Pathological Liar

The only way to try and help her is to confront her witht he lies, every time you it happens. If she can't admit to her lies, she probably can't be helped and I would try and disassociate myself with her as much as possible. Generally when people lie like she does, they have a ton of issues, particularly very low self esteem.

Who knows what goes on in these peoples heads? I recently had somone lying to me about some important things. I just called the person out on their lies until they no longer wanted to be around me. Problem solved for me, but not for that person or others in their life.

I really think it often starts when they are kids. I've seen kids lie and lie like this. Maybe they see it at home or see it on tv all the time.

I'm stumped for an answer to help though!

Suzi

Good Morning L., WOW this is a stumppppper for sure. Our eldest son expands the truth. Like if something was say 15.00 to tell it is was 20.00. Most of the time he is straight forward. It's little things he seems to think needs more Umph.. If he worked 8 hr. it comes out of his mouth as 10. Why ? We have no idea, we didn't lie or fib to him when he was little. His brother doesn't do it.
Sometimes I think they need to feel good about themselves and will boost their reply to make it sound better. If you ask if they are finished with something, they might say "Almost" when it is barely started. Go Figure, it would be easy to say no, but then your admitting you haven't done what was promised.

If you can double check the things this woman tells you, call her on it. Let her know you know what really went down or happened. It's a trust issue more then anything else. If you can't trust what they say, how in the world can you trust what they do!

Unfortunately people that lie constantly have already programed themselves to believe what they say is True. Little embellishment's are nothing compared to the Big Whoopers. If there is a way to check on what she says with other people in a round about way I would give it a try.

Other then that, when your project is over, distance yourself again and Keep it that way.

God Bless you and I hope something will be said that will help and give you some much needed stress relief and peace.

K. Nana of 5

I agree with everyone who has said to cut this person out of your life. I've had to do it with one person that I used to care about VERY VERY deeply. Eventually I figured out he was a pathological liar and the only thing I could do was get away forever. It's one of the best things I've ever done. I would've gladly helped this person, but the people who do this, I truly think, believe what they say. It's weird, but it's not YOUR issue to solve or correct. If it's a co-worker, you need to be protecting your job, and if that means you ask the boss to not have you work together on assignments, so be it. Best of luck to you.

I had a friend who lied and we ended up not being friends anymore. Now when I see her I just speak, but I choose not to get any closer because she hurt me not once but thrice. I think she is schizophrenic or bi-polar though. She lied to her husband about me and my husband telling her that we saw her husband with some other woman!! We didn't know what the dickens she was talking about. Her husband calls us at 4am and we were laughing, like what are you talking about. She's ranting in the background at her husband, and when I told him to put her on the phone with me, she would not come to the phone. I was so hurt!!!!!! This was the first I had heard of this, and I really enjoyed her company. But she wouldn't talk to me, and I couldn't reach her. She was pregnant so I thought maybe her hormones were out of whack. But this lie caused me to miss the birth of her baby. Months later she mailed me a letter with a picture and an apology. We later became friends again. but years later, she did it again! My husband thought I was crazy to take her back, and he saw how hurt I was. He told me to leave her be. So to this day, she has tried to make amends, but I don't trust her and refuse to allow her to hurt me like that again.
I was a liar when I was a child, and as I got older I prayed that God would deliver me from this awful habit. I have come a long way, I don't want anyone to even jokingly accuse me of lying. Sometimes I do feel it creeping up, so I have to work hard to not do it. Sometimes I get so angry with myself if I do tell a lil lie, because I think, why did I do that?? An example of a stupid lie I've told was I went to a restaurant for the first time, and I had bought gift certificates to it, and I told the owner that it was my first visit there, and that SOMEONE had given me a gift certificate!!!! DUH! ,now why didn't I just say I bought them myself????? I don't know, but that's the kind of stuff I struggle with. that lie didn't hurt anyone, but it was unnecessary.
To end this rambling let me just say, let that friend go, she's not really a friend.

The thing that bothers me about these people is that it makes you not want to talk to them, because what they say has not impact, it's not true!
Either you get her out of your life or never take her word for anything until you verify it yourself. I don't understand this type of person either, I have one in my life and we talk, I just take what she says with a grain of salt.

Hi L.,

My name is K. and I have been in your predicament before for several years. My kids paternal granmother is a pathological liar and after years of dealing with her lies which would be about anything, including ilnesses or something as simple as what she did that day as well. It impacted my life tremendously and anytime I confronted her it was just more lies. I honestly believe it is an illness of some sort and that maybea very good therapist could help but I'm not sure because my ex mother in law never got help and she still lies. I just can't be around it and I hope that you can find a way to help your friend. I do think that is what people like this need, because it seemed to me that she would believe here own lies. I would suggest trying to get her into counseling. If I can help with any toher info just let me know. Good Luck.

