Pros and Cons of Mixed Race Dating

Life will be wonderful, if they love and respect each other! Hopefully, times have changed, and in any case they will not accept to be deterred from being together by the wrong attitudes of strangers, don't you think?

My sister is dating a man of another race, and so far things are going smoothly.

There are so many more mixed-race couples now than there were 10, 20, 30 years ago, that it's not the shock it used to be.

I think part of it is how you handle it. If you act like it's not a big deal, then others will be loathe to make a big issue out of it.

The most important thing is her happiness. If she's happy, that's all that matters.

I was married to my hs sweetheart 17 1/2 yrs(he passed in 05) who was black.I'm white.He was also a Little Person/disabled.You can't worry about what everyone else thinks.If they love each other that's all that matters.You learn to have an us against the world mentality.It makes you closer as a couple.
I still date black men and don't worry about others .Worrying about others will tear you apart.Read Love in black and White by Mark and Gail Mathabane

In today's society I don't believe it is an issue. I am not of immediate mix race (Mother and father), But most people think I am. My ancestors are all different races. I believe as long as the family stands by the couple and their children they will be fine. After all their were mixed races throughout the bible, including Moses. It is my understanding that only in America is someone judged so harshly by the color of their skin instead of the quality of their heart and intent of their mind. Beautiful people come in all shades, shapes, and afrom all backgrounds. I think the most important thing to see is if the are religiously the same match. However, I have even seen that work out for some.

Being in a mixed marriage, I have first hand knowledge and experience. I am 100% Irish, both my parents are from Ireland and my husband is black. As a parent I can understand your concern for your child and the prejudice they will encounter. You also need to understand, prejudice, unfortunately, isn't going to go away. They will be fine as long as they understand how people will look at them, and they will, and also how strong their love is. We have had our
fair share of looks..oh well, that is their problem. Overall though, I think that most people are accepting and more and more mixing of races is happening. If I can stress anything, it is making your child feel acceptance among your family. No one in my family sees my husbands skin color, they see the man, the wonderful husband, and amazing father that he is. We have one GORGEOUS almost 3 year old son and will soon welcome our second child. I refuse to let other people determine how happy I or my family are or will be. Support your child and keep her and her boyfriend in your prayers. God sent my husband to me and I know that he is who I am supposed to be with and I couldn't be more blessed.

Hi Bonnie,

I'm not going to tell you one way or the other but I want to tell you my experience. I did not marry a man of a different race but one from a completely culturally different part of the country. My sister told me it would be like marrying outside of my race and I thought she was crazy. After 17 years of marriage, I would say that she was right. It has been an adventure and if my husband and I had not been so committed to our marriage it could have ended up badly. There are a lot of factors that go into a decision to get married, the least of which is love. Love is truly the icing on the case.

Worrying doesn't help anything, just make sure your daughter is ready to sacrifice. ALL marriage is sacrificial! :)

God bless!

M.

Your concerns are understood. However, the best "race" in the world is that of Jesus Christ. If the man is a believer of Jesus, hoping your daughter is too, race does not matter. They will be fine. Pray for them.

I want to first say that it is seems a little harsh for people to point the finger in suggesting you are shallow or racist. There are stereotypes because a general pattern has made it so. You are going to be concerned about something you are not familiar with and perhaps have no experience with other than what you hear and see on TV. You being concerned is what makes you a good mother, it's our job to look at all sides of it. Just because it's more acceptable and "everybody's doing it" so to speak, doesn't mean that there aren't still negative sides to it.
That being said, the world is changing so much these days and if you can get a good man--that's the most important thing. I have been in an interracial marriage for almost 7 years (been together for over 15) and it has been great. He treats me wonderful and I couldn't ask for a better husband. I will admit that when we were younger it was awkward and difficult for me to go out with him as there were many stares and certain looks that I just knew were because I was a black woman dating a white man. Now that I am much older, I can tell the times have changed--there are still looks out there but I don't notice them because of the love and happiness we share that is so much stronger than what anyone can throw at us. Yes love is colorblind and it allows you to overlook the few ignorant people there are. Also, there are so many others out there so you don't feel like you're the only one out there. I have several other family members who have dated/are married to someone outside of our race. Our parents were concerned when we were younger but never treated us different (perhaps thought it would run its course) but we have a great life. My mother treats her like one of her own.
Our kids are still young (3 and 1) but it's amazing how they don't know that mommy is black and daddy is white. I have had children a little older ask me why I look like I do and why my child is white and I know the day will come that they will notice color (because of others) but that unconditional love you get--regardless of what I or their father look like will go out to the world one day and help to continue the changes in the world. I hope I've said anything that eases your concerns (instead of just rambling). Most important is happiness. And of course your acceptance will just make that joy so much more meaningful because she will be able to share the joys in her life with you (if they end up marrying one day).
N. of Woodstock, GA

