Quality Time - Spokane,WA

Hi J.,
I use to be a military wife and now he's out of the navy and still works cruddy schedules. Last year I was working full time and he was working rotating shifts and so we didn't see eachother much. We've been married 11 years and we have gone thru all those "feeling like roommates" to "totally in love" to "being done" feelings. It's hard. We totally love eachother and are committed to making it work even though sometimes it seems impossible. But a few of the things that work for us (because we don't always have time for "date nights") is emails to eachother, cards, text messaging, me getting up to make him lunch or dinner when he get's home, talking on the phone on his way to or from something, one family vacation every 6 months whether it be camping or just to grandma and grandpa's so they can watch the kids for a night or to the coast for a day to walk on the beach and fly kites. It's so hard now adays to make it work, I don't know why it's any harder today than it was 30 years ago but it is. Just try to look at all the suggestions and see what works for you guys. Hang in there. You'll find in 10,20,30 years that it was worth it!
Many Blessings,
M.

i'm only going to second the advice given by Brandy. You have to decide what you really want and then make it happen.

I used to have a crazy-busy schedule, too. What I used to do when I started feeling lonely for some time with my hubby would be to set my alarm for the time my husband would get home. (3 a.m.) Then I'd get up and make him a meal and we'd sit together while he ate. It wasn't much, but he always appreciated my effort and I really liked being able to do something nice for him.

I'd sit down with your husband and take a look at your bills and finances. Find ways to cut expenses. Go on a strict budget. Get your kids involved with ideas to save money and avoid impulse purchases. Sell old DVD's you never use on e-bay or bigger stuff on craig's list. Then cut one work schedule from your work week. Earmark one or two of those days for just you and your husband...or at least nights, for some one on one. What a wonderful thing to teach your kids...that family is priority and that love is worth sacrificing things.

My husband's job keeps him busy and I am busy with the kids so it is always a challenge to come together just he and I. I can't imagine work, school, and kids. There will always be something vying for our family time. But I remind myself often, at the end of our lives we won't wish we had more stuff or had worked more. We will only wish we had more time with those we love.

Hi J.,
My husband and I are going through nearly the same thing - I work M-F full time, he works compressed work week (12-hour shifts 3-4 days a week) on nights. We have 2 1/2 yr. old triplets and very little family help. Our relationship has also turned into a roommate situation. BUT, and I can't tell you how hard it has been, we have decided to stick it out for the sake of our family. He is looking for a M-F job. It sounds like you guys are trying to accomplish a lot all at once - work, school, avoiding daycare...during our tough times, it helped me to think things through - was what we were doing really worth it? If you don't cut your work days down a bit to increase your family time, will you regret not having that time later? I realize how important and stressful finances can be but again, is it worth the time you are missing out on together? You can pay bills over time but you can't regain time that is already gone. To bring things into perspective, I sometimes think about what my kids or family would write in my obituary...those are the things that matter...take care, will be thinking of you.

I know its not an easy thing to do, but if you want more time with eachother than someone needs to change scheduals. If your jobs won't let you change, then get a new job. Your relationship is more important!! Good luck!!

Hi J.! Have you considered working at home? My husband and I did the same thing until we decided enough was enough! I found a part-time job at home which covers the bills that constantly
come in (!) and he is thrilled that I am taking care of our
son, now 6 months, and the house is in order and a hot meal on the table when he comes home. It was a bit of a sacrifice at
first because I made some really good money working outside our home, but in the long run, it was affecting our marriage and we were both miserable. If you are interested in hearing more about how to make the transition from working outside the home and working at home, you are welcome to contact me anytime!
Sarah ____@____.com

If you both feel you are growing apart then I would lose one of your 8 hour shifts. In the long run it will pay more then the shift does.

Hi J.,

Maybe the best I can say is to cut the bills where ever you can and take a day off to be with your husband on one of his days off. I don't know you to know how you are spending your money, but I know that many people do not spend there money as wisely as they could.
I stay home with our four children and my husband is a hard worker but we have never made a lot of money. Over our nine plus years of marriage, we have usually been able to find time for eachother. It was hard when he was working two jobs though.
There may be things you can cut out of your spending. Possibly things like, soda, chips, junk food, eating out, etc. For most people, there are ways to slim down the budget. Family time is worth way more than material luxeries.
Good luck!

