Single Mommy.

Hi, My mom was a single mom raising my two brothers and myself. My dad was a super fun slacker parent.

We always loved seeing him and he never helped mom out. She made a lot of emotional sacrifices that we couldn't appreciate until we were older, but I really appreciated knowing my dad. I think of him as like an uncle now, someone not quite a parent.

My mom has been the center of my world most of my life and by letting my dad come around there was never any question about whether he loved me, and never any opportunity for me to blame her for not having him around.

Good luck,

C.

I am sure I will have some moms up in arms about my response but I am an old fashioned mom who does not believe in spoiling my child.

First of all, I am all about some "Mommy time" -- don't you dare feel guilty for taking care of yourself when you need to. Your body tells you when you need to give yourself some "Mommy time" and it will certainly not destroy your 14-month old's emotional well-being to be alone in his room for a few minutes by himself in a safe place (like his crib or a play pen) while you take a breather. There is a reason why airlines tell you to "put your own mask on before helping others". You have to take care of your immediate "NEEDS" before you can help your child with his "WANTS" and trust me, him wanting to play with you ALL the time is a WANT, not a NEED. He needs food, water, clothes, shelter, plenty of emotional stimulation (games, talking, reading) and lots of love but he does not NEED your undivided attention 24/7 and he needs to learn that he will not get all of your attention all of the time, sooner rather than later in his life or it will be very hard to break him of the habit of EXPECTING you to bend over backwards to fulfill his every wish and spend every waking second of your life doting on him. I am not saying ignore him or leave him on his own for hours but if you must do some housework and he is screaming at your leg for attention after you have played with him for, let's say, an hour, then let him scream and do your housework. Calmly explain to him that this is cleaning time and play time has pasted. This will also get him into some routines, for example, 6-7 p.m. is dinner, 7-8 is play time, 8-9 is clean time, 9 is bedtime. Children want routines and they need to learn to entertain themselves.

Also, you might want to look at joining a Parents without Partners group. There is one in the Twin Cities. http://www.twincitiespwp.org/index.htm

I was a single mommy for the first 5 plus years of my childs life. Her biological was and is a 'rolling stone' and has never gotten a job. That was always for someone else. I knew I was ready for a baby, I was 36 years old when she was born. So needless to say...he has never spent one dime on support that was always my job. Times have been VERY hard, but that is what has given me the strength to move on. I had a roommate move in when I bought my first house, no money down.
It did help. I still had to juggle life to accomodate her. I don't hear from her biological except for about one time a year to 'check in'. I don't accept his call anymore because it only confused her. Since we were not married at the time of birth, the state did not recognize him as the legal father. So he has no legal rights to her. I have no family around so I was truly alone. I had about one friend that I could call a friend.
I say hold strong and you will pull the strength from this you need. You are definitely not alone in your situation. What we lack in money we make up in everything else. We are truly rich.
Everything that happens in life is new to your baby. This phase in your sons life will pass and he will grow and so will you. You will always have time to catch up on what you can't do now.
I recently got married to an incredible man. He is her daddy. He is who is here day in and day out and helps her and loves her like a daddy should do. I made sure she was not lacking on love or affection. Be patient with him and yourself. Be proud of what you are doing. He will see it and feel it. Talk with him with kind words and he will understand. Don't get down on yourself too much when you get frustrated. You need your time too. He just doesn't understand right now, but he will.
Talk with the daycare about financial help. The state will help also...if needed. They have all kinds of ways you can get assistance.
I was always told that being a parent is not a wrong or right decision...it is the best decision you can make.
Good luck to you...and this too shall pass.

Hi M., I didn't see your posting before so I'm late in my response but just wanted to tell you to NOT let dad take your son to Mexico, if the dad is illegal it means that either your son will stay in Mexico or he would have to go thru dangerous routes to come back.
Also, when you pick up your son from hes aunt's care, try and chat with her about family (make it very casual), perhaps ask for the relatives address in Mexico so you can "send Christmas cards and pictures to them" or to make your son a "family tree" for the future, that way you'll try to have all the information. Ask for relatives in this country also.
Take "family pictures" with the aunt, dad and any other relative they have here that your son interacts with.
This is not meant for you to worry, just for you to have all the information you need, which in would also help you in the future if dad gets completly out of the picture and your son wants to know his roots.
As for time, don't be afraid to ask a friend or relative to help for a couple of hours, you'll be surprise how many people are willing to help if you ask and you may need a couple of hours to chill every once in a while.
Good luck, all is well!

