Other People's Grief...

I have learned (but have to remind myself) that I cannot control how other people act, nor how they feel. The only thing I can control is HOW I ALLOW THEM TO MAKE ME FEEL.

You are not expecting too much of them, but you still may not get it. You have to CHOOSE to not let them make you feel bad.

Hugs to you!!

I feel bad for people like your aunt, but I have no patience for it. To people who don't grieve in her way it seems like they are using the drama to make the death all about them. Like, THEY loved the person so much, THEY'RE so sad, THEY'RE doing so much in memory. It's also very selfish and ungrateful to act like a natural part of life is the end of the world, totally unfair, and other's events should be squashed. I don't want to do what she's doing, and judge her grief, but handling things this way is her choice.

Last year in my family a pregnant young mom of 26 died of sudden cancer. Her baby had to be removed surgically way before term to save it's life when she died. She left three young kids. She was one of 10 siblings in the closest family on earth. Sisters scrambled to quit jobs, move locations, help her husband with her kids, etc calling no attention to what they were doing. The family was DEVASTATED, but because of their faith, has prayed in thanks of her life and all the blessings that remain and has handled it so amazingly, it has been an inspiration to watch. Have there been extreme sadness and tears, absolutely. Her parents and siblings still choke up when they mention her, but everyone mentions her lovingly and keeps her memory alive. They would NEVER try to bring down another person's baby shower, wedding, birth etc. That's TERRIBLE BEHAVIOR. Period. They mention that she would love to be there in a kind way to honor her, and because they feel it, but not a, "Oh your event is sad now because she died."

You can't change your aunt, but STEER CLEAR and ignore and don't feel bad.

I am sorry about your mom. So often, people want others to be mirrors of themselves. I have a family member who is so good at sending cards on birthdays and I am just not. You know what, his life is nothing like mine, so why am I guilty? It's just false guilt and if it were real, then I would make amends. It is clear, though, that you are loved, and for that you are blessed. Mother Theresa believed that being abandoned and unloved was more painful than being hungry.

I'll wrap this up with a selection that I love.
Nothing has the power to hurt my feelings and stir up unwholesome emotions in me unless I allow it. I will do what is given me to do. I will do it as well as I can. That will be my inner security against which all outside battering will be powerless.

"Labor not as one who is wretched, nor yet as one who would be pitied or admired. Direct yourself to one thing only, to put yourself in motion and to check yourself at all times." (Marcus Aurelius: Meditations)

you made the decisions & choices you had to make. Kudos to you. You are your mother's daughter & it was your responsibility.

Different people grieve differently. If you flip this, I would bet that you all live Life differently, too. Doesn't make you better nor worse than your aunts.

I love that you celebrate your mother's Life. That is how I deal with the loss of my daughter: on her birthday, I buy flowers. I light a candle in her memory. & I just "think" thoughts of her. (well, in all honesty, I do the candle throughout the year....whenever I think of her. To me, it brings Peace.)

My father passed away 2 years ago on the anniversary of my daughter's death. It completely knocked me out. Because I already had the Celebration of Life in place for my daughter, I used this for my Dad too. On his BD, I light a candle for him. I visit the cemetery & have a sip of Jack with him. & I say prayers. This too brings me Peace.

I live in a small town 90 minutes outside of St Louis. We're in the "city" regularly, & that is where my Dad is buried. Several times each year, I visit his grave. I clean it, I take a few minutes to "remember", & occasionally we partake of Jack which was his fave. This also brings me Peace.

On their death anniversary, I have flowers & candles. It is a melancholy day.....but is easier now than it was the 1st 15 years. Those first years after my daughter died.....were a nightmare - until I figured out a way to ease my madness. :)

As for your aunts, they're batty....but not really. They have their own way of dealing with LIfe which is very different from your own. Do not allow them to emotionally bash you. Do not allow them to take the memory of your Mother away from you. Next time, cheerfully say: "I love remembering Mom's Life & make a point to celebrate it. I wish you could do the same...it's uplifting". In other words, toss it right back in their face! Peace to you.....

Reading your post just broke my heart. You are dealing with the loss of your mother in your way, and unfortunately your family, while grieving also, is not there to support you. I couldn't imagine having to go through that. I think you are incredibly brave and a credit to the good job your mother did raising you. You stepped in and took care of business when others could not. You are not forgetting your mother, you are living the life she would have wanted you to have. No mother would want her child's life to stop becuase she has passed on. I think it is a beautiful memory to celebrate her birthday with your children in her honor. I'm not sure what's the best way to deal with your family. It sounds like no matter what you say to them, not much will change. Just as you're mourning in your way, this is their way, but that does not mean they have the right to treat your this way. I hope that you are able to find peace with them and I am truly sorry about the loss of your mother.

