Should I Be Raising My Niece?

Right now it seems like you have all the drawbacks of being her guardian, but none of the benefits. It also sounds like it's time for the situation to change. As in either no longer be raising her, or to get full legal guardianship.

How can someone (your husband) deny a child especially since she is your niece? Is she a troubled child? I can understand your husbands frustration about your brother but this is not the child's fault. You said your husband doesn't want her because he doesn't want another child so it doesn't sound like the child did anything in particular or is a trouble maker. Can you try talking to him again & ask him how he would feel if it was his own daughter, someone has to be her advocate.

She is your family. Your blood. You have every right to raise this child. I would ditch your husband before I would ditch this child. It's the challenging times and the hard decisions that show the strength and moral character of an individual. I raised my niece for 9 years. It was the best and most precious thing that life has ever challenged me with... She was not easy, but she was worth it. She is an honor student in college now and an amazing writer. I'm so ridiculously proud of her and her struggles and her triumphs. I hope that should something happen to me, someone, somewhere would take in the 2-year-old daughter I have now. It sickens me to think that she would be raised in the social system rather than with family.

If you become a foster parent to your niece, you might qualify for some government funding. Perhaps if there were some financial support, your husband might be more for it. Best of luck!

request legal guardianship, it may snap some reality into him, or he may say yes. if you are raising her anyway make it legal.

If you can, convince your husband to agree to raise her. I am happy that foster care lead to adoption for her sister, but lets face it, for an 11 year old that has already been shuffled around quite a bit, putting her back into the system is a one way street to NO FUTURE AT ALL. She will end up where her mother is.
I don't want to bash you hubby, I am sure he is a good man, and he may have good reasons not to want another child, but REALLY!? Not even guardianship? You would not even have a legal obligation to pay for her college or anything but clothes and food. He doesn't have that in him?
If you call CPS, she will likely go back into the system...
I hope your hubby changes his mind...
Good luck.

At the very least, you need to have a legal document from your brother stating that you are at least the "temporary guardian" for medical reasons. I think you really need to have a heart to heart with your husband. Explain it in a way that if something were to happen to you two, and, you had no plans, would he want your children to feel unwanted? This girl is all alone, and, needs a home. Unless she is a burden, which, it really doesn't sound like she is, why can't you be her home? Is it financial? When she is old enough, she can get a job and help out. For now though, she is old enough to pitch in around the house for you guys and "do her part" to earn her a place. I'm sure she will be more than obliged if she gets a "home" in return and people that actually want her.

Talk to him and see if he will sign over custody or at least guardianship to you.

My heart breaks for your niece. You stated that your daughter loves her cousin and I am sure your daughter would not want to see her cousin suffer further by going to foster care. Right now you are your daughters single most important role model and she sees all that you do for her cousin. Explain this to your hubby. How would your daughter feel knowing that you can take care of her cousin but just dont want to deal with the "situation". A child is not a "situation", she is innocent in all this. I hope that he can open his heart to this child.

Has your husband watched The Blind Side yet? If not, rent it and see if maybe it'll melt his heart a bit! He's obviously a good guy for being willing to take in the child... but how much better if you two became her legal guardians. Good luck to you and God bless.

You're so right when you say that you cannot change someone's behavior/character! It's sad to see people not taking responsibility for their actions, especially when it comes to parenthood. Your brother will continue to be irresponsible until he chooses to change; if he chooses to change. YOU are the better person who's also doing the right thing. Thanks to you, this girl has a home to come to and someone to call family; we all know how important this is in a child's life! Doing the right thing is not easy, nor is it for all. Some people really believe that they shouldn't do more than they have to; but not you. Since you're not single, all decisions should be agreed upon both partners. It's times like this when you find out the true character in those who surround you.
The best of luck to you and your niece. Do keep in mind at all times that you're the better person, who's also doing the right thing!!!

