My daugher will be 17 this year. We decided to forego a party since we had a huge blow out for her Sweet 16 and she graduates and turns 18 next year (not to mention her sister will have her coming out the following year). Well, "Sarah" approached me and said she'd still like to go to dinner with about 10 friends. She just wants a special dinner...no gifts...no bands...just dinner. She works and said she will pay for her own dinner...but she can't afford to pay for all her friends. She doesn't know how to invite them to dinner, but explain everyone pay their own way.
Part of me wants to rescue the situation and hand over my credit card (which will cause a fight with hubby). But I am proud of her that she hasn't begged, pleaded or thrown a tantrum to get her way.
Needless to say - HOW can she word it that everyone knows it's "dutch"? Is that tacky? I've received invites that say "Dinner will be Dutch" or "We kindly ask that each person pay their own way". Neither offended me...but we're talking 16 - 17 year olds...with the exception of Sarah and her best friend Sam, no one else has a job (and not b/c they can't...they just don't have to work as they come from families with money - for the lack of a better word).
Thoughts?
Personally I wouldn't do invitations like it was a birthday party. I would have her talk to whomever she wants to invite and say she wanted to go out to dinner to celebrate her birthday and were they interested in going to dinner. I would specify it is NOT a party, but just as if they were going out to dinner on any other night.
How about if you tell your daughter your birthday present to her will be you paying for hers and her friends dinner? Would your husband go for that?
I would offer to pay for the dinner in lieu of a gift. You can call the restaurant ahead of time and leave your credit card number or invite a few of your own friends and eat at a different table.
If your husband is really against it, I would have her organize a dinner and not have it directly associated with her birthday and then have her friend, Sam, organize the "party" part- servers bring a piece of cake to the table.
i know you didn't ask this, but i would say if you or your daughter cannot cover the outing for all friends she wants present then best to forego the party.
it's not only tacky, but will also put her friends in a bad position to haver to say no i have things to do that day etc.
since she hasn't asked for any gifts then cover this for her.
My personal take:
If she isn't asking for any gifts, no party, etc., I'd spring for the dinner... for her at the very least. But most likely for her friends as well, unless the money just wasn't there.
I don't think I'd be offended that I was asked to pay my own way if I was invited to a birthday dinner, but I'd also think it was a little unusual. Guess I haven't been exposed to that kind of an invitation... just my humble opinion.
I would also offer to pay for the meal, but if hubby isn't on board, offer to pay for appetizers. Maybe word it something like "Appetizers on us, dinner on you!" that way the kids know coming to it that if they want more than appetizers, to bring money. Those who can't afford a meal can snack on the appetizers only. Throw in a cake and that should be enough.
Your best bet is to have a menu made up, and give i to each person. Contact the restaurant and work with them, put 2 choices of appetizers, 3 main courses and two desserts, all the same price. When she invites them, she can say, I would love for you to join me, and the price is only $$$ per person, if you can afford it it would be great to share my day with you!
Personally, I think it is impolite to host a party and then expect your guests to pay. I realize people do that, I've even been to a dinner party where the "dutch" part was announced when the check was delivered.
If she cannot afford to pay for all of them, perhaps she could scale back her plans and just go somewhere for dessert. Or maybe if she has another friend who has a birthday close to hers they could team up and have a joint birthday dinner. Or what if she made dinner for her friends and invited them over? Encourage her to be creative and think of a fun and "within-budget" way she can host the party.
I don't think there's anything wrong with you helping her with "the budget"... but I also think its fine not to.
I'm kind of with Lee on this O.. I think it's very awkward to ask people pay their own way. Ask her to choose 2 or 3 friends to go and mom and dad should pay.
I think that it's perfectly fine to word it the way that you have seen it on invitations to you.
If it really presents a problem, ask the restaurant to let you select certain menu items for a set price--salad or soup choice, three choices for entree, dessert choice, for up to $20, depending on where she goes. This way they'll have an idea of how much money will be spent. It'll be her special birthday menu.
I wouldn't necessarily send out an invitation but maybe she could organize it with her friends through Facebook or something. This is how "birthday parties" with my friends are and we're all in our 30s. I organize everyone for my DH and he does the same for me. I think if it's more informal in the planning/invite area it shouldn't be a problem.
You could always just have a small cookout or something at your house that way it's not a big expense and you avoid the awkwardness. Your daughter could help pay for the food if she wanted and you and you husband could just let her and her friends do their thing while you hang out in another part of the house.
