Seeking Other Views

I think there are only two choics, she stays and goes to a local college, or you and the baby go with her.

Yep, being a mom involves many sacrifices, and when you have a child that young, you have to grow up quickly! She definitely needs to go to college, but I truly believe she will regret leaving him if she chooses to do so. She will never get these years back with him. She should just go to college close by and use you to help care for him when you're available. She's got to consider her son first now, and her son needs his mommy!

Hi D.,

I also had a child right out of high school and had to dramatically change my plans and lifestyle. I don't agree with the person that says she is way too young to make these decisions. She made the decision to have unprotected sex and become a parent. I planned to become a police officer after I graduated from high school but once I had my son I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him for 14 weeks to go through academy. I accepted help from my parents and moved back home temporarily with my baby so that I could get on my feet and raise him on my own. Leaving my parents house just before my son's first birthday was probably one of the best decisions I ever made. It allowed me to be the parent to my child that he needed and it allowed my parents to be grandparents. Don't get me wrong...my parents were wonderful with him...I just didn't want to get into the power struggles of who was raising my child. All in all, I made the concious choice to grow up fast and give myself to my child. I went to community college and found a new career that would support us. Do I have regrets now? Absolutely not....my son is my world. I do wonder sometimes what direction my life would have taken if I hadn't had him so young but never regret. Your offer to keep the little boy with you is generous but he is her responsibility. She needs to look at reality...she made a choice and now she must take responsibility for it. Going away to college and taking him with her is her choice but she better be prepared for the hardships that will lie ahead. I will not say that she can't do it...because I am a firm believer that you can do anything you set your mind to but I know how hard single parenting and college is when you are close to home and have family support....let alone being in a new state and knowing nobody. Support her in whatever decision she makes and be there to catch her if she falls but do not let her just walk away from that child. I don't know if the child's father plans on being a part of his life or not but I can tell you how much my son depends on my support knowing that his father didn't want him for all of those years. I can only image how much further the emotional damage would have been if he thought that I had abandoned him or didn't care either.

I apologize if I sound harsh with any of my advice but I truly am speaking from experience. I see too many young girls that have babies and claim they just can't take care of them. I have proven them all wrong...I raised my son from the age of 18. I never applied for government assistance and I worked hard to set an example of a caring and hardworking parent. I did have the occasional financial help from my parents when I needed it but that was minimal and I always paid them back.

I wish your daughter all the best and I hope she makes the right decisions.

T.

I think she needs to face the fact that your kids come first. I'm glad to see she is sticking with school. I myself had my first child while I was in High school. Leaving him for that long, she might as well just give him up to you. He'll grow to think that your his mom. Just my thoughts.

she is way to young to make a decision like this. As her mother you should step in and say how would this make me feel if i did that when my daughter was born. If you would of regretted doing the same thing she wants to do don't you think you should tell her no. She either takes the baby or she goes to college here. Why does she want to go out of state is it just for the experience of it or because the degree she wants is only offered at that school. If it is for the experience only well there are plenty of good schools in michigan that she could go to. I can't believe you are even offering this to your daughter. Leaving your child for two years is abandonment and should not be an option for her. What if something happens to you when she is gone. Don't you think that a social worker would think twice about sending a child with a mother who left her for a college out of state. The courts do not care if she is the birth mother or not they are going to look at what is best for the child.

Absolutely! No way can she leave her baby and still come back to be 'mommy' to him later. The bond will be udeveloped and her maternal instincts will be forgotten. Unfortunately, she made a decision that changes the entire path of her future. Don't get me wrong, I am not judging her, I did the same thing as a teenager and now am trying to keep MY teenager from making the same decisions! (so far, so good) She is going to have to let you raise that boy as his mother forever, or go to college close to home and be his mom. I certainly understand your desire for your daughter to get her education, and it IS important, but the consequences of her leaving to do so will be too great for that poor baby! She CAN have it both ways, but it will just have to be closer to home!

On a personal note, I have to beg of you to please, please, don't let her leave him! His world will be absolutely shattered!

~L.

I agree with Waya. Yes it would affect the child. It would affect the child in how he sees his mother and who he thinks his mother is. Why is it a necessity that your daughter go to school out of state? Life happens and when things happen your plans change with them. And being that this is a child, the child should come first always. It’s great that she is so lucky to have such a great mom to step up to the plate, but you’ve already raised your child, this is her responsibility, not yours. I tried for 6 years to get pg and now have two children and every day feel that I am so blessed. I am leaving them the first time in 5 years to go away for a girl’s weekend. I couldn’t imagine leaving them for 1 to 2 years!!! She needs to look at how lucky and fortunate she is to have this baby, go to collage where she lives and put herself second. She did make the choice to have sex and get pg, now it’s time to step up to the plate and be a mom that is worthy of her son. I wish you all the luck in the world, but please do not enable her to shriek her responsibilities and put herself first. Would you have put yourself first and left your daughter with your mother?
I hope my post doesn’t seem harsh, I just feel very strongly after having to try so hard and so long for children to read your post. Tell your daughter to cherish that little boy, she’ll never get those years back. She is so lucky and it doesn’t seem that she realizes it yet.
Good Luck!
J. in Macomb

Hi D.,
Yeah I do think it would. That little one would come to see you as Mama and that would hurt her (I know it would me), and possibly confuse the child.
I hate to sound like a cliche, but she should have thought of this. I think I would have to tell her that she needs to make sacrifices now it isn't just all about her. If she has to go to school in the hometown or nearby then so be it. A baby is not a puppy, you can not hand him/her over to another person when it gets to be too much. She needs to find a way to make it all work.
She's very lucky to have you right there to step up, I would just be careful that it doesn't hinder her as a mother. I didn't go to college until 2.5 years ago, until I met my husband it was me and the boys and I had to work. Some college offers daycare, housing, she can take her son with her. Or opt for staying with you and going to school. I think the second option would be best. My two cents.
Good Luck and God Bless
W.

