Should I Leave My Husband? - Salt Lake City,UT

Hi M.: You have a ton of messages and I bet some really good advice. I read that he has left and that you are still worried about a number of things. There are domestic violence centers all over and they do a lot more than just shelter people. they can help you plan and find resources and options. Call the national DV hotline 1-800-799-SAFE and they will give you the phone number for the DV Center nearest you. I worked in a DV crisis center for 9 years before quitting in nov 08 to be home with my baby. I have seen some amazing women do amazing things.

Ummm... leave. Don't be a victim. Stand up for yourself and find ways to empower yourself. He is not the only reason you're alive and breathing.

Please stay strong. You can do this, for your sake and your daughter's. She can't understand right now, and so of course she asks for him. This is so very hard on you, try not to let it get to you. Tell yourself that you are doing this for her as much as yourself. Tell yourself every morning how strong you are and really try to imagine what that feels like. Smile at yourself in the mirror. You are not alone in the world, although it may feel like you are now. It's going to get better. With him, it wouldn't. You are doing the right thing, hard as it is. You are going to be ok. Sending you best wishes. Try to remember the person you were before. You can get back on track. Good luck, you can do this.

Hi M.,
I so sorry about your situation. Have you ever considered joining a MOPs group? It was a perfect outlet for me to be around other moms and the have daycare, so you bring you child and get 2 hours of connecting with other moms. I go to the one at Colorado Community Church and it meets everyother Friday, Oct 2 is our next gathering. Or go to their website to find one near you http://www.mops.org/
I hope that helps.
L.

Hi M.--
There's is no doubt that you are in an abusive relationship and you should get out. My mother went through this when I was a small child and I am forever grateful that she had the strength to get out and quite possibly save both our lives. It was a difficult time--especially because back in the seventies there was no such thing as a restraining order or any protection for abused women. However, there is all kinds of help now. I took the liberty of looking up the battered women's shelter in your area. Here is the information:

322 E 300 S
Salt Lake City, UT 84111-2605
###-###-####

They have transitional housing for women and children just like you that need a p lace to stay while they get on their feet. They have programs to help you get on your feet. If nothing else, please call. It is NOT going to get bettter. He is NOT going to change. You will never have the family life and husband you deserve until you get out of this current situation. Call your old friends. They will understand and they will help. The mama's on this website will help. I am in Colorado, but I will do what I can from here. Do not tell him you are leaving---just do it. Call the shelter first and they can give you pointers on how best to get out.

Know that you do not deserve this and you have done nothing wrong. You are a great mother and a strong woman and you can find the love and life that you want---but only be getting out of this situation first.

Good luck. Don't hesitate to ask for more help!!!!!!
J.

I know too well that this is a very hard time for your family! He is abusing you mentally and physically and you all deserve so much more. He wants you to believe that you have no other options at hand. Please look into this more because there are other options out there! Have more respect for yourself then this. I just went threw this with my ex husband and I have three kids by myself, but we all have self-esteem. I went and spoke to councelors time after time until I got up enough nerve to leave. If I did it then you can to. The state will offer you some assistance and I know there are other avenues. I know you are feeling so alone right now AND that is the way he wants it. I have done so many things that are wrong but I am set on making a new start. Just go and makes a fresh start for you two. Please think hard on this!

If he's physically abusing you, get out NOW! Look in the phone book for women's shelters. If you only have a cell phone to call from, use a neighbor's phone or go to a payphone if you don't want him to know you called. There are places that will come pick you up if need be. Get out! Who's to say he won't start in on your baby next?
*Just read your update* Can you find a local women's shelter to live for a while until you can find a job & a place to live? If you're afraid he won't pay the rent, I'd look into that.

