Sadness/Me Time

No, you are not selfish. all of us need an escape. Do you have a friend that would be willing to watch the kids, or you parents?

I have taken days off, and sent the kids to daycare to just Veg on the couch. No cleaning, no nothing. it is necessary..

Good luck

This concerns me very much: "He says his whole life is this family and doesn't understand why I should need any outside friends or activities."

Those are words abusers use to keep control of their spouses. I am not saying your husband is abusing you, he probably was just being thoughtless, but if I were you I would make an appointment with your rabbi and take your husband and talk this over with both of them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with needing time for yourself, regardless of how often you go on dates with your husband.

My husband often encouraged me to go away with my friends and join social groups/volunteer when the kids were little because I always came back refreshed and in a better state of mind. And he was working 60 hours a week! We had very little money when the kids were young, but I handle all the finances so he had to trust me that we could afford it (and we could, I would save for weeks to go out with my friends).

Never ever would my husband think he was being STUCK with his own children. If I were you I would 1. see the rabbi, 2. join the group and go one the retreat, 3. find a friend that your older daughter can stay with that weekend you are away, and 4. leave your little one with your husband that weekend.

I don't believe having some "me time" is selfish at all. I think joining the woman's group at your synagogue is a wonderful way to meet other women and develop some friendships that aren't tied to work. As far as the retreat goes, many congregations offer scholarships for those who haven't been able to work the cost into their budget. Your daughter could always stay the weekend at a friend's house (if you have any you are comfortable with) and then it would just be a "boys weekend" for your husband and son. Perhaps suggesting it that way may make him warm up to the idea.
Some people don't crave time away from their family but some of us do. I'm a WAHM of 3 kiddos & we homeschool. I love my family & enjoy spending time with them but if I don't have time alone every so often, I'm not a very pleasant person to be around after a while. Time to recharge is essential.
Hope you two are able to come to an agreement about this and that you get the time you need!

Everyone else has already said "No your not shelfish" which is true. What I feel I have to add is:

Your husband is probably stressed and possibly unhappy as well. Having financial pressure is hard on men who often feel the need to provide. He may or may not feel almost as unhappy as you do.

I would hold off on the $100 weekend retreat. Then when things calm down. Find out how he is feeling. I could be totally off he may have lots of "me" time. Do you guys have couple time? Ask him questions. Maybe he is just really stressed about the money but there maybe more going on with him too like you.

Also work friendships rarely extend beyond when someone leaves. I have some that have but they are more rare. It doesn't have to do with the company's culture the comment "when you're out your out" it has to do with the fact that everyone is busy. Often our social life is by what is in proximity.

Not at all, he is.

You go ahead and go on that retreat, and enjoy the companionship and friendship of the Sisterhood at your synagogue. You really need this. It would be nice if you were on the same page about this but he's being selfish and unreasonable. Just tell him that it's important to you and you are going, and invite him to make plans for time for himself too.

Life can't be all about work and family. We need other connections too and those are healthy and good. He's the one out of balance, not you.

You and your husband are not taking care of yourselves, or each other. He might be your "best friend" but he isn't behaving like one right now. Hanging up on you? Approving your minor expenditures? Calling you names?

He - and you - should be viewing your depression with concern and compassion. Depression can be (and usually is) a chemical imbalance, which can be treated with drugs or ameliorated through nutritional supplementation - I've done both. When I was on meds, I didn't have my super low "lows" but I didn't have a lot of "highs" or joy either. I went off my meds but did it too quickly, and my symptoms returned. So I went back on and then, with my doctor, did an organized, planned weaning-off (gradually decreasing dosages, then going to 2 days on/1 day off, then alternate days, etc. I wonder if you went off too quickly while you were also undergoing job changes and adding in a long commute? I have been able to manage since because I added in comprehensive nutrition, and I've stayed very stable ever since (and I have more energy, go to the gym, etc. which help offset depression). A lot of people don't realize how absolutely exhausting depression is, how it saps you of your energy and zest for life.

That said, you also have things in your home environment that are contributing to your depression. That doesn't mean they are causing them, but it does mean they are harder to deal with. And fixing those may or may not "fix" your depression - probably not. But you definitely sound exhausted, mentally and physically. Of course you absolutely need to get some "me" time - you are a woman, not just a wife, mother and employee. So instead of asking permission to do something and having your husband throw a fit about having to be a parent, I say go ahead and do what you need. Definitely join the Sisterhood and do a few activities, giving your husband some time alone with the children. Kids benefit from knowing there are 2 parents who are equally capable of making breakfast or driving a carpool or running off a load of laundry.