Hi M..
I was once in your shoes with a dad that didn't want to take responsibility. It is hard right now and I know things will start to look better soon. I found that once I cut my son's "father" out of my life completely, my life got better. My son is 8 years old now and I was only 18 when I had him. The "father" is now coming around 8 years and stating that he has grown up and wants to be a part of his life. I have since remarried and my son doesn't even know about his "father". My husband is the only one he knows as dad. I'm not sure where you are located at. I would love to talk if you needed someone to talk too. I stay at home with my kids. I have 4 kids and I homeschool. I don't work because like you had said I can't afford daycare. My husband works full-time outside of the house. He also has a personal business. Very busy lives. I know that you don't want to cut your son's father out. I agree with the other mom. I think you should do your best to cut him out and don't rely on him. I know easier said then done. I have been there. If I can help in any way let me know. I don't know if I have said anything that may have helped you. I have 4 kids so I know it is rough. My husband left me about a year ago and has since came to his senses and we are working it out. For 6 months he left me to fend for myself with our kids and it was very hard. I am in the Newport area. I know we don't know each other but I am willing to get to know you and help out anyway I can. Even if it is just someone to talk too. I don't have much advise, I just know what I have been through. Sometimes it helps to just have someone to talk too. Email me anytime.

I know things may seem a little hard now,but things truley will get better,you just need to believe that your child is your strenth and what ever goes on with you ,somehow your child will feel it,as for the dad,anybody can be a donar,but it takes a true man to be a father and you cannot focus that energy on worring about what the dad is going to do,because that will drain you mentallyand that is the last thing you need ....stay focused and pray,pray,pray.....!!!!!!

I emphathize with you. While I have not experienced being a single mom, I have struggled with being able find and afford daycare, and have no one to help us family or friendwise. It is a real struggle.

As for daycare and support as a single mom, I'd check out Catholic Charities or Lutheran Social Services. Both have excellent track records in helping single moms secure family/daycare friendly work, financial aid and daycare options for their families.

As for your concern about your son being taken, trust your gut. It happens all the time. ANd in your situation, your ex may have the upper hand. Just remember, because the father isn't naturalized it will be next to impossible for law enforcement to recover your child, because he's living under the "radar" so to speak. In a situation like this the usual channels law enforcement use to recover an abducted child are not there; for one there is no paper trail such as credit card records, utility bills, employment records, etc. If he has no criminal records where they would be using aliases etc. they'll really be stumped.

You don't go into detail as to why you suddenly don't want dad in your lives. If think you or your son are in danger of abduction or even retaliation or harm, I would most definitely seek help and protection and perhaps seek legal recourse now, before something happens. But be careful, and make sure whoever is helping you is also helping to provide security for you and the child, as the father's family may be an issue as well if you decide to take action.

Wish I could be of more help. Hang in there.

I'm not sure about your financial situation, but you mentioned that you were having a hard time making ends meet. Have you ever considered going on assistance? They can help pay for child care, food, medical etc. There is also WIC (not sure if you use or not). As for his father, I would put my foot down now. If you are concerned about him taking your son, you should put in a report to the police station. That way, if anything happened, you would already have notified them. In addition, I would be careful about making too many sudden moves while his aunt watches him. I'm not sure about the situation there, but you don't want her helping him out at all. It is not your responsibility to "take care" of the father because he has decided to work under a false name. He should not be holding over your head the fact that he is illegal and could take your son to Mexico. I am also not sure what the custody situation is, but if you don't have sole custody, I would get it right now. You can go to Legal Aid and most likely they will take your case for free (if you meet the income guidelines). The most important thing is to get free of him. That means not relying on him whatsoever, because it doesn't sound like he is someone you can rely upon. Also, have you ever considered joining a Mommy and Me class? It might help you meet some other moms. I would also be interested in getting together for coffee one day, if you were up to it!

Hi M.,

You are in a tough situation but it sounds like you have made the best decision for you and your child. You've decided to be independent and a big part of that independence is figuring out how to tackle all of your bills, etc. yourself. Hearing your story immediately makes me wonder if the father might flee to Mexico with your son and like another mommies post said - it'll be virtually impossible to locate him through the normal channels. You are relying on his aunt to watch your son? Do you have concerns about him taking the child after you drop him off at the aunt's house? If it's just the $75 per week that's keeping you there - that's not worth a lifetime without your child.

