We have been married for almost 20 years, 2 teenage children. For the past few years my wife is refusing any physical intimacy with me and I am devestated over this. We have talked about (she says she does not have a drive and not emotianally attached to me anymore). She knows that sex means a lot to me and even suggested I go outside of marriage to get some which I have been resisting. Guys will say, oh man, that's a perfect combination, but I am reluctant as I want to make love to my wife and not go out just for the sake of having sex. Our marriage is tense over this issue to the point of me having constant anxiety attacks, which she thinks I am faking. I am not but arguing with her about it makes no sense. Makes me feel that is her defense mechanism to keep me at bay. We took some counseling but it did not work out well. More accusations then constructive conversation. I am very unhappy and told her so yet it appears she does not care. Any advice is helpful as I have seriously began to contemplate divorce. Thank you.
the only answer is to go to counseling and see if there is anything left to build on. if she won't agree, go on your own.
good luck.
khairete
S.
Military Mom answered this really well (kudos to you Military Mom!)
Not sure I can add to that.
I think there's the early years when the kids are little and that's exhausting, but (hopefully) dads are involved and you're a team, in it together, united and getting through it. It's like boot camp - you bond.
Teens are a different matter. Moms are more tired. Often (some) dads leave teens to moms and the teen woes - and it's just another kind of (more mental) stress. My husband God love him, helps out with the teen stress. Some dads screw off at this point in time. Make sure you are not doing that. Especially if you have girls. Don't leave it all to your wife. Make sure you help out in other ways. It's hard on the head.
So I mean - this goes beyond your needs. Don't be needy. Take the anxiety attacks out of it. Don't put that on her plate. I mean, if you really are having them then go see your doctor, go see a therapist, you deal with it. Moms of teens are already busy and stressed.
For me personally - my husband is attractive because he adds to our family and to my life. If I felt he was causing me grief (if I thought he was going to leave me) then I'd be stressed. Stress is a turn off. You must realize this. Can you just shelve your thoughts and get some counseling - because obviously there is stuff you can do to make this better. It takes two. You must be playing a part in this somehow.
Once you go get some counseling (sounds like you need it for your anxiety anyhow), then suggest she go to some marriage counseling with you (once you've put in some time and effort on your own).
That would be my suggestion. Best to you. Hope it works out.
If you sincerely want to save your marriage, you have to go back to counseling. If the first counselor wasn't helpful, fine someone else. It's clear that you and your wife are no longer intimate (that is, you no longer communicate your thoughts and needs to each other in a way that allows you to feel close emotionally), and you won't be able to fix your sex life until you fix that problem.
You might want to ask her why she doesn't want to be physically intimate with you any more. And then be totally quiet and listen to her full answer, without arguing or disagreeing or saying anything. Then think long and hard about what she said before responding. And yes, counseling is probably in order.
For women, sex is quite often tied to emotional intimacy. Lots of my older friends have found their sex drive waning, but then they rediscover it in a new relationship. So the drive is usually there, it just needs to be nurtured. You might find that with the right kind of nurturing, your wife might get turned on to you again. Find out what she needs, and be open to it.
Other than that, you need to wait until your kids are grown to leave.
The fact that she told you to go get it somewhere else means she doesn't care anymore. She's done. A woman who still wants to be with you doesn't do that.
I don't know why she doesn't just come out and say it but it's probably because that means she would have to actually DO something about it and I'm guessing she doesn't want to split up because of the stigma and how it would affect her lifestyle.
I'm not going to judge or guess who's "fault" it is that it's come to this but I will tell you this: the day I realized I wouldn't care if my husband met another woman was the day I realized I needed to leave. As hard as it was (especially on my kids, who were 16 to 22 at the time) at least it was honest, and my kids have seen that.
Please find someone you can talk to, a therapist or a pastor. She might need to see a doc too. Was your lovelife always thin? Or was it great then one day her "sex drive" turned off?
I feel badly for you.
welcome to Mamapedia.
Your marriage is in DEEP DO-DO. You're wife isn't "in love" with you anymore - that's why she told you she's not "emotionally attached" to you - that means she's NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU.
Sounds like she needs a mental health assessment - as she may be going to menopause and it's causing her to be depressed, etc. PLEASE get her to an OB/GYN and tell them what is going on - have her tested for hormones, etc. see if there's a PHYSICAL or CHEMICAL issue (my mom had 2 years of utter emotional crisis when she went through menopause and she had already had a hysterectomy at 36 - way before technology is what it is today).
She can't MAKE you feel anything. YOU are ALLOWING her to make you feel that way. She doesn't care. If she's not taking care of herself either, she may be depressed because of the chemical changes in her body from menopause.
if you are REALLY in the state of Virginia? DO NOT go out and have sex. She can get you for Adultery - as hard as it may be to prove - DO NOT be the adulterer. DO NOT.
Sounds like your marriage is over. Sorry to be rude or blunt. But yeah. Sounds like it is over. You've tried counseling. It didn't work. She's probably got someone on the side. Hire a Private Investigator and see. File for divorce.
Not sure what to tell your kids. There are some details they don't need to know. However, for YOU?? I'd see a counselor and make sure YOU are ready....get your affairs in order, make sure your finances are in order, talk with a family law lawyer and see what will happen to you if you divorce her. Information is power.
https://www.divorceknowledgebase.com/state-divorce-laws/d...
