Sad - San Diego,CA

You have lots of good advice. I don't think leaving is the answer, because, as someone mentioned, you will just get to the same place with someone else.

My only comment is that for me, personally, I could not be physical with a smoker. He would smell and taste too bad. So I don't know how you overcome that part of it, if he is not willing to quit.

Other than that, try some of the other moms' suggestions.

Oh dear. I apologize in advance for what's turning into a lecture as I write.

You're seeing the difference between love and romance. Romance is exciting and fun and a little of it is always nice to have!

But love is what's there even when the romance isn't. It's what you really want, because it's solid. You can trust it! If love is a meal, romance is the appetizer. It's tasty, but you can't live on appetizers. Do you really want to? Wouldn't it be better to make the meal more nourishing?

There are a lot of reasons why the blahs happen, and they happen in many marriages, if not most! One is the fact that there are only 24 hours in a day, and you have more to fill that time with than you did. Another could be because you both are physically tired! Yet another - and this is a big one - is that busy people let communication slide.

Some of these you can do something about.

If you have some deep emotions that get in the way of working on this relationship, you yourself can seek counseling to get those worked out.

You can play a game with yourself (don't tell anyone!), pretending that when you see your husband you're seeing him as another woman would. Don't assume you know him; look for things in him to like.

Again, without saying anything about it, say more words to him. Say "good morning" if you don't now. When he comes home and you're there, or vice versa, go and say hello to him, as if he were important. Use the good manners you'd use for the neighbors. How many married people don't even say "please" or "thank you" to one another? A lot, I think. They take each other for granted. The other person disappears. They don't even think how special he/she is.

"Hoping things change" is like wishing on a star - it's not real life. If your marriage can use a boost, it may as well start with you since you're the one concerned about it. And you need to as well because your husband undoubtedly has a different idea of a good marriage than you do.

You have absolutely nothing to lose by doing some little secret things like this. When your husband starts noticing what you're doing (it takes a good while with some guys!) and starts feeling good about it, he might decide to make a few changes himself - but don't expect it, demand it, or whine about it. Whining is anti-romantic.

Feelings are facts, but feelings don't always tell the truth. Folks who give up what they have to find feelings they've lost often end up with feelings they wish they didn't have.

OK. End of lecture. :^+

I can't remember where I heard this gem, but it stuck with me. "If you're bored, you're boring." It just means that it's up to you to change your situation. Stop making yourself sad, because it makes you a victim. And stop expecting him to make you feel better, or to read your mind. If you want something, ask for it. Remind him that for young moms, the best foreplay is loading the dishwasher, or bathing the kids. That's "communication". Don't let yourself waste time by thinking about how bad things are. DO something to change it. Take full responsibility for being boring, and look for little things to do for him and yourself to shake that "boring" label. You may also want to talk to your Md. about something for mild depression if you can't stop the negative thinking on your own. Good luck. I think we've all been there at one time. Please don't give up, you can easily change this.

When was the last time you had a full physical? Go to the doctor and make sure you are in good health, mention that you are always sad..

Have a conversation with your husband , be very direct. I miss you. Even when you are here, I feel like we are not close. This is what I miss. Kissing, talking about anything except the kids and work. Good sex and time to just hear you laugh. Whatever it is you need and want.

Start getting out of the house, see if your husband will join you, if not go on your own or find a friend to go with you.. Go for walks in the morning when it is still dark watch the sunrise over your neighborhood. , or go for walks at night and watch the sunset.

Have a quiet up of coffee and a pastry on the front porch and watch your neighbors start their days, wave to them.

YOU have to find happiness first for yourself. No one else can make you feel anything you do not want to feel. You cannot expect others to make YOU happy.

If you wanted to dance and he did not ask you, then you ask him. Don't blame him, you are in this 50/50. Men in general are clueless.. They think if you sit sit there without letting them know what you want, you do not want anything. It is not wrong, it is just the way they are, They are not mind readers and they are not women.

You have to make some happiness on your own.. Go out and find things to do that you enjoy.. When you are happy others around you will also be happy.

Let him know you want to kiss him after he showers. And you do not mean a peck a REAL good kiss.. Is that in the morning or at night? Have mints or gum and tell him you want a minty kiss. Make it a lingering kiss..

Children and parenthood does change a marriage. There were times when my husband and I went for full weeks without a real conversation, but we could look at each other and know what we were thinking. He would wink at me and I would do a little wave,. We would mouth "I love you" or "I miss you".. but we knew we were happy.
I am sending you peace.