If you are not going to pursue him legally you need to at least establish complete independence from him and his family.

Call the county to see what other aid you might qualify for if you haven't already. There are "preschool" type programs for children who might be considered "at risk" and generally you qualify through the county. Discuss this when you call as well. Discuss the need for a stable environment for your child, and don't be shy about sharing your frustrations about your ability to handle everything with work and home by yourself. These are important developmental years in your child's life and if there is a center that can reinforce and teach these skills while you are working you can feel better that he's getting it somewhere. Don't get me wrong, he'll learn alot from you, too - but if you have concerns this is a good alternate to check into.

Good Luck!

Wow. Loving mommy, you just hang in there. You are going to have rough days and nights. Your son is fed by your love and support. Every time you do the laundry and have to put off play time, that is a gift. Every time you put off chores and play with him, that is a gift. It may feel like a lose lose, but it's a win enough of the time. That is good enough mothering!

You are not alone. I'm sure it feels that way, but there are others plugging away at this huge important job you chose.

I wish I could say something constructive about absentee dads. OK, I hope he wakes up. Soon.

Take care of yourself. Hang in there!

The Greater Minneapolis Crisis Nursery may be able to help or give advice. If you don't have family or friends in the area who can take some of the load off of you, then you might want to contact them. Here's their website -
www.crisisnursery.org/

Hi M., I know this is a late response. I am glad you are feeling better with the responses you have been receiving. I am also a single mom with 3 kids. Yes it is hard when they cry for their dad when its time for him to leave but this is just at the begining. It needs to become a routine. It will take a lot on your part. You can file for Child Support with your County, even if he is illegal. My kids dad is also illegal from Mexico and he is paying child support. I am blessed to have him as their dad cause he is in their lives and takes care of them financially. At first it is hard to get the routine going but don't feel bad for filing a case against him for child support because its beneficial for your son, you and also the father. That way visitation is stablished and is more consistant than when ever he wants. you can also request supervised visits to help you feel at ease when he is visiting. Your son needs to spend time with him and know who his father is especially since he is coming around and helping you out with child care. This shows that he does care for his son and it is also hard for him to adjust to the changes. I am glad that I am able to have a good relationship with the father of my kids cause it helps them a lot. That is why I urge you to contact your local Child Support Agency it is free of charge to you and it helps everyone out. Even if he is illegal he can still pay child support. My kids go to Mexico to visit their relatives and I have addresses and phone #s I also call their granmother(their dad's mom) regularly to maintain comunication. Even if he attempts to take your son out of the county it is tough because you would have to sign a document that gives him permision to take your son. I am not saying that it would be impossible for your son to be abducted cause that is always a possibility and anyone could do so.. So you still want to keep your child safe. I have my children information with finger prints and current pictures and current weight and height just in case they are ever missing and think every parent should regardless of their situation. I wish you the best in life. God bless you.

~I.~ feel free to write back

Hi M.! I'm a single mommy of 2 year old twin boys. I hear ya!! You've got a lot going on right now. If you are concerned about your child's safety / a flight risk, talking to an attorney (most do the 1st consult free) would probably ease your mind and give you an idea of any next steps you need to take. As for taking a breather, you do NOT need to feel guilty about that at all. It's better to step away than to lose your cool. Remember crying does not hurt him. It may hurt your heart (and let's be honest - your ears) but it's not really hurting him.

My guys are two and they go to bed no later than 8pm (and sleep til 7am). Sounds weird, but more sleep equals better sleep. An overtired baby doesn't get the quality sleep they need. And, the earlier bedtime gives me 1) time to do whatever needs to be done and 2) alone time. You need your own time to recharge. It is important for YOU to have some time to relax at the end of the day. Otherwise it just feels like one day rolls into the next without end. Been there, done that.

And remember, we single mommies only have so many hands and so many hours to do everything. When I give my kids time with me, I try to make sure I'm very focused on them for X amount of time. I have to make myself stop doing stuff and give them that time. Then once they have had that cuddle time or silly time, they are less likely to fuss when I need to do something else.

I've let piles of laundry go and let the dishes stack up for several days. Sometimes you just don't have time. And as long as nobody is dying and you can find something clean to put on your body, it's okay.

(((HUGS))) We're here for you! S.