Why doesn't your husband want to become her guardian? I understand, I suppose, that it's more work, but when you see a child in need, especially family, you step up and marriage means you "buy in" to a family, warts and all and you man up and step up to do what's needed when you have to. This poor girl needs a family and to know that NO ONE wants her has got to be devastating. She needs you to be her family or she needs a family who will love and take her. Your brother, sorry for the bluntness, is not a father, will never man up, and you already know he cannot be counted on to be a father, so expecting anything different is a waste of your time. Your husband is proving one more time to this little girl that she cannot count on anyone. Would it help to remind him that he has the opportunity to do something really great for this girl and to teach your children about family, love, commitment and honor by doing the right thing for your neice?
Is there any other family member who can step up and take her if you can't?
I'm sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation.

I would ask for guardianship. Hands down. If you are already raising her, then there could be some issues if she ever got hurt and your couldn't get a hold of your mom. I've had a friend take in her nephew and she was refused service because she wasn't the parent or guardian.

I feel for your niece. Please, go ahead and do what's in your heart. Forget about your brother. Everyone's concern should be focused on this child. She needs to feel loved and wanted so she can grow up to be a confident and kind adult. Take her in and give her the love every child deserves.

This is exactly like deciding to have another child - your husband has to be on board, too. If he doesn't want to raise your niece, you should not force him to.
And even if you both decide to try this, your brother may not cooperate. I'm not sure if you can petition for custody based on abandonment. If he has abandoned her, I'm not sure if her mother might have a chance of gaining custody before you do. If your husband agrees to try for custody, you should talk to a lawyer.

Will you regret it if your turn her away? What will this do to you daughter who
loves her? You are saint.
You probably will go on as is and be glad later.

Hello, I would talk to your mother and see how she feels about you taking custody of your niece. She might feel relieved. She could have her over when she is feeling up to it. Your niece then, would get a feeling of belonging. You can get legal guardianship (at least temporary) and then once that is in place, you can file for AFDC to help with raising her. I would explain this to your husband. My husband and I had legal guardianship of one of our grandsons. He is now with his parents. In March, my husband passed away suddenly. My grandson and his parents moved in with me to help with finances and also help themselves financially. It is working out very well. Remember that everything you do has to be in the best interest of your niece. She is even old enough to talk to and see how she feels about it. I would explain that her father will still always be her father so that she doesn't feel like she is doing something mean to him or will hurt his feelings. That can be important to a child.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

If you can take care of this girl do so but realize that you may have to buy her the clothes she needs some one to love her maybe you can talk to your brother hope it works good luck A. no hills

I think if you have his daughter most of the time and he leaves the state, you should talk to your husband and consider full custody or guardianship. The state will help facilitate healthcare and what not for her. You may even receive a stipend. I would check into it. Remove his rights as well as the mothers. He doesn't seem to care, then he doesn't need to be a part of her life.

Hi - this is such a sad situation. I definitely think you should do all that you can. There will be moments of frustration on your end and your husband, but if you just keep in mind that she gets hurt the most. If she knows you and your husband are frustrated with teh "situation" she will begin to feel isolated, unwanted and very alone. I raised my niece and nephew because my sister and her ex were both addicted to drugs. It was very hard and at times I felt angry and resentful. I was a single mom and found myself having to by everything generic etc... anyway, I share this with you because today I have alot of guilt. I spoke up enough that after 2 years their father came and took them. 4 months later my niece was hit by a car (in her father's care) and in a coma for 6 months. Long story short, she came back to live with me (CPS awarded me temporary custody)... This story is very long, but teh short end of the story is this... the kids are not with me becuase now both parents are off drugs. But, I know that I could still be providing better care and they would have turned out much differently. Love your niece and treat her as her own. Her own father, mother, foster parents and grandmother is not there for her and giving her the love that every child deserves. I understand your husband, but if he could find it in himself to give her a "family" home, then you have just increased her chances in life. All the best and I will keep you and the family in my prayers.

Ask your brother about adopting her. He obviously wants nothing to do with raising his own children. Familial adoption sounds like the way to go. Then your hubby would stop resenting it because she becomes YOUR daughter, not his.