I definitely think its not a should I stay or go question. When the passion and romance fails, so many just think I am out of love, time to leave. Its so sad.
you have to work on your relationship everyday. You must be open and honest about your feelings. Its hard to keep that connection when you both don't work at it. It sounds like neither of you are putting in the effort to keep your relationship strong.
Its time to have a heart to heart with hubby. If you leave, you will just go through this with someone else. Passion fades with every relationship. You must be willing to work to keep it alive.

If you are missing the passion I'm sure he is too. What has probably happened is you have complained about him smelling like cigs enough where he got to the point of not trying to be close to you anymore so he doesnt get chastised for smelling like an ash tray. He is an addict, so dont believe that he is choosing cigarettes over you, I'm sure in the back of his mind he wants to quit.... all smokers do. Your boys dont mind dancing with him and mom is sitting on the side lines pouting. If I were you I'd throw a piece of juicy fruit in my mouth give it a few chews and then transfer it to hubby with a kiss. Hand sanitizer is a good way to get rid of cig smell on the face and hands, just ask him to be a little more polite with that so you can enjoy loving on him... if you ask in the right way I'm sure he will oblige you.
Don't talk about leaving him... this is a man that dances with your children! Read the book "the proper care and feeding of husbands", its mentioned in this forum over and over... it is a good read.
Good luck.

Love is an action too! You have to initiate also, don't just sit back and expect him to jump all over you, when you aren't doing any of this with him. If you want it to change, then YOU have to start with yourself first. Stop feeling sorry and sad for yourself and show him a little enthusiasm. Maybe he's feeling the same way you are too.

As far as the smoking, did he smoke when you got married? If so, then it is not fair for you to be holding this against him, when you knew about this AND still married him.

I can't believe you are thinking of leaving over this, when you haven't even done anything to correct the problem! Love takes two and it is very common for this to happen after having kids, but it is also part of our "jobs" as a spouse, to keep the flame going. Send the kids to bed early tonight and go and seduce him-give him some gum if you need to, but once you get going, you're not even going to notice his smoky breath and if you do, then you haven't tried hard enough to be in the moment.

First off I am sorry, I know the feeling and it is hard to get through. However, STOP with the "in love" feeling that is something that romance books and movies make you think you should feel. I believe that you have to make the effort. Stop waiting for him to kiss you, take initiative and kiss him when he gets home. Ignore the smokey breath and just give him a lingering kiss. Sex is also a mind game, think about how good it feels and how much you love it and maybe switch things up. I am not going to give sex advice but there is some very good books out there (tickle his pickle). You will be surprised when you make the first move and have sex on a regular basis how much your hubbie will open up and talk. Guys are much more open and willing to listen when they are sexually satisfied, I think that is the key to a long marrige lol! Just as a side note my hubbie and i have a 3 year old and a 8 month old and yes it is difficult to find the energy sometimes but if you focus on how much you anticipate the kids going to bed to be able to spend time with him instead of how tired you might be it builds excitement. I am not saying I am a saint at this I have my days, weeks, and months, when I do not feel like making any effort but I just keep trying because I can't imagine having a life with anyone else.
I hope this helped a little.

The challenges we face in relationships can feel like barriers to our happiness, but they can also be opportunities when we look at these times more as information as to what we are feeling and simply acknowledging it. There is nothing right or wrong about any of it. It's the feeling we are experiencing. There is much wisdom when we truly do tune into our hearts and listen for that 'still, small voice' that is always there to guide us and support us. That includes taking real heart into honest communication. - This is how I feel, how I remember is used to be, what I long for. I want to feel loved and I want to give love and to care for you.

Your husband possibly is feeling similarly. Bringing voice to your feelings may help him find words for what he wants to express. It can be an exploration together rather than an uphill climb. Being authentic is a place of no fear. It's simple honesty with no blame and no judgement. Balanced care.

What do you both want for real fulfillment and happiness. The kind that is quiet and can be felt, that is enduring, nurturing, supportive and an anchor. Being authentic will never fail you and can be the greatest gift you ever give yourself and another. - With care.....

You have received lots of great advice, some I will take for myself. But, here's mine (from my hubbys grandma)
Your marriage is like a garden, you get out of it, what you put in to it. So, water and tend to your garden and your life will bloom!