Hi M.,

I know you received a lot of great advice, but here's my 2 cents. Take plenty of photographs of the "father", the Aunt, and the father's fake id's or whatever he uses. Write down the names of his friends, colleagues, etc. Secretly get the phone numbers of any/all relatives he has in Mexico. You may need all of this one day for the police if the Father ever trys to take the son out of the country.

I have 3 young kids and work 2 small businesses. My husband works full time too. We feel like you do in that we are so tired that we can't imagine doing dishes, folding clothes, and especially putting clothes away at the end of the night. Honestly, in the grand scheme of things, it is OK that the dishes sit until the next day and it is okay that our den is full of clean clothes in baskets and some not, waiting to be put away. Let it sit! Play with your son! He is at a clingy stage right now, so that's pretty normal. All he needs to know is that M. goes away, but she ALWAYS comes back. He'll be a very well self-adjusted kid.

Hang in there. It gets much easier when they can dress themselves, get in and buckle their car seats, and eat themselves.

One day at a time!

Stop living in fear. If you feel he is a bad influence, move on with it already. Don't be dependent on his Aunt for child care. You CAN afford daycare. The Department of Human Services has a program called ERDC, which stands for Employment Related Daycare. They will pay pay about 80-90% of your daycare bill. I am a single mom and am in this program. They will help you until the child is 12 years old. It sounds like your child needs some social interaction in a stable setting, and you need the support system that comes with that. Please email me, I would be more than happy to help you find the services in whatever state you are in. You do not deserve to live in fear of your child being kidnapped.
If you are in Oregon go to this site for childcare subsidies:
http://www.oregonchildcare.org/

PS- The kids being "clingy" at this age is normal. It is a normal development of separation anxiety. It happens to stay at home parents too. I am studying Early Childhood Development in school and just read about this last week. It is actually a healthy part of development. It means that the child has grasped the concept that things/people do still exist when they are not in sight, and now he want you to always be in sight:) I went through it first hand when I was a SAHM for the first two years.

You have gotten great advice from the other Mamas about caring for your son. If you think for a minute this 'father' could run and take your son to Mexico, I say you find someone/your friend to watch your child and get him deported. The alternative is something that could separate you and your son for good. You might be able to report him over the phone so you don't have to worry about day care.....also, have you looked into state/federally funded daycare? That type of assistance is made for women going through what you are-and there are other things, rental assistance, WIC to help you with buying some groceries....if you need help finding these resources, email me back. Anything to make your journey a little less hard-take advantage of it.

M.

Hi, M.! It is tough to be a single mommy, oh how I know. I have been doing this alone since my daughter was born. Her biological father lives several states away and we never see him. He has called a couple of times I believe, but has only left a message for me to return the call once. So, I have actually spoke to him once since she was born. We do not receive financial help at all, and haven't really gotten anywhere with getting child support. But I'm trying. I fear that he will one day come back on me saying that I purposely cut him out and try to take her away, but he never has tried very hard to see her either. So, I think that is a normal fear of many single mommies everywhere.

You have to do a couple of things, I think you are really backed into a wall and you need to get control over you and your son's lives back. 1.) You need to go to your local child support office and get the ball rolling on establishing paternity. Yes, that means that he is going to get found out, but that also means if he gets your son and runs away to Mexico, you will have a little bit of leverage to get your son back. Otherwise, you will have NOTHING to help you. Nothing..... No lawyer will really be able to help you very much. 2.) Go to your local Department of Health & Family Services. Find out what assistance you can get. If anything, there is at least WIC, and that does help even though it isn't much. You may be eligible for more than you think. You HAVE to look out for your son and you, first and foremost. Not protect some guy from being deported. Granted I understand that he is the father and you care about him but putting that as a priority over your son's needs is out of whack. I'm sorry. You will have to be cooperating with Child Support to continue to receive assistance in some cases. So they kind of go together.

I too, have trouble finding time for me, but I am older so I can get by on little increments of time. Like sneaking a haircut after dropping my daughter off at daycare and before I am actually sitting in front of the computer for work. My work set-up is a little different as I work as a recruiter from home. That in itself has helped ALOT. I can do little things at home all day.

It is easier now as she is old enough for pre-school. She is only in day care for part of the day and it is through our church which is really reasonable in comparison to other daycare centers. But through DHFS, you should be able to at least receive some assistance for child care.

Lastly, your son is going to go through stages of separation anxiety. That is normal. Kids do that, even in the happiest of homes. My daughter did at that same age, then again about 6 months later and then again. For him, it probably is a little more traumatic, but keep showing him your love. If you do not have a daily routine set up, try doing that and stick to it. Kids respond well to routine, because they know what to expect throughout the day and that helps them through the separation anxiety.

