Sibling Rivalry - Santa Rosa,CA

The book "Siblings without Rivalry" is fantastic. Read it and follow it. My kids are still too young, but I have used the methods with my daughter and her friends and it works (for the most part) there is no perfect solution. Good luck!

I read a great book before my second child was born and now I need to re-read it to get my 1 and 4 year old off to a better start. The name of the book is Siblings without Rivalry. It was really practical advise and has situational illustrations. I loaned it out and am working on getting it back.

Dear R.,

Umhum, you have got to get a handle on this and it has to be something that you yourself think is the right way to do it.

For one thing, you need to find a way to guide them into doing things for EACH OTHER, and UNDERSTANDING each other. They are in different stages of development and they need lots of guidance. Not nagging and harping and telling them to get along etc. That does not work.

So, go on all the sites that you can find that tell about moral development - Don't drown (sp?) in all of those hard to understand phrases. Just skim around and stick with the two different age groups. There is a good one called Maslow's Theory of Moral Development. It will help you understand each one. But do skim.

Also, go on About.com/pediatrician and see what they have to offer you, and www.drgreene.com too.

Figure out a way give each one her own time with you, uninterrupted, and it doesn't have to be more than 1/2 hour or maybe even 15 minutes. They might like to go for a walk with you both or one at a time. You and that daughter decide when your special time with her will be. When, by plan or just normals living one of the girls does something good for the other one, then give her a small reward, whether it is a 50Cent piece or a new barret or a tiny candy, just something quick and a smile and thanks for being a great sister. Quietly - no big deal, just something between you and the one who was kind. I tried that same thing with my boy and girl - they were being rowdy in the house and I would always say go outside to do that! Then, when they did it once without me telling them, I gave them a 50 cent piece, it didn't take long before they were doing that regularly without my nagging. Talk doesn't help, actions do. A smile and thank you from you is worth a million dollars. And a million moments of happiness now and down the line when real problems come. Get close and show them how to be real women.

I saw a beautiful program on Oprah a couple of years ago. It showed how an African Bush father
disciplined his children. He took that child for a walk and they talked together. He also did the same with a very spoiled American child too and that child ended up loving Vincent, the father. Umhum, that is right.

Remember we are their first love and they want to hear what we have to say about things, but not the bossy nagging - the intimate talking is what they love.

O.K.? C. N.

Read "Siblings Without Rivalry" . You will devour it in 3 days tops and the techniques are realistic and simple to understand-it makes sense.

I can say this. My sister and I had a terrible relationship when we were young. We said some very mean things to each other and sometimes even hit each other. I regret everything I ever said. I know that some sibling rivalry is normal but I do think it is important to teach your children that they should treat each other kindly. They are sisters and above all family. When they are fighting it not only affects them but all the family. If my mom would have spent a few minutes talking to my sister and me I think things would have been different. Maybe figuring out why they are always having negative behavior towards each other would help? Maybe one is jealous over the other? I would talk to them separately then jointly. Most importantly stress that a family is a team effort and everyone needs to do their part to create a loving home.

AS A Single parent that raised twin girls and a year later a boy, the only advice I am qualified to give is what worked for me. I found there was a lot of sibling rivalry with my three as well. I was raised that if I couldn't do for all my kids none of them recieved. The problem was that rarely did I have enough to do this, because I thought it meant buying them something. So, I had to come up with a way to individually make each child feel special and collectively as well. So, what I did was once a month one of my children would spend a night out with mom. That could be any number of activities that the individual child was interested in. For instance, one of my girls was a tom boy and loved all sorts of sports, so many times the focus would be in that direction. The other girl was a beauty queen and enjoyed stuff that had to do with clothes, hair, etc. Buying her that teen magazine or getting her hair curled or in her case straightened was a treat for her. My son enjoyed his friends more than the girls, probably because he didn't have any brothers, so, he always wanted to include one of his friends to hang out with us doing whatever.....

Friday night was our night out as a family. Because I lived in California then the drive in movies was a God send. I would pop up as much pop corn as a paper sack could hold, buy some soda pop and off we'd go. It was financially sound for me because back then the only person I had to pay for was myself. The kids used to get in free 12 and under.

As adults, I have heard them recount many times those Friday nights. Funny though, I have never heard them speak about those alone times with mom. I think those were more the growing times.

Have your own family traditions, wether its a weekly, or yearly. For instance, in Boston here where I now live it gets really cold during the winter months. The kids always outgrow coats, hats, scarfs and gloves. If the things were in decent shape we would make sure they were clean and bag them up. We would all make sandwiches of all sorts. Then as a family we would go down to the Boston Commons and the surrounding streets and pass these things out. There was never a shortage of those in need and it had a wonderful blessing attached to it. Giving is a gift, even if the gift is just your time. Sometimes it was a neighbor who needed some help cleaning up a yard or any number of things we could go together as a family to help with.

