Help with 14 Years Olds Friend's Mom

My first husband was a fairly dark-skinned Middle Easterner, and I am a pale redhead. We drew many "looks" and a couple of comments over the years. Since I didn't feel I had done anything to be ashamed of, I would just give a sweet smile or a kind comment in return. People never knew what to do with that, so the subject would change. Sometimes they would blush.

In the future, if you hear someone say that "they believe" you shouldn't be married to this man, why not try smiling warmly and saying with enthusiasm, "Thank you for your opinion! I hear that you disagree with interracial marriage! And I obviously believe otherwise!" Be transparent and friendly; no ironic tone is necessary.

Watch what happens! And you daughter will be watching, too. I'll bet you can all smile about it later.

As for the woman who made the comment, that's done, so don't bring it up again unless she does. Let it go – it won't harm you unless you hang on to it.

I have been in a interracial marriage for 30 years.

My immediate thought was why did she find it necessary to tell your daughter her feelings on interracial marriage? Was this a discussion or just a venting for the Mom? How did your daughter react at the time and later on? Have you as a family talked about it?

The world's too big to associate with folks who fundamentally do not believe in the very essence of who you are.

We can't shield our children from people's feelings. Better the devil you know than the one you don't.

E.

Hi M.,
How sad that there are still so many ignorant people who don't realize what a hurtful thing that was to say to your daughter. My husband is Japanese, I am white and I also have 3 girls 17, 23 & 25. I remember a time when one of my girls was at school and they were studying Japan and when she said to the class that she was Japanese she experienced prejudism when some of the kids made fun of her. We raised our kids not to think they were any different. I offered to come to the class and teach the kids a bit more about our culture, we made Japanese food and all the kids got a pair of chopsticks and it was fun.
I have explained to my kids that some people say things that can be hurtful and it's because their mom or dad probably talked that way. If that happened to my daughter I would get to know the mom better, but if she continues to say things that are not appropriate I would talk to her myself.
Just to let you know I had that same thing happen to me a couple of weeks ago when I was talking to someone who was interested in working with me in my home based business. While we were getting to know each other, I had mentioned that my husband was Japanese and then a short time later she said she doesn't believe in mixed marriages. Since I have the option to work with people I choose to I chose not to work with her. That was empowering!
Have a great day
L.

Hi M.. Let me start by saying that you are all ready doing a great job, because most of us would have immediately gone off on that woman. You are doing the right thing by seeking advice, having a plan, and acting rationally on it.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but it's a whole nother story when you impress it on my teen. Wow! Are people really that ignorant? I'm shocked!

Ok, now that I'm done venting, I will tell that your best route is to speak with the mom when your girls are not around. Speak very level, but very firm, just like you do to your 3 & 4 year olds, b/c that's the mentality you're dealing with. The key is to say 2 nice things about her, and then an "I wish....". For example, "I have always appreciated our daughters friendship, you have a beautiful home. I wish you wouldn't express your opinions to my daughter, regarding interracial marriage". By doing so, you'll open her up to you a little more, and it won't immediately put her on the defense. After that, no matter what she says, you should just commit to leaving so that you don't end up engaging in an argument.

Next, you should speak to your kids. Like it or not, this element is out there and you should probably have a family meeting and talk to all of your older children about it. They will know that the most important thing is your love and that of your husbands. Who knows, maybe everyone will open up and you'll find out more issues and how to handle them from within your own group.

Best wishes in dealing with this. How great that you are married to the love of your life - many women (and especially those self-righteous ones) can't say the same. Live well and be happy.

ADDITIONAL NOTE AFTER READING OTHER RESPONSES: Are you ladies out there kidding me when you say to just not deal with this woman? We are Mothers! We are raising tomorrow's youth! Stand up for what's right and be counted, but most importantly, teach your daughters to, so that these issues will stop with the next generation.

