Silly Question but Need Help

You didn't ask a silly question at all! Honestly, I had to go back to work. I wish I could only work part-time or part-time plus, but I can't. Even so, after staying at home for 4 years, I'm definitely better when working.

We also have been using "P.E.T. Parent Effectiveness Training" that pairs well with "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen" recommended below. I also like "Parenting With Love and Logic." A common thread in all of them is staying calm! I easily slip into yelling when I'm frustrated and need alone time, so I've found the methods in those books to be very helpful with everything -discipline, communication -all of it! I have enjoyed being with my 4 year old more in the last month than I have in ages!

i had to start working from home. i know that sounds totally silly, but i NEEDED something so that i could feel like i was more than "just a mom". a mom is the best thing i ever did in my life, but i need something else too that i can proud of and good at to give me and ego boost. When i am doing good at something and i am feeling good about myself, i am a more loving and fun mom to my kids too.

I thought Scarlett had some good suggestions! I also want to say that what helps me the MOST is to get out of the house!!!! You don't have to go somewhere to spend money, you just have to leave. Honestly, I feel like if we have at least one activity almost every day it helps. We go somewhere like a playground or an activity and I can interact with them and I can't have other distractions like the TV or computer. Plus, it gives them experiences and it gives everyone things to talk about and questions to ask. It helps us comunicate at dinner time with daddy too b/c my daughter is better able to communicate what we've done when it's been outside the house.

I find I am a much better mother when I do the following:

- work out - this is a MUST. Hubby used to get irritated when I would leave him alone with the kids for 2 hours twice a week so I could run. He changed his mind when he saw how happy I was the rest of the day.

- pamper yourself at least once a week - manicure, pedi, bubble bath with the door CLOSED and a glass of wine. This includes allowing yourself some down time in front of the TV or computer.

- drink coffee - and lots of it

- eat healthy and often - you will run out of steam if you are not giving your body the fuel it needs

- go on a date with your hubby. You will find you cannot wait to see the kids after you have been gone being an "adult" for a few hours!

- just DO it - sit down with the kids for a game, force a smile, and play. Eventually, it will not be a forced smile. I promise.

- sit down and go through their baby books with them - my kids love this, and it brings back sweet memories and reminds us why we need to be patient and spend time with them - they grow so fast. My oldest boy loves to hear about when he was a "baby".

- try to find something to do that both you and the child enjoy. Every time my oldest wants to play star wars, I cringe. But, I usually grin and bear the sword fights for about 10-15 minutes. Then, we must switch to something I can better tolerate, like a board game. He is happy because he got a few minutes of Star Wars and a lot of mommy time in general. Bake cookies, do crafts, play games. My kids love to do flash cards and quiz me on our presidents and our state capitals....it is easy, I just have to sit there and answer, plus it brings back the knowledge I used to have in grade school!

- If you allow them to watch a movie, sit down and snuggle up and watch it with them. My kids love when I do this....and especially if I tickle their back and pamper them while I am sitting there. lol

- It will probably become easier for you in the warmer months - winter inside is hard with kids, I know.

- know you are a GOOD MOMMY - the fact that you are even asking this question shows your love for your kids. You are lucky to have them, and they you. =)

For me, it's a conscious decision to be patient and positive. It's not always easy, and I'm not saying I never yell. But when I feel like I control those emotions instead of just letting them happen, then I *am* more calm and happy.

Don't feel like you have to play with your kids all day. Of couse we need time alone to get stuff done....or just *breathe* and you don't want clingy, needy children, right? I don't EVER remember my mom playing with me. She had a household to run and I had sisters to play with!

The way I get involved with my kids is by doing things *I* like with them. They have each other to play barbies with for hours; I literally can't handle that. But we'll bake, cook dinner, play games, do crafts, have a 'dance party', or look up things they're interested in on-line. Sometimes I'll make some popcorn and we'll snuggle and watch a movie. Or I'll get them to help with a chore I'm doing, like laundry.

It's not about WHAT you do with your kids, just *be* with them and let them know that they're important to you.

Wow, this is an incredibly important and brave question – there's nothing silly about it! The changes you begin today will serve you and your children well as they go though their teens. Bravo!

