My boyfriend has children from a previous marriage. We got together and I got pregnant. Our son is now 10 months. Both of his children have no boundaries, bedtime, responsibilities, etc. Everything is a chaotic free for fall. The ex wife is psycho. The 16 yr old has threatened to have me investigated for the boy claiming i burnt him (i never did) and called me horrible things. She went off to live with her mother now is living with us 2 weeks after she threatened me in an email! I can't live like this. They disrespect me. We don't agree on anything about them. Its gotten so bad that we dont even touch each other and barely talk. I am temporarily staying with my mom. I don't think he will ever support me. He tells me that I am the problem. Everyone I know tells me that they wouldnt be able to stand living with his children. I believe that children need some type of boundaries. I also feel that they should be helpful and that everyone in a home works together to keep it nice. There is no consistency and it drives me mad. I feel like a slave.
Reason enough to leave? Why stay if he doesn't want to support me or sees that I'm the problem? He told me that they treat me how I treat them. I actually avoid them. The 6 yr old is a jerk to our baby and all my bf does is say oh stop saying those things.
We split up today. He and I agreed that we have different values and that we are both miserable together because of the resentment and arguments. I feel like he has always put his children first before me and our son even when they have offended me. I told him I can't live with his children unless he takes responsibility for them. He told me that I expect too much from all of them (his 6 yr old plays call of duty) and that men he talked to would have never put up with my behavior i guess because i criticize his parenting and his children's behavior (wow). He claims that things are smooth when I am not around and the way he parents has always worked fine for him. I believe that he is in denile and passively parents as little as possible with the TV and video games and I cannot share that for my son. He is very calm, relaxed, friendly, and a hard worker but unfortunately too relaxed to parent. He will go out on a limb for the first 2 kids.
Side note: The 16 yr old became a problem with me because she was mad I got pregnant so she disappeared for over a year. She has a love hate relationship with me but on the whole is bossy. The 6 yr old told me he wants his dad to himself and that hes jealous. I suggested a therapist for the 6 yr old to sort out his anger and my bf was offended and told me his children do not have chemical imbalances or anger problems (one therapist said the 16 yo has bipolar). Funny I only said they had emotional problems.
For those of you who wonder if i instigate - my bf claims I treat them rudely and that im jealous of the kids but i am truly not and truly I keep my distance as much as possible and get frustrated in the bedroom by myself. If i do get an attitude its because i am about to explode. I have tried multiple times to be a caring mother figure but the next hour or day the 6 yr old is back to being rude to me and it wouldnt have been an issue if my bf would have disciplined him beyond "oh stop it" or made the effort himself to parent. I also tried the discipline route and the 6 yr old became even more rude to me. Nothing is ever good enough for the boy.
The children do have good sides, but unfortunately their drama and chaos stems from their mother and their father isn't strong enough to handle them. He claims someone out there will do just fine with them and the way they live their life. Good luck to her.
I did learn my lesson on this, a really hard miserable lesson.
Its killing me inside because I do love him and I miss him.
You've given plenty of reasons to leave. You don't seem to like or respect each other, or make any attempt to meet each other's needs.
Is all this balanced by any reasons to stay? It doesn't sound like it.
Yes...you picked a loser to procreate with. Unfortunately now you'll be tied to him, in O. way or another, for 18 years. Good luck.
Probably why he is divorced in the first place.
I wouldnt jump in and stay with him, especailly if you are not married. Can you imagine if you ironed things out a little, just enough to get pregnant again? Now you'll have two kids with him and nothing will have changed.
A house divided cannot stand. It will fall.
Rather than be critical of your boyfriend's children whom you do not have any positive influence over, and who are in an impossible spot and should be loved and pitied, I would be taking a hard look at what your own boundaries. I am sure that these children's behaviors are extremely inappropriate, but they follow the inappropriate behaviors of the adults who are responsible for setting examples for them. Stay with your parents and get some counseling for yourself in order to find out why your boundaries were so loose as to wind up in this situation in the first place. This will help you to become a parent who can raise a child who can be well-behaved, have values and respect for himself. In the future, be EXTREMELY picky about any man you let into your and your son's lives. You've got a long road ahead of you, fill it with positve values and joy.
hate to say it but I think you bit off more than you need to chew with this one. get out before they turn you insane, I dont think you have a chance... if he doesnt want his kids to treat you with respect you dont need him.
i remember back when my husband and i were first dating (we got pregnant really fast and it was a BIG surprise) and our first year was just a disaster. it took a lot of work, but we made it through it.
