Hi, J.. Bedtimes can be very tough.
I have a 2 yr old boy and we decided early on to be a co-sleeping family. It was so much easier while nursing and returning to work full-time. We educated ourselves on how to safely sleep with our baby and he is now starting to sleep in his own "big boy" bed. I know some parents find that letting their child cry and "learn" to put themselves to sleep is the best answer for them. I've decided to use a more interactive way to teach our son. I read to him every night (sometimes as many as 5-10 books) and then turn the lights off and lay with him while we sing "sleepytime" songs. He is almost always asleep within 10 minutes. I treasure that time with him - cuddling and snuggling - knowing he feels comfortable and secure. Most nights he's already yawning and winding down after the first book. I've found I can even get up and leave the room before he falls asleep. 15-30 minutes of quality time, cuddling and singing, fits into my schedule much better than 1-2 hours of head-butting. He does sleep better through the night now, in his own bed. When he is old enough and able, we will transition him to reading himself and singing his own sleepy-time songs. And, we will alter the routine as necessary to accomodate his comfort and security, while teaching him to put himself to sleep, not forcing him into crying fits and tantrums. Best laid plans, eh? We'll see when we get there!
Honestly, I think it's what works best for you and your family. I know it's probably different dealing with a 2 year old versus a 4 year old regarding bedtime routines. Maybe she wants to feel like she has some choice in the matter. Try making it into a fun, new "big girl" routine by telling her she's in charge to get to sleep tonight and let her pick out the books and the songs.
Hope a different view helps a little. I know being a single mommy - your time is very valuable. Good luck! Let us know what works for you - I'll be anxious to hear!