Three terrific books I've read can help you achieve your goals:

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. My absolute favorite parenting book ever, wise, practical, doable, and effective. I use the principals with my 5yo grandson, and we're an amazing team. Other young families I've recommended this book to have seen amazing turnarounds in some very difficult behaviors in their children, and they love the new sense of connection the techniques have fostered in their homes.

Parenting Without Power Struggles by Susan Stiffelman, which is appropriately subtitled 'Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm and Connected. This one may not be a good philosophical fit for all parents, so I'd recomment checking it out at the library or reading online reviews at Amazon. But it's a thoughtful book that opened up some new and useful angles for me.

Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD. I haven't actually finished this one yet, but it is just lovely. And inspiring.

Finally, for quick tips that are very effective, visit AskDrSears.com.

I am impressed with your good intentions. May you accomplish your goals!

Love and Logic has great ways to help us parent our kids without constantly yelling at them. They teach us to use empathy and consequences. Kids learn much better from that than yelling anyway! When my son (4 years old) wants to play and I have chores to do, I simply say, I would love to play with you after my chores, I can get them done faster if you help...then we can play faster....how does that sound?" 9/10 times he wants to help me with chores! it is a win win situation! good luck!

I came across a website called, "Raising Godly Tomatoes" from Mamapedia a few years ago. It was a lifesaver for me because my almost four-year-old daughter was kind of in control of our house at that time!
Being able to make a plan for constuctive discipline really helped me remove my frustration from the situation. My children are more well-behaved than they have ever been, and I am more in control of my emotions (and tongue) because I realized the impact that my words were having on my children. Good luck!

I find myself feeling and doing similar things. I usually snap out of it pretty quickly, but it can be a dark place to find yourself. Here's what usually works for me:

1. Look at the situation from the kid's perspective. When I am in my not-so-shiny moods, I can see it on my kid's face. Then I need to see how he is seeing me, and it makes it easier to get out of that mood. I don't want him to look at me like that, and I don't want to be that mommy.
2. Take a step back. We were heading out the door, and we were going to be on time. I was so proud! Then one kid needed a diaper change, another spilled orange juice all over himself (he took it from the refrigerator when I was changing the other), and the baby started crying and needed to be fed. And she refused to take the bottle, wanting me instead. Not my finest hour. But I took a mental step back and imagined if I was watching myself in a movie. Then I was sympathetic instead of stressed, and I was able to get us all cleaned up and fed. But we were nowhere near on time.
3. Call another mommy who is in the same situation, and try to get together with her and her kids. It really helps to have support and encouragement, as well as new playmates!
4. Try to have at least one fun thing planned per day, whether it's blowing bubbles outside (or in the basement), going on a walk, sledding, going to the library, baking cookies, etc.
5. Have a "schedule." It does not have to be rigid, but a "first, then" approach could help you and your kids feel more in control and connected with each other. First, breakfast. Then, clean up breakfast dishes. Then, get dressed. Then, watch one TV show (mommy can do mommy things). Then, read. Then...

Good luck!

There is a book called Playful Parenting and it gives tons of ideas for this:
http://www.amazon.com/Playful-Parenting-Lawrence-J-Cohen/...

For the tv and computer temptations, unplug it, set a timer, make a schedule, get out of the house, go to the park, or library storytime.

Plan activities that involve your kids, play games together, work on writing letters, play with play dough and crafts.

It's exhausting to be a parent a lot of the time and so easy to tune out and get online, but rally, try and go a few days without it and make an effort to play with your kids and see what happens.

Dr. Sears has good discipline tactics that help parents become more involved and less 'yellers'. It's helped me tons:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

This is not a silly question. ALL moms go through it at one time or another.

A very important thing is to carve out some time, start small, for YOU.

Date night has always been a priority here and we don't miss a week. Daughter is 16 and it is a priority worth having.

You don't have to spend money to get out. Just talk a long walk or run, go to Starbucks, go to the bookstore and browse, have lunch alone or with a friend. (Take turns watching each other's children so you can get some time ALONE) At home, have a special bath time, coffee time of whatever you might like.

Do you have any friends with children? Have a trade off with each other so you can go to the mall alone, grocery alone and just recharge.

