Dear All,
I wrote about this a month or two ago but the problem has not resolved itself, so I would like again some of your good wisdom.
I live abroad. My son is in a private preschool of 18 children per class, ages 3.5-4.5. For here, it is considered one of the best, although stateside it would be my 'safety' school :)
For about four months, one of his 'friends' (and they used to hang alot and have a playdate once a week and they still meet once a week at an after school activity) tells my son at least twice a week...."you are not my friend" or "you cannot play with us..."
Until now, my son, who is less sensitive than his mom :), has been able to mostly brush it off. He tells me about the incidents and we process together, and he seems OK.. I have not made it an issue as I was going with his seemingly mellow flow....
This past week, I think this repeated 'teasing' has gotten to him, and he connects the story with not wanting to go to preschool. All day now since yesterday's pick-up, he says he does not want to go back.....Including in his sleep! and first thing when he woke up.
My questions:
1. How should I guide my son to react???? Especially to help him strengthen his self-esteem....Up until now....We tell him that X's behavior is not nice. And that you have choices: you can tell him nothing and ignore it. You can tell him it is not nice..... My husband thinks we should teach him to say, "Good" or "it is a privilege to be my friend"...or some such thing...
2. What should I expect of the preschool teachers???? (They have not shared with me that this is happening. Only my son and another friend's mom....)
3. What should I expect of the parents of the child who is teasing???? Or nothing???
thank you in advance for your good advice.
Jilly
I agree with Diane. You can also go to the principal . Find out who is above the principal. 1 family I heard filed a police report for bullying. Good Luck.
In Kindergarten and preschool It is VERY common to hear "you are not my friend" These kids are very young and do not understand their own feelings and have no idea that other kid's feeling will be hurt. "You are not my friend" is immature language for "I do not want to play with you right now" Teach your son that. Teach him the correct response is "then I will play with..."
Most likely your son has picked up on how much this is upsetting you.
React to his stories with low emotions calmly say " Oh dear, not very nice of Johnny was it,I'm so glad you are nice to the kids in your class" Try not to over react! don't go on and on with how does this make you feel and how did you react and who in the class will play with you. Invite lots of diff. kids for play dates-one at a time.
You need to bring this to the teacher's attention so they can watch for and address this as soon as it happens. The teachers really need to step in and correct the other child's behavior because he's being a bully. They also need to assist your son in navigating the situation. Children this young aren't able to and shouldn't be expected to figure it out on their own.
When my son was in pre-school, "you are not my friend" really meant "I'm mad at you and want you to feel as angry as I am right now".
And an hour later they patched it up and were playing together again.
Sometimes it's good to play with other kids and give the friendship a rest.
In a class of 18 kids. it seems like there should be plenty other kids to play with.
This is VERY common at this age and I find the kids in my child's preschool have different "best friends" every day. Today they aren't friend tomorrow they are best friends. They all do it! They are still figuring out relationships and friendships and they don't quite get it that you can have more than one friend and that not everyone is "best friends." I teach my kids to blow it off and say something like "fine, we don't have to be friends." I remind them that they won't be friends with everyone in their class and that's ok. And likely the boy who is repeating it is just doing it because he is getting a reaction out of your son or he is just figuring out that it the statement in general gives him a little playground power to manipulate the other kids. I would discuss it with the teacher and let her know you are concerned but probably it will pass. My kids have had a few patches where they didn't want to go to school for a week or two and it usually blew right over. And they ended up being friends with the same girls they were having issues with a few weeks ago. If the boy is very persistent after some time or gets cruel I would definitely talk to the mom about it or ask the teacher to bring it up with her.
Not to downplay your question, but my son and one of his friends must have said "You're not my friend" or "You can't be my friend" to each other about 20 times during the car ride home to have a playdate yesterday!
My son became very frustrated with the other boy at one point (this kid likes to tease a bit) and burst into tears. Usually I make them try to work it out between themselves, but I did wade in this time and told them the playdate would have to be cancelled unless they both shaped up. In all honesty, though, I think I could have just said nothing and it wouldn't have changed the outcome one bit - by the time they got to the house and had a snack, they were best buddies again and they had a nice playdate.
As some of the other posters pointed out, I think this kind of language is very common for preschoolers, both boys and girls, and is a result of basic immaturity in expressing themselves. In my opinion, just continue to do what you're doing, pointing out that the other boy's behavior isn't very nice and his words aren't kind and encourage a variety of playdates for your son.
I'm not sure your son not wanting to go to preschool is linked to the other boy's behavior? Did he say he doesn't want to go to school because of this boy? Or he just doesn't want to go in general? My son has been going through a phase of saying he doesn't want to go to school for the past couple months. Now he's in camp and says he doesn't want to go to camp, even though he enjoys camp, just as he enjoyed school. I'm taking it as a typical preschool phase.