So, to put it in a couple of words, spend individual time with each child on a consistant basis and then together as a family. You can find plenty that doesn't cost anything. Don't worry they will let you know when it's their turn out.

And Remember God is not finished with them yet.....or you for that matter.

That's a million dollar question, if there really is an answer to it. Each relationship varies along with varied Parental approaches. All I know is, children need "coaching" on their relationships with each other. A child's greatest strength is their Parents and siblings. Family. Or, it can be the opposite. If it is an asset, it can take most of their lives to learn, grow, heed our "advice", reflect, and really appreciate what a sibling is. Sometimes is takes until they are adults themselves to sort this out. But yes, it takes lots of energy to be a referee, and I know it's not easy, especially at this age. It will be ongoing. If it gets real bad... then perhaps an outside intermediary can help? Taking classes etc. together etc? Personally speaking, I had the same "problem" with my oldest sibling, like you describe with your own children. There is always a main instigator in any dynamic. And in my case, it was my sister. Only until adult-hood did we finally manage to get along. One day she finally told me that she was "jealous" of me ALL these years! But it was miserable... more for her. If only children are allowed to express themselves and have someone (anyone) who will "listen" to them and hear them out. This can de-flate and clarify a lot of useless friction. Children need to know they "count." That they "matter." Even as adults we need that. To a child, a "problem" can be anything, but it's important to THEM. To us adults, and to our adult mind, we forget what is important to a child's world. Sometimes the tiniest thing, can be a major upheaval to them and cause all kinds of unhappiness. At this age, or any age, they need to know someone is there for them, and yes, they do need intervention and guidance, and to know boundaries. It's not easy. Each child has their own personality and temperament. But 8 years old, is when they are changing and not wanting "little sister" to always tag along and be underfoot, from what I remember. Ages, and stages, and phases. I hope you will find great inspiration here. Sorry for rambling on. But this has been my experience. Hope it helped. Good luck.
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

Hi R.,

I have the same problem with my 5 and 2 year old. I just started reading this book called "Mom, Jason's Breathing On Me!" and it's helpful so far. One thing he says is don't take sides and only intervene when real harm or injury is being done/ about to be done. You can tell them both to stop or you will need to separate them, rather than telling one or the other to quit it. A big part of why they bicker is to get your attention and taking sides makes it worse. He mentions specific examples about one sibling trying to help and the other one getting mad about it. It's hard to condense what I've read into a short message. I got the book at the library and would reccommend it. Here's a link to the book at Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Jasons-Breathing-Me-Bickering/d...

Good luck to you!
Sincerely,
Heather C

Hi R. ~ I would have to say that I agree with the other ladies on this one, it appears you have gotten some pretty good advice. I have two daughters now 21 and almost 18 (in 2 months) and they sure have had their share of angry moments. The one thing I did (besides talking to them and explaining the importance of the "sister relationship" and treating all people with respect at all times) was when they were mean to each other, I gave the a hugging time out. I know now that it sounds strange, but at the time and in retrospect, I believe it's a great idea. When they were mean to each other or hurt each other, I made them hug for 10 minutes. Seriously, if they thought I would make them hug, they were so much nicer to each other. I think my youngest one was mean to her sister most of the time on purpose, just so they could hug. At their ages now, they laugh at me and say they can't believe they had to hug, but when they are with me and other women and they hear women talk about their children arguing and fussing with each other, both girls give the advice of "have your kids hug. My mom used to give us hugging time outs." I'm actually kind of proud of them. And you know what, they are very close. More like friends than sisters. And they are very comfortable with their affection towards each other. We can walk to the movies or dinner or anywhere really and my girls will hold hands, walk with their arms around each other, say "I love you sister". I think it worked pretty well for them. They still argue, but not nearly as bad as they did when they were at the ages of your daughters. And I hear from people all the time how they love how close my girls are and how they wished their kids were close like that. I think the hugging improved their relationship, but who knows. Anyway, good luck.

Great advice from all.

What I would add is an ounce of prevention. My daughters are 6 years apart and they still bicker on occasion. What I have learned is that for the most part they do it for a reason. One is manipulating the TV. One takes a toy without asking. One gets something that the other one wants, etc. If you can find out the reason and change something that will prevent the bickering then it will reduce the tension between the two girls. It doesn't eliminate it because when one is having a bad day or the other is tired there will still be issues. Prevent as much as you can and the rest will be easier to deal with.

My MIL has been crowned the master of equality. She can cut a piece of cake into two exactly equal parts (we've weighed & measured) with the same amount of frosting on each part. Rediculous? Perhaps. But she has raised two well adjusted, loving, self confident boys who know how to resolve differences.

Im hoping you get some good advice, cause i need it too. Im going through it with 3 kids. They are fighting right now. I can put the older 2 in thier rooms, but my 2 year old doesnt understand a thing, and hes the worst one.
Good Luck, i am going to read the responses you get so that i can apply them to our household.
A.!

