Sleeping with Parents

Well to make my life a little less stressful both of my daughters stopped sleeping with me when they could roll over. The only time that they are allowed to sleep with me now is if they have nightmares and every once in a while for naps. 6 is a little old to be sleeping with anyone including dad.

I know you have had several responses. But I have 2 boys 7 and 6. When I left my husband I had to move in with my brother, we had one room. My littlest one slept in a little bed next to mine and my oldest slept with me. With the divorce and the kind of mentally abusive ex I have, he would do the same to the boys. Anyways I allow my boys to sleep with me once a week. But they have to do good in their bed. I feel that it does give us the bonding time we may miss while they are at dads house, or while I work all day. Maybe they had a really rough day at school, or home we will lay down and talk to each other. I know I have heard that they need to be in their own bed. But they are not with me every night. I would maybe start with every other night is you are wanting to end the "family bed'. And with dad I would say let him choose. It's hard cause i have boys, adn their dad will not let them get in bed even if they are having a bad dream. OR crying acuse they miss me. So I want to let you know that you are not alone. I have my children sleep with me at times. Now sometimes I wish i would not have started it. But oh well too late. It does allow us to have that bonding time with just us. My other 3 "foster" children do not like sleeping with others. They have to be alone. So it gives my boys their mommy time, alone.

How does a person grow to become independant? Is it really from being pushed? Is it from establishing a solid secure root-base enabled by loving support, trust and confidence in her by her parents. What would you think and feel if something relative to this happened to you? I also have a six year old who only recently has been sleeping alone and he hates it. I, on the other hand, sleep much much better. But that is the only reason for the seperation. He doesn't understand and I may try the co-sleeping agian after a while. Is it your desire to be alone while you sleep? Is there a knowing that sleep will be better if you seperate or is this questioning out of fear? Does it make you a bit anxious that some other people think? That can't be a part of the discision. None of the people on this planet have the right to say "you should" (except if it's to say you should listen to yourself after you've listened to your daughter.) Ask yourself. And if her father is a good male example then I think she'll be better equipped to recognize the level of comfort and trust she needs to feel in order to allow herself to trust a man in the future. This truely comforting physical closeness will be a basis for discernment and may help her virtuousness. Follow your true beliefs not your thoughts which are spoiled by social pressures. Be confident. None of us knows the answer. A child feels and is better doing what they are comfortable with. Allow her soveriegnty. Can one "teach" independence? I wonder if the hurt from being forced out will be very deep. Maybe not. Don't do it for the wrong reasons. I'd love to know that she's staying in both of yor beds. It's going to be much more liberating and satisfying for her to have come to that point naturally. Does he have a room set up for her and does she think it's hers?
look up some support for co-sleeping and related ways of parenting. Maybe you and her father fit into the "generally more unusual" category of parents. It can be very comforting and even liberating to read books and articles that support what you do about anything especially if it's more "out of the box".
I hope this was helpful. I admire you for asking advice on such a subject. So many other's perspective. I see a lot of rigidness and fear in many of these responses. I hope you gain more clarity after contemplating this so innocently simple yet seemingly complicated and definitely important idea.

Ok ,seriously. I hate how people ask for advice on here and everyone takes it as an opportunity to bash people. She didn't ask for your opinions on co-sleeping people. (Which, by the way... studies have now PROVEN that babies and children who are allowed to co-sleep turn out to be MORE independent and self confident, because they are more sure that should they need you at some point, you will be there... perhaps you should all do some research- but in any case, it is a PERSONAL CHOICE)!
Personally, what I would say is that as long as you are not worried for her safety if she is sleeping with her dad, then just let it be. Tell her she has a choice, (not just with him, but with you as well), and let her make it. She will move to her own bed when it is time, and when she is ready... and that may be longer for some kids than others, especially kids from divorced families. My parents were divorced when i was 2, and when my dad remarried when I was almost 6 I STILL slept with him!! We had a tradition of eating biscuits and honey in bed and watching MASH- which made my stepmom real happy ha ha!!
(I was only there every other weekend) Actually, she was great about it, very accepting and eventually I made it out to my own bed and am a happy, healthy mom myself now!! As long as you are fine with it still, my advice is just let it be... it shows her that she can count on you to be there when she needs you, which will serve her much more later in life than teaching her that at one of her most traumatic times you send her off to deal with it on her own!!