I know how you feel. I work 12-hour nights 3 days a week; my husband works 3pm-12:30am M-F. Try to coordinate a day off together every week, or every other week. Make sure that day is free for you and your husband. It's easy to start scheduling all the errands and Drs apts. on that free day. Avoid that.The weekly date time is also good. Remember what is improtant to you.

It sounds to me like you need to try to be creative in finding time together. My husband and I make time to have a weekly "date" to keep the romance alive. Maybe you could make it a point to have lunch together sometime. I understand difficulty with finances, but your relationship is the most important, and let's face it, when the kids are grown and gone, all you have is each other. If you want to stay together and enjoy your time after kids, you probably have to make some sacrifices now. I don't mean to sound preachy, but I know how hard it can be just to find a few minutes alone with your sweetheart. Just remember that he is your best friend, and the most important thing in your life. Good luck!! I hope you can find some way to do some creative dating! Maybe have your 14 year old babysit for an hour while you surprise hubby with a picnic lunch or something.
Good Luck!!

Hi J.!
It doesn't sound like you could hang out with each other if you wanted to! But I understand the need for providing for your family. But something has got to go if you want to save your relationship. Maybe he takes a break from school? Can he get some grants/loans that can alleviate some of the finances so one of you can work less? Or even just the family sacrificing in different ways so that you don't have to work as much? Can you or your husband start looking for a new job that suits your lives better? Remember that there are resources offered such as WIC to help low income families, if one of you does work less. Making money is not worth losing your husband!

I worked from 7pm-7am (night shift) and he worked from 6:30am-4pm and we had an hour and a half to see each other by the time supper was cooked and I was getting ready for work. I worked 4 days on 3 off and then 3 on and 4 off. It was really hard on us and our relationship; we were living 2 different lives. We made the sacrifice-I quite my job. Having my family is much more important than anything that money can buy. We dont live fancy lives, we dont have a bunch of new stuff but our love is one of the strongest loves I have ever known. I stay at home with the kids (we have 2) while he works his butt off. I know that your situation is a lil different, but as long as you have the things you need who cares about all the material things. If you lose your best friend and your love then what do you have then?? My suggestion plain as day is--take off a shift. Spend some time with your love.

I don't want to sound too harsh when I say that marriage takes sacrifices. I know that money is tight, but try and schedule 1 day a month where neither of you will work (even if you have to call in sick!), get yourself a baby-sitter (or family is FREE), and spend some R&R time with your husband. It takes alot of effort and hard work, but I'm sure that it will be worth it in the end, because it will inevitably save your marriage! After 4+ years of marriage I still make it a neccesity to have a date night ALONE with my husband, even if it's once a month.

J.,

My heart goes out to you! It is tough. Your schedule is definitely not the stuff that fulfilling, lasting marriages are made of. If your family is your number one priority, it should definitely come first. You would be less stressed and have that much more time to spend with the kids and the hubby, which would make everyone happier all around. Second marriages are statistically more likely to fail than first marriages. It can seem hard, but it is well worth looking at the budget and trimming as needed to make more time in your life. It sounds like your marriage is already strained, and you sure don't want to put your kids through another breakup, or lose your best friend. When my hubby was in school and we were really poor, we did without a lot of things that people think are necessities today: we didn't have cell phones, or pay for any tv service, we rarely ate out, we checked out movies at the library (for free), we gave inexpensive or handmade gifts (our limit was $10, and our families were just fine with that). It is amazing how many expenses are cut just by not working outside the home: gas, clothing, extra taxes on that extra income, less eating out, etc. We still don't get tv service, and have pay-as-you-go cell phones that we are frugal with, and I still shop the grocery sales. We also don't have a car payment (just keep driving and maintaining our cars). We haven't yet bought a minivan or SUV, as we only have two kids and sure they would be handy, but we manage just fine. I also still carefully shop yardsales for my kids clothes and toys. Then when they get ruined, it's no biggie because it only cost a quarter or dollar or whatever. I'm just throwing ideas out there. It can be done and it is well worth it. Best of luck to you!

