Pulling at My Heart Strings

this is a tough situation. first off if you want child support... do it thru child support enforcement. dont depend on him to give it to you. i've gone thru this with my now 12 yr old son since he was 1 1/2yrs old. you could read the request i just put in about advice on adoption, and you can read what my son has been thru so this letter wont be as long. being without contact is sooo hurtful to the child. but i also think being in and out of thier life is more hurtful. it should either be in contact or out of contact. not in between. as far as his living arrangements... maybe for the first couple sundays ya'll could put differences aside and meet at a park or something so you can supervise and he can pay you the measly $50 then, that way your not waiting on a track record of payment. i cant really come up with any ideas to help. i just know how important it is for your daughter to see her father. if he's going to make a commitment to her, he needs to stick with it. i'v seen my son suffer so much. and you've already had to suffer enough just to get your daughter back it seems. i wish you all the luck in the world. and you are more than welcome to call my cell if you'd like to talk to someone thats been thru kindof the same thing. oh yeah let me tell you this though, my ex after we split up. moved his 16yr old girlfriend (he was 21)into his home, and i put that aside so my son could see his father. anyway, my cell is ###-###-####

S.,

I am so sorry you are going though this. I can't imagine the frustration and pain you are feeling. I am a step mother of a wonderful five year old that my husband and I see every other weekend, which I am so thankful for, because it wasn't always that way. When my husband and I first met, his son's mother freaked out and suddenly wouldn't let him see his son (he was three at the time). She had cheated on him and left him for the guy she's with now, who is a control freak and convinced her to keep my husband's son away from him (he also forced my step-son to start calling HIM 'dad' which has really caused some confusion for the kiddo). Anyway, she said that because she didn't know who I was and because my husband hadn't been paying 'steady' child support (he paid what he could when he could) she would withhold contact. When my husband was able to pay, she would change her mind at the last minute, resulting in more than one heart break during the holidays (including Christmas day). Once my husband received a promotion we were able to hire a lawyer and settle the child support issues as well as visitation issues. Throughout the whole ordeal my husband tried his best to stay calm and not do anything that would be harmful to his son in the long run (including making a huge issue over the 'dad' thing). As angry as he and I (especially me because I had no experience with this prior to meeting him) were we remembered that the most important person in the situation was the child. Because of this the relationship between my husband, his son's mother, and myself has greatly improved. Unfortunately, HER husband has yet to realize the importance of maintaining a healthy relationship with all parties involved--that it is imperative to not speak poorly of the other 'half of the family' to the child, and continues to cause problems (he is bent on being 'super dad' and still rejects the idea that my husband is actually the boy's father and we are as much a part of the family as he is). His actions have caused quite a bit of damage to my step-son's psyche, but we continue to try and remedy the situation.
I am telling you all of this because I want to offer you an opinion from the 'other side' of the battle. I am not by any means telling you to go hand off your daughter to her father, because he doesn't sound as if he is in a very safe environment at this time. I do believe, however, that the most important aspect of this entire situation is your daughter. She needs her father as she needs her mother. I've seen too many women who have been hurt by their child's father (I was actually working as a nanny for someone in this situation recently) and decide to use their child as revenge. I'm not saying that's what you're doing at all in this case, but it can easily happen without even realizing it.
Every situation is different, but I would strongly suggest supervised visitations. You should both meet at an agreed upon location and he can see his daughter there. I agree with your wariness of his living situation. And I can completely understand your worry regarding his partner. When my step-son's mother distrusted me, I was offended at first, but once I thought about it, I understood. To her, I was a complete stranger. When someone with a child dates or marries someone else, there is no list of references to give to the other parent to put their mind at ease. Once I realized that, I made an effort to get to know my step-son's mother better so she would feel more comfortable with me. Even though it was awkward because of what she had done to my husband, I put it behind me for the sake of the child. Perhaps once you are able to come to terms with things a little better, you can do the same.
There is no reason right now that the rest of the family be involved unless they choose to meet during the supervised visitations. I wouldn't meet at any of their residencies. Or his. I understand you wanting child support, but don't use that as a reason to keep your daughter from seeing her father. I know for a fact that the courts frown upon that. Keep an accurate record of how much he pays and when, as well as when you meet for visitation. This way when you decide to finally go to court to claim child support and settle the visitation/custody battle, you have written proof of what he's been doing and paying and that you've been letting him see his daughter.
Because his mother sounds kind of scary, I would be wary of letting her see your daughter, especially in private. Perhaps invite a friend along to the visitations in case something happens?

Sorry this is so long, I just feel strongly about this having been through it. There are a lot of books available both online and in the bookstores that may be able to help you, too. Just remember that your daughter has every right to see her father and have memories of him as she grows up just as you do. Use your best judgment concerning her safety because that is of the up most importance, but don't keep her from him--she needs to know who she is and that he loves her. My husband's father took off and wasn't involved in his life and he has suffered for it tremendously. Daddies are an important part of a child's life.

Best of luck to you and you'll be in my thoughts.

