Reaching Out for Thoughts with Marriage

If he won't go to counseling.....write him a letter about how you feel, that way he can't bully you or yell at you when you are telling what you think. Be open and honest - tell him that the way his is treating you and the way he is talking to you and calling you names is making your love for him go away and that you don't want this to happen. Ask him how HE would feel if someone spoke to his daughter like this.

First let me say that i commend you for seeking help for yourself. You can only help people if they are willing to help themselves.

I have been married 21 years and to a man that treats me with real respect. He is loving and kind. When we got married we made a list of what we call deal breakers, behaviors that we would not tolerate from the other and we agreed to stick to them. Name calling, lying, belittling the other person are on that list.

We also made a list of things that we would like for our children to learn from us as they grew up. Like showing affection, Teaching my son's how to treat a lady and Showing my daughter's how a real man treats the person he says he loves.

We also agreed to fight fairly, and to treat each other the way we would like to be treated. We also agreed to disagree and do it respectfully.

But, the major thing we agreed on is not to stay in our marriage for the sake of the children if either one of us was unhappy. Kids watch and learn from you on a daily bases. They know when you are happy and they know when your not.

I say all of this to say that your children deserve two happy parents. Together or Apart. If you can work it out and stay together that is great. If you cannot make sure that your children spend as much time with there father as they can because you said he was a great dad. (Being a great dad doesn't mean he is a great husband) and move on with your life, find that happiness you seek.

Life is too short to be meeting someone elses needs and not getting your needs met.

You are not overreacting if it is important to you. Right away I thought of marriage counselor. Will your husband go? My DH and I went to one when we hit a rough patch and it did wonders. Sometimes people don't see things until a neutral 3rd party points it out and tells them that it's unacceptable/needs to be worked on.

Hi L.,
I think #1 you should tell your husband the way you feel when he calls you names. That should not be happening. It's ok to get mad, its ok to want to release tension, but name calling is not the way. He should find another way. #2 It sounds like couple counseling would do wonders for you guys if he is willing to go. I never thought my husband would agree to go, but when he heard me say that I was going to call it quits if he didn't go, he was in the car ready to go. And he actually listened and tried to do things the counselor suggested. I think if your husband knows what you are thinking about (leaving, divorce) he may be willing to try and make it work by going to counseling. Let me tell you - it saved my marriage.
Lastly, I think it would be sad for you to end your marriage over commuication issues and arguing because those things CAN be worked through. I know it is frustrating, believe me. But he sounds like a good guy after sticking with you during hard times, and it doesn't sound like there are trust issues or anything like that. So I know I don't really know you, but it sounds to me like you have a good foundation and just need a little work. Godd luck. hugs :-) A.

You deserve so much better. He does not sound like he thinks he has a problem and therefore will probably not be open to changing. My ex husband (who is the father of my 3 yr old son) was like this to me. Name calling is extremely disrespectful. My ex tried to say he would change when we were going through our divorce but I did not believe him. His current girlfriend and I email regularly (long story--she initiated it) and he is so much worse to her. Bottom line--jerk cannot be unlearned. Once a jerk, always a jerk. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

I am so sorry you are going through this! Would he be willing to go through marrage counseling with you? Does he know how you feel and how he makes you feel. It sounds like there might be something good in him if he stuck with you through your cancer fight. Maybe he does not realize what he is doing. My husband used to yell at me a lot, but he never called me names. Even just yelling at the way he did would make me feel bad. He to would go on with life as usual after he got it out. I have such tender fealing I would go and hide and cry. Then I got smart and fought back! Your going to give it to me I will give it right back! We had a rough time for a few years, but for the most part he does not yell anymore. He tries to be calm. We have 3 kids (6,3,2m) so he has had to lean to take it as it comes with the kids as well:) Something I did as well is that I stuck up for my self and told my hubby..Hey you are going to stop doing this and this and start acting like this or I'm going to leave with the kids!!! We talked a lot about life as single parents and sharing the kids and how much that would suck. I think at first we worked hard in our marrage because of the kids, but now it is deffinatly because of us! Good luck!!!

