Open Marriage

My gut response to this is, over time it isn't going to lead you to anything good. If you didn't have kids I may think differently... but you do. Blessings.

L.,
Don't get into this world's version of marraige. The Bible calls us to be in the world, not of the world. Also, the 7th Commandment (from God, you did say that you are a believer) instructs us to "Do not commit adultery". Even if you do this with your spouses permission, it's still adultery and sinful.
Being married means making a commitment, to forsake ALL others and commit to your spouse. You should know that something is wrong when you don't want your kids to know about it. We as parents are supposed to be examples for our children. Especially as Christians, the Bible says to teach our children when we wake, when we walk along the way, and when we sit down. What are you teaching your children?
I recommend speaking with your pastor and/or Christain counselors. Please see that God cares about everything in our lives, including our sex lives. That gift is to be reserved for the ONE we are married to. If it wasn't such a big deal, God would not had made it very clear to us not to commit adultery.
God bless you and I pray that you and your husband will seek His will and some Christain help. Please keep this in mind, committing sin in the open (which your still hiding from your children and others because you know it's wrong), is still sin.

Don't kid yourself, this idea is from Satan. Do you know if your husband has already started this and is just seeking permission?

There is nothing healthy about this. If it simply about sex, get divorced. It's still cheating even if the other one knows about it. It's great that you both are being honest now, but I see nothing but heart-ache and health risks with this idea. What are you going to tell your girls? You brought up church, so I'll mention something about that: What would your minister say about this? This is clearly not how God intented marriage to be and I imagine the vows you took said something to the effect of 'forsaking all others'. This is not a hateful response, but please think long and hard before making sex with other people take a higher priority than your morals and beliefs. Usually when we have to seek advice about a problem like this, it means deep down we know it is wrong.

Hi L.,

Open marriage would not be the way fro me and I think there are way too many risks (i.e. one of you falling in love with the third party). If you are not comfortable with your kids knowing this lifestyle, it probably doesn't need to be introduced into the household. The major point I noticed was that you are having a hard time reaching to others in your life about this. As a stepmom, I totally understand how people can totally miss the picture and cling to these idealistic ways of how families and marriages are to work. With that said, you and your husband are in this marriage and every marriage is different. If this works for you guys, so be it and basque in every moment because it is your life. It is nobody else's business what you two decide to do.

Sounds like you are trying to rationalize this whole mess AND that your husband is already cheating on you.Do you honestly think otherwise?? Do you also really think your daughters will not find out? Kids and dogs have a real sense for the truth!!

Please make sure to take care of yourself financially as I see this going down the tubes. Have your own money safe and make sure you are joint owners on EVERYTHING!!

'Open Marriage'?? How about an open door to disease as well. there is no such thing as 'safe sex' anymore!!

You are already lying to yourself so that line of yours is a joke. I can senses your hesitation in that you are thinking of dong this to save your marriage. Your husband has introduced the idea of 'honestly' when all the while he has more than likely already dishonored your marriage vows and is have an affair ( or two).

How are you NOT going to introduce this to your children. Get an good attorney and a reputable psycologist for additional help...not this site.

This has to be a joke...right???

I've been married for 9 years this October and yes my husband and I see other people as attractive and we'll tell eachother and we have the best communication with eachother. That's number one. Since our marriage, we have found when we were like 24 and 26 years old that me making out with a girlfriend here and there just to get a rise out of our husbands was fun and yes it is exciting to flirt. I believe to all of us that's in a relationship it's the hype of we always want what we cannot have you know? Do you agree? My husband is more old fashioned and I have brought him to the wild side from time to time. However, I do believe that you have to set limits. Those limits of an open marriage could make it harder down the road. What I mean is if you start something and at first, like everything in life, its exciting, and it gives you both a high of some sort, and then like most things in life, it could end up into an addiction. Not with drugs or anything but what if one of you, only one of you wants to go back to the way it was, and the other does not because you once agreeded that it was okay and then what. Then their could be a communication problem down the line and other things. You both can look at eachother and say no that will never happen but nothing has started for it to happen. If the reason is to spice up your married life I would try everything else possible and see how those make you both feel before you do this "open marriage". To each their own, I'm not judging because I am a woman who loves to try new things and am crazy in fact.Hahah, but with an open marriage I feel you let alot of "Junk" in that your not going to be able to get rid of. People change and I would hate for that to be the cause of one of you changing you know. An open marriage is exciting but also dangerous. Be sure that that is the number one thing you both want for eachother and write down why this would benefit more than anything else than see what you come up with. Good luck to you both. Let me know how things go!!

