Son Forcing Others to Rub His Face

When you want a child to stop a behavior, you have to show them the behavior you DO want. So many times we say stop doing A, but we don't say "do B instead". We need to teach them what we want them to do and not just what we don't want them to do.

You need to catch him as he does it, stop him in the act and say "No, we don't grab people's hands ever, we touch them nicely." Tell him he may use his words to ask someone to touch his face, but they have the right to say "no." Make sure he understands no one HAS to touch him, he needs to respect that.

And then discipline if he continues to do it. Talk to him when he isn't doing it and explain it and the consequence you and your husband have chosen. Which may take some time to undue since he's been allowed to do it so long. Be consistent in your response each and every time as long as it takes.

The reason I advise this is because it IS aggression, and something they don't allow even in preschool, for the fact it can hurt someone and is disrespectful to other people's bodies, we all have the right to not be touched. They don't allow agressive touching in my friend's daycare, either, even with the one and two year olds. Teach him to respect others, as they say in my guy's preschool, "Hands to yourself, feet to yourself, respect and don't touch."

And, if you believe he has a need to have his face touched give him a small stuffed animal or blanket and teach him to use it to touch his face himself rather than grabbing anyone's hands to do it for him.

Tell him WHAT TO DO. Sometimes we get so caught up with 'no! Stop!' Say 'gentle and show him gentle.' Believe me if i saw that I know i would say 'stop!' too and get the baby to safety. We have to remember to tell them what to do. "don't stand on the chair" is not as helpful as "please sit in your chair."

What have you done to discipline him for this? How about when he starts to do it, you take him aside, tell him NO, and then put him in a time-out if it persists? Tell him it hurts when he does this and he needs to STOP. Teach him what he needs to do instead - touch gently, or keep his hands to himself.

Just use one of these each time..

Remind him, "soft and gentle touches. "

"Use your words to ask sister to touch your face."

"We keep our hands to ourselves."

With 3 year olds, you will still be saying this for another year.. Be consistent.

Have him repeat it every once in a while, just to make sure he heard AND understood you.

Also remember, his attention span is about 3 minutes.. and then he starts all over again.. Totally normal. .

He needs to be caught when he starts to do this. Told no, that it is not nice or appropriate, and if he does it again, I'd put him in time out.

When he is nice to his sister or another child, point it out to him and tell him that is how we play with others.

Hi M.,

I was wondering: does your son ever have adults who do this for him when teaching "gentle" touch? This sounds a little like how some teachers/parents 'do' the whole gentle-touch thing, but then done more aggressively.

That said, think back and make sure that none of the adults in your son's life are in the habit of taking his hand in that way. If adults are doing this, then we have to re-think how he's redirected and handled. I'm not saying that this is happening, I am suggesting that if this *is* happening, then you want to be aware of it. As parents and adults, we are modeling for kids all the time.

If that's not the case, then do as others have suggested: address it in the moment, as often as possible. Be clear about where on the body touch is appropriate and be specific as to what is not okay. You can do some role playing or use puppets or animals to demonstrate exactly where (some kids really get confused by the names of body parts, so show what's okay).

When he's been corrected and does the hand grabbing again, have him take small break in a boring place. Finding a chair nearby but out of the action can be just fine. A low-key "I need you to sit here until you can be safe with your hands/keep your hands to yourself. Come check in with me when you are ready" will work well. Actively ignore (which means make sure he's sitting there, but don't engage, and do listen if he wants to problem-solve) him until he's ready to return. The idea is for him to take a break and get his mind focused on doing better the next time. When he's ready to return to playing with other kids, a simple reminder "hands to ourselves" ( positive affirmation of the behavior we want to see) is all that you do. Repeat as necessary.

You may also want to consider that sometimes, leaving the playtime will be the best option. I don't know to what degree you are concerned about your son, but I will say that leaving right away *does* get their attention. It is a short-term high-stress moment, one that he'll remember. I would say especially regarding babies. They are so little and he just doesn't know *why* he needs to keep his hands to himself. You are going to have to help him a lot with this.

And when you are out with him at times he might do this, stay close. Look for those moments when he seems to be heading toward grabbing and use your body to get between he and the baby. "We just look at babies." For kids this age, babies are very similar to dolls-- they are often very passive, they don't talk, they don't 'do' too much from the perspective of a three year old. Dolls are also called 'baby', so that can be confusing for some kids. In my time working with kids, I have seen a lot of older siblings pack their younger sibs and babies around like dolls, so that's why I say this. Even very loving siblings are ungainly with their younger ones. Try to give some positive guidance proactively. He will really need it. At three, they really want to do what they want to do, and we have to do a lot of distraction and circumvention.