Son's Divorce.

This jumped out at me though it was a long way into your post: "His father always used to boast how proud he was off my son for having such a great wife and a happy family etc."

Please stop and think hard about that. Did you too do the same -- take pride in your son's marriage, his perfect relationship, etc.? It is possible that your son did not tell you about his divorce until it was over because he knew that you and his late dad placed a VERY high value on his being perfect -- "this happy, fun loving, forgiving and peaceful guy" as you put it, who had a perfect job, perfect home and perfect wife. He probably felt that he was a letdown to everyone; after all, wives don't cheat on perfect guys. Perfect husbands don't get divorced. Perfect sons don't confess to mom that their wives cheated with their old friends. So of course he is clamming up now and distancing himself and working to fill the void.

You seem very puzzled that he would act like he was never married, refuse to acknowledge the existence of his marriage or his ex-wife, and stick all his marriage memoribilia into a box (which by the way wasn't yours to open). But can you see that right now, so short a time after being made a fool of, he needs to isolate that whole part of his existence so he can just get by day to day? Let him. Don't press him to talk.

I suspect you are just now realizing your son is not the ideal man you thought -- especially since he would get his wife's lover fired, which is, I agree, very low and wrong of him -- but it's human. You'd prefer that he handle this divorce like a gentleman, no punches, no firing, no sticking his past into a box. But he isn't handling it that way, and so you feel you no longer know him: "It just isn't really my son at all...it's not my son to do that...." You are seeing your son's humanity, anger, pettiness and vengefulness come out and you are surprised by them -- which is totally understandable since he's never had reason before to act out like this. But it won't help him to have any inkling that you are disappointed in him. He surely already assumes you are disappointed since he knew for years that you and dad placed such a value on his ideal marriage. Now you are also seeing his less than ideal reaction, and you are disappointed in him. You have reason to be. But there is nothing you can do to undo the firing or the punch or the anger he feels.

Please don't ever mention his ex-wife to him; if you are in touch with her yourself, stop being in touch --there are no grandkids to link you to her, and she cheated. (How do you know about his getting the guy fired? Did your son tell you? I find it hard to believe he'd tell you that--which makes me wonder if maybe you are in contact with his ex?) Do not tell him you went into that box; say nothing. Don't criticize his working hours. Certainly don't mention his so-called friend, ever. Don't let slip that "You and Sarah seemed so right together, I just don't see how this could happen."

Find ways to spend time with him and do things where his attention can be on something else-- a show, a play, a concert, a festival or fair, anything except sitting around and talking. He needs distraction. For yourself, this is a tough time as you realize that your ideal child is not ideal, but once you get past being puzzled and hurt by that, you can shift your focus to keeping in touch with him and doing things that allow him to be with you without having to talk much for now.

A.,

Welcome to mamapedia!

Your post reminds me of a soap opera...I'm sorry. This is messed up...and it reminds me of a post from a while ago - about a W. who was totally involved in her son's life.

Here's my take.
1. Your son is depressed. He NEEDS to see a therapist.
2. Your son is HURT by the betrayal of his wife and "best friend".
3. Your son is using alcohol and work to drown his sorrows.

Do you remember YOUR divorce? I know my divorce wasn't peaches and cream. On top of that, he has to deal with THREE losses...1, his father, 2, his best friend, 3, his wife.

What can you do to help him?? Other than STRONGLY suggesting he go to a therapist? Nothing. He's a grown man. He's dealing with things as he can...is it the best way? No. But that's how HE IS doing it...

Does his former best friend deserve to be fired from his job? No. That's NOT the point right now...he needs to deal with his hurt and betrayal...and he's not. He's acting out and drinking...

Go to an Ala-non meeting - yes - YOU. You will learn about alcoholism and how to deal with it and him.

He needs to want help. You can't force it on him. You can be there for him. Let him know he is loved and WILL get through this. You can be open and frank about how you feel he's handling it. You can tell him what you SUGGEST he do, but you CANNOT force him to do anything...

You might remind him that his actions - getting a "friend" fired and drinking might end up biting him in the butt and affect his job, his future earning, self-respect and he needs to stop and THINK before he does anymore damage to himself...

Try to remember that this just happened (recently). He needs time. He needs time to grieve. He needs time focus on himself. He just needs time to heal. This is not something that's going to happen quickly. Give him some space. He doesn't know what he wants. His heart is broken. Right now if he's throwing himself into his work it's probably because it's a very good distraction and because it's something he can control. When your home life is out of control, it's normal to turn to something you can control. In this case, his own work.

Keep in mind what you actually know. You know that he has alcohol in his house and in his office. You know that he poured himself a drink one night. You might even know a couple of ofther things for a fact, but you are making a huge leap saying that he drinks all the time or that he has a problem. You don't actually know that, so try and relax about that a bit. He might be just fine. It really is ok for people to come home at the end of the day and have a drink.

You don't know for a fact that his former friend was fired simply because your son made a phone call. There could have been other factors involved. You just don't know for sure.