Im am a bit unclear as to why you need advice on this subject.

On the one hand...it sounds like you want an open marriage. That's fine as long as both of you are absolutely POSITIVE that's what you want, and are SURE this will not lead to "falling in love" w/someone else, or jelous feelings. If you two are completely secure in your love for one another and know that it's just sex and not dating then go for it. I wouldn't...but I am a different person...my husband is the only person I have ever been with. I can't even picture myself with someone else.

On the other hand...your posting this makes me wonder if you maybe have reservations about the whole ordeal. It seems like you are maybe seeking approval because you have doubts...or are looking for a good reason NOT to have an open marriage. Like maybe a story from somoene else who tried it and failed.

I suppose you would have to really analize what being faithful really means to you. Does it pertain to both sex and feelings or does it only apply to the way you feel and care for a person. For me it's both. I feel like if you are married you should both be on the same page about things. Most couples have a basic understanding of what the other person expects out of a marriage, be it open or not.

You may also want to consider why you were married in the first place. In most cases you marry someone because that's the ONLY person you want to be with for the rest of your life. Close your eyes and try to picture your husband having sex with a neighbor or a co-worker. How does that make you feel?

Deffinately try to find others who are doing the same thing before you agree to this. It can be difficult to deal with emotions knowing that your husband is having sex with another woman. You will want to lay down ground rules as far as protection and maybe even having to know who the other person is. It's a dirty world out there and there are all kinds of crazy people out there too. The other person should know this is a casual thing and not "dating". We wouldn't want some other woman or man constantly calling and doing crazy things to get your attention.

On that note...you both need to decide if you want this because you simply want to have casual sex with someone or if you want this because you want love and affection from someone else. There is a fine lone between having an open marriage and openly cheating on someone. If it's love and affection you want you may have a deeper issue there.

I think if it goes beyond a few romps in the sack it's cheating. Even if you did agree to an open marriage. The whole concept as I understand it means that you "date" and "love" only your spouse and you only have sex w/the other person.

At any rate...all parties involved should know what's happening. You need to be open not only w/each other but w/your sexual partners as well.

Hmm....this turned out longer than I expected! Especially considering that I have only been w/one man!!! While I can not draw from my own experience I can tell you that I have had a few friends who dabbled in all kinds of things...feelings ALWAYS got in the way.

I hope you come to terms w/what you want to do. I also hope you DON"T get any hate mail. It's not someone elses place to judge you.

I think you may be able to find local groups in your area who are doing the whole open marriage thing. I should think it would be safer to find a group like this. Do some research...the web is amazing today! I think Oprah did a thing on this once...maybe there is something on her site?

Anyway...good luck in whatever you decide. Just remember that you will need to keep your feelings out of the situation or it will get complicated.

Hello L.

First off I have read the posts so far and I am sorry that no one is actually open minded enough to see where you are starting from here. I am sure you have run through all the possible outcomes and you have already addressed most of the initial feelings with this originally when your husband originally approached by this.

Are you looking at an open relationship, polyamory (more than one wife/husband) or swinging.

Just to make sure you know the differance:
Swinging is open sex, which who ever going to parties for sex and so on.
Open Relationship: dating and possibly more outside a committed relationship
Polyamory is a committed relationship involving three or more people. Say two wives or husbands.

Now that being said, first off if you were terrified that you and your husband couldn't be safe about this, you would not have agreed to it. Secondly, it seems people have forgotten that doctors are wonderful with tests to diagnose STD's. Set some boundries, if sex is going to be involved no potential for transmitting body fluids, so no kissing with the tounge and no sexual contact untill both of you see the paper proving the new individual is STD free. And if you are asking for it, be prepared to show it on yourself.

