Step Kid

Move out. Support yourself and your kids. Get child support for the O.-to-be and don't get married til your kids are grown and gone. I guarantee all of these problems will be a non-issue then.
Honestly, did you even TRY to work out these issues before dragging another new life into the situation?
Sounds like you have quite a bit of maturing left to go.
Good luck.

why are you having a child with a man who doesnt seem to parent his son?
He's picking on your kids and lying and your Fiancee laughs? His poor son is going thru the traumatic adjustment of his only Daddy marrying you and having another child who will get Daddy full time! and Dad isnt stepping up to the plate to help his son adjust. This sounds so sad for all four kids. I believe blended families can work if effort is put into it. Tell your fiancee you're not getting married till he goes to a family counselor with you to discuss the best way to help your stepson, your kids and this whole family.

I'm sorry but he's being a pre teen.
You can expect this from your own children when they get this age.
And you can't expect an 11 yr old to do his own laundry.
It really sounds like you aren't including him in the family he's the extra kid.
You aren't his mom yet, and will never really be his mom he already has one , you can't replace her even if you will be married to his dad.
Until you stop referring to him as his kid he will always feel like he's an outsider and will continue to treat you and your kids as an outsider. And really you and your kids and this new baby are taking his dad away from him. From your post it doesn't sound like you like this kid. He can pick up on that even if you don't come out and say it.

All I have to say is my heart ACHES for the 'Step Kid'. I hope yours and especially his father's will too.

K., I hope you can get this all sorted out BEFORE you marry this guy and his son. I understand that your soon to be step son is acting out because of all the change in his life. Going from an only child (with a dad who apparently doesn't enforce anything or care about lying) to being one of 3 (and soon 4) is quite a big change. When I was in a serious relationship with someone a few years back, I had to change my mindset in order to completely accept his son. Things that his son did would annoy me, but if my own son did the same things? I would say he's just a kid, he's only 7, etc, etc. I was making excuses for my son because he was mine and I loved him, but I would get annoyed with my bf's son because he wasn't "the same" to me as my own son. His son spent a lot of time with us, and I decided to put every effort into making his son equal to mine in my heart. That sounds really corny, but it was an adjustment I had to make in my thinking and my behavior. I wasn't trying to be his mom, he already had a great mom. But I was trying to be his "other mom"-- so when he was at our house, he had a temporary replacement mom lol. When I fully accepted him as my son too, things got better. I would still discipline him and tell him when he messed up, but I also loved the heck out of him (and still do). I don't know if that helps at all, but it made things easier and wonderful for us. Also, your fiancee needs to get on the same page-- when you make a rule, he needs to back you up on enforcing it. And vice versa. Kids need consistency, and that should help a lot too.

Good luck!
J.

An 11 year old boy is picking on other kids not doing everything his is told and talking back really that is absolutely unlike EVERY other 11 year old boy. Maybe the dad doesnt help you because he is trying to teach you a lesson do you refer to him and "the kid" to his dad? And yes he has every right to bring your kids which I am guessing are to him-"Step Kids" all is fair is love and war. Why is an 11 year old supposed to do his own laundry?
I suggest you make the peace with the fact that he is not your son and you cant make him your son and deal with this on another level or you have a hell of a war on your hands.

and you aren't even married yet? Yikes, it will just get worse unless you and your fiance get on the same page for ALL the kids. Google "blended families" and read up on some articles on the subject and print them out for your fiance to read as well and try to get it together. Good luck.

You need some family therapy - this can be worked out - but you all need to be on the same page. There are lots of professionals out there who understand the problems of merging families (this isn't anything unusual - it happens probably 75% of the time. If you and your finance are really trying to make a go of marriage this needs to be dealt with NOW- before the stress of a new baby comes into the mix.

K. -- as his future stepmother -- you need to butt out and leave the discipline to his dad. If his dad wants to wash his clothes, let him.

Do you want your stepson to love you and think you're cool or hate you? Do you want to put a lot of stress on your marriage that will probably end up leading to divorce?

These battles - laundry, chores, are NOT worth fighting. Let dad do the laundry and chores, and keep your marriage strong and your home life happy.

Now, if you relax about the chore part, then when the 11 year old is picking on the little ones, maybe dad will step up more. But you are being a nag over little, unimportant things. Pick your battles. Make your stepson love you by being fun and cool, and you will have a lot more success.

I love you, Theresa N.!!!!!