On the basis of what you write I would answer this: You are lonely, but that isn't your biggest problem. Your biggest problem is that your husband is abusing you. When he hits you, starves you, drives your friends away, and calls you no good, that is bad treatment, so matter what the excuse. I can't tell you if he is ill or if there is some other reason for his attitudes and actions, but this is not a good environment for you, and I would be scared to think what might happen to your daughter. Marriage is important, but survival is, too, and you need to find a way out of this danger. Please, please find a counselor near you that you can talk to, even over the telephone. If you're a church-goer, start there (they won't be shocked). If that's not the case, call your local resource for women. Some communities have shelters or homes where women in your situation may move to with their children and be safe. The first step may be the hardest, because it's when you don't feel as if you can do anything. You may feel you don't have any friends right now, but you'll be surprised eventually at what a friend-attracting person you are deep down. Right now you have friends you don't know about, and you need to take the first step toward safety for yourself and your little girl. You both are in my prayers!

You have a lot of great advice here. I just want to say, you can do it. Right now you may feel alone and like you can't do it but... there are programs out there to help you go to school and even with child care so that you can get a great job. Check out lds social services. They can help you with food, job training etc. even if you aren't a member of the lds church. Downtown SLC there are all kinds of services and help they can give you. You can do this.... you have been beaten down for a few years but just believe in yourself, think positively and know we are all pulling for you! God knows you and wants to help you... he will guide you to help.

I am sad to hear about what your going through. My advice is to try marriage counciling then if that doesn't work then you may just need to find some independence and leave him.

It breaks my heart to hear this...your a person and should be treated better...call me and we can chat..I have some marrital drama of my own but not like this..I would love to offer support to you and your girl...we all need frinds or at least someone to talk to ###-###-#### is my number or we can instant msg if your more comfortable at ____@____.com can also meet and chat...I am not trying to be weird but I hate to hear that you have no one.I am married but me and my husband don't talk bcz I won't let him in and its been that way for so long I often have no one to vent too and I know how hard that can be ;(

hi this is S.. what you are going throw is not an easy thing i hade the same problem before the only thing is i didnt have a child yet. i think you should leave your husband. there are many places to go that will be able to help you out if you live in the colorado springs area you can go to tesa a womens help facility and i would start looking for a job and daycare you can go to a goverment assistan place to get medicaid, help with child care and also cash assictance. if you need some one to talk to or help finding some help send me an e-mail ____@____.com just put a note on the e-mail that you are from mamasource i hope every thing works out for you and if you do go to do any of these things keep it from your husband he may get very angree also go get divorce papers tell them you can not pay for it and they will help you with the coast. good luck

M.,

Sorry I am late to reply. I just read your post and have to say that I am so, so, so sorry that you are in such a hard place in your life. You must be incredibly strong and so loving towards your daughter to be getting help. GOOD FOR YOU! I can't imagine what you are going through, but please know that I am (as well as many, many other people out there!) thinking of you and sending you all my good thoughts and strength.
You received many good suggestions and I am happy to hear he is out of your house. I don’t know what I can offer you but my thoughts and hope that you will be able to stay safe and strong for your daughter.
As hard as it has to be, when your look at your daughter, no matter what kind of mood she is in, try to think of nothing but the love you have for her and what an amazing gift you are giving her of finding your freedom from an abusive relationship. She will take your love and strength and have it as a foundation for her life.
Just know that you are loved and if you need anything please feel free to contact me, even to just talk- you ROCK (and as a side note… 105 lbs? Amazing! I am sure you are beautiful!!! Every time I see my stretch marks, I think of the amazing kids I got out of them… I wouldn’t trade them for my kids any day) Soak in only good things now :)

I had been through this before.. I would recommend u to contact Tessa ph nbr is ###-###-####... they will help u... hope this help u.. From a friend!