HOWEVER, our daughter was our first for both of us. I did not need to deal with lippy little teenage girls. Now, just about ALL teenage girls have an attitude. just part of the age. And no doubt they feel like you are trying to take their mothers place and are being snotty about it because of that. That i get. i remember being like that too. HOWEVER, if you boyfriend wants your relationship to go anywhere than HE needs to nip that in the bud and lay down the law. they are HIS children and it is his responsibility to make sure that they are turning in understanding, respectful adults and that they need to treat you with the same decency that they treat him and their mother!
If he refuses to do that, then guess. Those boots are made for walken, and thats what they need to do! your #1 man, love, and responsibility in this world is to your SON not his father.
this may sound rude but not meant to be just to make you look in a diffrent perspective. Are you the problem??? do you instigate the kids, pick on them or anyting else. they can only disrespect you if you let them. is this reason enough to leave him only you can decide that are you tired of being sick and tired if so leave. if not when you hit that point you will know its time to leave.
but the biggest question is from what he is saying is the possibility are you instigating it????? think about this honestly and if he is right and they are treating you the way you treat them and you are disrespecting them what do you expect to get in return. sorry if this sounds harsh
Ditto SH 100%
Yes. More than enough.
((Word to the wise: People who have "psycho" ex's... are usually people to avoid dating. Not because their ex is crazy... but because it's either
1) (M. commonly in my experience) not true / they are completely oblivious to anything wrong that they did or do so of *course* the other person is "crazy". They will often appear crazy to outsiders as well because they are *completely* at the end of their rope 10x over with their oblivious/ mean/ abusive/ pick a reason they left / ex.
2) completely true... and it shows the expectations the person has on people they date, and how they treat them afterward... which is a good indicator of how they'll treat you.
3) When people say all their exes are psycho... it's typically not the world that's crazy and they're the only sane one in it... but in reverse. If ALL their exes are lunatics... expect that their exes are sane, normal people, and the person declaring their exes are all nuts is the real problem.
Learned this the hard way... so just wanted to pass it along.))
Yep, you are in a real mess and you have now brought an innocent child into a real mess. Did you not notice all of these problems before you had sex with him and got pregnant?
The best thing to do for the child is to stay at your mothers house until the child is grown. That way the child will have some sense of normalcy. Keep the drama away from the baby. Don't date anyone, don't have sex with anyone and don't consider marrying anyone until that baby is grown. You have already caused your child way too much drama.
Lisa
C.,
KEEP LIVING WITH YOUR MOTHER until you can find a place of your own for you and your baby. Or, if you have a good relationship with your mother, just live with her for a while. Since your boyfriend thinks you are the problem, that is more than reason enough to leave!!! YES YES YES, LEAVE him!!!!!! Simply, calmly, and politely tell him that you are leaving because he thinks you are the problem. Do not start up w/ him (even if he starts up w/ you), do not fight w/ him, do not create any drama. Actually, email him so you won't have to face him in person. One sentence - "Since you think I'm the problem, I am leaving you. Good-bye!" That's all folks. Best of luck with your life w/ you and your baby!
Well, if you want your child with this man to be the same as the others then stay, if you would like to have more control then leave.
A man's job is to lead and protect-he has done neither-stay safe at your mom's and move on. Everyone needs boundaries-especially children. They need love, kindness, respect and leadership-those intangibles are more important than food-and this has been repeatedly proven in numerous studies conducted over many decades.
Sounds to me like you know in your heart what you should do. It sounds like a very unhealthy environment for you and and your baby. From an outside point of you it seems like an easy decision to get you and your child out while your son is still young and BEFORE all the disfunction starts to affect him any more.
Good luck~
Leave, you dont deserve that.
Find somebody that will treat you the way you need to be treated. :)
Run!
Blending families is difficult enough when communication is good & both parties are willing to work at making a family. Doesn't sound like you both have the same or even similar ways of parenting.
Like I said, run. Fast.