I know kids are smart, but if you are discreet and set up boundries your kids my not realize it for a while, what is going on. I mean after all if you are in a business field or sports fanatics, then dad or you is probably already out and about where it will not be overly noticable. Yes kids are aware of what is going on, but also when it comes to a lot of things they are oblivious. I have friends who are in an open relationship and my kids have no clue that with these friends there is more than room mates and very good friends going on (yes we are around them quite a lot) and unless you are doing a lot of PDA infront of your kids and discussing it, they are not going to care. Are you both going to bring home a sex buddies? Most likely not, just keep it discreet.

Now with all this being said, my friends who are in an open relationships seem to have some of the strongest I've ever seen. There is no sneaking around, there is a lot of communication and trust. If an issue comes up, it has to be discussed or it festers and gets worse. And yes everyone abides by the rules, if not there is no trust then no relationship open or not can survive. The one couple I know has been married for over 15 years now and it works well for them, but again the communication on all parts is a must. Now the down fall, he puts up with twice the complaining, whinning, PMS, and lets face it we woman are demanding....and no he is not looking for someone to just have sex with. They have all worked to make a family structure. The other couple I know has 3 kids and they don't have issues. And yes friends know they may not understand, but they respect the other's choices.

Now with a bit of this said, is he just wanted to think about this, or is he actually already have someone in mind? When my friends started he really didn't mean to have feelings for someone else, but it kinda happened with a friend of the family. (I know someone where this did ruin the family because he just wasn't happy with his marriage and 6 months later they were in court for divorce)

A lot of people think you can only love one person, my thought about that...you love both your chilren don't you? Isn't it possible you could love someone else just as strongly? Can you really say that you know he loves you? Can you handle seeing him with someone else? In the event you or he finds someone else can you accept them into your lives, because they do not deserve to be hidden away like a dirty little secret, because you both are not hiding. And shame on the individual who said aren't you afraid he will find someone better looking! You love someone for who they are not what they look like!

Then readdress the issues: jealousy, trust, feelings are what you really need to ask yourselves about and face the truth, don't lie to yourselves. Get a calander for the two of you so no one misses family responsiblities or other important functions. Set the boundries and the rules and you may find wonderful new friends but if you both don't follow the rules, your life will not be so wonderful.

There are some discussion groups out there on Yahoo, you may want to check out, the internet is a wonderful tool. Do some research and reach out to someone who is already living the life style.

This is not an easy decision, but if you truely love each other and have a stronger relationship and be even happier than ever.

You are more than welcome to email me privatly if you have any questions.

Chelle

L.,

This isn't hate mail but I agree with the other moms. You need to think about the long term effects on your entire family before making these kinds of choices.

STD's would be bad but the jealousy that could result from this could ruin your marriage. I think you need to focus on what a wonderful relationship you and your husband already have and just jazz it up.

Good luck!

Hi L.,

Sounds like a tough situation you're in. One thing that jumped out at me was that you said you're church-going; have you tried praying to God about the situation? I'm not saying that to sound preachy; I just mean that maybe if you ask God for some wisdom it will give you the strength to think everything out clearly and make whatever decisions you need to make. I hope that everything works out for you!

C.

What's the point of being married then? You don't think that your daughters' will find out? Kids are smart. And doesn't the Bible teach faithfulness to one's spouse? The two are to become one and I just don't think that there can be much oneness when each of you are out doing whatever with whoever. Yeah, honesty is great for a marriage, but extramarital affairs can only bring pain and sorrow...if not to you and your husband then your girls. A lot of other women have said it better than I have, but please take the time to pray about this. I will pray for your situation and hope that you will be able to come to a sensible decision.

It sounds like Hollywood is defining the way that you and your husband look at marriage. You say you believe in God... then you also believe in the devil, right? Which of the two beings do you think would try to get you to have an open marriage?
All I know is, God defined the way that marriage is supposed to be... and that is complete faithfulness. Whatever that is missing in your marriage right now, will not be solved by trying to fill the holes with other lovers. Believe in yourself enough to believe that you deserve a husband who will be with only you. God already does.

Good for you on being honest and non-judgmental. Like many others here I am a Christain (so I understand their desire to remind you of the bible and what Gods plan are for us - it's what we're supposed to do as Christians), but my biggest pet peev with us is how we judge. The bible tells us not to judge, it's not our place to judge and what do we do - We Judge people everyday! With that said your marriage is between you, your hubby and God. If an open marriage works for you then go for it. I've read what other people have said it makes sense. Sex is emotional, be preared for that. Lay down some rules, continue to be open and honest. And keep talking to God. Good luck!

