Secrets

Well, since I posted the original question, I figured I'd respond to clarify what my idea of "secret" is...

Yes, there are many kinds of secrets. Surprises for the purpose of making someone happy. Secrets you've been entrusted to hold for someone else. (I have a whopper in that category. Troubling...) Or something personal, about yourself, that you don't want others to know for whatever reason (could hurt them, could bring shame/pain/embarrassment to you, could change the way people see you, etc. I have one of these, too, and I struggle with it.)

I agree with Krista P, that having a personal secret doesn't make you a sham, unless it's the secret that defines you and who you are, and the persona you present is a facade. But if the secret is just something in your life that you choose to keep private, then it's just that. A secret.

I'll (probably) take mine to the grave.

As an aside, have any of you read "The Shack"? It's a wonderfully freeing book with regard to letting go of these "secrets" we feel compelled to keep locked deep within ourselves. If anyone is seriously troubled by deep, dark secrets, I'd highly recommend reading it. It's a powerful book with a wonderfully powerful message.

a "secret" to me is something personal i don't care to share with other people, or a few select

The is the school of thought that if you have personal secrets about you that you refuse to share, then you are a sham. I think there is some truth to that, don't you?

XINE (if indeed, that IS your real name LOL), I never said I didn't have secrets I keep to myself. I do. Think globally, spiritually, transcendentally, for a moment. I was. For complete and utopia-like honesty and acceptance of you, doesn't another person really need to know everything about someone? If, in fact, one is too afraid to reveal a "secret" about themselves for fer of rejection, then is that an honest relationship?

This is an interesting question b/c I think it has to do with the intention. A secret can be something "exciting" like... a gift or a pregnancy, it can be something hurtful like... an affair or a lie, it can be something you don't want to be judged for... .like a past relationship or a belief system that is not considered "mainstream".

Basically, to me, a secret is something that you intend to keep to yourself and not share with anyone unless you have to/want to. Once you tell someone (even in confidence), it's not a secret anymore! We all have things that we keep to ourselves and for various reasons- mostly because we don't want to be hurt.

IN RESPONSE TO NIKKI: I only think someone is a "sham" if the person refuses to acknowledge truths about themselves. Keeping things to yourself isn't inherently bad... when you start believing that your "outward self" is your "only self" then there's a problem!

I have been told secrets that I will take to my grave ;-)

And I do think there is some truth to Nikki's interpretation of disclosure. What a true test to find ultimate acceptance!

I very nearly responded to the OP several times... but then I realized my answers just kept sounding egotistical (I naturally compartmentalize, so secrets are no big deal to me... which disqualified me from answering... because I have a lot of secrets that don't bother me one iota). Since my secrets don't bother me, it DQs me.

But what do I consider to be a secret? 2 quotes first:

"The only way 3 people can keep a secret is if 2 of them are dead."

"A secret can be a little bit broached the same way a girl can be a little bit pregnant. It's either secure or it isn't."

So there's a Tier 1 secret: something NO ONE else knows.

Tier 2 is a secret I've learned but don't tell anyone ever, as they're not my secrets to tell.

Tier 3 is a need to know secret. One I've learned and only tell those that need to know. These are often occupational secrets.

Tier 3.5 is discretion. People who don't need to know may well know, but not many.

Tier 4 are dangerous secrets. I tell them at my own discretion.

Tier 5 are personal secrets. I also tell them at my own discretion. A family quote comes in handy here "You don't have to lie, but you don't have to run around shouting the truth, either."

Tier 6 are fun secrets. Surprises. And they're temporary.

Tier 7 aren't secrets... they just aren't common knowledge. Two examples amongst hundreds; 1) My finances. They are my own business. I'll often talk about them, but no one else (aside from the tax man) has a right to that info. Typically only the people closest to me are shared any info about my finances. 2) I've been raped. I have no problem talking about it. But I also don't tell everyone I meet that I've been raped. Most people in my life don't know, but many do. There is no "closeness" level associated with knowing. I really have no problem talking about it, and a stranger and I are as likely to have a conversation as a close friend.

What is great, however, is free will. I CAN share any of the above tiers at any time. I just don't. There is no way to bind another person's mouth (even blackmail, gag orders, & confidentiality agreements -all essentially the same thing - threats as to what will happen if a secret is told), so the only way for a secret to EVER be absolutely secure is if everyone who knows about it is dead, and all evidence annihilated. Which is practically impossible. Hence trust.

I'm personally pretty trusting, in a pessimistic sense, so I only ever trust others with secrets if I don't mind the entire world knowing.

secrets are good it teaches you to lean on yourself in life as well as on other people because you learn who to share your secrets with and who not to.

I would say that a secret is something that you do not wish others to know- it can be about you or something else. I think defining a secret as something you haven't told anyone or don't feel the need to share - is too broad a definition. Otherwise we would go around telling our whole life stories to everyone we met if we didn't want to be "secretive". To me it is more of knowingly avoiding or mentioning something to keep others in the dark about it. Usually this is because we are afraid of what others might think of us if this secret were revealed- whether it be bad, good or completely irrelevant.
I don't know if I agree that everyone has secrets, but I will agree that some things are kept "hidden" because of oversight or it being irrelevant in the person's life or in their relationship with other people. I think that is different than purposely avoiding or covering up something that you don't want to share. Hope that makes sense!
~C.

You. Will. LOVE. That. Book! My sis got me "The Shack" for Christmas the year it came out, and once I read it I wanted to buy a copy for everyone I know!! I couldn't put it down!

A secret, to me, is something you keep from others that you do not want anyone knowing. A secret is something you keep to yourself and never tell. If you tell even one other person, it is no longer a secret (IMHO). You cannot control others or when (if ever) they will tell what you shared in confidence.

It could be a good thing to keep. For example: you should give to the needy in secret, not so others can think you are generous. "But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." ~ Matthew 6:3-4