However, you two also need some couple time, and that means finding some child care for the kids and figuring out a way to have a date night (or a date afternoon on a Sunday, whatever). If you can't afford a sitter, try to trade off child care with another couple (or 2 couples if you need to send each child to a home with a child his/her age). The exchange will allow each kid to have some play time with a friend and give the adults some adult time. After having a few extra kids in your home, your husband may feel that caring for your 2 is no big deal. The 13 year old is probably fairly self-sufficient and only the 3 year old needs constant supervision.

If you can't afford a vacation, you can certainly afford a picnic or a walk in a nature preserve, a stroll on a beach, an afternoon at a museum or browsing through art galleries, visiting antique shops (even if you don't purchase anything), going to yard sales, going to a free outdoor concert, anything that would be diverting. Your husband might find he has some additional interests (including you) and doesn't need to just sit at home all the time. It's not an insult to say "My whole life is NOT this family and I need to take care of myself in order to take care of them." That goes for him and for you. If his family is so important to him, he won't mind spending time with the children in it, deepening his relationship with them and letting his wife get some stress relief.

You can either stand up to him and figure the $100 is well-spent on the retreat, or follow the suggestion below to squirrel away $2 a week so you can afford it next year. But taking time for introspection and self-awareness is very much in keeping with the high holidays, and it's how we Jews spend the month before Rosh Hashanah in order to restore ourselves and be "written and sealed in the book of life" for a sweet new year. We reinvent ourselves, we look at what we've done in the past year that hasn't been productive, and we set a path for a better year next year.

When my son was little, I had 2 "me" days a month - I'd take my son to preschool and keep on going. My husband picked him up, gave him lunch, played and put him down for his nap, then did some work. I went to lunch, to the library, to a movie alone (tons of fun!), browsed stores, etc. - no agenda sometimes, just let the car go where it wanted. It saved my sanity. And my son and husband have an incredible bond from this time together. My son knows that men do laundry and dishes and give baths and run the household just fine - he's grown up to be a better man because of it. And your daughter will choose a better partner for herself if she sees both of her parents as whole and happy humans.

Actually, hon, I think it's an awesome idea you join the sisterhood group at the synagogue, and the weekend retreat. It will refresh you spiritually and socially which will make you an even more devoted wife and mother. I'm so proud of you for taking these steps to take care of yourself, I know it's hard to do. Please don't worry about the money, it's no more than a couple tanks of gas, one dinner out, etc. I'll take care of everything while you're gone, no problem.

~Loving, Supportive (Ever Elusive) Husband

Back to reality, go backs on your meds, gain confidence, you already know what is healthy for you is healthy for your family. Don't let him suck the life out of you.

:)

I'm sorry. Your best friend would support you in your endeavors. Not yell and scream at you telling you you are selfish and and money hungry.

I'm sorry that you are in a life that you hate. I can't tell you how sad that makes me to hear.

Please go back on your medication. Find a therapist. Then tell your husband you BOTH need to go to marriage counseling. You need to figure out what is holding your marriage back.

EVERYONE needs "ME" time. EVERYONE needs their OWN activity and friends...it scares me that your husband feels that way. Why does it scare me? It reminds me of my ex-husband who didn't want to "share" me and had to know EVERY friend and co-worker - he was VERY controlling.

If your husband is active in your Synagogue, please talk with your Rabbi and tell him what is going on in your marriage. Then talk with the leader of your ladies group and find out if there is a scholarship that you can use for the weekend you want to go to. Then I would talk with my mom or someone else I trusted about taking care of the kids for me that weekend and tell my husband he was relieved of his duties as "dad" and could be "Free".

Your marriage needs help. Please get back on your anti-depression meds. Get a therapist that can help you deal with your feelings and not just medicate you.

Prayers to you!

I’m sure I will get reamed for this but really? It seems to me your depression has nothing to do with your family/lack-of-friends situation or lack of “me” time. Is a little “me” time going to magically get rid of your real issues? I say this because you stated “I have been off of them (medication) since I lost my job in March and I was ABSOLUTELY FINE all this time without them.” I’m assuming by your other statements about “all of my "friends" work for my old company” that you were FINE without those friends even off meds and without a job. So what’s the real issue?

If I were your husband I would feel hurt by your requests as well considering you seem to indicate that spending time with others if far more important than spending time with your "best friend." I'm not saying that your life should revolve around him but think about his point of view? You stated you guys only have "us" time maybe once or twice a year. I know if I was your partner I would feel initial hurt that your first thought to help you feel better was to spend it with a bunch of strangers rather than rekindle some romance/relationship with your life partner.