M.,

Unfortunately not everyone likes or accepts inter racial marriage and relationships. Some were raised to be biased against it. I know this first hand My father wasn't a racist but he drilled it into my head that I was to marry and be in a relationship with my own race. I didn't dare date or have a relationship with another race as to not disrespect him. I believe very much that you love who you love no matter the color of their skin or sexual orientation. Inter racial relationships are stressful on both sides of the coin. there are white people that frown upon it and there are also black people that frown upon it. I don't think what your daughters friends mom said was meant to hurt you or your daughter. I know that sometimes we wish people had a sensor on themselves and would refrain from saying things like that. What you should do is just tell your daughter that not everyone agrees with inter racial relationships and its something that she is going to have to accept from them but in your eyes there is nothing wrong with it. Just explain to her that we are all people and we choose to love who we love. I would just make it positive for your daughter and don't worry about what others say. You could also explain to your daughter that if she says it again your daughter should tell her that what she said bothers her and please don't make comments like that around me. Give your daughter the power and knowledge to speak her mind intelligently on the matter when she is confronted by situations like this. Good luck.

Hey M.!

I'm in an interracial marriage, too, with a biracial daughter, so I can definitely empathize.

My questions would be:

Was your daughter upset? Crying, angry, etc.? A big part of my response would depend upon my daughter's response.

It's possible the woman's comments were more ignorant than racist - maybe she was just commenting in general that interracial marriages are more difficult or that she thinks biracial kids turn out messed up. You and I know that's not true, but a lot of people out there think it is. Those kind of comments are usually not racist, but rather just ignorant.

On the other hand, did the mom say the comment in a spiteful, superior, self-righteous way? Have there been other comments that were borderline racist and this one proved what you and your daughter suspected all along? Does your daughter feel uncomfortable being around this woman?

If you can answer yes to the above questions, I would say something to the mother or coach my daughter to speak up about it to the mother (if your daughter is willing).

This is a sensitive topic and it could cause a rift between your daughter and her friend, no matter how diplomatically the topic was brought up. Before you do anything, you should discuss this possibility with your daughter.

But, if your daughter is really upset by this and you know this woman was coming from a racist place, it would help your daughter see how to handle such situations in the future - there is a time to be quiet and a time to speak up and say, "that's unacceptable."

On the other hand, if your daughter doesn't seem upset about it and this woman has never given you or her any reason to think she was racist or unaccepting of you and your family, I would probably not say anything to the mom and would use it, instead, as a learning opportunity for the whole family.

Best of luck with this. You sound like you've got a great family! M.

She probably shouldn't have said that, but you can use this as an opportunity to teach your child that everyone has different beliefs and values, and that despite our differences we can all coexist.

If the mother was adamantly against biracial marriages she probably wouldn't let her child befriend the product of one. She's entitled to her opinion, she maybe could have worded it differently but it doesn't mean that she doesn't like you or your family. I have plenty of friends who make decisions I don't necessarily agree with or that I'd make for myself, but that's just that! They're still my friends and I don't judge them for how they choose to live their lives.

You could tell your daughter that there are people who don't "believe in" interracial relationships, gay marriage, gun control, religion, etc. But what matters most is what she and her family believe!

That is absolutely horrible! I personally, would make sure to host as many activities at home. I understand that my children have friends with awful parents. I always try to help them avoid future problems(nasty comments etc.) by either hosting or setting up activities away from that particular parents home. I wouldn't say anything to the woman, cut your losses. Comments like that can really effect a child's self esteem, especially a teenager! If the horrible woman doesn't approve of inter racial marriages, how can she approve of or, even tolerate your offspring? I am so sorry that there are people out there like that. Good luck!

Oh my. Honestly, I would love to call that woman for you! I think it's great that you are asking advise but my first thought was how did you compose yourself enough to come and sit and write this without going straight to her first? You are a better woman than I am! Hug your daughter again. You guys aren't the ones with the problem! I feel bad for her friend....