You really need to set appropriate boundaries. Do not let her problem become yours. In other words, don't "own" her issues.
You might be best to just disassociate yourself from her althgether.

why do you have to keep being there for this person to screw over? i guess i'm just more black and white (probably why i only have a couple friends to begin with) but that's just not okay. at all. it's not your responsibility to train this person to be a decent human being. i'd cut 'em out. it's harsh, but i'm sorry. when it comes down to it i look out for me and mine, and ESPECIALLY if you have already said something and it hasn't helped. maybe some day they'll look around and see how lonely they are and a lightbulb will come on. you can only hope. i would be looking out for my family in this case. who knows, next time it might be a car wreck that they swear your kids were seat-belted for. sorry, i know that's harsh...i'm paranoid like that. i wouldn't trust her to be in my life in any way.

I may sound heartless, but you really can't help these people. I had a friend like this and it's best to walk away. My so called friend even stole money from her friends. She even stole my ATM card and took money out (i never gave her my pin but she must have watched me) I gave her money to pay rent and then she wouldn't pay it. I'm not sure if your friend goes as far as this but it took a long while before we realized the games she was playing...she was that good! Never trust a liar. I would be on very leary on being friends with such a person. She is only going to hurt you and your family. It's sad, but you have to do what is best for YOU and YOUR family first. Save the world second. This friend can't be helped unless she seeks a professional, and I'm not sure she even thinks she has a problem. Best of Luck to You!

I dont have any advice ..... My husband is a HUGE liar, and I have been dealing with it for 5 years now ! It has gotten to the point to where I cant believe anything he says. It is really annoying, and I know what it is like ! Good luck .... I cant wait to see what the other moms say !!!

There is not much you can do to help someone like this. We adopted a boy who does this. You get to the point where if you catch them telling the truth, you are pleasantly surprised. It does no good to confront them because they just make up more lies. I have no advice expect you may want to consider ending the friendship. Its exhausting to try to keep everything straight with people like this.

We still see and talk to our son but the relationship is a surface one because of this very thing. Its just sad

I'll be reading the posts you receive with interest...my mother-in-law is the same way, and it stumps me...because she lies about anything...even stuff that no one would even care about AND even things that she says I said or did, or that my daughter said or did, and I'm right there to know that we DID NOT do or say that! It really is a problem, so I feel your pain, especially when your business is now suffering because of it.

I dated a guy that was this way. I had a run in with him & the new girlfriend after we broke up and chatted for a bit. The next day I got a call from him wanting to know what I said, because he and the gf had a huge fight over some things I said. I said 'The Truth'... The issue was he was dating her & I at the same time, I broke up for other reasons, but it came to light when her & I were talking and she went off on him.

My point being, is in our next day conversation I told him if he did not want to be trapped in lies, then QUIT telling them and especially quit telling them to me and that if this was a problem, then to NOT call me or anything else. You have to be straight forward with them and let them know you are NOT going to accept what they are saying and if it means not talking to that person anymore, so be it, you & your family will be much better off!

Hello,

The biggest questions would be - do you really care for this person and love them for what they are or do? Accepting people the way they are can be very hard. If it really bothers you and you've confronted that person already and you feel you've made no head-way. Then ask yourself - Is this person worth my time, energy and love? Only you know what you able and willing to endure. I think people come into our lives for some reason. Whether it is to be a positive influence or not a positive influence. Unfortunately, most people who lie, forget the truth because they have done it all their lives. I believe they do it b/c of fear or retribution. It's sad we don't understand why? I hope this advice gives you some food for thought. Best wishes!

You could try keeping a "journal" of all the lies, then sit down and confront her face to face with the journal as "evidence". Tell her you believe she has a serious problem and NEEDS help!!!! IDK, good luck.

I don't have any advice, but I have an aunt that I'm really close to & she is a pathological liar. She can't repeat the truth 2 seconds after she's heard it or it has happened. Everything she says has to be changed around.I too get dumped on with extra activities & work as we go to the same church & she commits both of us to things & she doesn't follow through so I have to pick up both parts. She too when the truth idspointed out in front of her will lie again. It's really frustrating & I can sympathize, but unless they are willing to acknowledge their problem & get counseling (there's an underlying reason why they do this) we are helpless. Hang in there.

If it bothers you, you can confront her. It probably will not help. Why don't you just not relate to her? If she is someone you work with, explain the situation to your boss and avoid her as much as possible. If she asks, just be honest. You may hurt her feelings, but sometimes that happens.

It seems most of the responders agree that there is little or nothing you can do for this person. There are a variety of psychological and/or neurological reasons this happens in some individuals. These habits often develop in people with learning disabilities. Because their brains don't function efficiently, they learn to just tell people whatever they think will please the listener. Some of these people can actually confuse what they imagine with what they remember. Learning difficulties may be the most common reasons for cronic dishonesty, but, it can also be a symptom of a sociopathic condition. These people simply feel no conscience or shame. They do not appreciate being respected and they depend upon, and manipulate, the sympathies of others. Although many sociopaths are not necessarily criminal, they are almost never ethical. If you want to understand this subject better, you can read The Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout. If you prefer to listen to the book, you can download it at www.Audible.com.