I recently moved to this area after living all over the world. I am excited to see a variety of races living amongst each other in this region. My children go to a school that has multiple races in it. Many speak a different language which helps me teach her that learning another language is important in our global society. When you say another race, I'm not going to assume the race is black or white. We live in the 21st century and should have moved past that prejudice by now.

My niece married a black man and had a child out of rebellion for her family. She divorced him. Later, she married another black man who is absolutely perfect for her. This time she married for love and respect.

So, I do not believe that a person should have problems with her child dating another race. With that said... both the parent and the child need to be educated on that race. Does the person of that race have the same beliefs as you have raised your child to have? If the person is of another country with different religious, political, and familial beliefs then my concern would be with the next generation. If my daughter ended up marrying this person and had a child of her own, would the marriage be strong with love and mutual respect? Or, if problems occurred, would her husband take the child to his country never to see mom again?

I would talk with my daughter and let her know my concerns. Telling her that she can not date him because of his race will fuel a fire that you may not like burning. I would let her know that I am open-minded, that I love her, and only wish for her happiness, successes in life, and safety.

Best wishes to you!

I have often wondered the same thing as my son entered the dating scene. He dated several women of many races. He ended up marrying someone of his own race, and having two beautiful baby boys.

When he was still dating, I had to ask myself what it was that I was afraid of? When it came right down to it, if he was happy, it didnt matter what the color of skin was. You have to be able to let them live and make choices as they mature and grow. Trying to make a big deal out of it will only push the child away, thus alienate you in the future. You raised your child to the best of your ability, right? At some point we have to just let them live their lives and accept their choices. I think that you will see that what you taught your child will outweigh anything else. It is very hard for mothers to let our babies go. But its the circle of life. I hope that this eases your mind.

In a nutshell. Let them make their own choices. If they make mistakes they will learn from them. None of us are perfect by any means. Just be there to support you child thru whatever comes his/her way. That is why mommys give unconditional love.

Good Luck Bonnie!

I would be most concerned about teaching my daughter to date only men who treat her well. Happily, the world is a-changin' and people's minds are expanding. There may be those who would react to a mixed race couple, it's true. But there are going to be people who mistreat others for so many reasons -- we can't go through life trying to make sure we are socially acceptable to even the lowest/most ignorant/closed-minded. My mother's argument was, "Well life will be harder for any children of mixed-race marriages" to which I respond, "Does that mean that little purebred children are saved from ridicule?" There will always be someone who has something to say -- you're too tall/short/fat/skinny/have acne/a speech impediment/a black dad/not enough money/not the right clothes...

If the young man your daughter is dating is a good person and treats her well, I say "YOU GO, GIRL!" It makes me so happy to see people who have the courage and the will to follow their hearts despite the possible odd look or ugly words of ugly people.

Responsible and respectful. Wow, only what we can all hope from our children's boyfriends and girlfriends! obviously you're doing something right, right up front. As for your worry, I think I would sit back and bit and see where this relationship is heading. If you think it's warranted, I would raise the issue in a straightforward manner. Such as "you know, some people are really tough on interracial couples. have you guys experienced any of that?" I always knew that my parents would never have a problem with it, should I have chosen so, but I also knew that they would raise the question and warn me up front that things may be tougher going. I think honest communication is the key. And if they are aware that they may encounter issues, then they can formulate a response before it's even needed.

