you both need from each other and could turn into a very intimate and healthy conversation about your relationship.

A.,
I've read through most of the responses that people have written regarding yoru dilema. Some I agree with, some I don't. What i'm not really seeing is anyone emphasizing how IMPORTANT it is to talk to your husband. Marriages never work if there is not open communication between those involved. If there is soemthing your husband does that is making you uncomfortable you really need to try and be brave and discuss it with him. I'm not necessarily saying confront him on it (because that may cause him to get defensive). Just sit down with him adn comply explain you found the websights, you wuold like to understand what's goign on and tell him how you feel about it. It is only through open and honest communication that the relationship can grow and contiue to be strong. Good Luck.

Dear A.,

After I read your request, I realized that men will always be men. It seems that men expect their love life to be the same before the child and after the child. This is not the case, especially considering what you had to endure to bring your child into the world. I would say that you may not want to point out specifically the “materials” on the internet because you don’t want to lose his trust. I would say it is best that you talk to him and ask him what he dislikes and likes about the love life. I would personally take the time that you know that he’s on the internet for a romantic dinner or movie even at home. Hey, I would even put on some scented creams or cute outfits from Victoria Secret. Your love life partly contributes to a successful marriage, it takes work but if you don’t try you wouldn’t want anyone or anything to take your place. I wish you the best.

A.,
The same thing happend to me. After I had my daughter I started noticing the same things. I found strange websites on my computer history and my husband even wanted to have a "movie" playing when we were intimate! At first I was so embarrassed that I couldn't say anything! Then, I couldn't stand it anymore. I just brought it out in the open, told him that I felt like it was a form of cheating and asked him honestly why he did it. I'm sure this shocked him as I had never said anything before. But after discussing it, even though it was an uncomfortable conversation, he stopped. I would just try to be honest with him. It will be a little difficult, but it will get better! Good luck!
-Maggie

I went through this SAME thing. I told my hubby if he put all the time, money and effort into me instead of his 'hobby' he wouldn't need his 'hobby' any longer. Do you catch my drift? Instead of buying 'hobby supplies,' flowers would be a much better investment. Instead of sitting in front of the computer, he could fold a load of laundry while I rest. There is nothing sexier than a man who does the little things that makes the wife happy. And in turn, I make him happy. He got the hint, and he dropped his 'hobby.'

I feel like I wrote this about 2 years ago after my son LOL. Feeling less then sexy in your new mommy body, your tired and, you need a little bit more understanding since you are on the hormonal rollercoaster. As one of the others said Telling him that it bothers you in a not so confrontational way is a good thing. He probably dosn't think it bothers you. I also told my husband that the hour a day he takes my son off my hands without me having to ask made me want to jump him =p. It's time to start getting a bit more creative with yourself and your sexlife and over all it starts with honesty.

I know it's not easy, but when you have a quiet time together (maybe first thing when you wake up in the morning)you could try cuddling with your husband and talk to him about it. Tell him that you feel bad that you are not interested in having sex since having children but right now you are too tired or distracted or whatever it is. Ask him if he feels neglected. If the time is right you could bring up the internet situation. Just get the conversation going- it's so important. Most men are interested in that stuff, but he may just be doing it because he's feeling neglected. Also- sometimes you need to just be intimate whether you are in the mood or not.