I don't see a problem with her sleeping in your bed unless you are uncomfortable with it. Why are you uncomfortable with her sleeping in the same bed as her dad? Are you really concerned for her safety? than any place(not just the bed) would be an issue. I do think that you need to trust your instincts. We have them for a reason. Sometimes we get it confused with the cultural norm.

She is 6, ask her (and have him ask her) where she wants to sleep. it's that simple. If she is still sleeping with you, then there should be no issues of her sleeping with her father. There is nothing sexual about co-sleeping, it's about warmth, comfort and family.

My 6 year-old daughter stays with her bio-dad overnight about every 3 months or so and if they choose to sleep together, that is up to them.

The only reason that she is not allowed in our bed any more is bacause we have a newborn and there just isnt enough room to safely fit the four of us.

It's all about how you want to live and what is comforting to you and your family.

She will not be in high school begging to sleep with you, and if she is...more power to you:)

This is not a place to debate co-sleeping. You have coslept and had a family bed for 6 years, so that decision has been made. Folks telling you not to cosleep are too late! I did not cosleep as long as you have. But I know others who have and want to add my 2 cents:
First, it should be your daughter's choice at this stage. If she's always slept with a parent, she may prefer it. But you can offer her the option of not doing so. If you have issues with her dad and their cosleeping, those need to be addressed, though. Next, I don't know of any child who was still sleeping with mom and/or dad at puberty. Kids naturally make that break. But for awhile, it's a natural instinct to want to be close to parents.

Finally, many parents who work or do not live fulltime with their kids choose the family bed. This option gives them bonding they miss during the separation. And isn't it nice we have this choice? In most of the world, sleeping in separate beds is not an option. Families share beds out of necessity.

i dont know but i think my youngest is just a lot different than most kids. i breastfed him until he was 3 not for nutrition but mostly for comfort. his dad and i separated when he was 30 days old and divorced shortly afterward. i pretty much ran away form home form an abusive relationship. i thought it was just me but when i found out he was beating the oldest i just left. we didnt have much so the baby slept with me and his brother in a sleeping bag on the floor of our studio apt. i eventually got a house when he was 2 and then it was only a 2 bedroom house and since his brother was 13 i let him have a room and the baby and i stayed in the other. he slept with me til he was 5. then i met my husband and we got married and he still wanted to sleep with mom. we got him a big boy bed and every night it was a fight. my husband would tell hm to go to sleep in his big boy bed and he would tell him that he( my husband could gto slepp in the big boy bed cause he was bigger and that he was sleeping with mom. It was hard . we had to wait until he went to sleep and then carry him to bed if he didnt wake up. and then he would end up in our bed anyway sometime during the night. I wish i could have had a place for him to sleep when he was younger because then it wouldnt be so hard. he starte d going to his own bed about age 7. he still comes to my bed when he is sick he is 17 now. i think it s just a comfort thing. he doesnt sleep there anymore but we have some really good talks in my bed. and when he is sick i let him rest in my bed. so if i were you i would try and do it as soon as you can. because it is so hard emtotionally and physically. sometimes we didnt get to bed till 11. but thank goodness my husband is so understanding. he knew that we had had such a hard time and he didnt get grumpy about it .ok well maybe when we didnt get enough sleep.

I would definitly agree that 6 is too old to still be sleeping with either one of your parents (with the exception of thunderstorms, bad dreams, or Saturday mornings)
Personally I would have cut off the in-my-bed thing at 6 mos. to a year, because I enjoy my space at night.
The one thing that makes this a bad time to stop your daughter from sleeping in your bed (or your ex's) is that its something she's always done and now being the holidays and with the stress of the divorce on her, it may not be the best time to bring the subject to fruition.
I would wait until after she gets back from Dads, more for her stability than anything else. But if you feel strongly about it, maybe she could have a sleeping bag in Dads room, then when she gets back to your house, put a stop to it. I just think it might be a bit much for her to put a stop to it cold turkey with all thats going on.
Good luck :)

I think you need to get your daughter into her own bed as soon as possible. That is my opinion. I also think that if she is allowed to sleep in your bed, she should be allowed to sleep in her dads bed, if that is where she is comfortable. That is the way you have taught her to sleep. You are both her parents, if its ok for you to do it, its ok for him as well. You need to be consistent whichever house she is in.