Bonnie, I am a 27 year old product of an interracial relationship. All you need to focus on is how this man treats your daughter, not race or even what ALL of the ignorant people out there will do or say. IGNORE IGNORANCE! I did not know my parents were not the same race until 7th grade when a classmate asked me if that was my white mother! Up until that point, all I had known is that my parents loved me and excellenty displayed love within a marriage. The more you dwell on race, the less you will see the great man that he is and what a shame that would be.

I think you will find that interracial relationships are much more common than they used to be. My husband and I have been together for 4 years and have never had any obstacles that weren't easily overcome. There may be a few cultural difference to adapt to, but as long as there is love and respect in the relationship everything will be fine! Society has come a long way in the acceptance of each other and my husband and I have never faced any discrimination by our family or our peers.

Hi Bonnie,
You should actually be very proud of your daughter. I applaud those who are brave enough to follow their hearts, see beneath the skin, and love each other regardless of what others think and say. I believe that biracial marriages and friendships are what will ultimately bridge the gap and reduce racism in the generations to come.
Having said that, I have also seen people date and marry someone of another race just to rebel against their parents. If that isn't the case and she is dating this man for the right reasons, then just be happy for them and supportive of their relationship. The man you describe sounds like the kind of man we would all want for our daughter. Whatever decisions they make, I hope it will lead them both to happiness.

You know, my mother had the same worries. She said to me, "But what about the children?" It pained me to hide our relationship from my parents for a year before "coming out" that we were dating and getting serious. I am Caucasian and married to an Asian man. We have been married for 5 years and have 2 beautiful children. Honestly, nowadays no one even looks twice at a mixed race couple, unlike my experiences 10-15 years ago. The most important things are what you described this young man to be. I believe that you should treat this relationship with the same watchful respect that I'm sure you'll treat any of her relationships, friend or boyfriend.

Hi Bonnie,
I can offer some personal experience in this department--I'm in a mixed-race marriage, and we celebrated our 10th anniversary last August. He is simply a great person and I can't imagine a better spouse or daddy. His biggest challenge has been finding work in our small city in Georgia and discrimination is probably a factor (he's not from the US and has a strong accent). As for kids, we have two lovely children, 6 and almost 3. They are popular with their classmates and well-treated by adults. True, they are young enough that the big issues of being mixed have not hit yet, however so far, I have no reason to expect anything different. So if this young man has a job, solid work habits, and good character, it sounds like a great situation.
Good luck with everything.

You are right to worry about the welfare of your child, since the world can be a cruel place sometimes. I think it is naive of anyone who doesn't acknowledge that the world is not always as accepting as our own Mother can be. Don't waste time worrying about the world, though, instead, be happy that your daughter has found such a nice companion to spend her time with. He sounds like a lovely person, and I believe, like my Mom always told me, that it is what is on the inside that counts.

My ex-husband is of another race.

I can't begin to tell you how this affected my relationships with my family. They didn't speak to me for over 10 years.

Saying that, I'll say this. For me, race isn't an issue. For me, what is mutually given/received in a relationship is what is most important to me. Always has been and always will be.

I will say, though, that it wasn't only my race that gave me fits; it was his as well. I didn't fit in and it was probably because of my upbringing in the area I grew up in (yes, KKK on the streets and cross-burnings every Saturday night). I saw it. I lived it in my family and in my schools. It was the most confusing and depressing times of my life. When I married, it was because I wanted a more positive change in my life. I never expected my family would react the way they did.

Today, things are so different! I see things differently - with a more "open" eye, as it were. I perceive the issues of race as being 1) generational 2) media-influenced and 3) your own personal convictions. I have no problem at all being in friendships with anyone unless my initial reaction to them was intuitively a negative one, no matter their race. I avoid politics, race and religious discussions with my family to keep their negativity to a minimum.