Why not compromise and join your girls group but also make a date night with him as well... or a romantic get away. Perhaps you both could use a break.

No. You're not being selfish but you said you haven't had a date night in ages so from his pov you are willing to spend money to go away. And he hasn't gone away so it may have been too much all at once to ask for this. Ease in with a night out. I didn't go away when my kids were that young. My husband would have been supportive though. But he took lots of time to himself. So overall I do think time alone makes sense. But if he's working really hard and is dedicated to you guys and you and he never get time alone, I can see his point. Though not his degree of anger... Did you catch him at a bad time? If he's a good husband, talk to him. Just reapproqch it all. But one weekend will not cure depression... Everyone I know says we get back from a night or two away and it's like we never had the break... I'd not spend my wad so to speak on one weekend but work on my alone time in smaller doses on a regular basis.

If you "need" it, you "need" it!
Girlfriend--ain't NOBODY gonna just give it to you--you gotta make it happen.

Do you honestly need these things?
If so, you're not being unreasonable.
The $35 membership was already approved, yes?
So squirrel away $2/week so you can go on the retreat next year.
You'll have made lots of girlfriends by then.

You might want to reevaluate the need to go back on your meds. The only people that can determine that is you & your doc. No O. here has the authority to tell you that. Good luck!

wow, i'm sorry he reacted so negatively. i mean, if you can't afford it you can't, but you're certainly not wrong to want it, and it sounds as if it really would be a great thing for you. especially with depression lurking in the wings, and your currently difficult schedule.
so i can see him objecting if the budget really won't handle it, but not at ALL that you would be selfish and unfair to leave him with his own kids for the weekend (yes, i would call your daughter 'his' and gather you both feel that way.)
my husband too has few friends and interests outside the family, and from reading MP for years, it's not uncommon. women seem to crave outside input from the world more than men do (gross generalization, i know.) and knowing this, i'm very grateful that mine has always been supportive and helpful when i've taken time outside him and the family. it's pretty selfish and unreasonable of your husband to demand that you should be wired in a particular fashion just because he is.
at the very least, join the sisterhood and enjoy what they can offer. and it may be time to check out a little marital counseling. maybe if the two of you can communicate better and with less resentment on both sides the load will seem a little lighter.
with depression part of your make-up, i'm not sure that this is the right time to go med-free, although i truly applaud your desire and determination to do so. if you find that you are unable to find ways to look at your life more positively, do consider meds at least while you work it out.
good luck, hon.
khairete
S.

I think he is feeling resentful because you want to spend "me" time, when he doesn't do that kind of thing.

Would you be able to find care for both kids and the two of you spend the weekend together? Sort of a mini-vacation just for the two of you? It doesn't have to be a fancy, expensive vacation, just the two of you getting away for a couple of nights.

That might be what would recharge you, and also help him feel like you aren't running out on him, leaving him to do everything... (not that you do.... but it would take his feelings into consideration a bit more....)

Well said by Sunnydays.

You are NOT being unreasonable or selfish for asking for the retreat or joining this women's group. If this is truly about the money he won't mind you asking at the church if you could be sponsored for this retreat. My guess this is more about him being uncomfortable being alone with the children and/or him missing you because you have always been there. Either case is not very good.

You already know what you desire for your own mental and emotional health and wellbeing. I say be fierceless in getting it. Perhaps you could skp this trip if you have to pay out of pocket for it if you can't manage to save the money for it before the payment deadline.

Date nights don't have to cost any money. Sending the children to bed early or on time depending on how late they stay up could give you and hubby some well deserved alone time. How about a picnic in the livingroom or a romantic dessert together in the bedroom of the least expensive most delicious fresh fruit and a bottle of wine. No talk of children or work or housework be a time to reconnect and rediscover each other. Seriously, I've gotten something simple like three oranges and cut them into wedges or peeled them and put them into a sexy bowl I already own with a bottle of wine. If you don't drink then think apple juice or cranberry juice or orange juice with a splash of gingerale and a twist of lime.

Not sure what I did but somehow hit the wrong thing and my last answer didn't seem to come up. Soooo, anyway I was saying if you can find an alternate caregiver (just to let him know you mean business even if you don't do it) then tell him so. You need something different than he does. You are not running out to have a wild reclusive affair, you want to re-establish yourself as part of the human race. And I'd find the one hundred dollars somehow. The best marriages I know of are people who reassert who they are. You are not being selfish or unreasonable. He is just nervous that you will run off with some handsome man who is really rich. Well, probably or he is just not listening to you.