Sex While Children Are in the House

Gross. Sorry, my opinion.
Unless the house is large and they won't miss you at ALL, maybe.
It's all about priorities I guess.

Given that this is a newly blended family, I would not be having sex while the kids are still awake. They already have a lot on their plates and this adds to it. Give them time to settle into this new marriage. If you add in the fact that they are in puberty or near puberty, it raises even more red flags. How about have sex before they wake up, or when they are in bed, or gone at a friends house. I have a step daughter and a biological daughter. My husband and I do not have sex while my stepdaughter is awake. Her stepdad and mom,on the other hand, have done it while she is awake. She tells us about it and I can see how awkward it is for her. I get being newlyweds and wanting to jump each other all the time, but I just think it is too stressful for the kids. Are either of the children boys? If so, just think about it from a pubescent boys perspective......yikes.....

I am not against the occasional quickie, but when I first married my husband, and his kids were that age, we usually just waited until they were asleep if they happened to be over for the weekend. Why can't you just wait until they are in bed or not home? I'm all for adults being adults, but there's something to be said for being discreet too.

Hub's ex-wife told me once, before they were married and Hubs was still a 20-year-old living at home with his mother, that they were over there once and they could totally hear his mother going at it with whatever guy she happened to be screwing at the time. And Hubs younger brother, then 12, was in the next room and could totally hear it too. How do you think it made them all feel? Yes, adults can be adults, and kids can understand it's part of a normal healthy adult relationship, but no kid wants to HEAR it and be that aware of it either.

If they were YOUNGER... No problem. Ahem. You'll notice most of the moms saying 'go for it' have younger kids. Not kids who are old enough to know EXACTLY what is happening. Of COURSE they're irritated!!! How would you like it if you were having to listen to other people have sex on your house.

Just think of the Forest Gump scene for a minute. Just breathing & rocking. And. Gross.

These kids are 10 & 13?

Send them to a movie.
Or to the pool.
Or the basketball courts.
Or the skate park.

Or be prepared for them to sound record you & post it on YouTube or find them masturbating to the sounds of you having sex. Either option? I hope it makes you feel icky. Because that IS. So is having your sex life broadcast at their schools, to their friends, their friends' parents, etc. Because these kids know EXACTLY what you're doing.

My 10yp records his dad & his girlfriend.

They're "quiet".

Which means its

Bang Bang bang bang bang bang bang Ahhhh thump thump thump giggle bang bang bang

Or

Schlurp Schlurp fwlap fwlap fwlap flappity flappity mmmmmm mmmmmm

<rolls eyes>

I'll stop here.

I HATE that my 10yo is getting his sex Ed first hand.

Its. Gross.

____________

I should add... I'm about as 'pro-sex' as it gets.

- I had sex 2-5 times a day on average for 10 years (marriage).
- Ive taught sex-Ed
- Im ex military
- list. Goes. On.

This isn't prudishness.

This is common decency.

Its not that hard to do so that older kids/teens dont have to listen to it. All it takes is a little imagination. A few bucks for icecream, pool, matinee, whatever.

Ugh. My parents used to do this and it still disgusts me. Disgusted me even more when it was with my step parent's. I will never...and I mean NEVER have sex while my children are awake and in the next room.

Would it be OK for your step children to have sex (when they're old enough obviously) if they are in their rooms while you watch TV?

Trust me...even if you think you are 'quiet' and sneaky...they know exactly what you are doing...even at their age... and probably resent you (the step mom) for it. And having sex like rabbits isn't a sign of a 'healthy' marriage...at least it didn't help my parents (divorced). I happen to think my marriage is pretty great and yet somehow we manage to keep our pants on when the kids are up.

They are not coincidentally knocking...they are knocking so that you will stop and they don't have to hear it! That's what we used to do anyway. Or we'd send my youngest sister over to jiggle the handle. And while we knocked...we heard enough to know what we were interrupting.

For those that said to 'have fun'...wonder if they ever heard their parents and could so casually say that the kids will be fine.

