I'm not sure what to think about this situation. I have a family in my daycare that is struggling with back talking from their 9 year old daughter. They recently brought her to my house one day when the grandmother was in town. She had been giving them flak. So they decided that the other kids could spend the day with grandma, but not her. At the time, I wanted to support them in their parenting. But I thought it seems a bit unfair towards me to be used as punishment. My house is supposed to be a good place to go, not a punishement!
Well I just got another call like that. They want to take the others bowling, but not her. This girl and I get a long fine. She's only in my house long enough to go back to sleep at 5:30 and by 8am I am taking her to school. Am I being sensitive? Or is this kind of creating me to be the bad guy?
Thank you everyone for your ideas and insights. My personal concern is that she would start seeing me as the "evil" babysitter. But I think those of you saying this has nothing to do with me are right. She's playing and laughing with my daughter. Because this is not my issue with her, I'm not going to keep her from enjoying her time here.
I am also on the fence about this. I don't think it's quite as bad as some of you. I just didn't want to open myself up for her transfering her angst from them to me because of the way they are using me. I don't think I'm in danger of that considering the good mood she's in. She did fine the other time too. So I think I'll just keep my mouth shut.
As a daycare provider, it's very touchy business when we dare to directly give parenting advice. I save those times for situations that I have no choice in the matter on. I think I'll back off on this one. And NO I am not willing to lose them. They have 2 preschoolers that are part of my normal crew of children and they are newly pregnant. One of theirs goes to school in the fall, just in time for the new baby to slip in.
If she isn't causing you problems, then I'd say look at it as you are being paid for a service. Trying to tell them how to parent isn't going to help anything.
Luckily I only have one child, but growing up in my house the rule was if one couldnot go then none could go OR if we were celebrating one person that person and one parent would go together and the rest would stay home. The "trouble maker" would probaly have a sore butt from a spanking and have other restrictions put on her (3 girls) based on the offense, not going out was just part of the no tv, games, outside play etc restrictions. I would talk to the parents and let them know you are not comfortable being punishment for the young girl. I will tell you now that you will probably lose them as a client once you have this conversation, maybe not right away but with in 30 days you will no longer be an option for them.
your choice how to look at it... Ethically, Morally, or Financially. If you can do with out the extra income, then I would flat out tell them this is not the best way to punish a child. If you want their, repeat biz, then dont say anything. If your a great daycare provider she wont see you as the "Punisher" just the act itself.
From their perspective, they're just leaving her with you as a trusted babysitter when she has disobeyed to the point that she needs to be punished; their choice of punishment is to deprive her of family outings, not necessarily sending her to your house as punishment. While I disagree with their choice of punishment, I understand it because they likely do not have any other "tools in their toolbox" to deal with this more effectively.
While I don't think that this is making you into the bad guy (indeed, I generally agree with the responses below, that the parents are alienating her), I would be more worried about what this girl is going through, and try to work on getting the parents to use a different parenting style/method, or different form of discipline. It can be tricky, and how well you know them may affect what you say and how you say it.
It won't be an easy conversation, but I think it can be beneficial to the parents and their daughter (individually and as a family), to get a different perspective. I wouldn't start off by complaining that you feel like you're a pawn, or that you worry that their daughter will start disliking you or start disliking to come over to your house; rather I'd start by saying that you are concerned about their daughter's attitude with them, her parents, and you would like to help them if possible, so that they don't have to exclude her from family functions as a way of punishment. You may recommend good parenting books to help them in this matter (Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp, and Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo are good ones), and perhaps in talking with them about their perspective of their daughter, her problems, their problems with their daughter, her problems in their family, and including your *lack* of problems with her, they may see that they may be contributing to her attitude problem.
Not saying it's all their fault, and their daughter is faultless, but just that they may actually be egging on her bad behavior, even though they think they are doing the right thing in their actions, attitudes, and punishment. My sister has a stepson, and she constantly has problems with him whenever he comes to see his dad, with the problems usually starting within just a few hours of his arrival. She can't see that she is contributing to his bad attitude by the way she has treated him in the past and continues to treat him. She marveled at the easy way I handle him, but wouldn't actually change her thoughts, actions, and attitudes to be more similar to mine ("that's easy for *you* to do -- *you* don't have to deal with him all day every day"). Last year I asked him why he was so nice to me and so irritating to my sister (I could tell that he was pushing her buttons, playing her like a piano), and he said straight up, that I treated him with respect while she didn't, so he treated me with respect and not her. I wonder if this little girl feels like she is being treated disrespectfully, and is responding in kind. Not that I think it's an excuse, per se, but it is an explanation, and if it is so, and the parents can start treating her differently, they may see a marvelous change in attitude from her. If they are still treating her like a baby, they may be getting immature behavior from her. They don't have to treat her as if she were an adult (certainly not! she is far from being an adult!), but if they are treating her poorly, that may be the largest part of their receiving poor treatment from her.
their parenting sucks....they are deliberately making her an outcast.
I would conference with them & tell them that you cannot be a part of their discipline plan. It's leaving you to be the enforcer....& that's their job.
If they move her to another babysitter, it's not that much of a loss for you.
You don't need to be an alternative to them doing their job. Not only are you not a punishment, you are not a parent. You are not the alternative to them dealing with their child's misbehavior. NO. NO, no, no, no, no.
This is a tough situation.
I don't think it's making you out to be the bad guy, but if you aren't comfortable with feeling in the middle, then certainly you have the right to say so.