I say if the couple has a handle on the race issues surrounding them and are open to different attitudes and opinions about it, then their future is solid as they can make more of a firm commitment to their own judgments. It will be easy to have a relationship in some circles but they have to be made aware (if not already) that there are a lot of people in this great world who look down on the mixed race relationship. That's a very real reality. Open, honest communication and constant learning is the key.

Hi Bonnie,
I have no problem with mixed marriages. I've lived overseas but now live in Georgia. My neighbors are mixed and she's my best friend.

I can tell you a love story that will melt your heart but it would take a long time so I'll shorten it a lot. A couple I knew overseas, he's white and she's black...had 4 children when I first met them. This couple is so in love with one another still and are simply crazy about one another but love and adore their kids too. They have had 2 more since and she's in her mid to late 40's! I've known many couples thar are mixed. Bottom line? Pray about it and for them that the right decisions will be made.

From the lyrics of the famous Beatles song..."Let it be."

The important thing is he seems to be a good guy and makes her happy. How their life will be depends on how much value they give to what other people think. Interracial dating is so common now that mixed couples don't face the same level of critisim they did 5,10, 15 years ago. My sister & BIL have are a mixed race couple and have been together for 15 years now. They have 3 beautiful bi-racial children and he has a daughter from a previous relationship. We're a family! We all joked at my Gramma's 80th bday that we look like the United Nations. Our cousins have spainsh backround and one of them looks latino while the other is a fair skined redhead (same parents), my sisters children are black-white & native american, and we have every hair/eye/skin color combination you could think of. The more people that gauge people on the content of their character vs. the color of their skin the more of us will be gauged that way.

For me dating and marrying a man of a different race never really mattered to me. You can't choose who you love. Chances are your daughter isn't thinking about what other people think about her relationship, therefore if she does run into prejudice, she will handle it well. My husband and I haven't really encountered any real racism, other than stares and asking what ethnicity are my kids. I commend you for asking this question and being concerned about your daughters well being. I think as long as she can find a guy who truley loves her and takes good care of her, she will be very blessed, no matter what color he is.
take care, A.

I just thought I'd 2nd what everyone else is saying and say something similar to what Mimi H said. My mother used to tell me that in today's society it's hard enough for people of the same culture to stay together in a marriage, let alone outside your own culture. There is nothing wrong with marrying outside your own culture, but they would definitely need to be strong enough. Sounds like they are a wonderful couple!

Love knows no color and I think it is great you brought your daughter up that way. I agree, they will have some situations they will have to deal with being an inter-racial couple but that is something they have to deal with and determine if it is worth it to them. It's hard to watch your children grown up but I think you have to deal with this like you would anything else. Be there for her when she needs you. If he were white with the same qualities you would not have these concerns. My brother and his wife are a inter-racial couple and they have been together for 10 years and now they have a 3 year old son. They say people look at them but that does not even bother them. It will just take time. Best of luck!

He sounds like a wonderful young man. In my mind, race should not be an issue. I am not naive and I understand that it is an issue for some. But if it is not for your daughter and this young man, they will need to eventually decide if they can live with the bigots in our society or not. But the thing is, Bonnie, there are always going to be people that don't like you for some reason. So what! Life is short and finding someone to love and that loves you is priceless and also takes a lot of work. So my advice is to sit back, love your daughter to pieces and it will all work out for the best. Hope this helps, S.

I don't think it should be a concern for you.Only shallow minded people who haven't yet grown out of the racism years or people who believe that God somehow punishes people from different races who mate will look down on it.And in the end who really cares what people like that think?I don't see any pros to this until he shows you otherwise.

It's fine to date or even marry someone out side of your race if that's what they choose to do so , people have taken this thing to far about race i think it's a wonderful thing, my dad and step-mom has been marry for 40 plus years her two sons love me to death, i'm an only child, it's great.May GOD bless this world we live in.

