Preparing for a Wedding.

I just recently got re-married in July of 2007. My husband and I both have 2 kids each. We did a family unity sand ceremony. We got a ton of compliments on the ceremony. Each person picks their own color of sand. The mom and dad go first and put a layer on the bottom. Then the kids each do their own sand color. Then the mom and dad put the rest of theirs on the top. It symbolizes how you are a blended family now and you can't be separated like the sand can't be separted either. If you do a search on yahoo you will find lots of websites to look at. Some websites even have wording that the preacher can read while you are doing it. I hope you have a wonderful wedding!!!!!

Congratulations! It sounds like you'll have a lovely blended family. I'm just replying to the step-parenting part of your question. I've had good friends who have been in your position. As far as your fiance's two older children, they are adults and it seems should be addressed as you would address someone your age, and the ground rules for being at the house should be the same as for your friends, involving respect and consideration for the folks who live there. Perhaps you could talk to your fiance and agree about what the rules should be. It will create less friction if he will take primary responsibility for bringing up issues with the adult children. The one year-old will see you as a second mommy, and uour fiance will need to be able to discuss parenting issues with the baby's primary caregiver. Please back your fiance in his keeping or creating good communication with the baby's mom. You sound like a sweet person with all the goodwill in the world, but it is possible that your fiance's older children will take a while to accept you. A middle road is good, expressing interest and warmth but not asking too much from them in the way of intimacy.

Dear L.,
I too am considerably younger than my husband, with step-children,and am only 5 years older than my step-son. You are choosing a difficult path. No matter how much you love each other, there are just in-built problems. Many people spend more time planning a wedding than a marriage. If you haven't already done so, you need to be discussing the authority and discipline issues with your fiance. As far as step-children go, you will not be able to discipline them! That is up to your husband. However, it is also up to him to make his children understand what the ground rules are in the home you two will share. So decide these together and then stick together on the issues as they come up.
Teenaged/young adult boys will be difficult because they will see you in a sexual context without really wanting to. It's not their fault, it's just human nature. It will be difficult for you to be taken seriously as a "mother figure" yet hard for them to see you as a "friend". It is a fine line to walk, but I am confident that you will be able to do it with experience and some skill!
Finally, it will probably be difficult for your own husband to take you seriously all the time because of your age difference. I don't know what personality he has, but he is just way more experienced than you in life. Don't let it make you feel stupid, and do stand up for what you feel is really important. Remember, he is choosing you as well for a life partner knowing the age/experience difference. You may not be equal in knowledge or experience in every area. Some things you will know more about and some he will know more about. Just agree that you are equal partners in the marriage with your owns strengths and weaknesses and you will do fine.
God Bless You,
Married for 25 years

WHOOOAAA!! How long have you known this guy?? How much older is "significantly" ? I am thinking at least 40 or so. Trust me, you will not have any "authority" with his older kids. Helloooo, they are adults and you could be their older sister.
Apparently knowing the fact that this man has a 1 yr old, either means you all haven't been together very long, or he was fooling around on you if you have.
Maybe you should take a step back and assess the situation, do a background check or something. Aren't the hairs of caution on the back of your neck standing up??
I would be concerned about my 2 and 3 yr old children and be concerned, very concerned!!!!

I have to say WOW, that is a bit of an age difference if there is only 5 yrs between you and the stp-son. Good Luck first off. Then I would say make sure you and your fiance are in agreement as to the rules you want in the house for the older boys, then I would say let him brooch the subject w/ them. I think no matter how nice you put it, the age difference and the whole stp parent thing would just make it too awkward for them to hear it from you.
If you want them in the wedding they are at a Great age I say to just have them stand up w/ their father as best men or something, ask them for ideas too maybe they would prefer to be in the background as ushers or something.
I know what you mean about wanting to fancy-up this wedding my cousin did the same thing, a judge the first time and the 2nd time she wanted a girls dream wedding, her 2nd hubby however did it opposite, the big wedding the first time and wanted it much simpler the 2nd. They compromised and had a Lovely wedding at their home. It was really nice and I'm a little partial I guess (on my Anniv. too)

By now I'd think the older kids probably know something is going on they are adults, I'd have him sit and talk to them honestly, if they have been around the two of you enough then they can see how good you are for each other. It way take a while for them to adjust but then again they are adults, the only one you need to worry about discipline on is the 1 yr old again the older ones are adults and are beyond the point of needing discipline, just let them know you are there for them as a friend and eventually you'd like for them to think of you as a mom but in no way do you want to replace their mom.