Unfortunately until you and your husband get on the same page about rules and discipline nothing will change. You can't be upset with your step-son because he is only responding to his fathers reaction. When you have a blended family, all rules and forms of discipline should be discussed between the parents to decide what you plan to enforce and how you plan to do it, including discipline/punishments. Then you both need to enforce it together. Your step-son is not at fault here. It's you and your husband and your lack of communication between each other that is at fault. I hope you can both get it together before your next child is born.

Does he live w/ you? If not, I'd be jealous too if I only got to visit my dad while he replaced me w/ a new child who was going to get to live w/ him full time. Don't think about how upset your are. Think about this kid who is shuffled back and forth between two homes and has to share his dad. Kids who aren't even his dad's get to live w/ him and now he's being replaced. Try and have some compassion.

An 11yr old who does chores half way? Nothing surprising there.

If his dad is around, you should not be doing discipline. His father should. HIs father should also be reassuring him and spending more time w/ him.

You make him do this own laundry? He's 11!! Let him be a kid!

You all need to attend family therapy. Now. Don't wait till your baby comes.

OMG!!!! I thought I was the only one.

Although the step-child in my life is a few years younger I have been dealing with a similar issue. Like your step-son, he ignores me when I talk to him, constantly reminds me that I am NOT his mother, make a mess just to spite me ... the list goes on. We both have adult children from previous marriages & they too see the issue I'm facing (this child is a result of his mid-life crisis gone wrong (heehee!!)).

When I have an issue & say something to his father his reply is always...."that's between you & him". Over the past few months I've come to realize that his father will be of no help and so I have begun to fire back; using his <the child's> words & gestures against him. When he asks me to help with or needs something I started ignoring him and occasionally I will remind him that I am NOT his mother. If he throws a fit, so do I. If he won't clean up after himself I leave the mess. He's now seing how it feels to be treated like a door mat and guess what...HE DOESN'T LIKE T!! So, things are getting better between us. One thing I've also started doing when he comes to stay with us is ask him to take of his mommy's hat & put on the daddy's hat; different house different rules. This seems to be working well as he is beginning to develop a level of respect for me & my home.

As far as the mother goes, I've had to remind her that deep down she knows i love her son as if her were my own & would never do anything to hurt him & while she may believe her child does not lie (yeah right!) he may not tell the entire truth & even exaggerate things and does so because he knows how she will react; this is my house & what goes on in it is none of your business...I don't but into the things that she allows him to do, or not do in her home & I even follow through with any type of punishment she's imposed to keep things as consistent as possible & I DEMAND the same respect. She's a very young mother of 5 (told you ~ mid life crisis gone horribly wrong) and is still too much into herself to see what's happening.

Well this is my story. The only advice I can give is if you loves this man you have to keep in mind he is a package deal and that you have to be patient with the both of them. But stand your ground and if you have to go on strike and let the house be messy do it. If his dad is willing to do his laundry, let him; eventually dad will get tired and so something about the situation. Talk with your kids and let them know why they have responsibilities and how this wil benefit them in the future. They see what's going on and while it may, at times, upset them & seem unfair they will soon come to understand.

Good Luck!!

GMGB!!

I'm not trying to put you down, but really read back through your post and look at the way you are talking about the child that will eventually be your "son" after you get married to his father. This is also something difficult that he is dealing with. He is going to have a new mother and sibling all at once. I'm sorry, but I find it difficult to feel sorry for you when he is the one that is going through the biggest change. I really hope that you will find a way to deal with the issues that you are having with this child. Counseling for you two might be a good idea, or you could take him out and try to find out what his interests are. Build a close relationship with him by finding out what he enjoys. Try to stop emphasizing "step". Your bitterness is only going to push him away.

Lots of great responses!! I don't have 1st hand experience with stepchildren, but most children do not seamlessly blend into a new situation. I wish parents would put the children first more often, rather than make life altering decisions and then expect the children to go along with it. Yours, mine, and ours is HARD! And, it almost doesn't seem fair to the children. I would definitely seek counseling to work on communication and feelings.

My father passed away when I was 11. My mom didn't start dating until I was 17 (my little sis was 14). The relationship became serious, but she would not marry him or let him even move in until my little sister left for college (I was 21 when they got married and she was 18). We were adults and it was still difficult. I am so thankful that she put the needs of her children first and her love life second. They dated over 4 years before they got married and now they've been married almost 12.

Put the children first!