M., I am so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this and you feel so all alone. But I truly feel there is never, never, never a reason to stay with someone who physically abuses you, and so often once the children are older, the abuser starts abusing them too. I know you don't want that for your daughter. There are shelters out there where you can go to get away from this monster, once an abuser, always an abuser. I know you feel alone, but being all alone without your husband is better than being with someone who doesn't love you and puts you down and beats you. Take courage. Know that God is always with you and you will have mamasource moms out here to support you. If your friends were chased away by your husband, I would be willing to bet that if they knew what was really going on behind closed doors, they would welcome you back. Be careful about what you say to him. Get advice from a local shelter and get away from him as quickly as possible!

God Bless you!
H.

M.-Where are you parents? Or any family members at that? You need to contact your family and get some help from them until you can get back on your feet. I am so sorry this is happening. I hope you can get help and I would love to hear of you getting help and not just sitting there hoping for help. It sounds like this guy shouldn't be in your life at all. I saw someone wrote that your daughter shouldn't grow up thinking that is how women are treated, because it is true. My husband makes sure I get to get out and have friends and in turn I love it that he has his basketball nights and gets out to get a release. Please find some help and please let your family in on this. I don't know the family situation, but wow I am worried about you and I don't even know you. I hope that something can be worked out for you and your daughter, but not with your husband. It sounds like a very unhealthy situation.

Oh Sweetie, I am so sorry to hear this. Look at it this way, would you want your daughter to grow up thinking that this kind of relationship is okay and healthy? Your daughter will follow in your footsteps and if you want her to be a strong and independent women who stands up for herself and what she believes in then you will leave.
You need to be happy for your daughter , bottom line. Be strong girl!

I am so sorry for the situation you are in. It sounds like you are miserable and not being respected. I think you should do everything to get out and save your daughter from being treated the same way. You could always go to a battered woman's shelter and see if they could help until you get on your feet and find a job. Maybe try contacting some of your old friends to explain the situation and see if they can help. I also don't know if you have a church nearby you either attend or could go to for help getting out of the situation. I hope you can do whatever you feel is best for you and your daughter and not worry anybody else. Best of luck.

God Bless,
R.

M. - check the phonebook for local support groups. There is much help available. Most communitites have women's centers that will help. Your daughter is young and the pain will diminish over time. Your husband needs help before he seriously hurts someone. You don't want that someone to be you or your beautiful little girl.

YES!! If he pushes you around now, he will continue to do it! Its not going to stop and he most likely will not change! I am sorry to sound so negative, but I try to be a realist. Also, your daughter is soaking everything in! Even if you dont think she hears it or understands it... I would hate her to grow up remembering her dad doing that stuff, rather the good things. Even if that means splitting up and sharing custody. Sorry, that kind of stuff fires me up! Listen to your instinct.. It will tell you what to do!
Ps- a stay at home mom is very hard work and dont let anybody tell you otherwise. And fat at 105? Give me a break!! Be strong, girl!

Hey sweetie! I am so sorry that you are going through this. As a mom you have to do what is best for you and your baby. If he is getting violent you cannot stand for it. There are lots of support groups out there. Are you involved in a church group of some kind? You need to think of it like this, if your daughter was going through this what would you tell her to do. I am a stay at home mom as well and it is the hardest job in the world. Enjoyable but hard. You have to make sure not to get isolated. Are there playgroups in your area? As far as work I am sure there are people around who could help you. In my neighborhood there was a lady who would watch kids for only $1.75 an hour.There is help out there and you need to start looking around. You deserve more than this and so does your little girl. Good luck!!!

Consider this, every time he hits you, puts you down, etc what does that say to your daughter? Do you want her to feel the pain you are feeling now? Do you want her to go through what you are going through? Because she will if you stay with him. You are teaching her that this is normal, this is right. This isn't normal and it isn't right. Leave him. What happens when he decides that your daughter is a punching bag too?

It took me a lot to leave my ex, a lot. But I did it, leaving is possible.