I think that if she decided to go to college maybe she could find one in a closer state so maybe she can visit frequently . but i do think that if she does decide to go and have you watch him for a couple years or however long would maybe put a downer on there relationship.... she can still go to college and be a mommy to so i think she should stay.

It would have a negative impact on her bond with him. He would bond with you, not her. She has to learn that when you become a parent, you make sacrifices and also compromises. We have many great schools in Michigan. She should look at schools around here or make arrangements to take him with her. He should come first.

MC

I do not think kids should be away from their mothers. I would never even offer this to my daughter. IMO she has two choices stay in her home town and go to school or take him with her. She is a Mom now and needs to put her childs needs above her wants!

I tottally agree with the other post. It would be a very rough time for that child and ur daughter to be able to join back together. Like the others said.... she should put her child first.

D.

I have to agree with the other ladies. I really don't have more to add but I do agree with them.

Unfortunately it absolutely would. At this age he would assume or his caregiver was his "mom". Unfortunately she is a Mom know and that means your plans change. She can either make arrangements to take him with her or go to school locally if she doesn't want to miss out for 2 years.

Good for her for staying in school and continuing her education.

I think that you as the grandmother will make it a point to stress on a daily basis how much his mom loves him and I'm sure you will do everything you can to keep the lines of communication open. I think that it is important for your daughter to further her education. I personally could never leave any of my children for that long so if she does decide that she needs to bring him along, I hope she gets all the support she needs.

Hi D.,
I agree with the other moms. It's great she wants to further her education but why not go to a local collage. When she had that baby she had to know that she would sacrifice things. Good luck.
Chris

Yes. I think that she will regret being away. While it's definitely a great idea for her to go to college, I also agree that it should be close-by. (perhaps no more than a couple of hours away). I think she'll want to be able to visit more often and be the mom. While he is still young, he could also have abandonment issues later on in life. It's amazing what small children can sense.

Absolutely yes!!! I have a three yr old. I can not imagine being away from him for the first week, month, or year of his life!! Her getting her degree shouldnt be about going out of state. It should be about bettering herself with her education for her and her baby. As a mother yourself, think about your first years with your daughter. I understand that she is a young girl and needs to "live the life" but she chose to have this baby. Look at all the different aspects of her going away... You are now with a baby that is going to relate to you as Mommy (baby is too young to understand the difference), it will break the mommy/baby bond that she should be creating with this child.

Teen mommy is right about the sacrifice... Mom=sacrifice. I really think she needs to stay with baby. Can she honestly look into baby's eyes, look at that smile, hear it's babble and be okay with walking away for any length of time? I went away to college. I know what is like. Even if she's only an hour away, she wont be home every weekend (which is too far between for coming home to visit.. she should be home EVERY NIGHT). She will say she will be but first it will be exams, then her job, then something else.

Her being away wont only have a negative impact on their relationship, it will have a long lasting emotional impact that, as cheesy as this sounds, may end up giving the child issues with bonding with anyone. It will cause confusion about how is really there for him or who is his primary care giver.

Teen Mom... If you are in Battle Creek.. commute. MSU is just under an hour. UofM is just under an hour. Plan your classes for 2 days a week and commute. I understand the need to feel like a normal college kid and live in the dorm and makes tons of new friends but you have to prioritize. That child is first now over any socializing needs that you have. Dont put your needs for that over your child. Especially right now. Unfortunately tho, when you have a child, there is never a "right" time to leave for a couple years.

Think of these things you will miss:
(I had a hard enough time missing these things cause my boy did them at daycare)
first time he say's Momma
First step into your arms
sleeping with him wrapped in your arms
when he looks into your eyes and laughs
when his little hand reaches for yours because he trusts you
his kisses
his giggles
his smiles

Here's what may happen and may hurt your heart...
he says Grandma instead of momma.
he runs to Grandma to dry his tears when he has a boo boo even tho you are standing right next to Gma.
he reaches for Gma's hand instead of yours.

Im sorry if I sound kind of bitchy but this is THE most important time you will ever have with your child. You will not get it back and you cannot change it. You are his mother and you both need this time now to make the connection that will last the rest of your lives. College can wait, he cannot. You may regret years down the road the decision you make today. Make the decision based on him. Unfortunately there is not just a you anymore.

I got to go away to college and thankfully I never had to make the decision you have to make. I got to be young, do my thing, and live my life. I was a mom when I was old enough to deal with it. He's only 3 now and I love him more than life itself. Dont miss out on that. You cant get it back.

Please respond to me if you are confused. I would love to talk to you and help you talk things out.

You said he will be 1 yr in a few months.. so he's not even 1 yr yet.... ugh... you've had him less time than you were pregnant. Please dont leave him. Think about it in the reverse. What would you do if someone took him from you? Or if he was just gone? You are doing that to yourself if you go away.

Lucky mom of a wonderful 3yr old :)