You said your son has distance himself emotionally. Well, that's how lots of guys deal with things. If this were me, I'd be pooring my heart out to my mom, my SIL, my friends. But that is definitely not how my husband would deal with it. Sometimes I have to really listen carefully to things that he says to even realize that there is soemthing upsetting him. People are different.

You have to let him deal with things in his own way. The best thing you can do is just be there for him. Maybe that means inviting him to some family gatherings, invite him over for dinner, suggest going to a basketball game together or go bowling. Do some fun, relaxing things together. Or ask him what he'd like to do. Just let him know that his mom wants to spend some time with him.

Don't bring up the divorce or his job or the drinking. Just spend time with him. When and if he's ready, he'll talk to you, because you're his mom and you've been supportive of him. But wait until he's ready.

Obviously you have never had anyone betray you by having an affair, if you think your son having his friend fired was over-the-top.

Hey, good for your son. I, for one, fully support him having his friend fired, if that is what actually happened. His good friend screwed his WIFE. F&&k that friend, and the horse he rode in on. I don't think teaching that guy a lesson is such a bad thing. He will get other jobs. As someone said below -- that's karma, baby.

Ya know, when my ex-husband had an affair and dumped me and his son, I would have happily done all kinds of things to the girl who helped to break up our marriage. I only went as far as calling her mother and telling her what her daughter had done. Hopefully the mother told her daughter a thing or two, so she didn't break up anyone else's marriage. And in this case, it's even worse, because this was your son's supposed friend, betraying him.

(And ETA -- when I told my mother that I had called my ex's girlfriend's mother, she expressed her horror at me and then went and had diarrhea over it, like *I* was the heinous person. That was 25 years ago, but her reaction still pisses me off, if I think about it. Be careful who you support, and remember whose side you're supposed to be on.)

I don't think a guy punching a guy out for screwing his wife is a bad thing, at all. Go watch a few old movies and see what guys were supposed to do when someone screwed their wife. Breaking a guy's nose for a betrayal was normal, 50 years ago.

Your son is still young, he's pissed, and he doesn't feel like talking about it. It's really, generally more of a female thing to talk about our feelings endlessly.

Your son isn't turning into some evil creature, he's just had his eyes opened a little to life's injustices, and he's a little more jaded. Stop having so much sympathy for the assh*le who betrayed him. Maybe now the assh*le has learned not to f*** his best friend's wife. And your son will talk when he's ready, and that might be years from now.

As far as the drinking goes, it might not be abnormal, but you can lightly suggest your concern to him. "I know you're rightfully pissed at Jezebel and Judas, but be careful not to become an alcoholic over it. Living well is the best revenge."

Do you remember your own divorce? I'm guessing it wasn't the easiest time in your life. Try to have some sympathy for what he's going through.

Well, it sounds like you expected your son to come running home to you and pour out his heart. Most men simply do not do that. Can you imagine how humiliating it would be to admit that your wife was screwing around with your best friend?

Yeah, he is going to throw himself into work. If he is working, then he is not doing anything else that is destructive. Give him a break on that one. I would be concerned about the drinking and how much he drinks. All you can do is talk to him and let him know that you are concerned about his behavior. He is an adult and must make his own decisions.

As far as his behavior towards his former best friend, I would never have encouraged him to handle it in that way. However, karma is a b&%&. His friend made some really poor choices and it has come back to haunt him.

I suggest that you offer your support to your son and be there if he needs it. Otherwise, he needs time to heal and process the changes in his life. If he works a lot, then maybe he will further advance his career, which would be a good thing. Just give him some time...

He is depressed. He needs to see his doctor and get a check up. All of this stress has changed the chemicals in his brain.

He is not used to being this sad, stressed and disappointed. His world is upside down.

He is used to being in control, but he cannot control all of this disappointment. His father died(his rock) his wife left him (his heart) and his best friend betrayed him (his trusted advisor) .

This can be temporary with the help of a therapist and some temporary medication.

I was in denial about my depression. I finally went to the doctor and was advised to seek help. It was amazing to be ale to tell my story and realize, no wonder I was under gray skies. Medication allowed me to find myself, my energy and to make a plan on how to get past this.

I will admit, my mother was the last person I wantedto share all of this with. I was not used to being out of control. I was , I guess ashamed of my weakness and my behaviors.

Just mention to him, you miss him. Let him know he is very busy. Let him know you are giving him some space, but the one favor you are asking for, is that he go and get a good physical.

Mom, this will take a huge amount of energy for him to pick up a phone and do this. Offer to make the call for him and to pick him up and take him. At least the offer will be out there for him to mull over.

I am sorry he has had all of this happen, but when he works his way out of this, he will be stronger person.

He just lost 3 of the most important people in his life. His dad, wife, and best friend. All he has left is you. All you can do is love him and try supporting him the best way you can. Having his friend fired was a bad move, but it is water under the bridge. Don't remind him or scold him for it. He feels it was ok, and really, who can blame him. Maybe you can try to get him together with other family members or friends that he hasn't seen in a while. I'm sure it will take some time before he feels human again. What a terrible thing to happen.