Somehow you need to find a way to find some help and advice. You sound young and you sound lost, and if your story is true, your husband is abusing you. This will effect your daughter. I don't know where you live, but there are resources out there. Reach out to other women/mother (do you know of any play groups), as you are obviously doing here. If you live anywhere near Boulder you might contact the YWCA. They have lots of resources for women and children facing difficult situations. Others may have more specific suggestions. But the important thing is that you don't just put up with this and let it continue. This probably won't improve on its own. Take care of yourself and your daughter.

Yes, you should leave him. It will only get worse.

Believe in yourself. Stand up for yourself. If you can't do it for you, do it for DD. Leave, leave, leave and don't look back. Go to anyone you 'were' friends with - they are still friends just wondering where you've been the last couple years. Go to parents, go anywhere but don't stay with him. GL!!

I don't know if your husband is so controlling that you can't leave the house but if he isn't then go online find stay at home moms in your area and get together. I stay at home with with twin 2 1/2 year olds and I get out of the house just to keep my sanity. It makes the day go so much faster and then I come home, give them lunch and then off to bed. And then peace and quiet for an hour and a half.

You need to take time for yourself. I'm a knitter but usually only knit once they've gone to bed. I'm confused on why you stopped crocheting?

But if all he's doing is telling you how everything you do is wrong, and you're fat, and you can't go anywhere but I can, screw that. Or let him stay home with the kid for one full day and let him know what it's like. It sounds like you need to talk to some family and look it to leaving. No one deserves to be treated this way. NO ONE!!

E-mail me if you ever need to talk.

You should not be in a relationship where this is happening. It is awful for you and your child. Stay away from him if he treats you this way. There are so many resources out there. If you are in utah you can try calling 211 and get some resource information. No one deserves to be pushed around....EVER! good luck, I know its hard to leave when you feel you have no where to go. But it will be much better in the long run.

Even if your husband leaves the house, you still may not be safe. You should try calling your friends that were "chased away" and see if they will help you. If they were true friends, they may just be waiting for you to come to your senses about your abusive husband. At least give it a try. If all else fails, you should definitely go to the battered women's shelter and work on getting a restraining order. I am afraid for you and your daughter. Please do what you have to do to protect your child.

Hi M.,
I just read what happened and I just wanted to tell you that you do NOT have to be divorced to start getting money from the father of your child. He is legally obligated to support her from the moment she is born. Go to legal aid. They can help you.
Take care,
B.

I feel awful for you. That is just absolutely uncalled for and you and your daughter deserve so much better. I know it's scary and you don't really want to hear it, but you need to leave. NOW. Like the above posters said, there are plenty of resources that will help, and hopefully you have parents that will help out, I am more than sure they would understand if you told them what was up. He may be only abusing you now but it WILL end up being on your child too, it always usually does. From a personal point of view, I grew up in a very abusive family and my mom never left him until I was older and I have a hard time liking her even to this day for it. I understand her situation but kids can't comprehend why mommy is staying with someone so mean. Do yourself and your child a favor hunny, get out while you still can. If you need to talk just shoot me an email.

If everything you are saying is accurate and true, then go to a women's shelter. They can show you how to get government money to live on until you can find a job to support yourself.

And don't date anyone or be around your husband until you have cleared your head. Don't blame all of your husband's behavior on yourself, but also don't blame it all on him. Something is wrong with both of you. With you, it may just be that you are codependent or from an abusive background. I have no idea, but you need to figure out now what is beneath all of this.

Obviously from your letter, it sounds like your husband is abusive, but then, I don't know you and how you behave towards him. I guarantee the woman's shelter will tell you to file for divorce and will try and give you counseling, etc. They will try to make you feel like a victim. Avoid a counselor like that. Feeling like a victim is never proactive and gets you nowhere.

The best thing you can do for everyone is try to pray and find a church for help. The church leaders can help you to spiritually heal, as well as provide you with food and money if needed.

Be careful who you choose for a counselor. Most counselors are not very good, from my experience. Religious counsel tends to be more practical and less into man = bad, woman = good.

Good luck,
Marci