Wow. I can't believe she would say that especially since she knows who your daughters parent's are. But, since you (like me) are in an interracial marriage, I'm sure you know a lot of people have opinions. I also think that's fine as long as they keep them to themselves. I don't know what you should do, since she didn't say it to you, but to your daughter. You should definately give your daughter some advice on how to respond to that in the future and let her know what a backwards point of view that is. What kind of person would tell your child they don't approve of your marriage? Very strange. Good luck!

I would not be concerned with talking to your friend's mom. I would let her opinions be hers. You can not change what is in another person's mind (be they right or wrong). After reading some of the responses I just don't think you should waste your time telling your friend's mom anything, no matter how nicely you try to say it. You risk ruining your daughter's relationship. That relationship should be left alone.

Rather, I'd talk to your daughter about how she feels about that statement and how you feel about it, I would even make it a family discussion, because she is going to run into it again. Then let your daughter to think about the issue and bring it up as she needs to.

We are not yet living in the world as it should be. You can give your daughter the mindset to survive in a difficult world. Then she can make it a better place.

Blessings! W.

I'm assuming that as he's your high school sweatheart, than he's her father and your daughter is of mixed race? If so, this makes it even worse. Her friend's mom is basically saying she doesn't approve of who she is on the most basic level. Whether he's the father or not, she is most certainly telling her she doesn't approve of her family...only the largest part of her life that shapes who she is as a person.

Since your daughter is older, have you sat down and spoken about the realistic struggle with other people's ignorance? Maybe sit down and talk about what to do together. You want her to be proud of where she comes from and stand up for her beliefs, but you want her to respect her "elders" as well. Let her have a part in deciding how to handle the situation - whether it's having her talk with her friend about how it bothered her or you speaking with the friends parent, you guys need to be on the same page and respect each other's feelings on a very hard subject.

Good luck.

Hello M. - I read everyones responses, and while I agree that you need to talk to your daughter, I am surprised that no one wants to talk to the mother. I would be ALL OVER HER!!
I too am married to a man of different race (I am white and he is Mexican) and I have two children that are 1/2 and 1/2. I am appalled (spelling?) that a mother would EVER say anything like that, especially since you say that you like her family, so I am assuming that she knows your family as well. I would ask her about it. "My daughter came home and was concerned/offended/pissed off...about a comment made about you not believing in inter-racial marriages? Did you really say that to my kid?" I don't understand why people are saying it's not something you would want to talk to the mom about. It ABSOLUTELY is something I would talk to her about.
When I was young, about 8, my mom went and had one of my brother's (I got 4!), so I stayed with a family friend. My family was VERY religious. I went to a baptism with this family friend at her church, they were of a different religion than my family. When we got home the mother asked me how I liked the service, I said it was fine. SHe asked me if I had been baptised, I said yes. She said that in my religion the baptism doesn't count, I was just dunked in water, and that if I truly wanted to be saved I had to be baptised in HER church. THIS WAS THE MOTHER. I cried myself to sleep thinking I was a heathen. Talked to my parents about it, doubted my religion, and in my teens stopped going to church because I doubted that I was in the right religion. I really put a lot of blame on that mother. And I KNOW my mama went over there and talked to her. I know I was a little younger than your daughter, but comments like that will stick with her forever.
I don't see the point in letting my kid hang out at someone's house who is OBVIOUSLY a racist. YOu can try to say it was her upbringing, you can say it's ignorance, but what it truly is is Racism and stupidity...why would you want to let your daughter hang out at her house? There are a million people that you guys can easily be friends with, it seems like a waste of time to try and make someone agree with your choice of who you love. I just don't have the energy.
That being said. I would talk to the mother, and let her know that your daughter will not be going to her home anymore since she is uncomfortable knowing that she is in a racist home. That you hope that her daughter does not learn that from her, and that she is a lovely young woman who is always welcome in your home. Then turn, and leave. There is no explanation in my mind that makes it okay to say something like that. And I absolutely wouldn't worry about offending her....so WHAT!

that mother had no right at all talking to your daughter about your marriage. Racial or not, it was not right. She should keep her trap shut, or go straight to you about how she feels. It all is about how people need to mind their own business.