That sounds like my husband's and my first year of our marriage. I was finishing my last year at the university and working two jobs and he was working his first teaching job, which required after-school hours. We only ever got to see each other sleep. It pretty much sucked. What we had to do was take advantage of any time we got together, making sure we didn't fight about anything during that time. Work toward changing your schedules if possible so that you both have at least one same day off. It took us a full year to be able to do that, but it gave us hope and things have been wonderful since! Good luck!

You can try packing his lunches. A love note and piece of chocolate does wonders. Try finding ways to think about something to do for him; make his life easier, show him you are thinking of him. Then check your books to find some time together.e Even one date a month or grocery shoping together. good luck!

Hello J.,

Marriage takes work, especially when it is a blended one too. \''/

I've been in that boat. Right now, it's about keeping family together! You have to make the time to sit with hubby and communicate with one another about EVERYTHING!!!!....including your feelings. How else will he truly know how you feel (vice versa). Going to school is only temporary and will not last a life time. You have kids in the picture and you don't have time to waste cause the clock IS ticking. You have the opportunity to work really hard and look to advancing even your working skills (if needed). Kids are expensive and need things. Most importantly, they need their mom and dad. We had to make a lot of sacrifices and have learned from them. Life IS a learning experience!!!

So, keep on doing what you are doing. If you feel over worked, then you may need to adjust things regarding your work schedule, but you and the hubby need to communicate.....after all, you both are bringing in the money to support your kids. Marriage takes two, so.....communication and planning together is extremely important.

Okay. 3 kids and bills....prioritize. I really feel that you and the hubby need to get together soon for a date! I can't emphasize how important it really is to have a date. YES a date with your husband. How did you meet? (don't tell me).....how did you look when you 2 met? You really need to ask yourself those types of questions and get out on a date, just the two of you. NO kids allowed. You 2 need alone time. I always dress up for my hubby when I get the chance, which is most of the time. Sure he see's me with no makeup, but he also see's the real me too. Just be real with one another. I will tell you this much. Your hubby will disappoint you. There is no one on this earth that is perfect. My hubby and talk about the day we met and I love to do that because it feels like it happened yesterday. I've been with him for 17 years. It still feels like new. Sure we have our disagreements, but I am still crazy about him. Like I said....communicate fully with one another! The first few years will be a learning experience for you 2 as a couple, but really sit down and learn what he really likes, and let him know what your dreams are for the future. You can plan for things to happen in your life, but there are things that life will throw at you. With your husband at your side, you will grow through it all!

Take Care!

My husband and I worked opposite shifts from one another for years, up until my retirement. I worked days and he worked evenings. We traded vehicles with kids in the carseats at work. Yes, it limits the facetime you have with your husband, but we lived for weekends when all 5 of us were together, it truly was family time. This lasted for 16 years until I retired. At that time our kids were 16, 14 and 11. Our kids have had a parent available at all times, Dad or Mom could be at school for any and all events, no babysitters helped with the household finances, our kids could depend on anyone of us to help them. For me, it made going to work when they were ill a whole lot easier. I didn't have to take the time off, Dad was there to comfort them and Dad was working easier knowing things were under control at night. It has worked and worked well, but it is work. Your kids will need you for such a brief period of time in the 'big picture'. What you are giving them is priceless. Secret: Do your housework during the week, a little bit each evening so the weekends aren't used for all the 'honey do lists'.

My husband and I get a babysitter and go on a "date" once a week, almost no matter what. It makes a huge difference.

I'm sure this sounds extreme, but I can't help but wonder if you should seriously consider one of you quitting/changing jobs. I know it sounds financially unmanageable for many people, but I also know lots of couples who have made great sacrifices, financially, in order to make their family work. My sister, for example, quit working when she had a baby, even though her husband has continued in school for 10 years with almost zero income, three kids now, and one tiny house. They're crammed. It's hard. But no amount of space, cars, cell phones, internet access, clothes, stuff, etc is worth sacrificing a marriage. She's become really thrifty and practical - and quite happy. Just something you might seriously consider.

Good luck! I wish you the best.

Sometimes daycare is worth what you pay if it salvages your marraige! But at the price they charge, you might be working 8 hours a day just to pay your provider! Maybe you guys could sit down and look over the budget and try to downsize even more than you probably already have. I mean, if you stayed home with the little one, you would save on gas right? There's one. What about groceries? Also, another thing to consider is, are you shortchanging your kids by them always having a tired-just-got-off-work parent? Just a thought. I did this for a while and trust me, it's not worth it!!!!!! Find another way! Okay, my opinion light is off now. I really don't mean it to be offensive, please don't take it that way!

