Son Getting in Trouble at School/bad Choices

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Ok, I understand that you are upset with this, but here is a little perspective:

My son is 10. He is a terrific kid- great grades in school good sense of humor, very mature for his age. When he was 5 going on 6 we called it 'The Year of Lying'! All of a sudden, he just started telling these WHOPPERS of fibs. I mean, it was just out of nowhere! We kept pointing out to him that everytime he told a lie we caught him in it and after a while he just stopped, as suddenly as he had started.

My point here is two-fold:

1)Your son is at an age where kids are not only exposed to lots of new behaviors from other kids, but also where they are exploring what is ok and not ok in a big way. This is perfectly natural and ordinary.

You don't detail exactly what these bad behaviors are, but teasing is something kids have to learn NOT to do. If I were you, I would just keep having this talk with him about how teasing makes the other person feel and how would he feel if it were him?

I would also keep in close contact with his teacher. Make sure that the school and any other parents involved KNOW that you are totally aware of the situation and are doing everything you can to change your son's behavior. All kids do something bad once in a while or make mistakes- it will happen. As a good parent, you just need to be doing what you can to change that. Letting the other adults know you're trying is going to make it much more pleasant for you to deal with them.

Invite the boy he has been teasing over for a playdate, one on one. Your son most likely has a lot more in common with him at age 6 than not. They will probably have a good time together, you can build a little trust with the other mom, and your son will have another friend in class, instead of a kid to tease.

2) This too shall pass. Just keep reminding your son of how he is expected to behave, over and over, as often as you need to. Little kids' brains are absorbing so much- you just need to keep repeating the basics, frustrating as it can be. But with my son, it was a brief passing phase and it is with most kids. If you keep parenting, your son will get over this teasing phase.

It is always tempting to blame another child. I am not saying that this other kid isn't contributing to the problem, but your son is going right along with him. If you know this other boy's mother, ask her if she has been having the same issues with teasing and also gotten warnings? Don't blame her son- but maybe suggest that your boys need to not play together until they can behave themselves with others. Make it clear to both boys that if they tease other children, they will not be allowed to play together.

Good luck! It's really hard when our little angels show they less-than-perfect natures! But children - ALL children, even good ones- can be cruel. It's your job to just keep teaching him not to be. I'm sure in the end, you'll get through to him!!

How do you know that he is a "follower"? This may be the case, but it also sounds like you are not taking full responsibilty, so why should he? Whether or not another child was involved, your son still chose behave a certain way. I would remove priviledges at home. Whatever his favorite thing to do is (TV show, game, etc.) will be most effective. He is young, so I would only do it on a daily basis, not a week or anything. Also, have a reward system for GOOD behavior. Good Luck :-)

I think he is too young to teach him the concept of making better choices in friends. I don't think you should try to limit his friendship, just teach him to make better choices in his own behavior.

Over the years, my kids have been able to have friends who engaged in inappropriate behavior without emulating them.

On the other hand, I would be REALLY firm about his not teasing people. Tell him in no uncertain terms that teasing is really mean, hurtful and bad, and take things away from him because of it if you have to.

Schools have no give room today. Your son is a creative child in a boring and tight fit classroom. Teachers who do not know how to bring a child into the social scene in school become discipline driven martinettes.
My kids went to school in a different social climate. Creative children were given the leeway they needed.
My second child had to go to private school. It was a Summerhillian school.
She needed the freedom. In the middle of 7th grade returning to public school she was ready.
The math teacher sat her in the front desk and made certain she worked and she became a very good math student.
Now as for your problem. Take this boy to a marshal arts program Tai Kwan Do or Karate whatever exists in your area. He will develop the discipline he needs. He must go twice a week.
It worked in our family and it will work with your son as well.
The black belt was a bonus. The real deal was the self control and mindfulness that made a good student out of him.

