Rational Thinking Please...

I had the same problem when I had my baby! My son was 2 1/2 when she was born and I didn't know what to do!! I had everyone tell me to let him stay with them and they would bring him home in a couple of days!! I couldn't do that. I had my sister bring him to the hospital while I was in labor and see me! And as soon as she was born he was brought back in to see his new sister! Everyone wanted to take him home that night but I let him stay at the hospital with my husbad and I. When we came home I included him in everything I could so he wouldn't feel left out! He would get diapers, wipes, ect. He helped at bath time. He even would try to help feed her!!

I think as long as you try to include her in everything she will do better than if you send her away as soon as the baby gets here!! I waited almost a month before I would let anyone take my son. That way he knew the baby was here to stay and would still be here when he got home!! I wish you luck and hope this helps!!

Would grandma be willing to come to you? That's what we did. It was a huge help. My boys are 14 mos appart. It gave my oldest time to adjust to the new baby and also gave him someone who was there primarily for him. My mom focused most of her time and attention on Jarrett which made him feel special and left me free to care for Dane (the baby). She was also able to take Dane every now and then so I could have one on one time with Jarrett.

IF it were me I would have her stay for awhile. Have her help you ie bring you diapers. Play up the big sister card and then once you get settled with both of them tell her since you have been a great big sis you get to go stay w/ grandma and since lil sis(baby) isn't able to bring her own diapers she has to stay with mom and be bored. Make it sound like going to grandma's is a huge priviledge and Oh SO FUN! How far is grandma from you? That is another thing. I hope this helps.

A.,
I think either decisions will be hard physically and emotionally on you and your 2.5 year old.
If you send her away you are going to think of her and your daughter is going to miss you. But remeber she is just a child she will forget in couple of days and you would get some time to take care of you and your new baby.
First couple of months are the hardest and the best for the entire family.
If possible get help for a month for laundry, cleaning and cooking. If possible your mom or mil can come every morning and leave later in the evening for few weeks so you can spend some time with your 2.5 year old while taking some rest.
Everybody is different so go with your gutt feeling.

i think that having someone come into your house to help would be more beneficial to your daughter than sending her away, which will only cause her to resent the new one. it would probably be a lot easier to have her out of the house, but the relationship between the two kids needs to start on a positive note. anyone who tells you that you are stupid doesn't need to be around your kids anyway, they will only influence them negatively, and your thoughts are correct, the damage that could be done to your daughter's mental health is real. talk to your daughters grandma and see if she is willing to stay at your house (if you think you can tolerate it) and tell her that this will be more helpful, because she can help with both children. if she is unwilling or unable, having a friend come stay will really make life easier,but whatever you do, don't send the little one away, she'll wonder what she did wrong and why mommy is replacing her.

I personally WOULD NOT send my 2 1/2 yr old away when the new baby comes. When the baby is born she should be at the hospital. And when the baby goes home big sis should be there too. It is a transition for the whole family. If big sis is going to stay with grandma it should only be for the night that mom is staying in the hospital. You are not stupid for wanting your oldest to be a part of this great transition. Sometimes grandparents don't always have the best advice although they have good intentions. I would put my foot down and say that she is staying home with me. You'd be surprised at just how much help that she can be with the new baby. She is old enough to get the diapers, wipes, pacifiers.........and so on. Good luck. I have four kids and not once did I ever send a sibling off when the others were born. It was a wonderful family time. I'm not saying it wasn't trying at times, but my other children have always been able to bond from the beginning with their siblings. I assure you that if you involve your oldest, she will be in love with her sister. God bless.

Hi A.,

I totally understand where you're coming from! I have a 17 month old and a 2.5 month old, and I was worried about the transition, too.

Because I work and have to return to work after my FMLA time is over, I kept my older son in day care so as not to disrupt his routine too much. It was hard getting up every morning to take him at first, but having my mom here to help out was wonderful.

Do you have the option of bringing someone into your home for a few weeks until the baby is a little older? This way, your daughter can have you and the new baby there, but you won't have to care for both of them by yourself, and she'll have someone's undivided attention while you tend to the baby.

She also will be less likely to feel misplaced or replaced if she's excited about the baby's arrival and her role as big sister. I would encourage you to celebrate it now by letting her help you wash and put away clothes, let her buy a gift for the baby etc. Even my son at 13 months could pat my tummy when I asked him where his baby brother was!