You are NOT cold. You are wonderful. Look, I've been through this with family members, though the "job" was shared amongst us, and I didn't have to go it alone. (It sounds like you had help, which is good.) I think that your experience with your aunt and those who are pressuring you has made you second guess yourself and make you feel as though you did things badly. You DIDN'T.

Your family cannot dictate all this stuff for your life, from taking care of your mom for 18 months, to selling the house and turning off the phone. It is wrong for them to. We are supposed to take care of business after a death. It has to be done and if you were the one to do it, so be it. Your mother would be proud of you and if she CAN see now from the other side, she IS.

People deal with what you dealt with, a loved one who does not want to be in the hospital, all the time. For those of us dealing with dementia or post-surgical "brain fog", for lack of a better term, we have to be tough and make the call that they can not go home. It is hard, even for those who HAVE discussed and put in place a DNR and medical power attorney. That doesn't make you cold.

Your aunt didn't have to make the hard choices. She of course felt frustrated that she couldn't "save the day", but what she isn't seeing is that she could not. If the decisions fell on her shoulders alone, she would have all of a sudden realized the gravity of letting your mom do what she wanted, seeing her suffer greatly, and then having the GUILT of making her continue to live in pain by not honoring that DNR. You have saved her this. Of course, she cannot see it. I would say that she would have been unable to settle her affairs because she is too emotional.

Do not second guess yourself anymore. But at the point when you have HAD ENOUGH of hearing "you don't feel with your whole heart like I do" from you aunt, either tell her that she will stop saying that to you or you won't see her anymore, or leave everytime she does.

You say that you don't expect them to be like you. Honey, they aren't being like most people. Most people act like you, not like them.

I want to add to you to rent the movie "Sense and Sensibility" starring Kate Winslet and Emma Thompson. Kate tells Emma that she doesn't have a depth of feeling because she is reserved. Later in the movie, when the situation comes to a head, Emma (Eleanor) tearfully tells her sister that if she hadn't been bound to a promise, she could have produced evidence of a broken heart enough, even for her. It is a poignant and telling moment between them. Hers is emotional, without anger. But perhaps if it gets to the point that your aunt seems to never be willing to release you from her guilt trip, you should get angry enough to act like Eleanor and show her how you feel, without reserve.

All my best,
Dawn

I'm sorry for your loss. I truly am. I don't know what it's like to lose a parent. I know it will happen one day....

Now, this is the "cold" part from me. The ONLY way people are making you feel bad is if YOU ALLOW IT. STOP ALLOWING IT.

Tell them to back off. Tell them this is YOUR life. You are not going to live in the past. You have a present and a future which is a gift from God and you are HONORING that gift by LIVING each day. Tell them my children KNOW their grandmother....that's MY job. Not yours.

Tell them the truth. You don't visit or call as much because you want to talk about the here and now - the future...THE LIVING - LIFE. Not death. It's okay to be "tough" with them and set boundaries. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

Again, i'm sorry for your loss!! YOU DO have a heart. You just live in the present and not the past.

.... you are fine.
you are doing fine.
you have handled it fine.
you did what you can.
That is good.
That is okay.
Know it is okay.

My Dad died several years ago.
Like you, I did the DAILY caregiving for him. He was ill before he died. I... did it all. Not my sibling.
I suffered. Immensely. While doing caregiving. Much of it is still bottled up as well. But while going through the paces and doing it ALL, I suffered and anguished and was deeply sad. Seeing another suffer, your parent, there are no words for that.
Once my Dad did die... I was actually okay. I did not cry. At all. I felt normal. I was sad, but its hard to explain... I think I had processed it already, mentally and emotionally. So that when he did actually die (and I saw him actually die & it was not calm), I knew what to expect.
But I carried on in a matter of fact way.
But my sibling... suffered more after he died. BECAUSE, to me, she did not help with my Dad at all, barely, when he was still alive but ill.
So for her, she had more guilt.

Anyway, everyone handles grief differently.
Don't let your relatives make you feel inadequate nor let them turn you into a replacement for your Mom.

Your Aunt should probably seek some grief therapy and seek a doctors help for her depression.
She seems to be stuck and can not move on - and she may never - but she should not be holding this over your head.
When she says things like "but she's (your Mom) not here to see it" you can say you believe your Mom is here and sees it all - you, your kids, your Aunt - and she would not want you to grieve perpetually forever.
Her depression is getting you down, and especially for your kids sake, you need to do some self preservation drawing of some boundaries.
If Aunty needs to weep through every holiday/birthday, then you tell her she can cry all she wants but she doesn't have to come over (or you to go over to see her) in order for her to do that.
When she's cried herself out, then she's free to stop by - it's her choice.
Or maybe you can see her close to a holiday (before/after) but not when she'll be feeling her worst.
She is correct when she says you do not feel as she does - there's nothing wrong about feeling differently - and she needs to accept that it's ok you feel as you do.