T.,

Partly, this is simply the result of him starting kindergarten and being exposed to older kids and behaviors that he may not have seen before. He is exploring the behaviors and boundaries. My son had similar experience. The school never sent us a warning or told us that we needed to develop a behavior plan. We sought to discuss the problem with our son's teacher. She was very supportive and reassured us that our son generally behaved appropriately and that the problem was really with one specific child and that the school was working with his parents on the problem. She also advised that we do as someone else suggested here and invite the "offending" child over for a play date to see how they interact one on one (it might show your son that the child really is not very nice and not someone with whom he wants to be friends or it might have a positive effect on both kids and calm the behaviors) and let you have an opportunity to see how they behave. Keep in mind, though, that if the school asked you to develop a behavior plan then your child might be the "offending" child or one of them.

Whether your child is following others or acting out on his own, what really needs to happen is he needs to have a stronger attachment to you and his father. If he's following another child rather than behaving as you have taught him then he is not attached strongly enough to you as his parents and you need to put in some extra time and effort to reconnect with him. Partly, this means spending time with him. It also means allowing him to have and express his feelings. I don't mean allow him to do whatever he wants, but listen and acknowledge/validate his feelings even while explaining why his behavior is not acceptable or appropriate. Try to avoid correcting in the moment and do it when you have a very strong attachment with him and you're having a good time. Take that opportunity when you are both in a good space to say, "Hey, you know when you did that, we don't do that," and here's why. Let him know that there are REAL consequences - taking away things he likes is not a real consequence. Let him know that behaving in this way will 1) result in him being kicked out of school and having to go to another school where he won't be with any of his friends anymore, 2) result in other kids deciding that they don't want to be around him because they think he is mean or because they don't want to get in trouble too and then he won't have any friends, 3) if the school doesn't kick him out, he might instead have to sit in the principal's office instead of participating in recess, et cetera. You might also try asking him how he feels when he is treated the way he is treating others (the way this other kid treats others) or how he would feel if someone did that to him. Or even ask him how he thinks the other kids feel when he does these things to them. He might not be honest with you right away but it will probably make him think about it more and he might realize what he's doing and stop. My son was typically not completely honest with me when I took this approach with him but the behavior did stop and he now thinks back to those days and talks about how mean the other kid was and how he wasn't really a friend.

Good luck!

that "teasing" sounds to me of bulling another person with this older kid you talked about. Hit him where it hurts him the most. Games, activities and suspend TV shows. At his age, kids do not rationalize the consequences of their bad actions, until the "good" stuff is taken away. It is about maturity and sometimes it is hard to deal with it. But stay still and be consistent. Do not let your son to lead the dance.

What have you done to show him that this is not good behavior? What have you taken away, or removed from him either toy wise or privilege wise? Have you ask him how he would feel if someone treated or said those things to him? Time to make his world change........take away things he likes, give him time outs for things he does at either place.........ask the teacher to see if she can move him away from his friend.

Take him somewhere where children are handicapped and let him see how hard it can be on a child and how lucky he is as well as his friends......

When he doesn't get in trouble, make it a big deal, get him stickers, or a small inexpensive toy to show how proud you are of him........

You have to be consistent and you have to show that you mean business or he will not take you seriously. At his age, you might tell him how disappointed you are in him as well.....and why......

He'll figure it out if you work with him.
Take care and hang in there.

Some children tend to be attracted to the darker side with friends. They might seem more exciting and fun. He might just seek out that kind of friend.
I would work hard and long on working on kindness, respect, and caring for others. Do some volunteer work with handicap children where he is a helper too. Perhaps be involved in a fundraiser that helps others, collect food for those in need, helpers on an outing etc..
Make him have consequence for his behavior like apology for teasing someone or a picture he draws for them. Work with the teachers to help make a plan for better behavior and give him extra chores at home, no play dates, and discuss how he affects others by making him see how he would feel if things happened to him.
Give him something special to look forward to when he gets daily good reports at school & daycare. I would ask the teachers for now to give daily reports of his behavior.