Run very far and fast from this situation. The BF is obviously not the right person for you and your child and he is very irresponsible. You obviously don't like any of his values for your child so follow your instincts and stay far away from him. Good Luck. You are obviously a smart person to recognize these as real problems so believe in your self and take care of you and your child on your own and just don't expect anything from the BF, you obviously know he isn't going to be there for you.
It sounds like you already know in your heart that there is little likelihood of this situation improving.
As hard as it might be, sometimes finding your own resources (financial as well as emotional support, be it friends or counseling) and cutting your losses is the best way to go. Your soul deserves better. You shouldn't have to live with people who threaten you. Your son shouldn't be subjected to the mistreatment of his siblings-- it sounds highly unlikely his father will defend him, and he doesn't need to grow up seeing you being mistreated either. It would be different if your boyfriend were addressing the problems arising, but from your post, it sounds like he's fine with how things are. Partners should value each other, be able to communicate and compromise. I'm sorry that you didn't find it in this person. I was once married to someone who also accepted no responsibility for himself and blamed everything on me. Even without our having had a child, it was a terrible situation.
Get an order for child support too. Do it sooner than later. And best wishes-- things will get better. Being a single mom with your son is much better than being the 'thing that's wrong' and in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you. Trust me on this.
Leave and don't look back. Sounds like it isn't just his ex that has the mental issues. I understand wanting to support and protect your child... but come on now!
Reason enough for me!
You were told that you are the problem??
Yup, run don't walk to your nearest exit! :)
Let him find someone else to 'help' him with his disrespectful children...
i'm sure there's more to the story, and your bf and his kids would provide a different perspective were they here to tell their side. it's a little iffy to me that he has all these horrible kids and a psycho ex and no drive to set boundaries with any of them, and yet you never picked up on any of that before you decided to procreate with this fellow.
that being said, you obviously have very different parenting styles, and that can be a relationship killer even if he's not a no boundaries-no support- slave driver- jerk. and if he IS all these things, why would you want to stay anyway?
khairete
S.
I'm sorry. :( My sister has been struggling with a similar situation although yours sounds a lot worse. My sister and her husband both have a child from a previous relationship and they're actually within just a few months of each other (both 4). Even I have noticed the difference in how he treats the boys and he insists that he isn't. And he won't let my sister discipline his son.
There HAS to be boundaries and consistency in the house and they should be helping you. Your husband should be backing you up in front of the kids, even if in private he doesn't agree with you. Have you tried going to a councilor with him? That may help. It's good you're staying with your mother for now. I hope you're able to work it out and I'm sorry if you're unable to. Some relationships won't work if only one person is committed.
Take your baby and run from this mess! Get him to pay child support and get a new, exciting life with your child!
M
yes get out before you are legally shackled to him and his psyco kids.
Leave. File for child support. And pick better in the future, far future....when you're child is grown up. I'm guessing you didn't get along w/ his kids before you got pregnant so why you thought that would change I'm not sure.
I would say yes...more than enough reason to leave. You need to think about how this will affect your baby. She is your primary responsibility.
All signs are points to GO....
Who needs this .. leave now before you invest anymore time into him or his family......
Things don't change, people do........... and it sounds like there is going to be no change in the situation.. Therefore, perhaps you need to be that change... let it begin with you.. right now... no If , ands or buts..... it's a new year.... begin it well.. begin it healthy.....
I feel like these situations are different, with no marriage involved. You don't have the divorce, the splitting of assets, all the legal costs and ramifications, etc. Essentially, leaving a relationship is fairly easy. It doesn't sound like you were with him long, before the pregnancy. It also sounds like this is who is and he has no interest in changing. Your child together, is very young. If your boyfriend won't work on these things, you should leave now. If he won't work on all these issues, the longer you wait the harder it will be on your child.
.
C.:
No one can tell you what's right for you. This is a decision YOU must make on your own.
I can tell you from life experience that this situation you are in is NOT a good one. I don't want to lecture you about pre-marital sex - sex is a GREAT thing, don't get me wrong - but when it's done before marriage - there is no commitment so should a pregnancy happen, M. men will be like "yeah - so?"