Wow. I'm pretty liberal and I'd never agree to this in my marriage. I'd lose all sense of trust. Insecurities, hurt feelings, diseases. Think twice. Is this really what you want, or is this what he wants?

Hi L.,

Please don't think this is a hate mail. But I had to respond since you say you guys are Church Goers. The Bible tells us to love our own husbands and wives, not anybody elses. The Ten Commandments are the LAWS for us to live by, correct? Thou Shall not Commit Adultry.

Girl, pray about the situation. The devil don't want to see families together and will do anything to seperate them. Much Prayer that God will Deliver you and your husband from this desire and will bring you guys closer to him so that you will love and Desire only each other!!!

You asked for advice...As a fellow Christian, I have to say that I do believe that this lifestyle will only lead to destruction in your life and marriage. I do believe that you are buying into lies that this lifestyle will make you happier, and "fix" things in your marriage. If you really do believe in God, (and want to pass on a Godly lifestyle to your children), then PLEASE take your advice from the Bible. God has a lot to say on this topic, and also the Bible tells us that God works for the Good of his people. His plan is the best for your life. I will be praying for God to guide you to TRUE happiness, which is a life centered around HIM!

It sounds like you have a great marriage and family and I would be afraid to mess that up by living an open marriage. I think jealousy is far to strong an emotion and to think this won't effect your marriage is naive. If you are afraid to talk about this with people you know, are you really comfortable with it? Good luck in whatever you decide.

I give you both a lot of credit for being so open with each other in the first place. Takes a whole lot of love for one another. As long as your kids don't get wind, then that arrangement fits better than a divorce!! GOOD LUCK!

I'm glad to hear you believe in God, because then it will be easier for you to eventually see the faulty logic you are using in this situation. God is clearly against the idea of "open marriages". Please talk to your pastor about it and see what her/his opinion is. If you don't want to talk to your pastor about it, that should speak volumes to you right there.
No matter how much you try to hide it, you will be submerging your children in that lifestyle by default. They pick up on much more than parents give them credit for and when one of you or your husbands "partners" becomes a source of anger and jealousy for the other spouse, and they will, all the disaster that comes from it will coming pouring downhill right on top of their innocent heads.
Think and pray long and hard about this before making a decision. I wouldn't be for it if you had no children but, since you do, they are your FIRST priority after God and they are affected profoundly be everything you do, no matter what you think you're keeping a secret.
I will pray for you and your family. God bless.

Who's gonna stay home with the kids if you're both out prowling? And if you're the one staying home and you know your husband is out sleeping with someone else, have you thought how that is going to feel? When he comes home smelling like another woman? What if he fathers a child by someone else? What if he "accidentally" fell in love with one of these people? Have you thought how it's gonna feel one day when he comes home and says..."We didn't mean for it to happen.. we just fell in love" I know on the outside it seems like a win-win situation. Everyone gets to have their cake and eat it too. but this can't be good for either of you in the long run, or your family, or your kids. Not to mention how much this might hurt the people you're sleeping with. There are a lot of hearts here that need to be protected. I'm not trying to be harsh but please please please think on this some more before acting.

Hi L., this is said with love. Rather than worrying about how cheating may hurt the marriage, why not honor each other and God by keeping your marriage the way God intended it to be? We truly become one flesh upon marriage, and when you involve others in that marriage, your bond to each other is beaten down, if it doesn't appear that way at first, believe me, it will happen. We are all attracted to other people, that is how we are wired. The tricky part is what we do (or don't do) with that attraction. My heart hurts for you being in a position to make this decision. If you attend church, maybe you can find a Christian counselor to direct you and help deal with the temptation of becoming intimate with others. I am glad to see that your husband is willing to be so honest about this and I think you have a great foundation to continue to build on. (Again, please know I am not being judgemental and would not have even responded if you hadn't mentioned God in your post) I wish you the best!

I have never known anyone who has done this whose marriage did not end up in the toilet, no matter how equally-liberally minded both partners thought they were. This goes against everything you say you believe in and teach your kids! They will suffer from this and you will regret it. Once it's done, you can never establish trust again. I am a retired therapist and I would stake my life on this. You cannot expect God to bless your family if you fly in the face of His principles!