You also need to take into consideration what kind of view you & their father want them to have about sex? Do you want them to think it's okay to be taken away with their impulses and get some whenever and wherever they feel like it? Or do you want them to learn that yes, sex is great...but there is a TIME and a PLACE for it.

Sorry for the rant...but having parents like this is something that I STILL haven't gotten over 10+ years after being out of the house. Something to think about.

I understand being a newlywed, but are you also a hormonal teenager?

Do the kids ever spend time at their mom's house? If so, by all means, have at it like crazy hormonal teenagers when they are not home. When they are home, respect the fact that it is a new and probably very awkward situation for them, and keep your pants on until they're asleep. It can't be any more difficult to do that than it would have been for my husband and I, newlywed, to refrain from sneaking off for quickies when staying at my in-laws' home for a few weeks.

At the very least, if you need some alone time but don't want to be too obvious (and believe me, if you sneak away and lock your door in the middle of the day/early evening, it IS obvious), perhaps just pretend to be really tired and say you're going to sleep, and then have your husband follow suit shortly after, after announcing bedtime to the kids too. At least that way they can't automatically assume that you've having sex.

I grew up with the rules that if my parents were in their room, I wasn't to knock!

I think you can minimize the screaming durIng those time right? I think it is healthy for kids to know their parents are close and sex isn't nasty.

You're married. It's part of marriage to have sex. Just because there are kids in the house doesn't mean that sex is out of your life.

It's harder with toddlers who look around, realize mommy isn't sitting 2 feet from them, and then go looking for her.

Your older step-kids will be very happy to do their own thing while you and hubby are otherwise occupied for 20 minutes. Enjoy being married. It's a benefit!

Dawn

L., I think it's time to tell them what to do when your door is closed, nevermind locked. They should knock, wait until you answer and then respond accordingly -- "hang on, we'll be out in a few minutes" means go away and I'll come find you. "what do you need?" means answer what you need. "come in" means come in. It would be agitating to be met with a locked door that had no warning or clear message. Beyond that, they don't need to know what's happening behind the door -- you could be taking a bath, or a nap, or simply having a private discussion. What happens in your room is not their business.

Personally, I see no problem with having sex when the kids are in the house, as long as they are not being neglected. Mine are 8 and 10, they may be happily engaged in their own activities, and we sneak off for private time. Or we retreat to our bedroom to have a private, grown up conversation without being interrupted. Our marriage doesn't always have to take a backseat to parenting, sometimes it's OK for the kids to have to wait or even to grasp that they are not the center of the universe. We are people with our own relationship and we value it as much as we value them.

And young kids may know that sex is happening (whatever they understand about it) and find it icky and weird. But I hope to hell that I can raise kids who eventually grow up and MATURE, and actually as adults cherish the fact that they had parents who were able to model a healthy and loving relationship.

The kids are old enough to be left unsupervised while the adults have a little couple time.

I think it's strange for kids to find a parent's door locked. Considering they are your stepchildren and this is a whole new ball game, I would use some discretion, especially if 'their voices are agitated' as you say.

It's a new relationship-- give them time to get used to the new arrangement.

Personally, our kid is only 5, but we still wait until he's asleep.

I'm sorry, even if they know what is going on it isn't gross.

Part of a healthy adult relationship is sex, and I can tell you what my now adult kids have said to me..."While it's 'gross' knowing what you are doing we would much rather you are doing that and not getting a divorce like all of our friends parents".

Go for it. We turn on the TV to muffle some noise.
My older children and 10 and 14. When they knock on the door, when its locked, we usually ask them what they need or want. Seems they have an innate knowledge of when that door is locked. We lock it for many reasons including Christmas and birthday discussions among other things. Do they know what we are doing? possibly.
For those that wonder, I heard my parents doing it, even walked in on them once, I'm fine.

Children that age don't need constant supervision.

Have fun! ;-)

We instituted "alone time" when my step kids were quite young, but old enough for us to be in the bedroom for a short time. When we said "alone time" they were not to bother us unless it was an emergency. They got it. As they got older, they probably figured out what we were doing, but by then it was normal, no big deal. It also meant that they had the option to call "alone time" when they wanted privacy for themselves, in their rooms.