For the wedding have the boys be a part of the wedding party--grooms men, the others are amlost too young to do anything although I have seen in other weddings that are blending families the new dad to be gives a gift to the bride's kids and vice versa.

Good luck and congrats!

Wow, You have really bite off a big one. But you can pull it off. First off put it in God's hand. He has the answers.You just have to let them know that you are their friend. Not their mother. And that you will be there for them. All of them, even the older ones. If you and this man love each other that is all that is necessary. The children will have to except that. They may not like it, but it isn't there choice to like or dislike. I have a step daughter that just met her dad 3 yrs ago. And that almost broke up our marriage because he couldn't except us both at the same time. So I had to work on that issue and I won. His daughter and I are great friends she calls me mama and life goes on.

But you have to let them know right away that you love their dad and this is what is going to be. Ask them to please except it and be happy for you, but let them know it is happening. If they have a problem with it, they will most likely come around. Or not, that is there choice but dont let any of it get in your way of happiness. Children are important, but so is love and marriage. Hang in there use your insincts and things will go on for you. Just be strong and willing to listen if they want you to and if they don't let it go. They will either come around or not and you can't make that choice for them.

Go for it be happy and love that man

G.

For starters, congratulations on your pending nuptials. I too married a significantly older married man with the whole yours, mine and then later, ours clan. Anyway. He brought 2 sons 28 and 21 and a daughter 24 to the marriage and I an 18 month daughter. By the way, I failed to mention that I was 27 at the time. Two of them were married too, so I had grandkids also. The 21 year old son lived with us as did my daughter. As far as breaking the news, if you've been dating a while, these kids should be expecting this to happen sometime. If you have a good relationship with the kids, and I'm not talking "best buddies" they should take it fine. If they were girls, it would probably be different. As far as authority goes, you're soon to be hubby needs to help set some ground rules with the boys. Need I say men at this point. Respect is the key here. It's not like you can put them in time out or something. But if you respect them, you should receive the same. But you really need to have your man talk to them. I think that will be the key. I don't have any advice on the wedding, we went to maui, hawaii and got married at sunset on the beach... So romantic. Good luck

As corny as this may sound, it was really cool....
And you could actually do it since there will be 7 people in the family.
I went to a wedding two years ago and that it was each persons second marriage. At some point during the ceremony, each family member took turns pouring colored sand into a glass vase. Representing the blending of the two families. My friend now displays the vase in her house near some wedding pictures.
Good luck and best wishes!!!

Well, the older children could be part of the wedding party, and the younger ones could walk together. Depending upon how old the youngest is by the time you get married. As far as the authority, I think you would be safer at establishing rules for your home for all adults to follow, not just his children. As a 25 y/o, I am not so sure that you can establish authority over them, I don't believe they will handle that well, because they are adults too. As long as you include them all in the process of the wedding and marriage, you should be fine. With your age and their ages being so close, your best bet might be to just be the friend and shoulder. Their father should be the one to explain that you are going to be his wife, and they need to respect you because you will then be a significant part of his life.

I would invite the old kids to have dinner with the two of you one night and tell them how much you love their dad and tell them you plan on getting marrage. As for the gound rules I would talk to my sweetheart about the ground rules and them have him talk to the younger kids with you beside him. This will show them that dad agrees with this ground rules and you are not just trying to be mean. As far as the wedding and the kids I would get them invited with it at the level that is right for them, maybe the older ones can be in the wedding party or be kept the book for you. I also would have a necklace or the like for the kids and them take vows as far as being part of the new family. Where are you needing help with the wedding planning?

A LITTLE ABOUT ME, BEFORE I RESPOND. I AM A MOM, GRAND-
MOTHER AND GREAT GRANDMOTHER; AND, A PhD PSYCHOLOGIST,
STILL PRACTICING.

MY RESPOND IS A QUESTION: ARE YOU WANTING TO PREPARE FOR
A WEDDING, OR A 'MARRIAGE'. THE BEST IS TO PREPARE FOR A
MARRIAGE, WITH OR WITHOUT A 'BLENDED' FAMILY.

YOU DO NOT MENTION THE AGE OF THE MAN YOU ARE MARRYING,
AND I WONDER HOW MUCH EFFECTIVE COMMICATIONS YOU HAVE HAD
WITH HIM CONCERNING A 'BLENDED' FAMILY.