Why don't you explain to your husband that when he calls you names it's considered immature, verbally abusive and hurts you big time. And, your husband can't always be right because then he'd be perfect and no one is perfect, therefore, you can't always be wrong because than you'd be perfect.

And, consider the fact that when the kids get older and they get more independent and express their opinions, sometimes with a sassy mouth, how will he react to them, the same way he reacts to you?

The fact that your husband's father was like this says a lot. I would expect it means he could learn to stop doing this as it's learned behavious versus innate. I'm a bit like your husband in terms of fighting nasty at times and then being over it 30 min later. I've gotten a lot better but some people can fight and then get over it while others can't. You need to explain to your husband that you can't. Don't tell him he's so wrong versus you're different, and no one can argue that extreme name calling is healthy for kids to witness. Try to get him to see a professional. If he won't see a professional, start looking for some good books. I think as a woman, I'm more open to self-examination, trying to improve etc versus men I think can be so much more defensive, pig headed. So like I said, I've gotten a lot better and likely so can your husband. He needs to understand this is not good behaviour and while it may not bother him if you called him names, it would bother most people. Do you ever call him names btw? The rare times my husband really gets mad and calls me a b-tch, I can shrug it off but at the same time, it hits me how it feels to be on the receiving end of someone being that mad. You could try it once in awhile and then later ask him if it bothered him at all and if it did, can he see how it bothers you 100x more bc you're not like him? Remind him that his dad did this to his mom. Ask him if he really wants to be like this? It may take awhile but hopefully he can start to look at himself objectively and then try to change.

You are for sure not overreacting here. This sounds like me several years ago. At the time, he was so ugly to me and he refused to goto counseling with me to work on us (for us and for our daughters). I can completely relate to you when it comes to wanting to make sure your kids do not think that this is normal, acceptable behavior - cause it's not. During this ugly time in my life, I was threatened with divorce on a daily basis, I wsa put down, called names, and told daily that I was worth nothing because I was a SAHM....that was until I finally had enough. I was done. Emotionally. Mentally. I finally went to my parents for help... Several years later...I am happy again. I did decide that it was best for ME and for MY daughters that I make that move. Make the move that I was threatened with for so long...I divorced him. Now, please understand that THAT is not what I am telling you to do. You need to do what is right for you and your children. Just know that you do not deserve this. I have been blessed with finding a man who treats me the way that I deserve to be treated...one who has been an amazing example to my daughters as to how a man should treat their mom and treat a woman. My only wish for you is that you can open up to your husband, talk to him, see if he is willing to work on his issues. If he can't or is unwilling...try counseling. If he is unwilling....well, then you have to decide what you want to do. What will you put up with? What do you deserve? What do your kids deserve? I wish you the very best of luck!

Sounds like you are in a rough place.
I am not an advocate of leaving a marriage so that "you can be happy". And I firmly believe that not being "in love with" your spouse isn't a reason to leave either. Love is a verb, not a noun. It is action, not emotion. You can get that emotion back with work. But you have to DO.

That said, it sounds like your husband is passing along to your family what he learned from his. Has he always called you names and have arguments always turned into screaming and yelling? If so, how did you end up married in the first place? If not, when did it change? And why?

My husband would never DREAM of calling me names like that. We have been married for 14 years, have 2 kids (pre-teens now) and we have had our share of arguments and disagreements over the years. MOST of them stemmed from him feeling unloved and unappreciated... (he does have some issues from his childhood too-- involving being adopted, sooo that is a touchy issue, b/c I get alot of his spillover from issues with his mother. Like I have to make up for what he didn't get as a child.)
Anyway. Even at the worst of our arguments, he would never call me those sorts of names.
Everyone wants the fairy tale life. It is not abnormal to want that. It is abnormal to GET That. Because it doesn't really exist. You notice in the fairy tales, the story ends once the couple gets married, lol. That's because there are always things to be worked through for every couple. You are two different people trying to live one life together. It IS work. It is HARD sometimes. It doesn't mean it isn't worth it though.
In your case, it sounds like it is far less than just "not the fairy tale".