I wonder if your man has a clue you feel this way. He may be thinking that all is well. I really liked what Laurie A said about going and getting a physical. Sometimes when I get a little fuzzy in my thinking about my relationship I am either pregnant, hormonal or just plain old tired, but getting checked just can't hurt. I was thinking how your son asked you to dance....so sweet, how was that dance? Maybe he is just on auto pilot and needs you to give him a little wake up call. Not in an attacking way. Maybe go out together without the kids and say how much you want to enjoy your marriage. Ask if he is happy and then listen. I know it can be hard to get them to talk, but if you ask a question or two, wait. They take more time to process information than we do and need a minute to get out what they are thinking. Like if you say "How do you think things are going in our marriage right now?" He needs time to realize first that a response is required, that you have some thoughts on this and then to frame how he wants to respond back to you. He wants to make you happy, and if he realizes he might need to step it up, it may take a minute for him to deal with that new information. I will say, I have a wonderful husband, but romance is not always his strong suit. We could easily be somewhere playing music and him not think to ask me to dance, whether or not we danced would not have any bearing on his love for me. We did dance when we were dating some but you know life happens and everyone gets lax, even us gals at times. Sometimes if I am feeling a little overlooked I think "When is the last time I put on something super sexy and slinky. When's that last time I said I wanted to watch the fight even though it's not exactly on my a list of things to do. When the last time I entered into my man's world. I know it's hard, but let him in a little to how you are feeling, give him a chance to respond and see if you can find that last little reserve of strength to try and meet some of his needs even though your own are not always met. I definitely don't think you should throw in the towel. You have two children and you said he is a good man and father, that is a treasure not to be given up on. Hang in there!!

What Nancy B. and Mary L. say! It's all true.

And I hear the longing you are expressing. Passion adds a great deal to our lives. It doesn't necessarily have to be passion for a sexual partner, though. It can be just as wonderful to have a steady, dependable relationship with a spouse and have a great passion for some important work or activity, like making music/art/quilting, learning a new area of interest, getting involved in some worthwhile cause, or raising good kids.

It's also simply a fact that long-term relationships go through stages, because our lives and energies do. Some stages require toughing it out. It's common for parents' sexual energy to diminish in the busyness of raising children and keeping a home together. It's also common for couples to rekindle the spark. That takes some intention from both. And a willingness to actually lay down all disappointment and blame, and find the reasons you were attracted to each other in the first place. A couples retreat or counseling can be helpful.

Let me throw out 2 questions as you consider your options:

How would you feel if your husband decided to leave the marriage because he feels no passion? And what do you want your boys to learn about marriage and commitment?

This, too, can pass! We all go through it. There are a lot of things that people will advise, but just realize first that we all go through it.

My husband and I just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. We hardly ever went anywhere until a couple years ago, because we didn't always have two steady incomes. I remember feeling how you felt at times - although I was the smoker. I never smoked in front of my husband or kids, and tried to brush my teeth before getting close to him.

Last year I took the initiative for our anniversary and booked a hotel room for two nights a couple of hours from our home. We discussed what we wanted to do (stay put and just go for walks, not a whole bunch of stuff).
I made sure that I stayed calm, because I'm the 'talker', didn't try to force conversations, didn't bring up the kids, and let each of us have a chance to rest our brains.

Stress reduction occured (it took awhile - I even paced the room a few times when we first got there). At that point, we could just be there together. That is magical.
Don't worry about the sex - it comes back, if you just 'be' with each other - not the TV, not talking about the latest cold or bad grade, etc

Our daughter gave us a book recently, called "The 5 Love Languages". I'd check it out, if I were you, and both of you read it. My husband read it first, and I can see a difference.Good luck! You are not alone!

:( This can happen to the best of us. Everything gets to be routine and boring and blah. You have to work at it. You have to physically do things that are not your norm and get things moving again. Try going away just the 2 of you, somewhere you would never think of going. Make a point to do thing together, just the 2 of you. Learn to play golf together or tennis, go hiking, get motorcycles (LOL), go to a concert. You didn't fall in love sitting around the house you feel in love while you were living life. You can hope things change till you are blue in the face, you have to make things change. You are not alone this happens to even the strongest couples after years of "going through the motions" get out of your comfort zone and have an adventure together.