I wish you the best of luck! If you need someone to talk to to feel free to send me a message.

Hello M., I too was a single parent for 10 years, my daughter is now 11. Her father told me when I found out that I was pregnant that he was going to give me an abortion, if I chose to have the baby. So instead, I got a restraining order. After that expired, and he left us alone, he did call. I let him come over to see his daughter, and she looked just like her half sister. I begged him to continue his relationship with her(I was 20, he was 22). He always said he didn't have transportation (30 minutes away), and I would say that I would bring her to him, but then he would give another excuse. I ALWAYS told her that Daddy loved her and that he was working. I NEVER told her anything bad about him. My pediatrician told me when she was 4 to cut all ties with him, because it was easier on her not knowing him at all, then to have himbreak her heart every time he no-showed...Now that she is almost 11, and has a step-father, that she calls her dad, she has come to the realization that she still has her "daddy" but he always has alterior motives and really only does care about himself. We drove thru his town the other day and I asked her if she wanted to call him, and she said "no, because he probably won't even answer, it's no big deal mom!" She knows that I love her and understands now what I have had to go thru being a single mom just to take care of her. She appreciates me more! And she tells me every day just how much SHE LOVES ME!

Concentrate on your relationship w/your son, he needs you now. The housekeeping can wait, but your time with your child can never be replaced. Look into financial resources for child care, food stamps, fuel assistance, etc. Keep his dad paying for day care, at another place, and not with HIS family!!!!! I only received $80 a week when I got it, so $75 for day care is more than plenty for 1 child. Be thankful that you get that:my ex owes more than $35,000 in Mass.

If you ever have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask, I am only an email or phone call away....I help single moms in my community utilize resources to make their living situations easier. Much Love, A.

Hey M.,

Just a quick question.....have you checked with the state for assistance? You are a single mom and most times you can get some assistance. You might even be eligible for childcare vouchers that you would be able to use in a licensed daycare. That would take the worry about him taking off with your son and his aunt covering it up. I really feel for you, you are in a tough situation with this man (if you want to call him that), and you are a single mom. Being a single mom is the hardest, most self sacrifical job you will ever have in your life. However, one day you will find someone who knows how to be an adult, and you will be able to show your son an example of what a REAL relationship is like.

Hi M.,
First of all, let me say this, it does get easier. As I read your post, you have two different issues: Dad and time.

Do not, and I stress this, do not, allow your child's father to take him out of the country. Take video and let Dad show his family video. Be really strong about this.

Dad is paying for for the aunt (is this safe environment?) to watch your boy. If you went to court, what would the judge order him to pay in child support. Probably not much more than the $75 a week. So, as long as the aunt is safe, I'd stay with that arrangement. You need the day care and she is willing. Does she have children, does she offer what you want?
Weather you son sees his Dad or not, he will bond with him in some fashion. It's just nature. When he's a little older, putting together a photo album about 'Dad' may offer your son some bonding opportunities. Do you have a brother? I found that having extended family in my son's and daughters' lives really made a difference. They didn't see them a whole lot, but they grew up knowing that love, being honest, education, being accountable, etc... was important to the extended family. When they had to make big decisions in their lives I'm sure the extended family 'sat on their shoulders' and helped them make the right moves in life.

As far as time and organization goes: YOu're right, its really hard. How important are the dishes? If its important to have your dishes done and cleaning complete then you should do it. He will learn to wait for you. When you have your day off, have special times together going to the playground and various 'free' events. Like a date.
Kids go thru the clinging thing. My son, now age 28, had his arms wrapped around my knees when he was 18 mos old. I would walk across the room with him dragging along...crazy. Your son will get over that. I wouldn't 'push' him away, just explain that you have these things to do and will play with him when you are finished. He will eventually learn to wait, but then you have to play with him if he's waited for you.
Bed time,,,, he's maybe napping too long? He should go down by 8pm at the latest.
It will get easier. Do you have a sister or girl friend you can switch off with? Join a mother's group too. Hope I helped. I was single Mom with three kids so I know how you feel. Hang in there.
L.