I would hope you don't get any hate mail from this site. We are here as a supportive community not to pass judgement. I'm not sure I would support this idea if my hsb proposed such an arrangement. My primary concern would be for my children and the integrity of our commitment. I don't think there is anyway to keep such a lifestyle choice secret from your children and you have to ask is this something you want to role model for your girls? Also, once you agree to this arrangement where do you draw the line? I think it opens up pandora's box and you might as well be divorced. What about jealousy, resentment not to mention self esteem. What happens if you or your hsb finds someone much more attractive? How would that make you feel? What about the amt of time invested in outside relationships vs family? I know after 10yrs of marriage things are not as exciting as they were when you first started dating and probably never will be but you get other things from your marriage. A sense of security, companionship, love, family etc..It's every man's fantasy to have a couple women but is it really yours?? I hope you feel comfortable with whatever decision you chose but please put your family first. It's your commitment as a parent. Good Luck..
L.

what works for one couple may not work for the next, so you and your husband need to make that choice, that being said, be very very careful as there are tons of STDs that one can catch that can affect your whole family.
You must have a very trusting and loving relationship if your husband felt secure enough to bring the subject up without the fear of you freaking out and breaking something. good luck with what ever you decide to do, just be careful and remember "never leave the one you love for the one you like, cuz someday the one you like will leave you for the one they love"

I am probably one of the very few who gets turned on with the thought of my dh getting it on with another woman. My dh likewise gets turned on with the thought of me with another man. That said, I personally would still not venture on such an adventure. It takes so much effort and there are no guarantees that either of you won't fall for the other party, or that you won't get hurt or that your marriage would survive or that your children wouldn't find out. There are just too many what ifs. I am weary about gambling more than I am willing to lose and in this situation, there is just too much at stake.

Only you can answer if this lifestyle is for you.

I think it's a bad idea.

I am not religious one bit, so you won't hear any of that from me. All I want to say is make sure you are strong enough to handle your husband being with another woman (this would go for him as well). Jealousy and insecurity could play a huge negative role in this. And, of course, STD's. You MUST make sure you both protect yourselves or it will hardly be worth it in the long run. Just because this is not most people's idea of a happy marriage, does not mean it won't work for you two. As far as what your friends and family think (or whoever these "others" are), it is none of their business. If you are reaching out to these "others" for support, think about why you need support...maybe you're not comfortable with this after all.

I like what Tammy said in the end of her post. That being said, I don't believe in cheating or being with someone else while married. And the fact that you have two children, scares me. Believe me this is not hate mail. I'm open minded, but to a point. You say you go to church and believe in god, hummm... I was brought up in the church and went to private school and I never heard where this was right. But I did hear how you are suppose to be faithful to your spouse. It's one thing to be attracted to someone else and it's another to act on it. Just because you tell each other doesn't make it right. And if you think this is ok, would you be ok if your daughters did this in the future? Or if by chance they found out about it. You would have to lie to them in this whole process wouldn't you? You didn't say how old your girls are, but kids aren't stupid, lies or however you decide to twist it eventually come out.
I just don't know what to say about this one. It actually shocked me and not much shocks me anymore.
Why not just seperate, then you don't have to lie to each other, your children, to God or anyone else for that matter.
Sorry if this comes off harsh, but again this isn't hate mail, but you can't just ask for positive feedback.
Good Luck and please please please protect your children from what your both thinking about doing, they are innocent in all of this.
J. in Macomb

I'm sorry, the key line in your letter is "in no way would we introduce this lifestyle to our kids." Then why are you considering it yourselves? You know in your (Christian) heart that this is wrong. I suggest you undergo counseling to see what you're missing in your own marriage, that you are seeking from others. If that doesn't help, perhaps you need to divorce (which is honest) and go your separate ways, amicably.

Huh??? How in the world do you and your husband have this much time on your hands???

L.,

First of all, it's no one's place to judge you. People can either agree with you or agree to disagree, but not to judge. Personally, I feel that a marriage should be just between you and your spouse. Only giving yourself to one another. I want my children to see what I believe, and since I believe that actions speak louder than words, I try (I say "try" because we are all human and make mistakes) to think if the action I am taking is something I would want my kids to do. If not, I don't do it, because I think that would show them a double standard. It's harder when kids are involved and it's also an awesome responsiblity. I guess, any advise I would give is to pray about it. You said that you have been praying about it. Set aside time by yourself and really pray about it, and then just be still and listen. I believe God will show you what to do and you'll have peace about what choice you make. Best wishes to you and your family.