Yes, I've been there! About a year and a half ago, when my daughter was 2, my husband was commuting from Wenatchee to Ellensburg for school, so he was gone 7 hours a day to school and for the commute, then worked another 8 hours a day, so would sleep when he was home. It was the most horrible feeling! He has since stopped going to school, but I was in school until a couple weeks ago, and we were going through the same thing again. The only thing I can tell you is that, if he is in school, he will finish someday! If you can both hold onto that and know that the hardships of now will lead to a better future for your whole family and tough it out until then, that will hopefully be enough to keep things going for you! Good luck, because without day care, that's the only way you're ever going to get time. Could you possibly leave the kids with a grandparent and go on a date once a month or so? That seemed to be the only thing that kept us going at times. It's so hard, and I really feel for you! I wish you the best of luck! Let me know what happens if you find something that works!

Well after reading this I felt like i should respond. but the advise I personally have just didn't seem to be enough. I have modified what i do to see my husband more who works the second shift and gets home at midnight. I will just go to be when the baby doesn and then wake up for a few housr with my hunny. But I realised that may not be enough in your case. So I called my mother. She and my father were dealing with them same thing for a few years while we were kids. She told me that fist off talking is the key to making it thru this "season" as she calls it. She said be vigilent in finding any time that you have that overlaps, even if it is five minutes and use it to the fullest. She said that they used to take us to the Library to get a few books and they would sit and hold hands and talk while we looked for books. Another one was that while we were sleeping they would have someone come and sit atthe house for a few so they could drive to the beach and eat dollar menu items. All the while talking and remebering thos reasons they fell in love. She said you have to sometimes be reminded of those things becasue your hubby/best friend most likely has some annoying habits and when you are just passing ships in the night, you have a tendancy to notice thos things first. She said but any friend has those habits so just try and let that slide, and instead look in to his eyes and tell him you ove him and how awesome he is. She said also try and just let the laundry go for a little while, using that time to see him and then take it all to the laundry mat and spend more time toghether holding hands between switching the loads over. She said you don't have to spend extra money to have romance, romance is what you makeis, especiallyafter you have children. Just try and "steal time" for each other. we also took road trips alot too. They would talk and smooch in the front seat and my sister and i would just play road games and listen to our music, it was kind cool for us becasue we could od our own thing and so could they. I hope that this helps you out some.

J.~
My husband, of almost 17 years, and I have been living this situation from the day we met. And we are really happy! The business he is in requires him to work in the late afternoons and evenings - he often is not home until 1 or 2 in the morning. I work a normal shift of 7:30 - 4:00. We do much of our communication through email, text messaging and phone calls. And of course the brief moments when we trade off the kids or I roll over at night and realize he is home and in bed with me. How do we make it work? Well, we do have one day each week, Sunday, that we are both home (normally, he will sometimes have to work) and we make sure that we make the most of this day when the whole family is together. During the week, luckily his schedule is somewhat flexible. Two afternoons a week my 3 1/2 year goes to a daycare for about 3 hours, (it took a lot of searching but we found a place that is great and allows this minimal amount of time). This gives our son some "big boy" time with friends and time away from mom and dad. My husband goes into work early during this time and then comes home around 6:00 until 8:00 for dinner and a little family time before returning to work for the rest of the night. He will usually have one night off during the week. I still work during the day but we have that evening together. The rest of the days are brief hello's and good-bye's as we meet at my 10 year olds ballet class while he drops her off at class and gives me the little one before he heads to work. It is a crazy schedule, and it's a lot of back and forth driving on the days he goes in early and comes home for dinner but it's worth it to get those couple of hours of together time. I have several friends who just don't get how we can do it. I honestly don't know anything different - I don't how well we would do if were always home together: 0 ) Sometimes it is a pain but the upsides are great too. No daycare, except when we choose. One or the other of us was/is always at home with our kids and has been from the time they were born. Make sure once in awhile that you hire a sitter and go out together. Even if it's just for a hamburger and quick movie - that little bit of time really helps.