I too was there! Ever considered a roomate. Someone who could share your living area (bunk up with you son til he gets a bit older- give them his rm. Trade child care hours for rent. Not food and electric, water, trash chores- just rent. so if you get $75.00 worth of time from her (Notice I say her- roomate) for babysitting weekly. she may say that is steep just for a room. If so pay the elect, water, & trash. Don't clean up after her, nor pay for or prepare meals as a given. As you guys get comfortable you will see that sharing this stuff is just natural. But you don't want to"give it all" at the get go with a roomate. Best to find someone either really older 60'-70's or younger 18-25- both have their benefits of what they can share with you and your son.
By making other arrangements for childcare- you eliminate you "Need" for the financial dependancy. You'll be amazed at the freedom this brings! Sure we all want a dad for the kids that is responsible, but sometimes it is just better to have them farther away than to get our lives caught up in depending on them.
My daughter is now 21, and fine. She ended up with no siblings, and has now got a relationship with her father on their terms, and it is good. He is catching up on his financial obligation too. Her biggest gripe is no siblings. She says things were tight mom, but we did fine. "I never had something else, so I didn't miss something else". Is what she tells me. Don't get caught up in the "he will miss his dad thing" cause he is little- he will adapt better, out of sight out of mind (sorry if that seems cold). Now if he were 6, or 10 that would be different.

OK- agreed- DO NOT LET HIM TAKE YOUR SON OUT OF THE COUNTRY!

Oh, also, you may get lucky and find a job that lets you take your son. I did home assistance with disabled adults, and after she was 4 the bosses let me take her all the time. the clients were not a danger to her, and she really gained a LOT of positive things from being around people who had no choice in getting help,. she was a kid friend to them too, which they never had. Just a thought for when he is a bit older.

Hi M.,
Well here's my 2 cents for you. I am a single mother of 4 and have been most of their lives. I have a 13, 8, 3, and 2 year old and as they get older it does get easier. First and foremost, do not let the father of the child have the baby anymore until you have established legally paternity. This means that he will be found out, but it also means that he will not be able to take your son to Mexico, because if that ever happens you will never see him again, and i am telling you this to scare you. You need to realize that once you had him your life is no longer yours but that baby's and everything you do needs to be in his best interest.
As for having time to do the everyday things like dishes, vacuming, etc. don't sweat it. You are going to have to learn to accomidate him, takes toys in the kitchen let him play with pots or even help you in some way so that he realizes that you are spending time with him while getting done what you need to do. As for bed time, that can be tricky at times. For a short while you may need to get in the bed with him and read a story and maybe pat his back until he is comforted at the thought that you are not leaving him. I strongly recommend that you go to your local dhs and get daycare assistance, it varies in each state how they provide it but where i am i only pay a copay each month that is very low, $199/month which is very nice with 3 of my children in daycare. I hope that this advice has helped and i will pray for you and hope that some of this has shed some light on the seriousness of the situation you are in.

Dear M.,

I will try and keep this short and just say, that I have been a single mom since his dad left us when he was 18 months old. It is very hard, very frustrating, but with God you will get through it. I have an awesome support system in other single mom's -- friends of mine and they are important to keep around you. I know first hand how tired you are and will be. Mine will be 13 in a few weeks and it is still tough. Get into a support group and network. I don't know where you are, but I go to SPAN out of the 1st Methodist Church in Richardson, Tx. It is just helpful to talk to others and know you aren't alone. Chin up and read Pslm 121... It does help. Keep GOD first and don't worry about the house. Have him help pick up his toys and put them in a toybox etc. Please feel free to email me if you need to.

God Bless you and Don't give up. You are stronger than you think! Trust me... I am there...

Best Wishes,

Tish (and Kyle_)

Hey there! It is a very tough job to be a single mommy. So, I commend you. I am dealing with that myself.
I have a couple of questions for you to ponder. Have you talked to an attorney? An initial consultation is quite reasonable, and can answer a lot of questions. Since your son's "other parent" is illegal, did you list a "father" on his birth certificate? Talk about that with the attorney. If there is no custody established, look into getting that done. That way, if the guy chooses to scoop and run, you have recourse. There are things you can do to protect your son's best interest.
As far as your son's adjustment... I know it's hard to watch him, and we all make our assumptions of what the children are thinking/feeling, but it really is true that children are resilient. Especially, when this has occurred at such a young age. He will be just fine. You sound like a very loving mommy, and that's what counts. If he grows up feeling loved, he will do great! Keep the love flowing...
I strongly suggest looking into talking with an attorney. God bless you, and good luck.