You may want to read another message I posted explaining how I got my son ready for his little brother. He now thinks the world of him! Does he ever get jealous? Of course, so I make sure to spend at least 1/2 hour of quality time with him alone every day.

With the proper preparation, I suspect your daughter will LOVE the idea of having a new baby, and I bet she'll be quite the "little mama" before it's all over with!

Best wishes and congratulations!

hi! i have a 3 yr old girl and a 1 yr old girl! when my baby was 10 days old my parents came to visit for about 1 1/2 wks then took my older daughter back with them to CA and kept her for 2 weeks unitl my in-laws drove out here and brought her back. it was wonderful to have those 2 weeks to bond with my new daughter and not have to chase after an active 2 yr old! and my older daughter did just fine! i involved her from about the 5th month of my pregnancy in buying baby things and talking to the baby and kissing my tummy. she was very excited when the new baby came and had a blast spending time with her grandparents alone! just make sure when your daughter comes back from her grandma's house, you spend lots of one-on-one time with her and involve her as much as possible in caring for the new baby. let her play with the baby and hold her (with help of course) and even feed her if you use bottles. buy her some books about being a big sister too, those helped my daughter. good luck and congrats! (BTW my daughters are great friends now and play together all the time!)

IMHO, I would not send her away as soon as the baby is born. I think this would make her feel replaced/abandoned. My son was 2.5 when his brother was born and he did just fine! We made sure to make his baby brother "his" baby and just kept reinforcing what a good big brother he is!! He helped get diapers, "hold" the bottle, get clean socks, etc... We included him in as much as possible and I don't think my oldest ever had feelings of jealousy. Whenever visitors came we made sure to pay just as much attention to him as we did to the baby. My boys are now 5 and almost 3 and my oldest still "takes care" of his brother and is very protective of him. Yes, they fight and do their brotherly stuff, but when they are in Sunday School or somewhere else together and I am not there, my oldest makes sure to take good care of his brother.

I think a trip to Grandma's is great, but I would wait several months just to make sure your oldest daughter thinks the trip is a vacation and not a punishment.

Good Luck!!!

With my youngest had a repeat C section. My grand mom is retired and loved the idea of having older boy with her. He stayed like a week....( hospital stay is four days?) this gave dad time to get things in order, to relax. As for me piece of mind grand mom is great with Morgan and no your not crazy for thinking that. However I was ok after a few days at home just you might need help with a few things like lifting and bathing 2yr old.

Being a new mom is hard enough without having a child at home already. But I think that you should try to find someone to come stay with you and not send your daughter anywhere. She is going to have a hard transition and either way you look at it, there will be a form of sibling rivarly. Why not include her from the beginning. You may actually be able to get her to help you get bottles or diapers or something small. Make her feel a part of it. If you send her away, she could resent your new baby.

Ask your daughter. Tell her the new baby will cry and stink for a little while <g> before she's ready to play with her big sister, and ask her when she'd rather go.

A.,
I'm sorry that you were called stupid.

I have 3 kids (all girls)...all approximately 3 years apart. I would never have considered sending one of the girls away HOWEVER everyone is different. But surprisingly it was not that hard.

The girls were great little helpers & they loved being with their sisters.

To give you an idea of what I went through...my oldest was 3 & my middle baby was only about 2 -3 weeks old.
- My 3 year old got the chicken pox.
- We lived in a small house with no central air.
- 1 window unit in the master bedroom.
The doctor said to keep the 3 year old cool so she didn't itch very much & not to worry too much about the baby as she obtained my immune system & thankfully I had already had the chicken pox.

The girls & I stayed in the bedroom for 2 weeks. Leaving only to eat & go potty. It was fun. We all bonded & became creative in passing time.

I can only give you my opinion & what ever you decide is what is best for you. But bringing a new baby home is a tremendous time of celebration for the entire family. It is a time for everyone to be fascinated with all the beauty of a new baby and to adjust to the change in routine. I wouldn't want any of my family to miss out on any time with the wodnerful blessing that God has given your entire family.

Best of luck in whatever way you decide to go.
God bless,
R.

I was seven when my little brother was born, and my parents sent me away. I cried the night he was born because I wasn't able to see him, and to this day I hate that I missed out on his first few days at home. I didn't so much feel replaced as left out.

I have three children and I never sent them away. By all means, have someone come to your house to help with the older child - that can actually ease the transition for them (and for you). But I would seriously recommend that you don't send your older boy away. My boy was two when his sister was born, and he helped out a lot. He calls her "his Cerri", and we don't have sibling rivalry issues.