I think you feel that way because you are tired mentally, physically, emotionally by just having 2 kids and going thru the everyday routine stuff. You need some time ALONE to rekindle the fire and even so, it would need a good week before you could really enjoy yourselves without thinking of kids, chores, etc. Since most people/parents I should say would never get a week to themselves as in dating years, it's safe to say you have to try and make the best of the one day or so by yourselves. If your husband is introverted, that might play a part. If he is older in age, that might be a reason the spark is gone. If you work all day, your hormones are out of sync, you are depressed, there are a lot of reasons why you may not feel connected anymore. Give it a chance and try to find something that will work for you. Take the initiative instead of waiting on him to do something to spark you. Good luck

Grass is always greener on the other side. If you leave a 'great father/person' you may never find that again. Passion comes and goes, it's up to you to keep the romance...not just him. It's tiring being parents, we are too tired for kissing/sex too, but that doesn't mean I'm going to run to someone who does. Your kids are young and at this time in life, they come first. They'll get older, you'll get to do more with him, but don't jump out before something that can be fixed. Try counseling first. Maybe he has NO idea of your feelings since you didn't ask him to dance...don't assume he thought you wanted to.

Good luck,
B.

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My husband have been through that plus some. If you want your marriage to work and be a satisying one, you should take a few steps now. You can seek couseling either for yourself and/or as a couple. If that isn't an option right now for whatever reason, I HIGHLY recommend a book by Dr. Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages. It is incredibly insightful, easy to read, and only $15 at B&N. Read it yourself at first perhaps and then ask your hubby to read it. Or, you can just try a few tricks out of it youself and then when you see your husband responding, ask him to read it then for your sake. Good luck!!!

If you really want to fight to help save your marriage, read "The 5 Love Languages" , it saved my marriage and I love my husband more now, than I ever did!

Hello, Get someone to watch the kids and make arrangements to go out on a date with your husband. Just the two of you and see if that sparks anything.
Good luck.
K. K.

Maybe it's because you're treating sex like a chore?

There may be a lot more going on here, and no one but you can give you the answer of whether you should stay or not. BUT, what you've described sounds very normal - in the sense that it's normal for people to lose their way and forget what brought them together in the first place. It doesn't mean it's lost forever though. Have you talked to him? He may very well be feeling the exact same way, but doesn't know how to change things. You're both in a rut (neither wanting to ask the other to dance) and probably both feel distanced from the other and almost afraid to be the one to take the first step to reaching out to the other and healing. Clearly your son notices it too. Perhaps a little counseling is in order?

You sound like your either going iinto a depression why dont you take the inishitive you have been married longenough to do whaaat you want your husband to do i have been married61 years do what your comfortable with good luck A. no hills

Don't be sad, do something!!
Take the iniciative and do something to feel the excitement you felt in the relationship before. Use your imagination!!
Just keep in mind that those teenagers who dream of the forever after happy life of the married; it's really a lie. It's hard work, commitment, sacrifice and the few exciting moments you can squeeze between all the work. If you get out of this relationship and start a new one it's all the same. There's light at the end of the tunnel though!! COMMUNICATION!!! Talk to your partner, plan something together, lay down and just look at each other's eyes and enjoy the moment. This is your family you're trying to keep together!!

Please don't give up on your marriage. A lot of people forget that a wedding is a beginning, not an ending to romance. YOU CAN IGNITE THE PASSION if you are willing. This was hard for me too. I wanted my hubby to pursue me....what I didn't realize was that men crave the same desire as women do. (Did hubby smoke before you got wed? If so, how did you deal with it then?) Buy him a pack of Nicorette gum. Light some candles. Put on some lingerie. Allow yourself to feel good about you!

What most couples lack is communication - and that is the key to passion. I really think that couples get stuck in a rut and get lazy. Tell him that you miss being close with him. Next time you are sitting on the couch watching TV, take his hand. I know I am putting it back on you, and it would be preferable if he made the moves, but for whatever reason, he can't (he may fear your rejection - ya don't know) so GET WHAT YOU WANT AND NEED FOR YOURSELF! I did and after a few months, my husband started taking the initiative himself. Years later he told me that he was going through a period of insecurity and didn't think I wanted him - he feared rejection so he didn't want to put himself out there.....silly boy!

Another great book... or audio book which is what I did since I have limited time... The proper care and feeding of a marriage by Dr. Laura... Also very good tips, insights on both sides of thought husbands and wives.... it takes work...but worth it! good luck!

I don't have any answers but know excatly how you feel.

Did you ever think that maybe if your husband was truly satisfied that he may cut back on the cigs? If you really reach out to him and satisfy him in every way that is lacking right now, he may be willing to cut way back! If he is nervous about things knowing things aren't going so well between you that may be making him smoke even MORE?