You already are a good mom for recognizing this and taking action so pat yourself on the back right now for being a very aware mom.

What I found is something very simple. Make a date one on one with a child and get to know them. Ask them what they want to do and dedicate your time living in their world. I try to do this. It is amazing when you cut out all the distractions and focus on your kids and what they know, feel, think, and what makes them funny or laugh. It then becomes addicting to want to be around them more and want to share in their success. It may take you to make the time every day where everything is OFF and it is just you and your kids.

Catch the kids being good. Concentrate on the positive. If your children are playing nicely, tell them how proud you are of them. If they are sitting nicely at the table, tell them. Eventually you'll find yourself wanting to spend time with them and they will be wanting to spend time and be with you.
That said, children need to learn to be independent. It's okay for them to play alone without you. This is a good thing!!!
If they are reading, read in the same room.
If they are watching TV, sit with them.
Just be with them... you'll find you love it.
Ignore the housework - you can do that when they go to college.
Dishes can wait until nap time.
LBC

I think its fantastic if they can entertain themselves and play without an adult! That is good parenting. If you find you are yelling too much maybe make an effort to change your style of discipline Read the book 1, 2, 3 Magic(Use counting not yelling or over explaining) Read Happiest Toddler on the Block for ages 1-4
Try whispering they might quiet down to hear what you are saying, esp if Sometimes its a good message being whispered not always a direction.
Do what you enjoy doing with the kids, playing a computer game with them? playing candyland? I like taking to to a farm, reading to them, not so much games, I like doing a craft but my son not so much (helps when the neighbor girl kid is around. I usually dont like to watch or sit thru the shows he kinda like dirtgirlworld.
usually

Identify what triggers your yelling, then take steps to avoid reaching that point.
If the kids have trouble putting their toys away after playtime, to avoid yelling over putting things away, make sure they can only get out a few things at a time. Then you are not overwhelmed by it.
Occasionally as new situations arise, you will fail now and then. But when you've calmed down try to think how things went wrong and try to go about it differently next time.

I have never been a yeller, but there have been times (especially when my children were younger) when I wasn't involved enough with my children.

The best way to become a better mom is to take better care of yourself. You need some me-time. Everyone does. It's so hard to have the energy to devote yourself to others if you haven't nurtured yourself. You need to make time to do things that make you feel good - relax in the bath, read a book, go shopping, have lunch with friends, do something just for yourself on a regular basis. When you do this you will be more relaxed and happier, and your children will benefit.

Just by asking the question you are on the right track. Now take some time for yourself and you will become the mom you want to be. :)

I recently read a book called The Power of a Positive Mom (http://www.positivemom.com). It is written with a Christian perspective (i.e. using prayer, etc.) but if the religious thing isn't for you, it still has some really good tips to help get through the day.

Let me start by saying that you are not alone. I am glad you asked this questions. I have often told people that I am an "angry mom" and people usually laugh, but I am serious and have felt badly about it. You have gotten a lot of great responses below (I especially agree with Lana Z's response). I have found that my attitude is more important than the specific activities. In my experience it does help to get out for a bit each day and the various activities that we do with our kids are good, but they don't necessarily change MY mood or attitude. And afterwards I often feel like I still need time to myself. In addition to getting enough sleep, I have found that I have a better attitude towards my kids when I relax my attitude towards housework. One of the other things I have done is really think about what kind of mom I want to be. Knowing that I will only be home with them for a few years has caused me to make a more concerted effort to make these years count (believe it or not I have little notes around the house reminding me to actually look at them and listen to them!). I have also made more of an effort to get out by myself at nite for some alone time and this does seem to help. And last but certainly not least, I have prayed about becoming the mom that I want to be and that my children need. That may sound silly, but I have come to the realization that becoming the mom that I want to be requires supernatural help. =)

By the way, I once read somewhere that God not only gave you these specific children for a reason, He also gave these children you - specifically you - for a reason. That makes me cry on my less than stellar days, but it was a reminder that I was still handpicked to be their mom and that He knew what He was doing, so I can't be all that bad, right?