Good luck,

C.

Hi M.,
This is a tough situation, but I would invite you to think of it as an opportunity for learning. Since you and your daughter both like her friend, and to this point have liked her family, I would use this experience to show you daughter that this mom's beliefs have nothing to do with your daughter.

This "belief" that this mom shared is HER story --- not yours or your family's. One of the greatest things you can teach your children is to not take anything personally.

You and your family know that your marriage is loving and strong and that you have created a beautiful, loving, accepting, compassionate family. This is the truth. This is what you all bring to this world every day simply by living who you are. We are all created by the same God. The differences in each of us are what makes our world and our relationships rich and interesting--- these differences are to be celebrated!

Just keep loving your daughter and helping her to stand strong in what she knows to be true. Others opinions are just that -- opinions. Teach her not to take them personally. If her friend's mom says anything else, I would encourage your daughter to share her experience of being part of an amazing loving family --- a family that doesn't judge people based on the outside -- but understands that the real value of a person is based on what's inside. And a family that celebrates the beauty of each person just as they are --- God creates each of us exactly how we are supposed to be.

If this mom makes any more comments, let your daughter know it's okay to tell her friend's mom that she doesn't want to hear these comments.

Congratulations on a loving, strong marriage to the love of your life!! What a beautiful legacy for your children-- a legacy of love.

I am married to an Asian Indian and I am white. We met in college and one of my college professors was very vocal about disapproving of interracial marriages. I figured that that was his problem, and no amount of talking would change his beliefs. However, since your daughter is involved, that's a different matter. If you feel comfortable enough with the mom, you could approach her in a very nice, noncombative way and say something like, "I heard about your disapproval of interracial marriages. I'm not here to change your mind, but I would appreciate it if you would keep your opinions to yourself. Our daughters are close friends, and I really enjoy your family. I would hate to have those relationships strained because of a difference of opinion." Of course, you'd have to come up with the words that you are most comfortable with. If you don't feel good about approaching her, I would definitely talk to your daughter. She is bound to meet up with prejudice and racism and as long as there is open and honest communication about why the color of skin is NOT important, I think she will do fine. AND, you will have done your part to make the world a better place for everyone! :)

I agree with most of the other responses. It's a good opportunity for you to speak with your daughter about what happened. Explain that people have varying opinions and let her know where you stand. If your daughter and you talk about this stuff easily, you might also try and ask some questions to find out the context of the statement as it does some to be a weird thing for another mom to bring up to your kid.

This will not be the last time your daughter hears something like this, unfortunately. Your family has the opportunity to show ignorant people like this that - by your wonderful example - you are good people living a good life and there is nothing wrong with it. Let's hope her eyes get opened by simply knowing your family. Like many other comments, talking within your own family couldn't hurt the cause. Your older children most likely have experience with these type of comments already. Maybe they have something useful to offer. Best wishes to you and your family!

Hi M.,

I'm very sorry you've been put in this horrible situation but I must tell you that, for me, this would be a deal breaker. Your daughter is very young, if this woman has the gall to say something like that to her now - and right in front of you - where does it end as your daughter gets older...and to me that certainly is an "in your face" show of disrespect for who you are and the choices that you've made for your life. There is nothing wrong with inter-racial marriage. No one is 100% anything these days and that kind of racist statement is not something you want your child to have to deal with at such a young age. If it were me, that friendship would be over and I would confront her and tell her exactly why.

I am technically inter-racial, but you'd never be able to tell. My mother is Panamanian and my father from Sweden. I look Swedish, my sister looks Mexican or Panamanian. I realize that most people quantify inter-racial as black and white, but it's more than that...and it is extremely rare to find anyone who is 100%, say, Norwegian...in American today. Your friend has a screw loose and I bet if she dug into her family history, she'd find that she's not 100% anything herself. She's extremely ignorant and your daughter will face enough of that type of ignorance once school starts. She doesn't need to deal with it now. Although, the good news is that, as a mother of four myself, I have found that schools are very balanced now-a-days with inter-racial children and I think it's a wonderful picture of community and God's beauty in human life.