It's okay (healthy even) to cut ties with toxic people. Your aunt sounds like one of those people. Please, for your sake and for your kids' sakes, don't let her continue to do this to you.

Wow, I'm really sorry you have to go through that. My husband went through a lot of hell when his father passed and years later his mother just over a year ago. His siblings were torture, just torture, to the point that when his father passed they wouldn't allow him to see his mother for years because he didn't bow down and do everything their way. He finally saw her right before she died. They'll pay on judgement day.

Anyway, it really sounds like they're the ones who just cannot let go of her death. It's unhealthy for them to do things in such a way. There's no right way to mourn but what they're doing is unhealthy. They're still mourning rather than celebrating a life. You don't have to be sad 24/7 to feel the loss of someone and to love them. They really need counseling.

You sound to be handling it pretty healthy, doing things in a way that works for you. You also had to be the one to carry the load and the burden and that takes strength.

You have to make a choice here and you need to get off your chest how you feel. Tell them how you feel and if they're still toxic to you then the choice is either to associate with them and feel miserable or sever contact and only associate on your terms, It's ok to tell your aunt NOT to send depressing things to you because you cannot handle it anymore. "I celebrate her life, not drag her memory through depression". When she calls and talks sad let her know not to do so. It's one thing to remember good times but stop the depression. It's not healthy! Suggest counseling beecause it sounds like they/she is going over board and needs some help gettting through the grieving process.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

They need to lay off. It's been 4 years and they seriously need to let it all go! You are not cold or awful or anything. I'm lucky in the sense that I haven't been faced with people actually saying anything to me since my mother's death -although I know some of her family "thinks" certain things about not keeping up with all of them like she did. You are NOT your mother. I am NOT my mother. We all have different lives and, as you said, everyone mourns and marks death in their own way. You obviously have small children (as do I) who take up a lot of your time and quite honestly should be your focus -not your dead mother or even relatives unless you want them to be. You're honoring your mother's memory with your children -what more could they want?

If any of them still have issues with what happened leading up to her death -I would honestly think about severing ties with them. Who needs people who are going to dwell on things four years after the fact and try to ruin every holiday and special occasion with it? You should tell them to LET IT GO. If they can't -maybe let them go!

Everyone grieves differently. It's unfortunate your family cannot accept how YOU grieve.

Give yourself a break, girl, and gently remind them you prefer to celebrate your mother's life in a positive way. But also allow them to have their own way of coping as well.

Sorry about your Mom, be good to yourself, k?

:)

It really sounds like your aunt feels that she didn't do enough for her sister and now that it's too late she's trying to feel better by making you feel worse. It's perfectly ok to only have short conversations with your aunt. One of my brothers does what's called the 5 minute phone call with my mom. He'll call on his cell when he's out running errands and after the hi how are yous and nice weather were having latelys there's about 3 minutes of what have you been up tos before the ok, I've got to run into the bank so I'll call you next week ending. It's perfect because she gets a call, he calls without having to listen to a conversation that turns ugly after 5 minutes and everyone hangs up happy.

My mother acts the same way as your aunt. Her mother was killed in a car accident over 20 years ago. We all know to have lots of patience and honestly try to avoid her the entire month of November. Now her father passed away 2 years ago. So now we have to avoid/becareful of her from November (her mothers death, her fathers birthday) all the way thru January which is when he died. She is crabby and is just unbearable to be around. In my opinion you are in the right. Sobbing and crying at every event including the birth of your child is just selfish. Pretty sure none of our deceased relatives want us behaving that way. Everyone grieves in their own way but at some point you have to let go and move one. I applaud your tradition of doing fun things with your children on her birthday! A much better tribute to your mother than to sit around and feel sad.

My died dad at 49 from Leukemia. We each mourn in our own way It sounds like your family is not dealing with their grief and has chosen to make you teh bad guy as a way to help them cope with their loss. I'm sorry you have to go through that. I am also the practical sibling in my family, many people aren't 'grown up' enough like us to make the hard decisions.

You should absolutely stand up to them. Next time they say something stupid like how you don't "feel with your whole heart", tell them that they have NO idea how you feel and how DARE they constantly ruin your mother's memory by making a mockery of her death just to get some sort of personal satisfaction out of making you feel bad. Then, I would distance myself from them. There is no reason your mother's death (from disease) be thrown in your face. You did not wish her death or make it happen. In my family, we choose to have happy memories and celebrate my father's life, not dwell on his death all the time.