My daughter is the same age, and kids this age tell each other that all the time. It means "I'm angry with you," "you hurt my feelings," "you didn something I don't like" and/or "I want to hurt your feelings." They love it because it can carry a big reaction and can hurt or upset the person it's said to as much as the child is upset. I would not get involved in this at all. It's entirely normal; I don't know any of the kids who don't say this to each other and to adults/parents, too. My daughter tells me at various points in the day, "You're my best friend, mommy," "I'm not your BEST friend any more!," "I'm not your friend anymore" and "I love you, mommy." When she tells me I'm not her friend, I say non-chalantly, "Oh, that makes me sad because I love you so very much. OK, well, let me knsow when you're ready to be friends again." or "well, my most important job is to be your mommy. I can't always be your friend."
At school, I'd just suggest saying, "ok, well, I'll play with someone else then" and have your son go do something else as if he doesn't care.
I think the best way for you to handle this is to teach your son that it means very little and to show as little reaction to it as possible. If it's upsetting him, the other kids will continue saying this to him to get he reaction. I would not get the teachers or other parents involved in something so typical of the age.
That happened to my daughter when she was in Preschool.
And she was even being told racist remarks. ie: "you can't play with us because you don't have blond hair...." My daughter's hair is brown.
I TOLD the Teachers.
Once I told them, I found out that those kids that were doing that to my daughter... had ALSO had a history of being mean and racist to other kids.
They talked to the child, reported it to the parents, talked to the ENTIRE CLASS about right/wrong behavior. (all with total privacy and not naming my daughter point blank as an example).
And they kept an eye on it.
And... if it had happened again, because these kids had repeatedly done this to others before to other kids besides my daughter, they would be reprimanded.
Ditto Diane D. below.
You CANNOT expect kids, this young, to know what to do or what to say or how to act or how to react nor to memorize everything you tell them about how to handle it.
They are not little adults. The parent needs to step in. Handle it with the teacher/school and be an example of how to problem-solve and negotiate things, with others.
Teach your child in the meantime, how to speak up.
How to stand up for himself.
How to know, that he is not a "victim."
And how to report it.... to the supervising adult or Teacher.
You cannot expect anything, from the parents of the child who is teasing.
But the school or Teacher, will.... or should handle it.
It is not for you to go to the other parents. The school, should.
jilly, i didn't see your original question so i don't know what kind of answers you got, but i will tell you from my experience, none of this is abnormal. kids do this ALL the time. and as far as what the teachers should be doing to stop it? nothing. IF it was to escalate to shouting or get physical, then i'm sure they'd separate them. but it is totally normal for kids this age to say "i don't like you anymore" or what have you. as B said, that is 4 year old speak for "you didn't do what i want you to do and i don't like it!" honestly i feel it's a little much expect anyone to "do" anything. i would just tell him, well you need to find someone else, or something else, to play with then. if someone is not treating you nicely, then you walk away and go somewhere else. everyone doesn't have to be best friend all the time. no biggie. guarantee your son has said similar things to them. if he hasn't he will eventually.
just an example for you - my son came home from school one day saying how so-and-so was being SOOO MEAN, and wouldn't be their friend anymore, and he just sounded so upset by it - after some digging, i found out that when my son had wanted to play spiderman, so-and-so hadn't, they'd wanted to play tag. it sounded like the end of a lifelong friendship the way he told it. the next day it was completely forgotten. this is how the 4 year old set handles disagreements, to put it simply.
it is also very normal for a 4 year old to discover that preschool/daycare is not all fun and games. when my son realized that 1. he had to actually do some work (letters, numbers, etc), and 2. he was expected to dress himself and get ready to go, suddenly, it wasn't as fun and he "hated school" and didn't want to go. this is all completely normal kid stuff.
i personally feel like you should put your "expectations" to the side. these instances have nothing to do with the quality of the school.
Hi Jilly, all I can say, is most of the time kids can be mean. They are trying to learn their way. That doesn't make it right though!! Anyway, regarding your questions, 1. you are telling him the right things. That is all he can do. 2. Expect nothing of the teachers except that they are teaching the kids to have good manners and to keep their hands to themselves. They cannot police the kids 100% of the time, especially at play time. 3. Absolutely expect nothing of the parents, unless your son get's hurt. Then I'd talk to them.
You should make it a point to make some playdates with other kids. You pick the kids and go from there. Do you attend church? More opportunities for playdates there too.
I know it is hard when our kids are treated that way from other kids. I am dealing with this too, and my kids are teens!! It all boils down to just make sure your kid is acting the right way, and hopefully the kids that you want your kids to be friends with, will notice and befriend him. Good luck.
This is very common behavior. BUT it is behavior that kids need to learn how to deal with. I would absolutely get the teacher involved. She should be helping both children deal with their feelings and learn how to interact. Pretty much preschool IS FOR LEARNING how to interact. The academics are nice - but they will get them no matter what. I would try role playing with your son as well.
I would not get invved in this little kids stuff..
My son and daughter do this all the time.. " you are not my friend" "I wont play with you" the ohter one cries.. and then 2 minutes later.. they are best friends..
this is normal behavior for little immature kids.. If it really bohters you mention it to the teacher 1 time only... and then ignore it.. it is normal for little kids to fight and bicker with each other they do not have mature social skills at this age.