I believe that kids are better off when parents have a healthy, and fun, intimate life. And, they had known me since they were 1 1/2 and 4.

L.:

WELCOME to mamapedia!!

I say GO FOR IT!!! Kids need to know that their parents have a good, healthy relationship.

I would NOT tell them "hey we are running upstairs to have sex" (smiles). And at 10 and 13 - THEY KNOW what's going on.

The idea of my parents bumping uglies?? OH MY WORD!! NO thanks!! But I would MUCH rather have them HAPPY with each other than divorced.

Of course it's normal. You are married and they are not babies. It's perfectly fine.

wow.

i think that "quite often" is very subjective. doesn't sound like bug thinks it's okay, really, ever. that's her opinion and she's entitled to it.

i have a 6 year old, and a smallish 2 bedroom duplex, one level. there are not many secrets.

our bedroom doesn't have a lock. SO we do it when he is sleeping or out of the house for the most part. (although he has been raised to respect our bedroom door being locked - but he is also 6 and has adhd, with impulsivity, SO we don't necessarily jump at it when he is around). however. i do think it is okay, at 13 and 10, to lock the door and expect a little privacy. of COURSE you try to be quiet. keep it tame, etc.

they are being taught (i HOPE!) what two married, consenting adults who are in love do. they retire for awhile for some "alone time", yes, have sex (whatever level they are understanding that to mean, at this point) and then they come back and join the family. healthy, imo. if your time with them is loving, healthy, positive - no problem imo. you're not neglecting them.

ALL THE TIME, lol! Sometimes it's the only time we have! Our kids are 5 and almost 8. We just put a movie on for them and run upstairs.

If the door is closed and locked, it means that you are having private time. You deserve privacy. As long as you aren't neglecting their needs, then go have fun!

I have to 2nd Kate B and what she said. Kids need boundaries and you need to have a private place to go where they dont' get to. I don't know if I would do it all the time, but once in a while is probably ok. But, they should get used to you going in there alone or together without anything happening first.

I look at a bedroom kind of like my purse, its mine, and you don't get to go in it without my permission.

i dont see a huge issue with it.. but honestly at 10 and 13 id say almost 100%positive they know exactly what youre doing in there lol

Hehehe why just the bedroom? The bathroom or basement if you have a door that locks is always exciting too. Totally normal for a relationship. I think quickies like that are always fun!

Absolutely! If you are worried about them knocking while you are doing the act, you can always tell them you are going to the bedroom to have sex. That's a sure fire way to keep them from knocking. :-)

I could lock myself in my room for hours if my boys are engaged in movies or games! If your door is locked it is quite acceptable to say it is your private time. You can tell them you are trying on clothes, having a nap or having an important discussion. Maybe they know, maybe they don't. No big deal. There is nothing wrong with married people having sex in private.

ETA-If the kids are up, in the living room or rec room making plenty of noise with tv and games it is probably preferable to waiting until bedtime when they are lying in a quiet bedroom right next to yours listening to every sound!

I wouldn't worry about it too much. It's love after all, not hate. Nothing wrong with a bit of extra love around the house :)

We do it all the time...no pun intended!

My parents built a wall in there bedroom for an extra hall and closets on both sides (basically a wall with a closet nothing fancy) and we couldnt hear anything. Also my mom took naps all the time and my dad worked shift work. IDK what they were doing or when they were doing anything.and we will keep it that. as long aas they dont see anything or hear anything its all healthy and normal for married couples.

No. Teach your step-kids some self control, for crying out loud.

As a general rule, I see no problem with it. As long as you try to be reasonably quiet there is no reason you can't have sex. By that age they know what you're doing anyway even if they don't like thinking about it. You aren't just some random girlfriend, you're his wife. It's normal. If you want them to never know you'll be in trouble when they get a few years older and start staying up til 1am all the time. However, you are in a newly blended family. Even if the kids like you, odds are it is still weird for them, and possibly upsetting, to think of their dad with someone who's not their mom. I would suggest being a bit more discreet as they adjust to everything.