Good Luck & God bless,

D. P.
Mother of four, ranging in age from 5-20.

Wow!I guess it depends on how much you actually value the friendship,and what you intuitively feel was the Mom's intent behind that statement.Does she not realize that she was saying that to a 14 year old child from an inter-racial marriage?
Not only is a statement like that completely inappropriate,but it has the potential to be hurtful and possibly damaging to your daughter.
How does your daughter feel about it?It could be a great opportunity to initiate a conversation about racism and people's prejudices,if you haven't already had that conversation with your child,children....
I guess it depends on if it is worth it to you to bring it up to the Mother to perhaps get a better sense of her motivation for saying that to your daughter.Maybe you can enlighten the Mother to her limited view,or maybe it's not worth the bother.
Either way,good luck!
K. Scott

Dear M.:

First let me say that I am sorry on the behalf of this woman whom is stuck in her ignorance. One that she believes this and two that she decided it was ok to share this with your daughter. I too have a biracial daughter and have encountered some racism. What I did with her was to ask her how it felt to her and what she thinks is a good response. Of course, they do not always have the correct answer so you may have to guide her in that, but what this does is empower her to feel good about who she is and the relationship that brought her into this world, while recognizing there will be people who need to be taught. If this were me, I would take this opportunity to teach the other mother that she should not be sharing her ignorance and racism with your children. She may not even realize this is racism, so you can enlighten her on that point and the fact that these views should not be shared with a child, just like other personal beliefs, such as religion and politics. I applaud you in your caring of wanting to handle this the correct way and not through anger, which never helps the situation. Best of luck to you and yours.

D.

Hi M.

Wow, that's tough! I'd love to know how your daughter responded. I'm assuming the other family knows that yours is an interracial marriage. If you 14 yr is mature, I would focus my time with her and how she can best respond to those types of situations. She is approaching adulthood and our times for intervening are decreasing (I have a 13 yr old and trying to navigate this too). The other mother must be extremely insecure/passive-aggressive to have that conversation with your daughter instead of you. Unless she is so ignorant that she thought it was her duty to spread her news to your daughter. I suspect if I were in your situation, I'd wait for something to come up with the other mom and bring it up if appropriate. More than likely you're not going to change her mind with your words, only by demonstrating the powerful love of your family. Good luck!

M.,
I feel horrible for you!! So I quess in reading your posting, my 1st question is: Why would she tell your child this? and What possibly is she trying to accomplish thru her statement. I do believe everyone is entitled to their opinion, however she is not thinking. Think of this: the emotional damage it could cause you child. The conflict it could cause in you child's friendship with her chum, and most of all....the judging that is taking place in a situation this women truly knows nothing about. I believe when people become judgmental of a situation/people they need to be further educated!! Our lives and the freedom we all so desire...has nothing to do with the color of skin. Not sure what I would do or say, tricky situation. But the honest, up front person I am....I perhaps would call and ask her to coffee or something. Educate her on your relationship...not that it is any of her business, but perhaps understanding the strength in you family,relationship,marriage. A solid family is the foundation to everything. She may open her eyes.

Well, your daughter is big enough to understand that different families has different values based on peoples different believes, culture and etc. As long as your daughter is treated there with respect don't tell her friend's mom anything. You will just open a gap for another confrontation. You can't change the world to comfort your child, you need to change your child to be comfortable in this world. It sounds like you are having a wonderful family, use it as a sample to show your daughter that despite what her friend's mom things, this type of marriage can really work as long as there is love in the family. Give her confidence so she can feel confident and proud being a part of this family and even give her a ready phrase how to answer comments like that. For example: "Yes, our family is a little bit different but I think it is wonderful that we all come in different colors, shapes, cultures and etc." It is not the skin color that makes us good or bad people. Just get her ready for comments like that. I'm sure that won't be the last time she will hear things like that. You can talk about that openly at dinner time, so the other kids will hear it too. You need to be ready, too. Recently I was in a similar situation and I had to refuse any more play-dates with a little girl that comes from a mixed family. I made my-self clear that it wasn't her skin that bothers me, it was her behaviour - the lack of adult respect, her aggression towards my son and all the broken toys and the mess she left behind, not to mention that when I step in for some order and discipline, she called me names. Good luck!