I have 4 and all has been pretty well till these last two. She is 11 and he is 7. I am to the point after grounding, growling and grumbling that we are just letting it take it's course. One of them will lose. I thought it would be my son but it is looking like it might be my girl that might loose. We don't let them get as far as seriously hurting each other but a few punches have been shared. Last week sissy got the surprize of her life when she found jello in her jewerly box. she flipped out and we told her unless she had proof to not point fingers. Of course behind closed doors Mom and Dad were rolling. But, Bubby got a little piece of revenge.Let them go , one of them has to dominate and the other will learn to accept it. It's part of learning boundries and growing up. So I hear.

Our girls are REALLY close, but definitely also go through there 'mean spells.' THe relationship got noticably worse when the older one started school (of course).

We sit down with the girls and make sure they remember that 'sisters are forever,' the beauty and importance of sibling relationships, etc. We also try to make them look each other in the eyes when they are being mean to each other. Sometimes our older girl can't even do it, as she knows she's being horribly bossy! Its a good lesson for them.

And of course always remember to keep your own bickering and bossing to a minimum. As my partner is fond of saying, the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. This is the hardest thing for parents to stay honest about! Our examples are paramount!

Cheers!

Unfotunately I don't have any advice, but just wanted to let you know that I'm going through the same thing with 2 of my daughters (7 &3) and it is soo hard. I think as they get older thay will grow closer, but just try and find things to do all together and pray that it will help!

Girl, we deal with this issue every day.. we have 3 kids, oldest 11 girl/8 boy/6 boy - and girl, this will subside sooner than later.
There are times when we will intervene when it comes to verbiage alone, that is so rude and filled with anger. Either myself or my husband will separate the person involved, and have them breathe in their room- once you do it so much and consistency, they learn to behave better. Once they see it is not worth fighting over, and they are each other best friends- they come around.
The power of prayer sister!! I was a single mom for over 5 years until recently- so I know there is a God. He takes care of you and your sanity and your kids. Just pray and laugh more, and when you are happy- they will be also. Take care and this too shall pass :) You are a good mom, never forget that!

I have 2 very young sisters (10 & 9 years old) and they fight constantly. But I told my mom that she should remind both of them that they are sisters and they should treat each other with respect. Which means when one doesn't want help or just wants to be left alone they should do as they are asked (in a nice way of course) I always ask them if they treat thier friends like they way they treat each other. Because you should always treat your sister better than friends. Because they will always be sisters. I agree that you should sit with each one seperately and then togehter to figure out a common ground. Well I hope this helped even just a little. Good luck!

Try not to let them hear you argue or bicker with anyone and maybe try to find something they have in common that they can do together. I don't go to church now, but found it helpful when I was single and it taught my girls a lot about how to treat others. My sister's kids still argue at 14 and 17 and let me tell you, in only gets worse and more intense if you don't find a way to nip it in the bud now. You're on the right track asking questions and looking into what you can do differently. Whenever you see them having a tender moment together, praise them and tell them how happy it makes you to see them respect each other and you. It's hard being a single parent and that sort of tension doesn't make it fun. It will cause even more problems than you know once you're not single anymore. There may be some parenting classes offered in your community. I went to a 6 week class when I was newly single, just because I felt like I wanted to really be on top of things. You can't always control how they act, but you can control some consequences and boundaries. If one of the kids is physically or verbally abusive to the other, take away things like i-pods, cell phones, game boys, computers, television, or whatever they like a lot. A friend of mine will take a bedroom door right off the hinges if her teenage daughter is acting up. It leaves her little or no privacy and drives her insane. Sit them down and tell them ahead of time what the consequences will be. Make a chart if you want. Let them know you've had enough and it changes from that moment on because you're not going to budge on the consequences and they won't be able to talk them out of it. Do you watch Nanny 911 or any of those type of shows? There's another book I have heard of but haven't read myself called How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen.

I agree wthe other moms, your girls should show love & repsect towards each other & until they're older, it's something they need to be coached in. I like the hugging time out idea...I think I'll try that w/my boys. But, I'm going to throw out another approach here....don't get too involved in their bickering. Unless they're being physcially violent, I'd say try to stay out of it & remain as neutral as possible. Siblings fight. As much as we parents don't like it, it's a fact. Your girls still have plenty more years of 'fight' in their relationship but if you start getting too involved in it, it puts you in the middle. They'll both be coming at you w/what the other one did & then they'll expect you to say who was right & who was wrong about the problem. Encourage them to work it out themselves which will be hard for the 5 year old. Also try getting them to use 'I' phrases...I feel this way when you do ___. If they can't solve it, then take away whatever it was they were fighting over (if possible) or give them each a cooling off period away from each other. Then maybe later, at a neutral time, talk with them about how hurtful they were towards each other, that it hurts you to hear them be so hateful to each other. I know it will be hard to listen to & who knows when it will stop but at least they may have both learned the skills to talk it out. Hope this helps & good luck!