I don't think a 6 yr old should sleep with either parent but I have to say now is not the time to develope new sleeping habits.I also had a family bed with my kids but my kids are now 3 and 4 and sleep in their own beds. I transitioned my son for a second time around 2 1/2 and my daughter at 14mos. Our situation had to due primarily with living arrangements but none the less it was work getting them in their own beds.

A six year old shouldn't be sleeping with either parent. Especially her father at this age. I would just have her dad really drive the point home that he has a special place for her to sleep, if he has a spare room allow her to help decorate it. Even her sleeping in his bed and he sleeps elswhere, explain to your daughter that she is much more grown up now and needs to sleep by herself. I realize that it is a security thing when it has gone on this long for both parents. I understand co sleeping when they are little too to a degree, neither of my children has slept in my bed on a regular basis however. It is a special treat for my kids to get to sleep with me, 3 and 6, they alternate one weekend night to have a sleepover in mom's bed or if they are really sick, but that is the ONLY TIME. My son actually loves his bed, blankie and stuffed animals so much he prefers in his own bed and we all get better sleep in the long run.

I know a lot of people think it is okay and I respect their take on that, however after the age of 2 it is causing way too much dependency when a child should be learning independence after that point. I think it becomes a security blanket for the child that is a hard habit to break later, parents even single ones like me need their space and sleeping should be one of them. A child needs to learn to sleep alone or then sleepovers, traveling and issues are a problem later on and can hurt them socially. I loved the Dr Phil episode on this one, even Dr Sears who advocates cosleeping said there is a limit to the age it is okay anymore. Girls need to learn to be discreet and seek privacy even with their fathers, not dressing in front of them, shutting the door in the bathroom, etc. It is just teaching them that now it is time to respect themselves and their privacy.

I had this same situation happen with my daughter. as much as I tried to ween her of our "family" bed, she would find her way down the hall, back into our bed in the middle of the night. What I finally did, was get her a little goldfish, put it on her bedside table, and explained that it was her job to watch the fish and take care of the fish...who was also afraid. That was the ley to sucess. We did this at the age of 4, it worked! From that day on, she never needed ot come into our bed again. Unless, of course, she wa invited to snuggle. :)

I feel compelled to respond to you, although I do not have any experience in this. My children have never spent even a night in my bed. When they were scared, they were allowed to pull a sleeping bag out from under the bed to sleep near us, but never with us. Our bed was the only place in the house that was OURS and only OURS! Of course they crawled in on weekend mornings to snuggle, but never slept with us in the bed.
My response to your question would be TODAY! TODAY is the day to have this child sleep alone. I believe self confidence, personal space, and understanding differences in children and adults are all taught by having children sleep alone. My question is this....now that you've waited so long, how will you ever tell her that she must now sleep alone? I'm afraid that news will crush her and leave her feeling unloved. However, you must do it now, and down the road, you will see the little person you've raised who now understands we each have our own space, we each need our rest, and we CAN and NEED to sleep on our own.
Good luck. Can't wait to read how it goes.

It's probably a personal family decision. If you don't feel comfortable with her sleeping with her dad now that you are divorced, maybe you could talk to her and see what she thinks and talk to her dad and see how he feels about it?

Hi S.:

My daughter slept with my husband and I for years too. About 4 months before her 6th birthday, we told her that she would have to start sleeping in her own bed. It took a LOT of patience and preparation (thats why we told her then), but it did work. If I were you, I would pick a date, maybe her birthday, a special occasion, something she can relate to, and tell her it's time to sleep in her own room. Since you aren't with your ex, you should make sure that you both have the same goal and make it clear to her. If you don't plan on keeping her out of your bed, then you can't really expect him to do so. It would be a fruitless effort on his part. Just make sure that your daughter is clear on what and when you expect her to move to her own room and stick with it. Good luck!

I think it's really not appropriate for a 6 year old to sleep in her dad's bed anymore, especially without Mom. It's about personal space and teaching boundaries. My son (age 4) has never slept a night in my bed because that's mine and my husband's space. I will give him all the attention and love he needs, but when he needs something in the night, I go to him in his room and he falls back asleep in his bed. Personally I would have tried to break the habit by 4 years old at the latest. My brother had his girls sleep with them and they were in their own beds by 1 1/2. I would try to encourage her to sleep in her own bed at each parent's house now. She's certainly old enough to be in her own bed.