I HAVE COUNSELED MANY 'BLENDED' FAMILIES, AND MY RESPONSE
FOR THE 19 AND 20 YR OLD......THE HOUSE RULES WILL BE
AGREED UPON BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND TO BE, AND THEN
YOUR HUSBAND TO BE WILL SEE THE HOUSE RULES ARE DISCUSSED
BETWEEN THE 4 OF YOU, AND HE WILL BE THE ONE TO SEE WHAT
YOU AGREE UPON WILL BE DONE.

NOW, YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY WITH THE OTHER
CHILDREN WHO ARE YOUNGER.........BUT AGAIN I SAY YOU
AND HE WANT TO AGREE ON DISCIPLINE, AND JOINTLY ABIDE
ON SAME. DOES NOT WORK WHEN THE TWO OF YOU DO NOT
AGREE......JUST CONFUSES THE CHILDREN.

MAY I SUGGEST YOU HAVE SOME PRE-MARITAL COUNSELING, IF
YOU HAVE NOT ALREADY AND SAY EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY
AND WHAT YOU WANT FROM THIS MARRIAGE FOR THE BOTH OF YOU
AND THE CHILDREN. YOU BOTH WOULD INDEPENDENTLY PREPARE
WHAT YOU WANT AND DISCUSS OPENLY WITH EACH OTHER.

YOU WANT TO SAY AND TELL EACH OTHER BEFORE YOU ARE
MARRIED AND DISCUSS HOW YOU WANT TO LIVE YOUR LIVES
TO FIND HAPPINESS, FULFILLMENT FOR EACH INDIVIDUAL AND
UNITED AS A 'FAMILY'.
MY E MAIL: ____@____.com; tele: ###-###-#### if
you want to talk. MY BEST TO YOU, N. J ANDREW, PhD

Hi, L..

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS!!

My advice may seem a little harsh, but I feel you may need to forget about having authority over his 19 and 20 year olds. They are adults, and will resent any sense of authority coming from you. The most you can do is serve as a go between when they have disagreements with their father. You are closer to their ages, so you would more than likely have a better understanding of some issues than their father. Help him to see their side when necessary, and vice-versa.

As far as cool ideas for the wedding, it really depends a lot on the time of year and what you and your groom-to-be consider "cool". A wedding can be whatever you want it to be. Give me a call. I would LOVE to help with your plans.
T.
TylannAffair, LLC (Event Planning)
###-###-####
www.tylannaffair.com
____@____.com

I have to say that am 28 and my Dad is just about to remarry in June! I am the 2nd child of 9 (ranging in age from 30 years - 10 years old). It is SO WEIRD to think of my Dad getting married! I have known this could happen for a while since they have been dating since before my daughter (now 6 1/2) was born.
The "grown children" may take a while to get used to things. It also depends for them on how long it has been since their dad originally divorced and how long since you 2 have been dating. I would say that at this age they won't really be staying the night with you much - I would hope that they have grown up and acted maturely enough to be supporting themselves for the most part!! After all, the teen years are there to really teach them how to be on there own with guidance and discipline so that when they graduate they are ready to "take on the world" so to speak. I think the best thing if they are mature is to not act like a step-mom, but treat it more like a friendship. They probably already have a mom and want to know that they can relax around you! Even treating them like guests in your home, like they are special and deserve to be treated as such. Be careful about placeing "RULES" on them because they will be "guests" if they come to your home, or it will be your "intruding" on their space if your moving into his home!!
My mom remarried about 18 months after the divorce proceeding began with my dad and my step-dad moved into the house where I grew up. I never lived at home after my mom remarried but it was AWFUL being in the house with a strange man after having seen my dad there all those years!!
Most importantly, be honest and forthcoming with them. Don't rush into marriage as difficult as it may be on your own with 2 tiny ones. Give opportunity for the idea of adjusting to life with another person so closely connected to them! Give them opportunity share their feelings and concerns about the whole situation!! if they know that you are truly interested in them it won't be such an issue. You can even have their dad talk to them away from you about the whole thing because they may not be as interested in sharing feelings with you around as they might be with dad alone!
As far as the wedding is concerned, I know that you both want them all to be involved but make sure they are ok with it! I know for me, I love my dad's fiance but I am glad at this point that I have not been asked to be in the wedding! This is THEIR day and I just don't want to be in the wedding!
Finally, I am going to be rather bold in this final point and I really don't know the whole situation so I hope that this won't come across bad, please bear with me! I have to say that I am somewhat concerned that an older man is interested in such a young lady with children. The Little one that belongs to him is only 1. Your children are very young as well!! This means you have both a "relationship" with someone in the RECENT past. I would hate for any of you to get hurt. You are still young - You have the rest of your life before you and I know you want the best for all involved but I don't want anyone to get hurt. The best thing my dad did was to give time (6 years for him - I would advocate a 8mo.+ engagement) for he and his fiance to grow together and give us kids opportunity to learn about them and vice-a-versa-a! I AM SO PROUD of my dad for making this a priority in his life! It sure made it easier on ALL 9 of us kids!!
I hope this helps. I would happy to answer if you have any other questions!