There are some good book recommendations below, but if you ever feel the need for more, please feel free to email me. I have and continue to read a lot on this important subject. = )

I really like the responses you've gotten - I find myself in the same situation and they've helped me a lot - I'm going to read some of those books, too! I've recently discovered the Parenting with Love and Logic and have found some useful tools there, but feel I need to absorb as much knowledge as I can! =)

The only other suggestion I would offer is something my mother told me (she never worked outside of the home while I was growing up). It's helpful not to get too overwhelmed with the housework, mundane, everyday tasks that are there by focusing your attention to one or two things a day. It may help you to actually create a weekly "schedule", so to speak, just to say to yourself, "If I don't get anything else done today, I will do [blank]". She also said that she did at least one load of laundry everyday, except on Sundays.

Good luck!

Like others have said, it's a rut we often all find ourselves in. I love, love the book "Easy to Love, Difficult To Discipline." It helped me tons to get out of my rut and be more positive with my kiddos. It really helped me to change my perspective. (Like the traffic isn't "awful." Ya, there might be lots of cars and you're going slowly, but it's only your perception that it's awful.)
Good luck! We've all been there.

I know you've gotten many responses, and I haven't read them, but wanted to add my experience for you. I used to be in your shoes - it's easy to get there! What I found works for me is to set myself up on a "schedule" - nothing really rigid, but flexible and basic. First off is my weekly "schedule" - it tells me what to do each day, like Monday is a 1 hour quick house clean (dust, vacuum, windows...) and laundry, Tuesday is errands, Wednesday is library, Thursday is open (for play dates or whatever we want), Friday is jammies day (we stay home and wear our jammies all day - relax), Saturday is Family Fun day (plan something to do together). So this give me a basic plan and I don't worry about other things (like even if I notice the floor could be vacuumed again, I usually only do it on Mondays). Then, within each day I "schedule" time to do my own thing, play with the kids, give them structure and give them free time. A timer is really helpful. Set a time to play with the kids and set your kitchen timer for 30 minutes. Do not answer the phone, change the laundry, or get on the computer for those 30 minutes. It is only time for you to be with your kids and show them their most important! Adjust and increase the time or add another block of time for later in the day. If you want more info, personal message me! I'd be happy to encourage you! Remember why you chose to be a sahm, tell yourself that your kids really are a blessing (often), and make a focused effort to interact with them more. It will come!

I think you have had a lot of great responses so I don't have much to add. One thing I do is google arts and crafts projects and store the ideas in a folder. If I am feeling particularly ambitious (not often) I will get them ready in advance when the kids are sleeping or busy so I can whip them out when things start to unravel. I've also gotten ideas by searching "things to do with toddlers". A lot of the ideas I've found are easy and don't require much effort. Reading books w/ your kids is another fun and easy thing to do. I read somewhere that reading to your kids is the #1 indicator of future academic success for kids too! You don't have to spend a ton of time doing things either. I mean, for us legos and play doh only last about 25 mins if I'm lucky but they appreciate the time.

Another thing I do when my kids are driving me batty I'll say, "run around the dining room table 5 times then jump up and down 3 times". You can make up all kinds of obstacle course ideas and it releases some of the tension. I also do this when my kids are really whiny and it often temporarily changes their mood.

A lot of other moms say to try to get out once a day. I totally agree that helps but it may be hard w/ 4 kids. I do make myself an extra coffee or tea when I feel I am losing it as it gives me something else to focus on and I think I am getting a much deserved treat for putting up w/ these crazy little people!

p.s. I lose it on my kids sometimes (I always feel bad about it), I spent 2+ hours on the computer this morning while my 3 yr old very patiently waited (if you call asking "are you done yet Mama?" every 30 secs. patient) for me to play w/ her, 1/2 of us are still in our pj's and I haven't cleaned up breakfast! I am not proud but I know it makes me feel better about myself when other people slack off too! Good luck

You've gotten many wonderful answers. I can't stress enough how important it is for you to get your alone time. You also need a good amount of sleep. Many of the books mentioned are good. I would add one more..."She's Gonna Blow! Real help for Moms dealing with anger" by Julie Ann Barnhill. I think she also has a website but I haven't checked. Depending on your religious beliefs you may or may not like some of the things she says but I felt the book was worth the read either way. Please also remember that it is perfectly fine for the kids to play without you. They need time with you but it doesn't have to be play time and it certainly doesn't have to be all day. As the others suggested...try to find something you enjoy doing with them or have them help you with your work (most kids love to do this when they are young). Give yourself a pat on the back (mental or physical) when you remain calm with them, when you play with them, when things are going right. Sometimes we focus so much on what we're doing wrong that we forget the times we get it right.