I am not from an inter-racial marriage, but if my daughter's friend's mother said something like that to my daughter, about whatever, I first would talk to my daughter and then I would, in a non-judgemental or attacking way speak to the mother. I would explain that although our beliefs and ways are different than yours and that she has a right to her opinion, it is not fair to judge your marriage especially in front of your daughter. The relationship is between the two girls, not the mother and your daughter, so it should be kept that way. I really hope that it was a mis-understood conversation and the mother isn't truely that naive about love.

How long have you been married? How's it going for you? I don't think you have to say anything, but it sounds like you two have more than beat the odds. If it comes up with the friend's mom, simply state the facts: This is how long we have been married. It's been wonderful... or, whatever happens to be true. Like I said, you have beat the odds, and I mean in any marriage, race not considered. Even if you don't talk to the mom, next time your daughter brings it up, just ask her to look at you and your husband. Ask her what she thinks and leave it at that. She will think through it and see that her friend's mom is just ignorant.
You may also consider having your daughter and her friends hang out at your place. Just a thought.

Hello M.,

My question to the other mother would be "why are you bothering my daughter with that question?" M., there is no reason for that mother to be making that comment. This is america and in the world that we live in, there are many interracial relationships. Seattle is a pot of many different minorities. Unfortunately a lot of caucasions here in this state can be quite ignorant, but that happens in every race believe it or not. Anyway, this could be a good thing that your daughter does know what the "mother's" true feelings are. All she did was get them out in the open to let your whole family sort of know how she feels.

I would confront her, question her. This is all about the safety of your daughter. So I would make a call to her to see if she would like to get some coffee at Starbucks or Tully's, or somewhere you 2 can agree upon and have a candid conversation. Be truthful with her, don't hold anything back. Maybe you should ask her "can I trust my daughter around your family?" I'm a minority and have understanding here. As we all know, we cannot live day to day on emotions.

Could be a safety issue here too.
Take Care. I hope everything works out for you and your daughter!
M.

I am so sorry you had to hear such a mean, hateful comment. If the mother knows that you are interratially married, than her comment was probably directed specifically towards you. You did not mention how she reacted, so I am supposing that she did not say anything. That would be my recommendation as well. The Mom does not appear to be asking for input, just assuming that you want hers. If these comments continue, I would absolutely address it. I would also address this with your daughter, if you have not already done so. Her friend may very well be receiving pressure from her Mom to form an opinion of your family that is negative and judgemental. I wonder why the Mom is feeling compelled to say such things? Some people were simply raised with racial biases and have formed opinions thusly. Others have formed opinions based on their religious beliefs. As a christian myself, I am offended when I see/hear others quoting scripture out of context to justify this condescending attitude. (The Bible says that Moses was married to a dark-skinned woman and that when Moses'sister had a hateful attitude about it, God gave her leprosy. If the Mom starts quoting scriptures to you, you might mention this...) If the Mom continues these comments, I think you should level with her. Maybe tell her that her comments feel like a personal attack, and that you are confused as to why she feels that your marriage is a problem in HER life. If you say this is a way that is calm and genuinely baffled, (which I know is excruciating in the light of such rudeness,) perhaps it will disarm her somewhat. I pray that this goes well and does not affect your daughter's friendship. Blessings to you and yours! :)

Oh how hurtful and sad ( I will carefully delete my desire to scream about such nonsense --screaming won't help). I am sure you have- but it is certainly an opportunity for you to draw out your daughters response to this womans' ignorance. ''What did YOU want to say to her?''''' '''''' "" do some of your friends at school say stuff like that?"" --

You and your husband will probably want to map out your family response and then share it with her -perhaps the older siblings can lend a hand.