My son went to grandmas for about two weeks after I had sister. She was scheduled c-section, I got him a button that said he was a proud big bother from the gift shop after a doctors appt. I told what the button said and told how lucky he was to have a younger sister. He was so happy that morning of the c-section showing off his button and telling everyone he was going to be a big brother. Later in the evening my mother in law came and took him to her house after he saw the baby. He was ok, Im sure your daughter will be fine no matter what you deciede. Good Luck!!

My two boys are 18 months apart, so I know how you are feeling. My oldest didn't feel replaced until the baby was here for a few months. I guess when the new baby smell started to wear off...haha. I don't think you will feel too good about her being gone for that long, but you might think about having granny stay at your place. Unless that would drive you totally insane. Then forget it. Good luck, either way!

Your feeling are not stupid you are completely intitled to them and quit frankly your family should support you. Now on to the piece of advice I came to give. My mother gave birth to my sister three months shy of my third birthday now my aunt trying to help took me to stay with her for the first week after my sister came home from the hospital. Now I was to young to remember any of these events but I am told I was absolutly horid when I came home. I informed my mother that I didn't want a new baby to send it back. I knock over her bassinet and I stoled her bottles ( I had been bottle broke for a year at this time). My mother swears it was because they didn't let me stay at home with them that first week. She never let any of us leave again after she had a baby (there are four of us). When I had my second son my sister offered to take my oldest for the first couple of days and my mother told her there was no way. I think if the grandmother really wants to help she can come and stay a few days with you and help you tend to both children and help you adjust to having two.

Hi there! Congrats on your new baby! I am expecting our 5th baby on July 6th. My other children are 5,4,2, and 1...so I have been through this several times. I don't think you should send your older daughter to Grandmas when you come home from the hospital. You need to all be home together to get adjusted to new routines together as quickly as possible. It might be nice to have grandma come and stay with you for 2 weeks or so to help ease this transition, and so your oldest will have another caring adult to give her extra attention. The older children always seem to do better than you expect them to do anyhow. They are very resilient and end up really caring for their younger siblings and wanting to help with them. Don't worry quite so much, but I definately wouldn't send her away for 2 weeks before or after you get home. Good luck!

I wouldnt send her off after the baby comes she may think shes being sent away and resent the baby. Maybe before you have the baby and just talk to her about when she comes back youll have a big surprise for her!

I think you are thinking rationally. How about this...Have your daughter go with Grandma before the baby comes, and when you go into labor have Grandma tell your daughter that you are having the baby now and it is time to go home so "we" can see the new baby? Then, after all is settled, maybe a week or so, ask your daughter if she wants to go back with grandma for a little while or stay home, explaining that she can come home any time she is ready.

M.

I also know what you are talking about my two are 15 months apart. When my baby girl was born it was hard but I had my mom come and help me for a week and then my sister came to help me. I can say that I loved having them together. My son was around her from day one and I think that it made them closer. Now my son is 2 and my daughter is 10 months old and they play together and everything. It will also help with letting your daughter help with everything she can. Have her get the diapers for you and help with the wipes ect. The more she is involved the more she will feel good about having the new baby around. And try to spend as much time with your 2.5 yr old when the new baby is sleeping. That I also found out helps for them to still feel like they are not left out and that you still love them. Hope this helps. If you have anything else you are wondering about you can always email me too. Good luck.

what about having the grandmother stay with you for a couple of weeks? that way you will have help with both, and arround the house, and your oldest does not feel rejected, and can spend time getting to know the baby, and spend some special time with grandmother... just an idea

Hi there and Congrats!!!!! I had my second son when Devin had just turned 3. He was a little jealous the first 2 days but after that he wanted to do nothing but help. He stayed home with us and went to stay with his grandmother on his usual friday nite. I don't think your feelings are stupid at all and don't feel that way. I think you should let your daughter stay at home until she decides she wants to go with grandma. Hope this helps and enjoy your new bundle of joy!!!

I dont think it would be a good idea to let her grandma take her for a couple of weeks right once the baby is born. The first month she will have mixed feelings. Maybe if Grandma takes her for a day or two and makes it an "ALL ABOUT ME" day, I think that would be nice. I think the transition would be easier if she was there and could see how much she could help you and you can tell her how much you love her.

DO NOT SEND HER AWAY!!!!! it will backfire in some way, I gaurantee it. Can't your grandmother come stay with you to help out?