One More Simple Question About 4 Yr. Old Dicipline W/time Out Issue

I say no playing, talking, blankies, teddys or anything else. They are supposed to be thinking about their transgressions in time out, otherwise why do it at all. No comfort, they are being disciplined. Just my 2 cents. -S. Kav

I allow my son to take his special blanket into time out but definitely no toys. Otherwise, it's just playtime elsewhere. As for talking, this is a soft rule in our house--we tell him there's no talking in time out but he's 4 and talks incessantly--seems cruel to make him hold his tongue that long!! lol So when he talks, I gently but firmly remind him he's in time out and we'll talk afterward.

I believe the point of time out is to stop the unwelcome behavior. If I restarted the time out every time he spoke, the poor kid would be in time out so long *I* would forget why he went in there in the first place. lol

Just remember to be consistent with whatever rules you decide for time out. Kids are comfortable with boundaries because they give them security from knowing what to expect.

D.

I agree with the first poster that timeout is a time for reflection and at this age if they have a toy it doesn't take away from that. What 4 year old do you know would sit perfectly still while they contemplate their actions? They are still learning how to behave and what expectations are at this age so I think if they have one thing to keep them 'company' it's not a big issue, at least for my kids. Now, if they get out of time out and get something or ask a sibling to get something that is definitely not okay.

For us, 'time out' is not a punishment in and of itself. It is a time for reflection and cooling off and I use it as a way to teach my kids that if they are misbehaving or having problems controlling their actions then they need to step away from the situation until they are ready to reenter the family and follow the rules. That's just what we do and it is very effective and I find it helps strengthen the bond between us versus when I sent them to time out as a punishment.

There are people I know with very well behaved older kids who tell me when their kids were small they'd actually RUN in a circle during their time out. Each kid is so different and no one cookie-cutter approach will work for each kid. You know your child and what he/she needs - adjust time out according to that.

I think it depends on the transgression - in general for doing something bad, I think that the chair in a different room with nothing to play with is great. However, I think the tantrum issue, frustration, anger, should be dealt with differently.

We had a speaker at our preschool last year who said that the time out is being away from mom or dad. She explained when they are throwing a tantrum, or angry, or frustrated, there is nothing wrong with thime out - away from mom and dad, in their own room.

She asked us to think about how we deal best with anger - sitting still looking at a blank wall, or being busy. She suggested that what we want them to do is to get rid of the negative emotions and anger that are creating the behaviour, and that working with their hands and doing something would be more effective than sitting in a chair doing nothing - where the anger and frustration may just get worse.

Just a thought!

I have tried it by when it is obvious my 4 year old is very tired, or lashing out do to frustration, just putting her in her room and telling her to come out when she has herself pulled together. Sometimes she comes out after 10 minutes, sometimes she falls asleep and comes out after an hour, but she almost always comes out smiling and sweet. I am calmer because I am not watching a clock and making sure that she is sitting in her chair where there is a constant screaming and crying.

Every child is different, see what works for yours!

Doing something after being told not to 3 times (like jumping off the table onto the sofa) gets the chair. Old school time out.

Hi K.,
Working in day care and using time out for my own children, I have found that just separating them from the situation and giving them some "cool down" time will work most of the time. Even if they are playing with a special stuffed toy, just the separation from the offending situation was enough. Most people will probably say that the child should not play or talk but I have found that if they have a special toy to talk about the situation with, they seem to understand a little better.

What I did with my oldest, who spent a lot of time in time out when she was younger, was give her a special time out friend. She was allowed to talk to this "friend" (hers was a stuffed bear that stayed in her time out spot) about what she was in time out for. If she began to talk about other things, I would remind her one time that she was there to work through what ever it was that landed her in time out to begin with. If that was not enough, I would remind her what she had done and restart her timer. It didn't take long before she figured out that when she was in that spot with her "friend" she was to figure out what she could have done differently in the situation. She still has her "friend", and I hear her talking to "him" in her room when things get a little rough for her.

