Out-of-touch Brother. What Would You Do?

Are you sure he doesn't just assume that you know? My siblings and I made this mistake for a while when we were all young adults. I would tell my mom something, and assumed she would spread the word to my siblings because she talked to all of us most frequently. But, sometimes she would forget to tell them, and we (the siblings) had some misunderstandings. We had to get past our childhood habit of assuming that mom was the central organizer/coordinator. Your brother might still be in this habit.

That said, have you left him a voicemail about graduation? You should at least do that, and not just show up. It might be that he only gets 2 tickets to the graduation and he invited your parents so you actually can't attend. So he's not telling you, because he feels awkward saying "hey, I'm graduating and mom and dad are coming in, but you can't come because I don't have enough tickets". But you could call him, leave him a message saying congrats you heard about the graduation, and you'd love to take him to dinner when finals are over to celebrate.

If he doesn't respond at all to that message - well, then maybe there is an underlying issue that you aren't aware of. But I wouldn't jump to this assumption first.

I think you should attend the graduation and keep your feelings in check. Try to set up a time with him for you and he to go out for coffee or dinner or whatever and tell him how you feel then.

Go see him in person before the graduation. Apologize for showing up unannounced, but explain you didn't know what else to do since he doesn't return your communication. Offer to take him out to coffee or lunch because you really want to talk to him. If he declines that, at least insist on ten minutes to talk. You need to ask him straight out, in person, why he doesn't communicate with you. Tell him you love him, and you miss him, and you've been hurt by being ignored. Ask why. Ask him to be honest, just so you can understand, because you don't. And tell him you are so proud and excited about his graduation, you would love to celebrate with him. I wouldn't go to the graduation without an invitation. Maybe he only has so many tickets, and maybe it has nothing to do any bad feelings towards you. It could be he's just really wrapped up in his own life, but he should at least return phone calls, emails, or texts.

I think you should attend the graduation, and the next opportunity after that tell him you miss him and want to see him more.

However, the graduation is not the time to tell him. That's his special time, and not a time for drama. If you don't go to the graduation, you will feel even worse.

If he's just graduating from college, he's pretty young, and young males can be pretty immature and self-centered. You just keep being the better person, and eventually he will probably grow up and become closer.

FYI -- per the example of my husband: my husband, who is 57, rarely sees his sister, who lives only 1-1/2 hours away. Usually just once a year at Christmas. He loves her and enjoys her company when he sees her, and has good memories or her growing up, yet he is perfectly fine with almost never seeing her or talking to her. I really dislike this personality trait in my husband. A friend's husband is the same way with his family. I have found that pattern to be true for most of the males in my extended family: ex-husband, father, grandfathers, fathers in law, etc. Thus my disrespect for males, among many other reasons.

So it's sadly all too common, at least in our society. Try not to feel too hurt by it, just keep being the bigger, better person.

If you talk to your brother, make sure it is at a neutral time. But I think you should wait until he's at least older than 25, which is when the brain finally fully matures.

I can totally relate- we may even have the same brother. :-) I am the sister who lives 10 minutes from my brother, but sees and talks to him no more than the sisters who live 2000 miles away. I hate it. I think in your case, your brother has a false sense of 'she's already in the loop' with you since you live here, he somehow figures you know because you're here, and you are last priority for calls, etc., because it's easy to see you (no logic I know, because he doesn't see you, but I'll bet he thinks this way).

Do go to the graduation. Don't bring anything up then. Maybe mention that you hope to see him more now that he's done with school. Then see how it goes after graduation. Is he better at returning calls/texts? Invite him somewhere and see how that goes. You'll get a feel for what things will be like. If it's the same, you'll need to really pin him down to tell him the lack of communication bothers him and have a talk about it.

If it doesn't change, you may need to lower your expectations. That's what I had to do. I became so angry at my brother for his lack of involvement. I built him up to be this horrible guy. Then when I would see him, I'd remember he's actually quite nice. I just had to accept that he does his own thing with his new family. This does put him a bit in the selfish category, but I can't control how he spends his time. So I just know I'll only see him on holidays and a few other occasions, and that has to be ok. It could be worse, right? Good luck.

Don't bring up your hurt feelings during the celebration, but do attend if that's an option. This might be your only chance to be in direct contact with him. AFTER you've hugged the life out of him and congratulated him and AFTER others have expressed their congrats, when you have an opportunity to chat with him a little more casually--doesn't have to be in private--take out your phone and confirm that you have his updated contact information. Ask him to look at the phone number and make sure that it's good because you have been texting and calling and unable to reach him. Make it more about wanting to reach him than about the effects of not having been able to reach him. At a later time, on a later date, contact him and ask if you two can have lunch or if he can come over for dinner. This is about reconnecting with your brother, so resist the urge to confront him. Just start over right now.

People feel attacked when you make them responsible for your feelings. Right or wrong. When you jam somebody up about not giving you what you think you need, you'll likely be met with resistance. Enjoy being with your brother and let him enjoy you before you bring this up. After you get a couple of good laughs under your belt, then just say GENUINELY, "Well, I'm really glad that you're okay, because I was really concerned when I couldn't get in touch with you." People have their reasons ans seasons. It's hard, but we really shouldn't take it personally, especially without knowing the details. Sometimes, even they don't realize why they're out of touch. Maybe he wasn't actually in direct contact with each of them. Maybe he's been super busy but just happened to run into the family members he spent time with. Maybe he hasn't called or texted anybody, but the timing has been such that he is in the middle of something when you call/text (and he intends to get back to you, but...) and they've been more successful at reaching him. Maybe he feels an obligation to call his parents because they're his parents, and everybody else just has to catch him when they can. None of that feels good to you, but it's all reasonable.

I don't know.
It seems he finds time to touch base with a lot of people despite his busy schedule but not at all with you in even the most minimal way.
Maybe it's just me, but after a point I would just stop pursuing him.
When he wants contact with you, he knows where you are.
Maybe you could send him a nice card with a small gift and wish him happiness upon graduating.
His graduation is NOT the time to include a picture of your kids or show you feel hurt by his snubbing you - you don't want to make his celebration about you.
Some families just grow apart for no particular reason.
HE's the one who's got to want to keep you in his life - you can't make him.
He's worse than trying to talk to a brick wall. - at least a brick wall will throw back an echo on occasion - your brother is giving you nothing, zilch, nada.
Wish him well and let him go.