My kids are 7,6 and 4. We will do it everyone once and a while on a Saturday morning. IF and only if the kids are watching cartoons ok.

Other then that for us it is a no go.

We still co-sleep with our youngest.

He is the type of kid that if he naps or sleeps in, we are screwed on a decent bed time. Which then means we are screwed for any decent nookie time........He sleeps where he drops to begin with. Normally it is in the big comfy rocking chair.

There have been nights where he has woken up while we have still been in the middle of nookie time.....Where he stands outside the door and just screams. Mood Killer.

I think it is normal for kids and parents to do this dance to some extent.

Eventually they will draw two and two together.

I remember I used to get grossed out once I knew what my parents closing the door and their heavy room latch locking meant. Once it got to be too much for me to handle/stomach....I took the room in the basement. Never having to connect two and two again.

As long as you are not screaming and hollerin' leaving the door open for them to walk in, I would think stepping out of the room to have a quickie is not only ok....but needed. It can release tension and frustration(doing so in the middle of the day will help you relax and have a pleasant evening)........which is good for everyone involved.......Kids wont need to know what sparked the good mood, just go with it.

Only rule we have is too not be gross and obnoxious about it.

Never thought back when I was a kid, trying to block out hearing them lock their door to do their deed........That I too one day would be trying to make sure not to draw any attention to the shutting door.

Bow Chicka wow wowwwwww:)

Well, I don't have older children, but I don't think there's a problem with it. I mean, if you are doing it at a time when they don't care or wouldn't even question where you were it's fine. Kids need to know that sex is healthy and it means you love each other and have a good relationship...most of the time. Yes, kids will not want to know...so if they have figured this out and you think it makes them uncomfortable or you feel odd about it, then just do it at night or in the morning when you wake up. Otherwise just do whatever works.

oh sure. lock the door and go at it. if they knock, tell them 'in a few minutes.' it's rare but possible that you'll have to stop, just be prepared to be philosophical about it.
it's always made me a little eeky, to be honest, and probably not as much fun for me as when i can totally focus on going at it. but still enough fun to be worthwhile<G>. oddly enough, it's my much more retiring dh who's the first one to suggest 'just lock the door!'
:D khairete
S.

I personally would wait until the kids were asleep. Your stepkids just happen to be at a really awkward age where all things sexual are concerned.

13 & 10, oh, they know. Or at least suspect.

It's up to you & your comfort level on choices like this. :)

I haven't, but I only have a 5 year old. My parents did it all the time, it was gross to us, but we knew not to bug them when the door was locked.

Good that you will speak to your husband about it...n fact its better, i have a 3 year old daughter, though i know at this age she can't imagine whats happening inside a locked door,still we always wait for her to sleep....but it was just once that we did when she was awake...my husband put her fav cartoon on youtube, then we both went to the bedroom and locked the door...were enjoying it but then at that moment she came and started knocking, and crying....huh!!!...that was that....i lost the mood...my thought went to why she was crying,,,, though my husband was trying that i too could enjoy like him,,,( MEN ARE MEN) i couldn't...( after all --- MOM).....

Told him to stop,....so that was the first and last time i ever attempted it when she was awake....after all what is sex if you couldn't enjoy it.... :-P

Kids know what's going on....they just do. It is "gross" to think of their parents having "relations". It's also a little unfair and selfish to not take into consideration their presence and right in the home. Timing is everything and being fun loving newlyweds is a great time but when you have kids, you have to shelf the passionate moments for appopriate moments...yes they are sometimes moments. By all means I am not perfect....I speak from absolute experience and speak on behalf of my children expressing themselves to me early on. Gladly they feel comfortable discussing anything that is uncomfortable to them...we have a fun loving and appropriately open household that is full of lots of hugs and laughs. My husband and I are very expressive with verbal I love you's and sweet warm hugs but learned a long time ago that just because it is 11:00 may not even be "Geen light" time. Its seriously a moment to moment thing with kids...
Enjoy the moments when they come and a fun way to think about it when you can't is how great it is to let it build and those cute smiles and winks that make life and love so juvenille and thrilling.

Happy marriage to you :)