I guess it may depend on where you live, but I don't think this is much of an issue anymore. Here in the city of Atlanta, you see mixed race couples all the time and no one blinks twice about it. Even in the extremely small mid-Georgia town where I grew up, there are several mixed-race couples who don't get any flack (of course I know this because my mother tells me -but I think that people who have an issue with it are predominantly from an older generation).

My niece is married to a guy of another race. I was worried at first, but things are going fairly well for them - 4 years into their marriage. It's not something I could do. Get to know the guy, what's he like, etc. Remember - just because they are datng doesn't mean marriage. Focus on the guy - not the nationality. Good luck.

You definitely are not alone! My daughter is also dating a guy of another race. I spoke with her in detail with she chose to date him and explained to her the social aspects of her decision. Although there are a lot of bad reactions from others in public at times, this situation is more accepted now than in my generation. I also told her that she has to go into this situation with her eyes open and know that there will be people who stare and even people that say mean things at times. My daughter is only a young teenager but ultimately it is her decision. I just wanted her to make an informed decision.
This probably didn't help you any but at least you know you aren't alone.

S. in Winder, GA.

Bonnie,

All that you have to say about the young man is positive. Concentrate on the good things. Unfortunately we live in a race-conscious society. Some ignorant people out there will have a problem with your daughter dating inter-racially. Let that be their problem. People are people. We all have the same basic needs. If this guy is good to your daughter and she's happy, wish and hope for the best.

Good morning Bonnie,

Before I met and married my wonderful king (husband), I was engaged to a man of another race for 20 months. He passed away, but the Lord blessed us with that time together. We were in what I would call a very liberated state it was California. Granted it was almost 20 years ago and Lord knows times has changed. It's not going to be easy even in this day and time, but if he is a great man with wonderful qualities and he makes her happy they will be fine. They will have to work through each situation as they come up. If they get serious, get married, and have children the best advice I could give is to make sure that they teach their babies from the beginning who they are; and that they are to be proud of each heritage. It says a lot about how you raised your daughter that she is able to date outside of her race, so prayerfully she will pass on the same qualities to her children. We are adults can handle most things; but sometimes our babies are not taught how to deal with things until they start to happen which is too late. They will have to teach them to embrace life as a whole with both races.

I am white and my husband is black. We have one of the most wonderful relationships and he treats me better than I treat myself sometimes! Color should not be an issue at all. As long as your daughter is happy I think you should be happy for her. We have two of the most beautiful sons and are extremely happy and do not worry what others think. Don't get me wrong, we do get the occasional looks, but who cares?? I just went to a funeral today and life is way too short to worry about what others think... as long as the two of them are happy that is all that matters. I think life will be great for them as long as they have each other. It is 2008 - time to stop worrying about what others think and start accepting people for their differences.

Hi Bonnie I am currently engaged to a responsible, kind man with a good job who is of another race. We have been together almost 4 years and plan to make it offical in Sept 09. While there are challenges, those challenges are minnimal compared to being with a person who loves, respects and is my best friend. Because we are open and talk about everything, we talk about those challenges. Sadly most of the experiences we have encountered have been due to other peoples ignorance. I say if he treats your daughter well and they are able to talk through things openly then you should have no concerns and just be supportive of them. Help others to see that there is nothing "wrong" or "bad" about their relationship. I believe the way of the world is shifting (slowly) but it is happening, people are starting to finally realize we all bleed the same color, and frankly it is about time.

I hope I have assisted you and would be happy to discuss further if you have other questions. Take care.

I feel so sad for you. You really need to seek counseling because you have an underlying issue that you are trying to supress but you really need to talk about it. If your daughter doesn't have a problem with it you shouldn't either. We are all children of GOD and are equal. No race is better than another. The sooner this country get's past race and looks at the substance of a person the better off we will be. Kudo's to the new generation that can't see color.:-)

Hi,
I understand your concerns. I am whie my husband is black. I have never really had any problems with this. I think it is much more acceptable these days. If she is happy that is all that matters.

W.