Blessings
Old Mom
aka J.

confront her and tell that is unacceptable and a racial thing to say and if she feels that way what other things will she tell your daughter to make her feel uncomfortable about who she is i would rethink letting your daughter hang out around there that is so upsetting good luck

M.,

I would take that mother aside and tell her 1) you are in a biracical marriage, and 2) her comment was out of line to say to your daughter. I'm not the best at tact and diplomacy, but this needs some attention like last week.

Melissa

Perhaps you can just explain to your daughter that sometimes nice people say awkward things without even thinking about it. Sometimes they don't understand what they're saying and other times it just comes out wrong. Other times, they are being intentionally hurtful and we have to sort of filter to try to find the purpose or heart behind what they're saying. If someone says "I don't normally believe in inter-racial marriage" perhaps they should be saying behind that - but your family is changing my opinion on that. Or, she meant to say, I think it is harder for people in inter-racial marriages. People are often afraid of what they don't know and understand and the more we can show that that families come in all shapes, sizes and race combinations now - the more they will "get it" and stop making these huge broad assumptions. Best of luck to you!
K.

PS - If Mom is a big meanie with a big mean mouth, I'd just try to keep my kid from playing at her house any more than necessary but still, explain that people are afraid of what they don't understand and let your daughter know she gets to choose if she wants to be around people who act this way (they're always out there).

I guess I would feel weird to associate with a person that felt that way about my mom & dad. How did your daughter feel? Does their daughter feel the same way? That would depend on how to handle the situation. Yes your daughter will encounter people with all sorts of opinions and she will have to learn how she feels comfortable dealing with it. If your daughter is uneasy after that comment, you might suggest they play or hang out at your home. You don't want to put your daughter in an unsafe environment. If she didn't feel threatened by the comment and it was done in an conversation and moved on, then I would just talk to your daughter about how that made her feel and ask what she thinks about that. Maybe she just feels that the woman is uneducated.
I guess you might talk to the mom if you feel upset and hurt and already have a relationship with her yourself.You could say: Is it true you don't approve of inter-racial marriages? You do know I'm married to a black man & my children are 1/2 black? I feel hurt that you said that to my daughter. If that ruins her friendship with the daughter than do you really want your daughter playing in an household she's not respected?

Hmm...what an inappropriate thing for that mother to say to your child. If I was in your situation, I would first talk to my daughter and see how she felt about the comment. She may be old enough to take a stand defending her family and she could politely say something to quiet the woman herself. If not, I would then quietly confront the other mother and ask that she not make comments like that in front of my daughter again. This can be done tactfully, but be prepared that it is very difficult to overcome other people's bigotry. Your daughter may have to prepare herself to move on to another friend. It's not fair for this woman to put a rift in your family life and to make your daughter feel ashamed of her parent's love. I hate to think what she is teaching her own children about tolerance and love of others. Best of luck!

I wouldn't say anything it may jeapordize your child's friendship. Now on the other hand if this mom continues to push the issue with your daughter, then I would say something along the lines of, you have your opinions about this, please keep them to yourself....etc.

Were you there, or did your daughter come home and tell you what she said? I ask because I think you might respond just a bit differently in each situation.
I would say, don't be offended, rather use to opportunity to show your daughter what diverse beliefs are out there, and as an opportunity to implant your beliefs into her growing philosophies. Have her ask the friends mom why she feels that inter-racial marriage is wrong. Then give your daughter your reasons for why you don't. Teaching our children to think for themselves based on the values we've shown them throughout our lives is precisely our job as parents!!
For example, I come from a Christian background, so was surprised to hear my mom tell me (as a teenager) that she didn't think interracial marriage was a good idea. Well, I basically called her racist, but then through further conversation realized that what she meant was that often one skin color has a different culture and religion than another, and she wanted me to marry a Christian, not someone who wasn't a believer. She said she'd be fine with me marrying a black Christian.
So my point is that sometimes we hear one thing when another thing was intended.