Sounds like you've gotten the response you did not want - people placing their own religious or moral views on your situations. Then again, sounds like you were expecting that which is why you put it out there for an anonymous group of women to comment!

I would recommend setting up a contract with your spouse. Something in writing that sets up guidelines that you are both comfortable with. Things to consider is the type of protection, the number of dates you are allowed with any one person, nights when dating is just not allowed (special nights, soccer night) and I would set a time for a review to see how you both think things are going. Google it - there are some out there.

I would also recommend considering WHY it is you want to go forward with this. There are more couples in your situation than the response to your question would lead up to believe - but many people also do not do well as we are raised to believe one man and one woman and have a very hard time, regardless of how open we feel we are, when that changes.

Just my thoughts. Good luck.

Hi L.,

I agree with the other posts, but in my opinion, two's company, three's a crowd. As a former divorced mom and a happily married one now, I can tell you that having "others" (my ex is remarried), to the mix only adds to confusion and creates other problems. For the sake of your family, please reconsider the concept of an open marriage.

Just my 2 cents,

Good Luck,

MC

It seems kind of dangerous to think about doing this with the STDs that are everywhere. Some can never be cured, like herpes. You said you've introduced "new things" already. How about some fantasy role playing? Maybe arrange for your kids to be away for a weekend, or even at home with a babysitter. Then invest in a wig or a haircut and a new outfit, and plan an evening where you "meet" your husband. You can go through all the "flirting" and preliminary stuff as if you were both strangers. You can make it as real as you want it to be.

You mentioned not wanting to blurt out "hey we're going on dates with others"...in terms of what to tell other people if you choose to do this, I'm wondering why you need to tell them anything. Unless you regularly talk in detail with your friends about your sex life, why even bring it up?

It sounds like you've already gotten a lot of cautions, but I guess I'll just "second" those. I think it's really easy to underestimate feelings...insecurity, jealousy, worry that he may be falling in love with someone else, worry that he may be comparing you to her and you're not coming out on top, etc. And of course he could have the same issues come up if you're dating someone. Personally, I think it's just too risky and I wouldn't agree to it just to have a more satisfying sex life. I'm so lucky to have a great husband and I wouldn't want to jeapordize my marriage.

I do have one set of friends who have recently hooked up with another couple. I know the female friend was the one behind the idea and she was already unhappy in the marriage, and I think her husband only went along with it because he felt she'd do it without him if he didn't agree. From what she told me, he ended up enjoying himself and had sex with the other woman (the 4 of them got a hotel room together) and I guess they're open to doing it again. It's too recent to see how it will all play out with their marriage.

One thought that just occurred to me...she and her husband went out with another couple at the same time. I could never agree to any of this anyway, but if I were going to, I think I'd feel safer with it being something we did together with another couple as opposed to each of us going off on our own. Doing it as a couple, you know exactly what happened and you know there's no emotional cheating going on (unless they're corresponding with each other behind your back). If he goes out on dates alone, who knows what they're talking about.

Another thought...are you comfortable with the idea of this getting out? I remember a case out west a few years ago where a girl was kidnapped and murdered. During the investigation, it came out that her parents were swingers. There are plenty of other catastrophes that could lead to you being outed, not to mention just being discovered because your partners aren't as discreet as you...they could talk, or take pictures or videos without your knowledge...These are just some things to think about, in case you're not comfortable with the risk.

I give you a lot of credit for asking this question!

My husband and I are in a monogamous relationship and plan to keep it that way, although I can't say the idea of an "open marriage" has NEVER crossed our minds.

I think it's only natural (after being with the same person for so many years) to wonder, "what else is out there?" Humans are one of the few species on earth that are monogamous and "mate for life". Maybe this is why so many people cheat, I don't know?

I don't have much advice because I haven't been in this situation, but I wish you luck whatever you choose. I've seen similar stories on an episode of Dr. Phil. He claims bringing a third party into the relationship will NEVER work, but to each their own. Good Luck