I'm kind of on the fence about this in a way. I mean, Grandma is in town, one child is acting up, back talking and being disrespectful. Should that ruin the plans for everyone, or should the kid who is being rude not be allowed to go along?
Take the kid in spite of the behavior and what if the behavior continues while you're out? Everyone has to leave and cut their plans short, or just leave the kid at home in the first place to avoid public confrontation?
I don't know. I've known lots of kids who haven't really cared if no one else gets to go somewhere because of their behavior. It's not a negative consequence to them, it's a negative consequence for everyone else who didn't even exhibit the behavior. To me, it's not much of an incentive to straighten up when everyone else gets the same punishment for doing nothing. Misery loves company.
If it was one of my kids, I'd let the plans go on for the others. My kid would stay home with me. No TV. No lounging around in the privacy of a cushy bedroom. Every chore I could possibly think of would be done and then I'd think of some more. Things like scrubbing out trash cans with a sponge and a mom who isn't happy about being stuck at home for chores might be more effective.
If a 9 year old can't curb their smart mouth at least while Grandma is in town, they deserve to have a punishment. Grandma and the rest of the kids shouldn't be punished.
This is just my opinion and like I said, if you feel caught in the middle, say you aren't comfortable with it.
It doesn't seem to me that the girl feels like going to your house is such a bad thing, so you're not the "bad guy" at all.
I disapprove of "leaving kids out of stuff" as "discipline" rather than using discipline to teach having good behavior to participate in the stuff. So this would SERIOUSLY get under my skin too, especially if I was being used as the "negative consequence". The reason it won't be effective, is because this isn't even a negative consequence, she's fine while she's with you (as she should be), so it won't deter the behavior the next time. They're just being lazy and not dealing with her themselves. Interesting post! Bottom line, you can't tell them how to parent, so if you want their business, just take in their child and let it go. Dont' worry, you'll never be the bad guy, because you're not acting like a bad guy.
Wow. I'm stunned at their lack of any real parenting here. They are so out of ideas that they just dump their child somewhere, rather than working on new ways to discipliine her that are about teaching her new behavior and not just about exclusion. They will pay a heavy, heavy price in the next few years; I predict she'll figure, "I'm the outsider, so forget them, I'll do what I like because they'll exclude me no matter what so I'd just as soon do what I want."
To answer your question: They are making you not the bad guy but the dumping ground. Don't let them continue to use you as part of their so-called discipline. Can you have a policy of refusing to take a kid when there is less than a certain amount of notice? So they can't say, "She was bad yesterday, today she needs to stay with the sitter"? It would be hard, since this is your business, just to say, "I think your parenting is poor and your disciplinary choices need work," because they are clients.
When she's older, what will they do? Just lock her in her room while they all go out somewhere? Denying an outing is a legitimate consequence for bad behavior, but they have to make it happen on their own, not using you this way. If you like the parents OK other than on this front, see if they will be open to your giving them some good parenting books or talking to them about alternatives to leaving her out of outings.
I don't know that it's creating *you* to be the bad guy, but certainly your house is not going to be thought of as a nice place to go if she's being "sent" there while others are having fun. They aren't dealing with her behavior appropriately. I wouldn't be part of this. You are the daycare provider from 5:30-8am and her transportation to school. Period... not their boarding school.
Where do you find these crazy people??!
How awful. I can't even imagine the hurt this poor little girl is feeling, hence her attitude towards them. This will only get much worse.
You are not the bad guy but they are using you as a pawn. Tell them what you said here, that your place is not for punishment.
If they do leave, let this little girl know that she can come to you at any time. In 4 or 5 years you may have a runaway at your doorstep. My heart goes out to her.
I feel so bad for this little girl. I wonder how much she's ignored and left out at home if they are just willing to pawn her off on someone else. Your not the bad guy her parents are. Parenting is frustrating we all know but you don't just cast them away and go off for family fun. She's part of their family too. Its a wonder she has a bad attitude towards them. It goes both ways! No one is acting as they should. They need to sit her down patiently and explain why she's in trouble with love. So sad..
As for you, your not the bad guy and there's not much you can say or do that will change the situation. So accept her and be extra kind to her. Maybe that's just what she needs. Extra love. Give her a hug for me!
Wow this sounds really odd. It sounds like they just don't want to deal with her so they are paying you to do it.
Also, why is she spending the night if they are just going bowling? And why is she going to be "going back to sleep" at 5:30? I'm confused, she's 9, that's such an early bedtime even for an infant!
Sounds very sad and weird :(
Hello. I ran a licensed daycare for about 15 years. I would have felt like you, that I wouldn't have wanted my home to be a punishment. However, that being said, I would just make sure that her time with you is enjoyable and none of the problems at home sneak into your daycare. Also, I don't believe in taking family outings away from children. It is possible that they are showing a big difference between the children and the other kids are being treated more fairly than this one. I am not saying that this is for sure what is happening, but it is a possibility. I have seen it in other families. They should find another way to try and get through to her.
Good luck with this one.
K. K.
I don't think it is for you to allow or disallow. You are a childcare provider. If they are asking you to provide care at a time you are available/open and they are paying your going rate for that time then that is all that concerns you. Should they be using the daycare as a punishment, absolutely not. I get depriving her of fun activities as a punishment but they should insure that she is stuck at home or just watching and bored.
Is there any chance she is misbehaving at home so she can come to your house instead of being with her family? Maybe they dont treat her with much respect when with her and shes tired of it, but at your house you treat her fine, and she has fun with your daughter. The fact that they want to get rid of her so often must make her prefer someone who is happy to see her.