Take your brother to court. Is there any child support for the child? If not, someone better find a way to get that. You need to prove that your mother and brother are not suitable guardians for her. Will your husband agree to Foster her and then you might get some omoney from the state. I really don't know how it works, but there should be a way to get money from the brother. Does he work? They can garnish his wages...if he works.
But, I do agree that she is blood and the things that happen to her now, are the things that are going to effect her future and her self worth. She needs a postitive enviornment (like any child needs) and a place to call home. Hopefully your husband will understand.
Good luck to you!

If it were my niece i would raise her..imagine how she must feel..and now in a home where her aunts husband resents her being there..if your husband is going to make life difficult for her then i would seek help..you are fostering her so you could possibly check with foster care representatives to see if you can get financial help from the government.

Your niece needs to be taken away from your brother. It would make sense for you to become her legal guardian. You and hubby need to decide together if this is what you want to do and what you're willing to do to make that happen.

You should ask your brother to sign over legal custody to you. If he refuses, are you willing to report him to CPS and possible have your niece put in foster care?

If this were me, she would be living with me and my family. She is your flesh and blood. She's already been through so much already, including losing a mother, father and four siblings. I don't know what to tell you but I would start working on your husband, including his attitude toward helping her.

My niece and nephew lived with us twice, for a few months each time. I would gladly have taken them on permanently if their parents had agreed. I have two friends who legally adopted their nieces or nephews; a niece in one case, and two nephews and a niece in another case. Both families already had children of their own, are beyond happy, and would do it again in a heartbeat. If your gut tells you that she belongs with you, your husband agrees, and you can convince her dad OR the court that she's better off with you, I say, go for it! Good luck and God bless!

Updated

I went back and read some of the other responses, and your "So What Happened?" conclusion, and thought I'd put in more of my 2 cents.

I think some other responders are being a bit harsh in their assessment of your husband. Men's brains are simply hardwired differently than women's are. Sometimes, that means that men and women look at each other's reasoning or actions and decide that something is WRONG, when it's just brain chemistry.

The reason many men seem overly cautious and less than enthusiastic about having kids, or adding more kids to the family, is that they are hardwired to see Responsibility (and I've capitalized that on purpose) where women see Opportunity For Nurturing. Neither of you is wrong - it's the flip side of the same coin.

A woman, especially a mom, will look at your niece and see a child in need. They will want to love her, feed her, teach her, bond with her and give her opportunities. A man will look at her and see a lifetime of responsibilities. He'll see a child he didn't plan for and worry, do we have enough money, love, space, discipline and patience to go around? Helping someone else's child is different than having legal responsibility. He's probably thinking: What if she gets in trouble with the law? What if she hits your other kids? What if she gets pregnant? What if she starts smoking or doing drugs or drinking? Even if there's never any problems, what if she needs braces? What about college - it's just a few years away. Can we send her to college and manage to save so our other kids can go? We never planned on this many kids. What about driving? What about when she gets married? The entire future looks very scary and very expensive to him right now. That's OK; he's not being cold hearted; men are just created that way.

Something he might want to consider is that becoming legal guardians, foster parents or adoptive parents offers perks and protection you don't have otherwise. Getting a check every month helps, even if it doesn't cover all expenses, plus she'd be eligible for programs (offering school clothes and supplies, maybe insurance and scholarships) designed for foster and adoptive kids, programs that she can't take advantage of now, since her biological dad has custody. Plus, since neither you nor your mom has a legal right to have her in your care, all it would take is for your brother to get angry and file charges of kidnapping, and she'd be gone and you'd be defending yourself in court. When we had a niece and nephew live with us, we learned a lot from a (free) consultation with a family law attorney - you might want to consider that.

When I was listing families I knew that had adopted nieces or nephews, I forgot to even think about one of my best friends - I forget that two of her kids are her niece and nephew. I just think of them as hers. Her husband is the biological dad of only 1 of their 6 kids. Sometimes he annoys me, but I gotta give him points for being willing to parent them all!

If all you can do is let her "crash" at your house occasionally, or take her shopping every now and then, please know that that is still HUGE!!! Just knowing that you love her and have her back will make a huge difference in her life! She'll be an adult in a few short years, and having someone in her life being an example of a functioning adult will be invaluable.

God bless!!! Hang in there - it's all worth the aggravation.