I say with all of the history you have--child support and visitation on his part should be something for the courts to decide. If he hasn't shown interest or wanted to pay anything until now, then let him go through the hoops he needs to if he wants any privileges. What did the courts say after the custody battle? Are you sole guardian? Is he supposed to be paying child support or has he given up parental rights?
Now with that said, I wouldn't keep your daughter completely away from him like you are using her as a tool-he IS her father, but do it with your comfort level and her safety in mind--if you are not comfortable with leaving her with him, meet him at a park or a neutral place where you can be there too...

S.,
Hi there, I had a similar situation with my sons, fathers family. Supervised visits! You stay with your daughter at there house, or they come to you. Do you have sole custody? If so you are in control. I did supervised visits with my son and his grandmother for about a year. First she would come to my house and I would do something else while they played and got to know one another. They I would go there, and watch tv while they played. Then I would drophim off and pick him up. Then eventually she would drop him off. And in the end he was spending every friday night over her house. I know your situaton is a litle different, but you are in control. Good Luck. ____@____.com

You are absolutely doing the right thing! Dont let anyone tell you otherwise. Yes, it hurts when your your daughter asks for her dad, but this will not be the last thing she asks you for, where she wont fully understand the reasons why until she has her own kids. From what you have written, her dad has made some poor decisions, but he hasnt learned from them nor is doing better. You need to be taking him to child support court, if he child support is not already court ordered. He will hate it, men do because that money they see just going out, they do not see where it goes and on top of all that, they are not the parent 24/7 like you are. Dont give him an inch, and dont let her stay at that house, it doesnt sound like a good place. Would you let your daughter,at 21, live in your home with another man whom she broke up his relationship with a child involved? Doubt it. He needs his own place, or she doesnt stay the nights with him. You are right. Dont think those deep gut feelings are wrong. Dont be one of those woman on Oprah saying "I had the guts feelings and I wish I had listened to them". Do it right the first time.

You do what you feel is best for your daughter. If he wants to see her, he can come to you or meet you in a park or other safe environment.

I had a terrible time when my husband left me for another woman. All of a sudden he was Mr. Dad when he wouldn't even help with the kids prior.

My Hubby pretty much left me for dead giving me very little money and would't even watch the kids so I could find work (he left me with no notice and I was a stay-at-home mom - at his request..)

For me, there was several concerns:
1. There is a history of molestation on his side of the family. His sister was molested at age 3 from an uncle on his dad's side, his mother by her brother who she still sees regularly, (there entire family seems warped to me.)

2.My husband's mothe: She has no regard for our rules and is married to a man whom I believe would be MOST LIKELY to harm my children (I have very strong feelings towards this man, and I have prayed over it.. the answer I received after many prayers was: "Be Strong in Your Convictions" - It took some conversations with others to figure out just what that meant, but for me, I believe it means, understand you can not control some situations, but if you are always PRESENT to protect your children, harm will not come.)

3. My husband was not going to play house with a woman he just met so he could seem like Mr. Dad and show off for her. It was never about the children, it was about him looking good for his new girlfriend.

So, if you've won custody, and there is NO COURT ORDER to allow him to see his child, then it is up to you. If he has a history of being absent, he may come and go in and out of her life and then you'll be left explaining why.

However, there is a plus side to all of this. It is something I came to realize after speaking with friends whose father's were absent in their lives: Eventually, everyone figures out who their father truly is. If he is absent, she will figure it out herself but, you can't be the one to point it out or she will resent you.

If the environment is unsafe, then it's unsafe. Period. End of discussion. That household does not seem stable. Why was he not fighting for custody? Why was his mother fighting?

$50/week is hardly money worth sacrificing saftey over.

If he truley wants to be a part of her life because he misses her, or wants to be part of her, he will meet you in safe environments such as parks, playgrounds, ect. If he has no custody, he has no custody or say. It's up to him to decide to agree to seeing her or not.

I would also reccomend you allow him the opportunity to pick the places as long as you know they are safe. This gives him some sense that you are trying to accomodate his wishes (even if you think he is undeserving).

Listen to your heart on this, but also be aware of your intuition. Your heart is love, your intuition keeps your children safe.

~J.

S., I don't envy the choices you have before you. Dads have every right to see their children just as much as Moms do. It sounds like he and his family have really put your through the ringer and that there is alot of hurt you suffer with. Please don't let hurt feelings or revenge play a part in your decision. That will only drag the bad stuff on. I think you are right, though, to ask him to stablish a track record first, if for no other reason than to show he has good intentions. If you feel him home environment is not stable, then by all means protect your child. But that doesn't mean cutting him off completely. Request him to have the child for short, supervised visits to begin with. If he really is focused on re-establishing a relationship, he will do what ever it takes. I personally have never found it appropriate for an unwed parent living with a boyfriend or girlfriend to have the child over-night and some states agree with me. If the child does not have a room of thier own and a true home environment, you really should just stick with day visits. Let him establish himself first. But do give him a chance to do so. Sometimes men don't always prove to be the fathers we thought they would, but if he's showing an interest, give him a chance. But in a controled environment.