I know that others will think we are crazy and need to "give up" some things like my job or his, but it's working, and has been for over 17 years. My husband and I are happy. Our kids are happy and well adjusted. We have been able to make it work, and work well. Good Luck.

Ok, I know this will not sound that "nice" but I really don't think some of the advice about how to squeak out a few minutes here and there is a good idea. You need to proritize! What is really important to you and your husband! If you say your family then look at your life and see if your choices are putting the family first. Money is never an excuse for ignoring your spouse and not having family time because unfortunately when you get more money you will just spend it. My husband and I decided that I would stay home and we would cut cost down to basics and then add things as we could afford them. Basic means heat, lights, groceries (no fun stuff), rent/mortgage. Do you have cable? We don't and guess what we don't miss it at all!!! At first we were like normal "addicts" and thought we couldn't live without TV but now after three years we can afford it but don't want it. We have DVD's for the kids that are age appropriate and we Netflix new movies ($15-$16 and month). Plus, a lot of parents work too much and then buy their children "guilt presents" because they aren't with them. Your children will benefit more from having a family then from stuff. Having family dinners together and having parents that have a happy, healthy, loving relationship. Don't forget that they watch you to learn how to "do marriage", what are you teaching them. If you take an honest look at your finances and put your family first you will see many things you can cut from your spending. Just make a decision to try it for a few months. If you have cell phones and a home phone get rid of your home phone or if you have the fast internet switch to the $9.99 dial up (that's what I have and it keeps me from spending too much time on my computer.)
Like I said I know this isn't the happy "everthing will work out" response but since I've been there I know that there is no magic solution other then doing everything you can to put your family first. If you keep up on your current schedule you could lose everything that really matters.
Good luck!!!!!!!!

Dear J.,

My husband works an odd shift as well, and we only see each other M-F for about 2 hours in the morning. We have been married since January 1st and his shift is difficult. I am a 40 y/o mother of four, ranging in age from 5-20, and was a widow until we married. It is very difficult but we have made a point of making a date night, despite both of us being exhausted, at least once per week. We just compare our schedules and make a date. Our date time is sometimes spent at home, we put the kids to bed or see the older ones off and have special time alone together in our little sanctuary...our bedroom. We'll eat dinner in bed, watch a movie, have a drink...whatever we want, and talk out week through. My husband and I have known each other for over 24 years...since High School, so I know him very well and we just make sure that we make a night that is wholly ours once per week. Even if it doesn't fall at night, we make sure that we have a certain number of hours set aside for just us. Usually it's 3 hours per week. It's great if we get three hours straight, but we're both also very pleased with three hours spent together on three different days. If we can get out, we always to go the restaurant where we had our first date.

Good Luck & God Bless,

D. P.

You didn't mention how much longer your husband will be attending night school. If he's just started, then maybe he should consider quitting. Your relationsip is more important than anything else. It is the glue that binds your family together.

My husband and I work opposite, but I have the luxury of being able to work out of my home. But there were a couple of years (first 2 years of marriage) where I felt like we were still dating, because of how little we saw each other.

Also, see if you can plan lunches together. Get a babysitter so you can take an hour off, even if it's not at your standard "date time". My husband and I have lunches instead of dinners together, becasue I teach in the evenings, and he is off during the weekdays (I'm off during the weekends).

Steal little snatches of time anywhere you can get it in your day. Maybe you have to have breakfast together instead of dinner. Be creative - but you HAVE to spend time together, because a lot of marriages in this situation do not last becuase of the lack of relationship problem, however with love everything can work.

My husband worked nights until just a few weeks ago. We scheduled a little time together every day, as much as possible. I would climb back into bed with him, just to cuddle for a few minutes, or rub his back. We would try to do this in the morning and at night whenever we could, but sometimes it didn't happen. I tried to have a minute or two to fill him in on household news, then take a minute to tell him how much I love him and am grateful to be his wife. We would pray together when we had the time. It's tough... I know. Another thing you might consider is calling DSHS to see if you qualify for state assistance for child care. I don't know what your income level is like, but you might be surprised to find that you qualify. Don't feel guilty for using this if you do, it sounds like you are burning your candle at both ends. You sound like a very loving, hard-working Mama. Blessings to you and your family!