He's got a lot to deal with and it's going to take time for him to get through it.
Some people want to keep busy when they have grief to deal with.
He's mourning the loss of his father and wife and best friend.
So I totally understand him throwing himself into his work - he feels like he has nothing to come home to.
Be there for him and listen to him.
He is your son but he is an adult too.

If it's any consolation - I knew someone who's wife cheated on him and it was a bitter betrayal and divorce.
6 months later her boyfriend dumps her and she comes crying back to him and he said "Hell no. You made your bed, you go lie in it.".
He was living in DC and was originally from Ohio - so he got a job close to his old home town and moved back there.
His father had a heart attack and when he went to visit him in the hospital he met a nurse who was caring for his father - and they married a year later - and he's living a happy life now.

So it's possible to bounce back - but you and he have to give it some time.

Additional:
It's not wise to sleep around with anyone at work (or any co-workers family) - EVER.
I've seen people ruin their lives over this sort of stuff.
You might think your son was off base over his getting his ex friend fired - believe me - I've seen much worse.
His friend made some bad choices - and it affected his career.
The ex friend and the ex wife should not be your focus.
They made their choices - and those choices had consequences.
You just focus on your son.

Be there for him, and understand that the first year or two after a divorce, you're just not yourself. If his dad also died recently, were the holidays all the firsts without his dad? That's so hard.

Address things you think are worrying, like the drinking. Tell him you are still proud of him. Can you imagine how awkward to tell everyone that your fairytale ended? That your HS GF/wife cheated on you with your best friend and you got divorced over it? Maybe they would even have been there. I cannot blame him for skipping the awkward conversations. Are you really so surprised he blocked his ex and former friend? Did you expect open arms? They're divorced. Why would she call him? She made her choice, and he made his and if they have no kids and everything is final, he owes her nothing.

He's hurt. Very very hurt. Of course he's acting differently. Wouldn't you? Are you really serious that you don't understand why he'd want to cut out this part of his life? If you didn't know how he/they were doing, you weren't very close to him. And maybe that's part of the problem.

oh, i'm so sorry. how awful. it must be breaking your heart to witness all this and not be able to help. i'd be wringing my hands and agonizing too.
it's all very well to say 'it's none of your business' which is clearly true. but i have a 'baby' this age, and while i'm very well aware that his stuff is not mine to fix, it makes not one whit of difference to my heart. while mine isn't (thank all the gods) going through anything like this, whenever he DOES hurt i have to twist myself into pretzels to maintain a healthy open-door-but-don't-interfere policy.
really, hon, all you can do is to keep that door open. and try not to nag, even gently (a tough one for me i must admit.) the temptation will be to keep probing the wound to see if he wants to unburden himself to your loving ears, but if you keep at it you'll probably just drive him further into himself. so keep the door open but do it lightly. don't call to see if he's drinking alone, or working too late- do it see if he'd like to see a movie with you, or drop by for dinner on saturday, or find some time on the weekend to help you move a couch. be the one thing in his life that's still pleasant and no-drama and loving and easy to be around.
and don't forget to give yourself some time to heal and nurture. you've lost a girl you clearly loved, as well as your son's childhood friend.
maybe he'll end up having some deep conversations with you, and maybe he won't. maybe you'll encourage him to get some help coping, or maybe he never will. your job here is tough- to stand in the sunshine with a smile, available but not pushing, so that even while his mind is tied up with bitterness, that reminder that life can be good is there in the background.
good luck, my dear. i feel for you.
khairete
S.

It sounds like he needs counseling. It also sounds like you are mad you lost a friend when his ex friend got fired. Yes, I think revenge is childish, but his ex friend helped ruin his family, ruining his job seems like a fair trade off. The problem is right now he is full of anger and hurt, feeling like he is a fool, like he is not good enough, 100 different destructive emotions (I know, I have been there). He needs to talk to someone, and it can't be you or some old friend, he needs to see a professional. Stop telling him what he did for revenge was wrong (even if it was not exactly right) and start focusing on simply supporting him 100% and encouraging him to seek counseling to help him heal.

Wow. When it rains it pours. See if you can get him to see a counselor. Doesn't he have other friends? Someone who could get him out on a Saturday night for dinner and conversation? He is a mess right now and its understandable but I would call out the troops for back-up support. His world has come down. As a Mama, we can pray, work behind the scenes and pray some more. Wishing you guys the best...

He sounds like he needs therapy to work through all his emotions that he is bottling up. If he won't do that, suggest looking through www.survivinginfidelity.com The many people on that forum are very supportive and can also provide him with advice and guidance.

All of his current behaviors are going to put him in jeopardy of his losing his job - please try to get him into counseling. His behaviors are very self destructive as you have noted. His employer probably has a confidential employee assistance program that offers counseling. Encourage him to go, although I am not sure he would go (unless forced to by his employer) It looks like he is trying to "wall off" the part of his life with his wife and also suffer through the grief of losing his father. So sorry for you - it is so hard to see your kids be hurting and destructive in their own lives.

You can't help fix someone until they admit they are broken. All you can do at this point is to let your son know that you are worried about him. He'll figure it out or not but it isn't your job.