Nothing silly about your question. I think the first thing you should do is identify what you are angry at or who. Or if you are not really angry but bored, depressed (not clinical depression), lonely ect. How often do you and the kids get out of the house? How old are your kids? I think the best thing you can do is start to explore activities out of the house. The library will have activities for you and the kids. Look into getting a Y membership, you can get the kids involved in everything from swimming to martial arts, to arts and crafts. You can also drop them off at the daycare and have sometime for yourself to go swimming or take a class. This will give you and the kids a chance to make friends and have other outlets for activities. I see you are also in the 'frozen north' as I am, today we are getting snow AGAIN. I understand how difficult it is to take kids out in cold weather. By the time you get yourself and them bundled up and ready to go, someone has to go potty. And you are starting all over while the other kids are sweating in their snowsuits.
Instead of yelling use a timer. When the timer goes off it's nap time or all the toys have to be picked up ect. If they don't get all the toys picked up they go in a box and in the closet for 2 days. Remain calm and breathe slow even breaths.
Kids need alone time for creative play, so don't worry if you are occupying your time with you own interests. Just be sure you do include them in things too.
There are tons of self-help books out there and story time at the library is a great chance for you to explore the books. Look for books that speak to you, if you are not religious getting a book that steers everything to a religious perspective isn't for you. I just started reading 'The Ten Things To Do When Your Life Falls Apart' by Daphne Rose Kingma, it's quite good and helps you to see your coping behavior and how that may not be working.
Start a gratitude journal, get a notebook and daily write down the things you are thankful for, healthy kids, a sunny day, a warm home, food in the fridge, flowers blooming, etc. It helps to turn your thinking around to see how many good things you really have in your life.

I really think this is the best question ever, because I have felt like this and really thought i was the only one. I don't know any other SAHMs. My sister and sister in laws all work and so do my friends. Even with my 4 year old in preschool, all those moms work. I know now that I am not alone. Part of the problem for me is my relationship with my husband. I try to do more activities with my kids and get out ofthe house because I noticed that helped. Then my husband finds out what we did and says "boy do you have the life" I still make dinner almost every night and keep the house somewhat clean, etc and tell him it is good for the kids to get out of the house and have experiences. I really think it is his problem he needs to work out but adds extra stress to me. But thanks for throwing it out there. Like other moms have said, getting out of the house helps and I was even thinking of working very very part time just to have something that is just for "me". I find if I feel good about myself and what I am doing, I have more patience with my kids and don't yell very much.
Good luck,
I think I will read some of the books suggested too
M.

I used to lay in bed with my girls at night and we would just talk about our day with the lights out. We all really enjoyed this time together and it is amazing how the kids will open up to you when the lights are out and there are no distractions. I feel like I really got to know them. I also think family dinners are great... Especially when they are at a restaurant.

Wow! I am the same way! I have 4 under 5 years. I definitly am losing my patience and I am thinking about going back to work, but deep down I really don't want to:) I am trying to get a routine down, but it's hard to stick to! To the mommies out there, any suggestions on a routine? And how to stick to it? Thanks and keep me posted!

You didn't say how old your children were. If they are old enough, let them have "art time". It's simple. Set them up at a table or on the floor. Allow them to color, draw and scribble for a certain period of time by themselves. Remind them that this has to be done without your help. So when they get a chance to show off their pictures they can tell people that they did it all by themselves. And their pictures go into the their scrapebooks.

All they need is crayons, markers (washable) construction paper and a scrap book. They will feel proud to have done something on their own.

And remember to take some time for yourself. Whatever you like to do (alone) find time to do it. Even if it's just a cup of coffee and one chapter of reading. This is your quiet time and you need it too. Be blessed!!