1. The 16 year old - well, threatening you is not acceptable. If you have proof, you can call the police - yes, drastic - but it may be what she needs - she is living a life without boundaries so she probably feels "invincible" but also probably scared out of her life because she has NO ROLE MODELS.
2. The 6 year old treating another one badly? NOT ACCEPTABLE.
3. BF not respecting you or your child together? NOT ACCEPTABLE!!! Why do you allow people to treat you like this?
how great that your mom is able to help you. you did the RIGHT THING in removing you and your baby from the situation. A man telling YOU "you are the problem!" ? and he's still standing?! WTH?! Dude - I'm good enough to sleep with but I'm not good enough to respect? I'm outta here!
I don't know how your BF and his kids perceive things - it would be great to hear them tell their side of the story. But in reality - do you REALLY want to waste your time in this toxic environment? What do you REALLY think you will get out of this relationship? He will NOT change. this is not some fairy tale where the guy all of a sudden realizes he's missing the best thing that ever happened to him and will move heaven and earth to get you back. In HIS opinion as of right now - YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. Do you really want to subject yourself to more of this? Does your son deserve to be treated like this?
Ask yourself - are you better off with him or with out him? I believe you already know the answer. You AND your son deserve so much more!!
absolutely! If your boyfriend doesn't want to provide boundaries for the kids and allows them to behave and treat you horribly why would you consider staying? you have to think of your happiness and your baby's safety and well being first. good luck.
Walk away. Be a good single mom to your baby, let him visit on your terms, start fresh, get a better man/dad.
C.,
You have decided to leave him, which sounds like the M. positive thing you could do for yourself, and for your baby.
As others have said be sure to go to court and get a court order for child support. It is his responsibility to support the baby when ordered by the court to do so.
Good luck. This is a difficult time for you.
Just a thought for you. I know you love him, but consider that you may be in love with the man you met, not the man he is now. Maybe this thought, will make your separation a little easier.
Updated
Just a thought for you. I know you love him, but consider that you may be in love with the man you met, not the man he is now. Maybe this thought, will make your separation a little easier.
I am glad you split... this was an unhealthy relationship. It stinks that it happened though. His 6 year old is way too young to play call of duty. It is sad he is in self-denial, but what can ya do when he won't help them or himself. Good luck to you and yours. Stay strong :) From someone who was left her ex last year <3
There was never a cloud the sun didn't shine through. Remember that when it seems hard :)
dont go back to this guy and his family, if the guys kids are hurting themselves and then blaming you for it and boyfriend is perfectly willing to
encourage it, dont go back. it is only a matter of time before they target your child for some imagined slight. change the locks and get a restraining order
been there. done that.
K. h.
That is terrible that you have fallen out over this. Has the two of you ever sat down to discuss these issues properly. Has he only got the two children? The 16 yr old sounds like she is in a terrible place between both parents, but I think your boyfriend needs to deal with this himself..
I feel that the six year old is young enough for you to deal with, (but you need to be careful as your boyfriend will probably turn around and say it's his child, not yours) The child certainly needs consistency and discipline.
You are in a difficult position. How long are you together? That could impact on your decision.. I certainly couldn't stay with him if it was me..
You have, have, have to do what is best for your baby first and foremost. And having what sounds like a jealous, unstable teenager in the same house with the baby is not a good idea. The 6 year old is still a baby himself really.
You need to find the courage to get out. You certainly don't need a man to raise a child-especially one that is not supportive of you and respectful of your feelings and opinions. You already KNOW what you should do or else you wouldn't have gotten on this site. AND you must be a lot stronger than you think you are or you wouldn't have taken that first step to go stay with your mother.
When I left my ex-husband, I took my daughter and went to stay with my best friend and her husband and two kids. My daughter shared a bedroom with my friends daughter, and I lived in the basement. It was hard. I had pipes overhead, cinderblock walls, concrete floors, and my roommates were the furnace and the washer/dryer. I had no heat. But I did it, and so can you.
Good luck to you.