Hi L., My name is N.. I've been a DJ for 27 years, mostly weddings; I married a man 12 yrs older than me when I was 17; and my mother remarried when I was about 12yrs.

Ok, when my 'new' to be step dad told me of the engagement, he also told me we were moving from StLouis to Cairo, Egypt. He calmly told me the following, which has meant the world to me even today; "my name is Dave, David, or if it is easier around your friends, you can call me Dad. However, I am not your dad, not here to replace him, talk about him, but anytime you need the advise, care or comfort of a Dad, I'll be here. If you need s'thing, don't put me in the middle please, ask your mother. If she agrees, so do I" My mom & stepdad are now divorced, but he is still a big part of the family and I will respect him as my Step-Dad forever.

Now when I married at 17 to a man 12 yrs older than me with 2 kids, I freaked. My oldest step-son is only 9 yrs younger than me, the other was just coming out of diapers. I told them basically the same thing that my stepdad told me...my name is N., I'm not here to replace your mom.. etc. Again, I think I gained the same sort of respect from them off the bat, like I did with my stepfather. My oldest stepson still calls me on Father's Day to tell me he loves me and he is greatful for his 2 Moms! Try to keep the same type of relationship with the x-wife. Let her know the same message; my name is...I'm not your mom...don't put me in the middle... It took 1 yr, but since that year, I call the x-wife every Thanksgiving to thank her for sharing her family with me..now she expects me to still call...even tho I am divorced 14 yrs, the kids are greatly a part of my family, and the x-wife makes sure to include me and keep me informed of "things" necessary. I thank God for this relationship. I even told the oldest when he was about to have a baby that my name is N., not g'ma. Reminded him that his mother shared you boys with me, I'm not going to take away her first grandchild. When my granddaughter was old enough to ask, we explained it all to her, the best we could to a 4 year old!, and she calls me N. or g'ma no!

Now, about the wedding! It is a good thing to include them all in the wedding if possible. Think about a jr bride and groom for the youngest, escorted by the next older kids as the ring bearer/flower girl. One of the kids could have a simple job at the ceremony of passing out bottles of bubbles and at the reception of passing out gift boxes (like the chocolate covered almonds or s'thing of the sort). This job will make that child feel important and get him around to see everyone. The older kids, put them in the party as well, wedding party or ushers....DISCUSS it with them. Communication is a big key factor to your life now!

During the wedding; For your 1st dance/bride & groom, have the wedding party introduced out to the dance floor by couples, then your parents and his, even if they are not still married, have boyfriends/girlfriends. If your parents are divorced, it is easy for the DJ to introduce them as Tom Jones escorting Betty White...it doesn't have to be Mr. & Mrs. Once the whole group has been introduced to the dance floor, "Now welcome to the dance floor for their first dance as Mr. & Mrs...." After the 1st verse, have the DJ ask the wedding party and family join in. You could even be introduced to the floor with the 2 small kids dressed as jr bride and groom...hold them while you dance..good way to keep them quiet and feel part of the activities. This way, there is a group. Everyone is included, but eyes are not just on the "divorced/step people"!!

When you do a Bride and Father dance, if you do one, have the DJ announce that after the 1st verse all the fathers and daughters in the house join in with the bride and her father. Your new husband can even come out and dance with his daughter...same would apply if you do a Groom and mother dance, except it would be all the moms and their sons join in.

You have a big job ahead of you...I know, I've been there. My oldest is now 35 and youngest turns 30 this month. Remember, communication is the key. Don't play sides, that will only get you stuck on one side, you want to be on all sides!

You can reply to me again if you need further help, I'd be glad to help out. I spend my winters in Australia with my sweetie, so I won't be back in St. Louis till end of March, but here is my e-mail address if you have any more questions ____@____.com bless, and the best of everything to you!
As Always, N.