Whoa! I think it may come down to whether or not this woman knows about your inter-racial marriage. If she doesn't know, approaching her may give her the opportunity to learn more about the world and be less judgemental. ...to see a healthy, loving interacial marriage.
However, if you think she does know... then her statement to your daughter is rude and... I can't even find the word. That means she feels it is her duty and/or right to teach YOUR child something that she obviously feels about strongly. Even though I would WANT to approach her, it may result in one less friend for your daughter.
I think you should ask your daughter what you should do since it will ultimately affect her relationship with her friend. Discuss the woman's intentions and her tone of voice when she told your daughter this "opinion". Discuss whether or not your daughter is comfortable with associating with this woman and her ideas, so she can stay friends with the daugher. Discuss how your daughter feels about your inter-racial marriage. And discuss how, if your daughter, continues to stay friends with this girl, she may prevent the mother's inappropiate opinions from being passed down to her daughter.
Good luck.

I would definitely say something. You don't have to be angry about it, but what she said was wrong. Maybe you could start by telling her you don't appreciate what she said, that's her opinion, etc. Acknowledge her view, but also talk with your daughter about it. Ask your daughter how it made her feel, etc. Maybe they're not as great as you think they are.

Hi M.,

You sure got a lot of responses! I am slow in weighing in on this but I hope I can contribute.....I used to be in an interracial marriage, and though I no longer am, my two children are from that marriage.

Here's what I learned: don't be reactive. It is not your job to be the ambassador of race relations! Getting defensive will do absolutely no good except cause you to be angry. I found that sometimes when a person says they "don't believe in" interracial marriage they are really saying that they themselves are not strong enough to endure the scrutiny and sometimes disapproval of strangers. The way I looked at it, I was living my life to please me and my family, not complete strangers. If they didn't really "approve" that didn't concern me. I might not "approve" of certain things they did in their life or household but it's their life to live.

People are threatened by what they don't understand or what is unfamiliar to them. And depending on their exposure to members of other races, they also have some pretty wacky stereotypes. Lead by example and show that your family is like all other families--not perfect, but loving with day to day challenges like everyone else, just trying to do the best they can.

I'm white and my ex-husband was black and my kids are dark-skinned enough to look more black than mixed. Sometimes other kids were surprised to find out that my kids had a white mom. Once I took my son to a boy scout function where another kid blurted out "That can't be your mom--she's white!" I talked openly with my kids about such incidents and I can say with confidence that they were never traumatized as a result. When my son was in pre-school another little girl said loudly "your mom is white and your dad is black!" not accusatory or anything, it was just an obsevation and she was loud about it! I told my son later that it didn't really matter what color a person's parents were, what was more important was that they loved each other.

Personally, I would not confront the mom. I may have felt different when I was younger but I don't think it would do any good. I would just talk to your kids frankly about how some poeple are not open to dating and marriage between different groups. Look back historically and realize how it used to be a big deal to marry outside one's religion. The world changes slowly but it is changing for the better in the direction of tolerance with each new generation. Teach your kids to be kind, level-minded leaders not angry reactionaries and everyone will win. God Bless you and your family!

D. L

This other mom may not have had any ill intention or racially stirred agenda. She may have just felt comfortable talking about it with a diverse family- maybe for the first time. Different people have different opinions and that is okay. She may give your daughter and family credit for understanding that and knowing that she wasn't passing judgement on you for how you live. (You may be a foot in her door of understanding.) We all need to get along on this planet and we aren't all going to feel the same way about everything. That's okay. If anything, discuss with her the tact she lacked and help her understand how offended some people -that don't know her- may feel. Let her know how this may impact children's psyche as well. Your daughter is 14 and I am sure she has probably already moved on with the values that you have instilled in her.