It sounds like there are definite boundary issues. All I can say is that the best thing you can do is keep your own boundaries intact. You obviously want the best for you & the baby and that is what is important right now. By taking yourself out of this situation, you are saying loud and clear that you will not be drawn into chaos and disorder and thus creating your own boundaries that fit your life and the life of your child. It doesn't sound like your BF is very supportive and maybe he needs to stew in his own "lack of boundaries" and get tired of it before he makes some changes of his own. In the end, it may be that you two part ways - I don't know - but keep your boundaries set and your life will fall into order. It also sounds like you have tried to compromise by trying to stay and work it out but that it wasn't two-sided. Hope this helps <3
Christiana, I havent read the other posts...but I just wanted you to know I am almost crying for you. :/ to relate to your FEELINGS. On the other hand I wanted to say to focus on using your head right now and your feelings will heal in time. It certainly wouldnt hurt to pray and ask the Lord to direct you, be with you..etc. Sometimes ONLY HE knows the truth about us when all others misunderstand (truth always triumphs). If this helps I have to say YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. Keep doing what you know is right and things will always get better. It all sounds like to much and unfair for you to have to deal with..but only you got you into the situation....so good for you for getting yourself out of it :). I pray you be blessed in your ways! :)
I'm so glad you parted with him. His children's behavior would have continued escalating so imagine 5 years down the road still dealing with him accusing you of being a mean stepmom or whatever. You're better off without all that drama.
I can't beleive your even asking this question. You know the answer. You've given 1,000 excellent reasons to leave and not one to stay.
I'm a little late to responding but I am glad that you guys split.
My ex and I had a son. When we had talked about staying together, I was thrilled, but knew that it wouldn't work out because of our differences when it comes to raising kids. He lets his daughter run around like the little hellion she was raised to be, and I'm about structure that is bendable. Certain things go and some don't. He thought I was to ridged and paranoid about things. I tried to help him keep his daughter under control, things were going great and she learned how to listen, but then he realized that he would have to put forth effort and stopped. She went back to terrorizing everything.
All and all I loved him, but we disagreed on everything. We knew we couldn't be together, so we split. 3 months later he flat out quit being apart of my son's life. Our lives are better for it. I hope you all the best and if you need to talk, just message me!
I go through the exact same thing. But , when my bf brings his kids around its him that acts like a jerk so that when i get an attitude and argue with him, it makes me look like I dont want his kids around, and that im always being nasty. That has eventually made his 16 yrold not like me and for that she doesnt come to visit, only his 12 yrold comes around. But he also has issues with parenting. He lets his kids talk to him however, and his son (12) actually hits him. so I know what you mean when you say you get bored and frustrated sitting in your room all day. So when he brings him around, I leave and go tomy moms house. Good for you for leaving.
Im sorry to hear that. I bet you feel use and non appreciated. In my opinion he's worst that the 6 year old to tell you all of that. Enjoy your new baby and pay no mind to him. Its going to be a hard journey raising a child by yourself. But If it was ever yours it will come back. The 16 year old its just a bratt that hasn't experience real life stuffs except for her parents sepration. the 6 year old had more chances to change. And i dont think Call of Duty is a big deal here. I play video games and I do play even that game. Their mom was no woman enough to show them how to respect and be the better person so e H. that that's not you or your children. Stay positive and God bless you and your baby.
It sounds like you ended up making a good choice. A positive relationship is about compromise and trying to meet each other's needs. If your boyfriend was not engaged in such manner with you and did not demonstrate willingness to adjust, you're likely better off cutting your losses and moving on. Keep in mind that issues with boundaries will likely continue given the two of you share a child. Certainly, you'll have to figure custodial and/or visiting arrangements. This will be extremely important for your baby's connection with his father. Best wishes in your new beginnings. Change, even if it's for the best, isn't always easy to work through. Seek support for yourself via counseling, friends, and family to help keep you on the righ track.
I think you have every reason to leave and it is probably the best thing you can do for your baby and yourself. A few people seem to think that you should have seen this before it happened. Let's get real here people (BF Husbands Friends) know exactly how to get what they want and be someone they are not untill they get it. People are not always what they seem to be at first. Not to mention that people change. It is clear that you do set boundries and have them or you would think that what HIS kids and him are doing are OK. Hang in there being a single Mom is hard (seems like you haven't had anyone really helping you anyway since your BF sounds like a jerk) but you can do it and you are lucky to have your Mom to help you. Good Luck and I would say to run as far away from him as you can and pray that he doesn't get visitation since you already know this is not the environement you want your 10 month old in. All the best to you.