I know you've had a lot of responses, but I didn't see this addressed, so I wanted to give you some comfort here:

You son is right at the age when separation anxiety sets in anyway. He understands that mom is still somewhere, just not with him. So his behavior is not way out there. The issue with his other parent may have helped it come a bit sooner, or made it more intense, but it's not the only cause, so don't worry about that. He'll grow out of it in time.
Actually, the fact that he does that with your friend (who he stays with while you work) is kind of a good sign. It means that he is creating a bond with her, too. It is a great benefit for him to feel bonded to another adult - it shows him that his world is safe and secure.

You are doing great things! It is tough to be single mom with not a lot of support out there. But you are being mature and putting his needs first (even, or especially, walking away and giving yourself a time-out when your at the end of your rope) and he will really benefit from that.

I got this info by typing in daycareaction.org. Under ABOUT US and CONTACT US was the following info.

My daughters have used them in the past - hope this helps.

Our offices are accessible by phone at ###-###-####. Use this phone number for information about the Child Care Assistance Program (CCAP), child care referrals, the Head Start program, and the healthy food program.

Click here to view our 3 walk-in and drop box locations.

Mailing Address
Illinois Action for Children
1340 South Damen Ave., 3rd Floor
Chicago, IL 60608

Administrative Offices
Illinois Action for Children
4753 N. Broadway, Suite 1200
Chicago, IL 60640

For general questions about Illinois Action for Children services send an e-mail to ____@____.com obtain assistance with our website send an e-mail to ____@____.com.

Becky

What a rough situation! My heart goes out to you. Don't feel bad for giving yourself a time out. I really don't know what it would be like to be in your shoes, but I do know what it is like to not be able to get anything done while you have a little one clinging to your leg. I have found that sometimes if I need to get something done I just have the kids help. They are older now, but when they were little instead of the clorox wipe that I was using I would give one of mine a baby wipe and have them help me wipe whatever they would like. Sometimes it would be the walls or cabinets and others it would be the floor or a toy.

If I have to clean the floor they have a little hand help broom that comes with the dust pan. Usually they aren't helping, but playing. At least it keeps them entertained while I get something accomplished. My daughter loved to make music with ice cream sprinkle bottles, pots and a wooden spoon while I made dinner. You just have to be a little creative.

I know this is an older posting and you have it already closed but when I read the advice of not letting the father take him to mexico is good, it isn't enough. You need legal custody of your son. There is government assistance for helping with medical and food costs with your child so the support would be nice but his paying $75 a week for child care comes out to about what he would have to pay for support anyway. As long as you trust the aunt not to give her nephew your son and help him to mexico with him, he really is helping somewhat.

Your son is at an age where clinging is normal even if the parents aren't going through seperation. When you need to do things like dust, give him a dry cloth to "help". When you are washing dishes, give him a little pan of soapy water and the spoons to wash, although you will have to rewash them, it keeps him busy while you do the rest. That age really are great at "helping" even though it takes more time to do things with their help.

Life isn't going to be easy for you as a single mother or for your son who is going through a seperation with his father, patience and extra love is needed big time. He will get to a point that he will be use to his life not seeing daddy as much and if daddy gets deported while he is young, he probably won't remember much about him at all. He will have a feeling of abandonment that you will have to help with though. Even adopted children at birth have this abandonment issue. Counciling probably will help when he is older.

Good luck and please protect yourself legally.

GF- I hope it works out for you. Make as many legal connections as you can! DO NOT LET HIM TAKE YOU SON OUT OF THE COUNTRY!
And even though he sounds like a dead beat, $75.00 a week is nothing!... Don't ever make your sons daddy look bad. Just always tell the truth & don't expect other people to tell the truth. When your son is older he will be able to see the truth for himself. Good luck and remember that your not alone. God helps thoes who help themselves. Be strong and do what you need to do to protect yourself and your son. (Do it now!)

I know I'm super late, but reading some of your responses everyone talked about the same thing.

This is about you. Your wonderwoman, you can do it all. You do it all everyday. But remember if you don't take care of you no-one else will, and your bucket needs to be filled once in a while too. If your bucket is empty then you have nothing else to give.