I would definitely consider some counseling. For you individually, for you two as a couple, and maybe even some for him individually - if he will do it. He needs to understand that name calling you and tearing you down, is counter-productive to a good solid marriage.
I am not a believer in that whole "we all deserve to be happy" stuff, though. It just isn't what my faith teaches me. What we all deserve, is punishment for our selfishness, sins, shortcomings, and depravity. What we get is grace. And we are supposed to share that grace with our "neighbor". Your husband is also your neighbor.

Soo... I can't tell you what to do. I don't want to tell you what to do. But try to look at things from a slightly different perspective, and maybe with some counseling things will get better in your marriage. We do all have needs, and motherhood is all about giving. Quite the irony, isn't it?

The question is, does he apologize? Do you tell him how that makes you feel? Has he tried to make adjustments?

It certainly isn't right to call names and get into those tantrums, but some people do.

You said he is a great father, so that's a plus. Maybe when he begins to get worked up, you replay the scenario in a question and answer setting so he can learn the art of communicating properly his feelings when something doesn't go his way.

Most men only know the anger emotion and can't express themselves any other way. It is not necessarily a reflection of how he feels about you personally, but you've been hurt by the words and you no longer feel "in love" because you were hoping he would say "happy" words to you all the time to make you feel loved.

If he is doing what he is supposed to be doing as a father, husband most of the time, then you guys should stick it out, get counseling and work on communicating better. Get away for yourself sometimes to refresh your mind and body.

I agree with the above answer. At the very least- if you feel like you tried to work on things with a marriage counselor- you may feel better about the eventual decision to leave if necessary. However; marriage counseling may really help you guys out. I also need to add: your description of your husband and how he acts is very similar to how I can act sometimes in my own marriage to my husband. I grew up with a very "emotional/dramatic" family (NY Italian)- and this is how I know how to deal with things sometimes. I know it's wrong for the most part- and am able to talk about it- but I know I can't change it fully til we get some outside help. Your husband might not be the self-aware type (I am- I analyze everything- but usually after the fact is when I realize I have acted out of line and it is too late)- so going to the counselor could be really good for him!

I agree- maybe some joint counseling to start. But I must say that calling your wife names is not normal and not acceptable! And honestly, if he was an "amazing father" he would be treating the kids mother fairly and with respect. Look into counseling, and don't feel bad if it doesn't work out!

Ugh. That's awful. You are putting so much effort into this and he is not at all. If you ever reach the point where you are ready to leave him maybe then he will finally wake up and go to couples counseling. He NEEDS it. What would he do if you printed out your question and all these answers and gave it to him? He seriously needs to go to therapy and learn that his behavior is so wrong and not fair to you and your family...and it's driving you away!

I do think you are being selfish to a degree. What he is doing is wrong, the fighting, the name calling, it's wrong. But marriages are things one has to fight for, and it doesn't sound like you are fighting for it, and it's a pretty small issues considering the hell people go through. Now, I am all for divorce when things cannot be salvaged, but this does not sound like a totally lost thing here. You are going to counseling to find yourself, which is great, but at whose expense? You took on the role as wife/mother/worker willingly and lost yourself in the process, perhaps you and your husband can find each other together again?

It sounds to me like you need some COUPLES counseling. My husband and I went through this very same thing and the counseling saved our marriage. Really, all you guys need to do is work on having better communication and he needs to work on having more respect and care for your feelings. Divorce over this will be ten times harder on both you, your husband and the kids... than working on it.

You also need to be more involved in loving each other, going on weekly dates, working on your marriage together. You really need to sit down and talk with him and be honest about your feelings. He is emotionally abusing you and that is not okay. But, it doesn't sound like he is a bad man, nor does it sound like he doesn't love you... he needs some help.

I love this video on marriage and divorce, it's only a few minutes long, maybe it can offer some advice for you guys:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQ1yLFIEVNo

As it's been mentioned, and by you yourself... the children. They should not see or hear their Mother or any woman treated so derogatorily by a man.

Start calling him c*ckSucker, goatf*cker, ball-less, imbecile, and other such horrid names to have him see how it feels. Most times, ppl like him need to personally feel it before they can understand or begin to sympathize.

If he refuses therapy - I'd start saving money to leave ASAP, he sounds like a verbal abuser and it will not stay only verbal.