My cousin just had a fantastic wedding celebration, which her parents had planned almost a year in advance. My mom and I are very close to her parents (my maternal uncle); my family and my parents had initially planned to go. But my mom had a big surgery last month; and at that time, she was feeling very depressed that she wouldn't be able to travel to the wedding - my dad obviously would be with her. My brother wouldn't have come anyways and would have been with my mom because of his work restrictions.
But I couldn't tolerate my mom's depression; so I skipped the wedding to spend a few weeks with her for moral support. The rest of my immediate family as well as my other aunts and uncles went to the wedding, had loads of fun and met all our relatives.
Now that the event is over, I am feeling very guilty of having missed such an important event in my uncle's life because of my over-sentimental nature. I am also feeling this way because a month after the surgery, mom's recovered now and feeling quite fine; in her own words, she would have been okay if I had some fun in my life. Feeling guilty in various ways, plain stupid and crazy to the point of breakdown: guilty for uncle's family, guilty for myself to miss a big fun event (something like this won't happen any time soon), and yet very guilty of thinking this way when my mom is still not yet fully recovered and actually felt better on seeing me. I am also feeling guilty towards my young son and my husband who are having a hard time dealing with the day-to-day pressures alone back home so I could be with my mom! Everybody understands as my mom is recovering from a terminal illness and we are all very concerned for her, but I am feeling mentally torn in every direction now!
Posting this question here because I know I can count on the wise and friendly mamas here to help me clear my mental cobwebs. Need some words of upliftment, please! :(
Thanks lovely mamas, you made me feel better about my decision!
It sounds to me like you have done the best you possibly can do. Let the rest go. I'm sure everyone understands why you weren't at the wedding. It also sounds like you have a supportive husband too. Really let it go. Dealing with a terminal illness shows you in life what really is important.
Sounds like it's time to get home to your family now that your mom is back in her feet.
As for the wedding ...there maybe a lot of concern over who's going and before the wedding. The day of seriously the bride and groom are focused on the joy of the day and not who did it didn't make it. And certainly if anyone had good reason not to be there it is you, your mom and dad. Your the only one that still isn't over it. Let it go:).
You did what you thought was right at the time. Priorities are always in life.
1. Your mom had a major surgery and was recovering. You did not know how she would recover and wanted to be there for her.
2. At your home you have a husband and a child who are missing you.
3. A wedding had been scheduled for over a year on a certain date (in conflict with mom's surgery).
4. You are torn between everything and emotionally overwhelmed.
Stop take a breath. Mom is doing fine. The wedding went off without a hitch. Your husband and child are doing well. See if you can get pictures of the wedding or video to review the event. Pack your bags and go home. When you get home take a nice long relaxing bath with a glass of wine and RELAX.
Life is too short as you are experiencing to be in a full blown drama. Appreciate all that you have and that your mom is going to be around a for a bit longer and enjoy the fact. Keep in touch and do live your life for you. Take a walk and just enjoy nature and its sounds and smells. Should it rain while you are out, enjoy the raindrops. Live life in the moment and have no regrets.
the other S.
I don't think that anyone should ever regret spending time with their sick mother. You did the right thing. Sure, you missed a huge, fun event. But there will be others.
One thing that you can do is ask for a copy of the video. Maybe you and your mom can watch it together.
Honestly, when I get all out of whack emotionally (for example, when I feel things more strongly than normal and get worried) it's just the stress of the situation. I suspect this is all a reaction to your mom having a terminal illness and helping care for her while having a family at home.
When I've been ill, or people in my family, or when I had to miss big events (for me it was a huge wedding down south at a tropical location) I felt the same. Just conflicted about what we should do, some guilt at not going, some sadness at missing out, etc.
Add in the stress that you are away from your husband and child ... it adds up. Sounds like you need a break or some 'me' time. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices to do what we know in our heart is best. You made a choice to be with your mother which felt right at the time. I wouldn't second guess. And I'm sure your uncle was more focussed on his child's big day - the fact that you could not attend would have been fully understood.
Good luck :)
You are over-whelmed!! And at these times our hormones and emotions get all messed up.
I had a situation where my first cousin was getting married and I was in graduate school. They planned the wedding in November around Thanksgiving. It would have been a plane trip and then a drive on top of that...my husband could not go (we didn't have kids) he was also in grad school. He was very clear that his thesis deadlines could not be met and go on a trip. Mine were the same way but I thought that maybe I could work on it while I was gone...then debated back and forth, back and forth...I ended up not going. My husband and I never traveled over Thanksgiving while in school there were always too many projects and papers to work on...it was a week of buckle down and work for us.
I was very sad about this and my cousin and I were and are very close. She was in my wedding. She had all her besties in her wedding, no family due to drama.
To this day I regret not going...I blame the stress of school, being newly married myself, and the thought of such a long trip alone overwhelming. I am still kicking myself. However I know for sure I would have missed a deadline if I had gone and I had already missed one previous to this due to my mom having surgery.
I spent a while beating myself up and sometimes will think on it with regret. However, life does go on...they celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary last year coming up on their 18th this year. I send cards and remember them long after the event when not many other do.
Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a hug for being there for your mom. I am sending you a hug!! Life's disappointments can be tough but we are strong women!
Awww!! The sting of regret SUCKS!!!!! I've felt it many times. But you know what. You made the right choice. You made it for a reason. No one is upset with you. Sometimes looking back we can all say we could have made better choices. And sometimes that's true.
The best thing you can do is to find the solution you SHOULD have used, and seek out it's elements so you can use them the next time a hard choice comes up. And it will. So. If you feel like, "You know what, my mom would have been fine home alone for that time. I should have gone. I miss all my relatives and did not realize how important it was for me to see them until it was too late." Then the lesson is: People can survive without you. Note to self. It's OK to go do stuff. And you miss your family, so reach out to them now. Call them. Send messages. Let them know how you're feeling. Make it a point to bond with each in some way, and in a couple of years, you will have built a stronger tie than if you don't do that. The wedding would have been fun but you're still in the family. Treat yourself well and try to breathe deep and focus on good things when you start to fret.
You were right where you were supposed to be. Period. Your husband managed, your son will be fine.
Give your mom and hugs and kisses and thank her for raising such a loving woman. Then go hug the hell outta your husband and kiss your little boy's face till he can't take it anymore.
You're doing and what you did exactly what you were supposed to do. Have faith in that ok. Glad your mom's ok honey.
I know when I'm stressed, I can't sort things out in my head, and I think that's what's going on with you! Here's my take- had you decided to go to the wedding, you would be writing and saying you feel guilty about not being with your mom. It's a no-win situation. There were two important things going on at the same time, you would no doubt regret whichever one you didn't choose. However, mom trumps all right? I think you made the right call.
Love Suz's idea of asking to see pictures and/or videos. Taking an interest in the wedding will make your cousin/uncle feel good and will ease your guilt as you find a way to connect.
One last thing, sometimes we try so hard to avoid a feeling such as guilt/regret, that we make it worse. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. Not spending all of your energy trying to avoid feeling will allow all of the words you see in these posts sink in. This will pass, I promise!!