Definitely no toys - this is a punishment, not another play area. But, I wouldn't care if they talked...I would just ignore them. They hate being ignored....but they have to know they can't have nice chit chat while being punished. I would set the corner far enough away from toys where they could not reach them and only start the time over if they left the corner....so therefore, no toys.
One more idea - your child is maybe too small for this one, but as she ages, maybe consider this - I used to hang a poster of things to think about while in time out - it would be next to the rules, so they would know what they were not supposed to do - and then it would give them some reflections about how to behave better....and why. So I would have a Bible verse of the week up that they could memorize, and a list of good things...so I would say "don't hit, don't lie, etc" and then underneath I would write "have respect for each other and yourself, be kind, etc" and write down all the beatitudes so they could 'think on these things.' It really helped to reaffirm positive thoughts and give them something to meditate on while they were being punished....

Time out for me means a chance to calm down, get out of reaction or control games, relax and live the way life matters to me. I need to play piano, write in a journal, play a little, listen to music, etc. I would give the child the same... NO ELECTRONICs like TV or toy computers, and no conversation with others (though she can talk appropriately to the wall). Let the timer control the time in time out. If she's not calmed down when she comes out of time out, she goes back in. My children (especially my four year old) can feel herself getting out of control and she grabs two dolls and a blanket and runs behind a chair before or when I tell her to go in time out. She comes out calm and ready to talk, and composed, most times.

In my house it varies depending on the cause for time out.

I'll allow a comfort toy in the time out chair or on the sofa if my child just really needs to cool down and de-stress. If I can catch her when I see her emotions are starting to flair but she hasn't committed a true offense.

If she has done something purposefully wrong, like: pull her sisters hair or kick her brother, throw toys because she's mad, name calling, etc...well, then she gets to take the time out chair to a corner with no toys.

One thing I always do is have them come to me after the timer goes off so I can see if they are ready to play again, if they are they have to apologize and give hugs. If they are not they either go back to time out or sit with me for a few minutes on the sofa until they can control themselves.

Hope this is helpful.
-S.

The purpose of time out is so that they can "think" about what they did, ideally. we do not allow anything in itme out-not loveies, books etc. If our girls get a toy and/or do something in time out theya re not supposed to then time out starts all over

Absolutely NO playing w/ anything in time out. That is the whole point: to take away whats pleasurable to them so that they have time to either think about what they have done or to get a break from the situation to regroup. As for talking in time out? Its probably not a good idea. Perhaps time out should be facing a wall or in a corner. The idea is separation from things, people and conversation. IF they are talking and playing then time out is not time out.
IF they do play or talk, then yes start the time over, but not for the playing/talking, just for the original offense. You cannot tack on punishments for other things or it will never end and the child will forget what the original offense was. HE/SHE should be put in a place where there are no toys anyway.
Now Ive seen on Nanny JoJo's show, kids that waller around and scoot around....Im not sure I find that acceptable either. Depends on how old the kid is. A 4 yr old should be able to sit somewhat still for 4 minutes.

depends on what method you subscribe to. The Magic 1-2-3 method says to send them to their room and if they play with something, who cares, it is the room that they want to be banished to. I personally think that they should have no toys. I put mine on the bottom step and try to remove all toys.

No toys and other forms of entertainment should not be welcome in time out. Talking included. One of the reason for time out is to give them time to think about what they have done to be put on time out. If you are giving them toys and stuff you are entertaining them and filling their time. They have no time to think and you are rewarding them for doing it. What other reason would you give them toys to play with.

I agree with Rachel. There is a great book called 1-2-3-Magic. their website is http://www.parentmagic.com/ Our elementary school uses this program and I have used it in my home/daycare home for 8+ years. It is a very easy book to read and very easy to implement the strategies. Good luck
K.

HI,
Timeout is not playtime so no toys should be near when in trouble. I would start the time over or add to it if they play with toys. I put my son in a corner away from all toys and I make him stand there for 5 mins. because he is 5 and if he talks or turns around I will give him one warning to be quiet or stay turned around or he will stay there longer. He hates the corner. Good Luck
S.