Some can be helped professionally, but I've never known an adult with such habits to change without some neurological therapy. There are natural therapies available, such as Crossinology's Brain Integration Technique, but the person would need to be willing to invest both the time and the money. The results can be well worth the investment. However, in my experience, people with specific learning difficulties will often be willing to seek therapy, while the sociopath might actually avoid getting help or taking any personal responsibility. Brain integration may be able to help them if we get them when they are very young and the parents see to it that they get the therapy, but it is more difficult to change the habits of dishonesty once they are past puberty and even more difficult as adults.

I have a friend with a neurological reason for occasional lies, but it really is an issue of short term memory functions that were damaged when she was given the wrong antibiotic. As soon as she catches herself saying anything that isn't true, she corrects herself. She cares, she just cannot always control her spontaneous brain. But, I have relatives that suffered with the sociapathic experience. I even had to distance myself from my own mother because of it. It can be difficult, but I learned that there was nothing more I could do than to respond with honesty, justice, and respect, and to not leave myself or my family vulnerable. I had to learn to adjust my expectations of her competencies and to never put myself in a position of needing to trust her. I also learned that it is best to distance yourself as quickly and as graciously as possible. A sociopath can be an expert manipulator and a master of subtle gossip. They can often convince others to view you with suspicion if you don't bend to their desires. Sadly, most sociopaths end up alone and bitter. They simply do not have the ability to sense or understand the needs of others. They only learn how to manipulate others in an effort to satisfy their own needs and/or desires. They do not experience what many consider a common sense of social responsibility. Even if they do something good, and some often will, they are only motivated to do so in order to achieve a personal satisfaction. This can make them difficult to recognize. When my mother did a 'good mother' thing, it was so she would get the benefits or acceptance she desired. She was not capable of a selfless thought, but learned how to convince many people of her selfless sacrifices. Most people never knew that someone else was almost always funding her generosity.

According to the statistics Martha Stout published, about 4% of the US population are sociopathic. Most go unrecognized. This is likely why most of the responders to your message suggest keeping your distance. But, you are the one who knows this person and might be able to discern whether you can suggest how she might get help or whether there is enough evidence that distance is the best solution. I don't suggest we go around diagnosing the mental conditions of others, but we have to learn to recognize who we can safely support to get help and who we just need to avoid. You are obviously a good and caring friend. But, it is good to remember the ancient warning to not 'cast your pearls before swine'. I pray for the sociopath, and then leave them in God's capable hand.

I am so happy you posted this because I and my mother are embroiled in this situation and we have to strategize on it almost daily. To make a very, very long story short, my brother and his wife are addicted to drugs and thankfully for now are both in rehab. Their daughter was living with me but now is living in a teen group home - mostly because of lying. This entire family lies constantly - and this was before the drug addiction.

With my niece, it's a little easier to deal with because I have some authority over her. It's harder with her parents because they are peers. Once I fully understood that pretty much everything my niece told me was a lie, I was able to be very straightforward about it. It's really difficult in our society to call someone a liar - it's almost as if calling someone a liar is worse than telling the lie. But anyway, I was able to tell her that because she had lied to me about so much, she had violated trust and there was no way I could believe anything she said. And so anything she said to me, such as "I'll be at Jane's house" I would say, "Ok, I'll need Jane's address and phone number so I can make sure you are there." Her teachers and counselors are all aware of the situation as well. She had become close to some of her teachers - the ones who bought into her lies. Well as soon as the adults in her life stopped believing her lies, she would no longer be friendly to them. And, one by one, she cut off people in her life who don't believe what she says. More recently, she started reaching out to more distant family members, and telling them lies. It's as if she now has to seek out a new audience because the people around her are onto her. She is probably a sociopath. I can't tell you if what we are doing is working yet, but I have to think that by being straightforward, and overtly telling her that we will check out whatever story she tells, has to eventually curtail the lying.

As for her parents, who are also master manipulators, we have to keep a fine balance with them because they are psychologically very fragile right now. But they will call my mom with some sob story of why they need to get out and now instead of believing their story, we check it out. And then we tell them, "well that's not what the nurse said. she said this..." and never really say "you're lying" but they are starting to get the idea that we will investigate. And this has actually helped quite a bit.

Sorry this got so long - but with your "friend" especially if you have to encounter her in your life I would suggest doing a quick investigation of anything she tells you and then tell her what you found out. If you are comfortable doing it, be upfront and tell her that because she lied to you you can't believe anything she says and you'll have to check out her stories before you can believe her. I think most liars count on you just buying into what they say because that's the polite thing to do. You will either become the person she thinks twice about lying to or she'll avoid you. Hope that helps.