Hello!
I know how you feel! But look at it this way-you want a man who will be good to your daughter. just because he is of the same race does not mean he will be a gentleman and aa "real man" for the family- lover,nuturer,protector and financial provider. Many men want the title of "Head Of Household" , but have not idea how to earn that title. Similiarities in upbringing and agreements in areas of childrearing, running a household and meeting financial challenges is what is improtant .

I'm sure at some point, if things get serious, there will be "obstacles" to overcome. But, right now, I would just be thankful that she found someone that you can respect and trust. Not everyone has that luxury with their children's significant others. Good luck!! I'm behind you!

Hi, Bonnie,
We've adopted 2 children of another race...once is mixed race (He looks Latino or black) and another son who is very dark. Your daughter and her boyfriend will have some issues to deal with, but alot depends on how they carry themselves. If they are confident and decide ahead of time, how they are going to handle prejudice they should do fine. Character is what matters to me. And lifestyle. I had a neice who quit dating a Nigerian man who was here going to Bible college, because her parents disapproved and he wouldn't do anything against her parent's wishes. Her next boyfriend was white, lacked character, used her and ended up a painful experience. The parents were thrilled that she was dating a white guy and ignored the red flags of other things. My hat is off to your daughter and this young man as they stand up for what they believe. I object to girls who date people of a different race to be rebellious and get treated badly and enter a lifestyle that's headed to destruction, but he sounds like a great young man. My son is the teenager that everybody wishes they had, yet he encounters parents all the time who don't want him dating their daughters because of race issues. They are missing a treasure. Because of adoption, there are many, many children of different races living with white parents. We've taught our son to respect parent's wishes at this age and stage of his life. The issues can be hard at times, but once you have a game plan for how you're going to handle it, it's an easier road. When I encounter prejudice, I have chosen to not react with anger, but to know that it is ignorance and differences of opinion. I've read in the Bible that God rewards us for doing what is right. I am absolutely certain that God has chosen my husband and I to be parents of these 2 wonderful young men, so He will reward the tough times we go through. I hardly notice prejudice anymore. I'm confident and loving and a peace maker. I applaud your daughter, but I understand why you as her mother want to save her from pain if you can. If he's the respectful young man of good character and lifestyle, he will enrich your daughter's life and yours.

Blessings,
S.

I say, if the guy has all the qualities you would want in a guy your daughter was dating if he were the same race, don't worry about it. I have 3 daughters and I hope they bring home men that are gainfully employeed, no criminal background, educated, respectful, loving, honest and hard working.

I see too many young men these days that mooch off the young ladies and don't want to work. It is pretty scary as a mom.

It will be an ongoing nightmare, especially after the children arrive. Discourage this relationship while it is new and fresh.
Cathy

Thanks, Bonnie, for asking this question and I appreciated reading the many responses.
We naturally bond with our parents at birth in a good family relationship and that is healthy. It is also healthy to have pride for your own people. But I am sad that some people have so much pride in their own people, that they still exclude others whether it is in dating or in voting or in socializing.
I am also one who believes that a common faith and value system are the most important (plus a strong financial base). Communicating and discussing cultural differences and similarities before you commit to a serious relationship and marriage is also very important. I think it is easier for couples of different races now, but there are still some challenges that have to be worked out. In my case, there is just sometimes awkwardness because people hesitate more to assume my husband & I are a couple because we are a different skin colors. As a mom, I still am concerned about who my daughters will date. Maybe I will share this reponse page with my daughters!

I believe if they care and love each other then they will be able to withstand the challenges that come from interracial dating. My sister married and hispanic man. She is black. The have the most loving relationship. I have one funny bother in law. they compliment each other very well. Yet we grew up with an close uncle who keep saying yall better not date outside your race and told his two sons if they ever dated a white girl he will disown them. Funny (good funny) thing is that both of his sons are dating white women and he considers them his daughters. we joke with him all the time about it. he said if he knew better then he would not have made those statements. People grow when faced with different situations. Remember its love that matters and personality and not race.