Your house will be dirty tomorrow whether or not you clean it today. Try to clean once a week, and just keep up with putting things away daily, dishes and garbage will stink so pull up a chair and let him help you. If he is to small to let stand on a chair then empty one of the sinks fill it with water and put him in, then he can help you wash the dishes. I would think a dishwasher would be more work then washing the few you dirtied. This way you are making dishes and bathtime one. He will love that you let him help. Cleaning the bathroom: let him scrub the potty while you clean the sink. Then take his clothes off fill the tub with a little water put him in and let him scrub the tub. At this age he doesn't understand he is cleaning, he is just playing and helping mommy. Remind him always that you love him and that mommies never ever leave their babies because he has 1/2 your heart, and you can't live without all of your heart. This is a stage he's going through, But try to encourage or bribe him with something to be good. He'll get through it. Best wishes to you. Pray often. J.

I know I am late to answer been away but I need to give you encouragment, I too was a single mom of three. same thing no child support no education, but I had faith and with that i took one day at a time and remember one thing he depends on you unconditionally. So what you can do is for down time bath him in warm water to sooth keep voices low and then read a book lying in bed with him. Let him fall asleep and then you take a nice warm bath and relax, no it wont fix it but it can help ease the stress alittle. If you have family lean on them, ask someone to come and help out play with the little guy while you get things done. if you are working in the kitchen put a basket of toys on the floor and let him play there, same in any room you are in. he is feeling separation axiety,You cannt deny the child his dad but you cannot break the law, if he is here illegally you need to report it. He seems to think he can get away with anything and he needs to be held accountable, That may wake him up. Once you do that though do not let him take your son alone. I will pray for you remember tomorrow is another day. each day is a challange and there is not one to big for God.

Hi M.,

I am not a single mom and cannot relate to what you are going through but I applaud you and every other mother that raises their children alone. It is a huge job even for two parents. Don't beat yourself up, it sounds like you are doing the best that you can. It is normal to be overwhelmed. I cannot give you advice on your situation but I can offer friendship. I am a 40 yr old mother and my son just turned 2. I work full time and he is in daycare. He too follows me around and cries when I am not in his sight. It sounds like you don't have much family or support around you. Both sets of my son's grandparents live far away so I know how hard that can be. Do you live in the area? I live in Shoreline. Would you like to get together sometime? It helps to have people to lean on.

Warm Regards,

C. B.

hi M.- motherhood is difficult, but single mothers have it the hardest i think!

you say your son is 14 months- that is a prime stage of separation anxiety. your son may just be going through this stage- not necessarily having anything to do with the 'dad' leaving... just a typical developmental stage...

don't worry- he will get over it and it will get better!! :)

I just want to add, along with the others, that you need to cut yourself some slack. Mine's 24 months so I know you are still in a period where running the household takes a lot of time--I mean in terms of every little thing has to be done by you. This is hard work even if you have a spouse at home. So make it easy on yourself whenever you can. Use paper plates and cups to help keep the dishes down. Snuggle your dear sweet baby and let the house go to hell. Later, you'll be glad you did. He needs you more than he needs a clean house.

I'm a single mom also with three kids. It's very hard sometimes but I feel it is still easier than dealing with their dad all the time. I don't really get a lot of help from him and he sees them off and on. I have been putting my foot down with him and I know how you feel when you say how much your son likes to spend time with him. My kids get excited to see him and my 2 yr old will sometimes cry when he leaves but it does get easier. I would find somebody else to watch your son immediately because his aunt will choose him over you and could make arrangements for him to take your son. Have you thought about moving so he doesn't know where you live? The county does have some resources that could help you even with a down deposit. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to email me anytime.

M.,

very late but as you can see you are not the only one who does not have time. I know how hard it is to be alone with kids 24/7--husband deployed. My sanity was putting the kids to bed at 7pm. The evening was mine! And I told them, too. I have a friend whose husband was sick in the hospital with cancer and she did the same to keep her sanity and I have right now a neigbor who is a single mom and she put her child to bed at about 7pm as well. So you wouldn't be the "only" one being mean putting the child to bed so early.

Another suggestion I have for you is to check out www.flylady.net you can pick a lot of pointers out at her web site and if you sign up for her e-mails--it's free "help." She has something to offer for anybody in any situation.

Take care of yourself!

Hi im B. same as you i am a 28 year old single mom w/ a 14 month old son. Almost the same situation with his father, i am assuming that the reason why he is so clingy is because of insecurity, but when you strength your security and then in turn it will strengthen his, i know its hard doing it out on your own, but look onto family etc or maybe friends so that you dont feel so overwhelmed. Like you and every other mom our children are our blessing and some time through all the stress we get sidetract. Does your son have other children to interact with regularly?