Stepmother Sending Me Letters on How to Raise My Kids

You need to tell her everything you just told us. I'd be opening a good old fashioned can of whoop-A on this little snot!

Just let it go in one ear and out the other, that is what I did for the first few years after I had my twins, someone would tell me something that I knew wasn't going to work and after they would say it I would thank them and tell them that we would try it (even though we didn't) and when they would ask I would tell them a story of why it didn't work but I did this instead and they would like that response. If it gets unbearable tell her that she can gladly take him for a few nights and train him if she wants to.....

My sister went through the same thing. Mediator should help with this issue. Also, possible speak with an atty to find out what rights she has on doing this. She is sending these notes in a homework folder. Really does the teacher need to know this?

Having glanced at previous posts, you all need to go find a mediator. Some sort of protocol needs to be set up regarding appropriate lines of communication and some common game plan for parenting.

You three are all co-parents now. Clear communication is vital. Being on the same page with each other is going to be very helpful for everyone, most especially your children who are being made pawns right now, from what you've described. You and the wife of your ex have a lot of enmity between you and need a neutral party involved. You are expecting your ex (her husband) to pick your side or solve these problems, and this is not a reasonable expectation. Get some professional help to be the best family you can be together. If they won't go, get your own counseling so that you can master your feelings and not be triggered by your children's stepmom. A counselor can help you figure out some proactive approaches to problem-solving too.

I would bundle up all her notes and mail them back to her. Actually... I changed my mind.

I would also tell her she needs to speak to you privately if she has any actual concerns, and not include these items in the children's homework folders, which can be easily read by the children and teachers. In fact, that is slanderous behavior and I would call her out for it. Especially to do that in front of the children. I wonder what the lawyer would think about that. I agree, it sounds like she's building a paper trail... I would save her letters and call your attorney and let him/her know she is publicly putting these notes where the children and school can read them.

This would irritate the snot out of me!!! In fact it does irritate me and I don't even know you or your kids...LOL But try not to let it get to you. Try to laugh it off as her immaturity. I'm sure the teachers are rolling their eyes at her notes. If they're on her side, then they have a lot to learn too. She's young and immature and ignoring her letters and doing your own thing anyway, will probably be a lesson to her. Don't bug your ex about it or complain about her in front of the kids. Just throw the letters away and ignore her ignorance. She *might* grow up some day. Hang in there!!

*added* after reading you're "what happened" I'd say that he will be her ex too eventually! Sheesh!! Hang in there!! The kids will see right through her. She can't be psycho and hide it from everyone. It's out there for all to see and they will see her ways eventually, if not already. Good luck!!

Return them all to her unopened, with the same note attached to each:

Dear _____________

If you have anything to communicate to me regarding my children, please tell their dad and he and I will discuss the concern.

Thank you,

J.

I would make a bunch of slips of paper with these (or better yet, go to Staples and have a stack of post-its custom printed with this message) and stick them on each and every note and send it back the way it came.

The nerve of her, honestly!

Oh, that would irritate me! Especially since SHE is the step-mom, and NOT the mom. It just sounds like she's trying to assert some level of control over you. She has no idea what she's talking about, and even if she did, she needs to butt out. Step-mom does NOT equal mom (unless mom is out of the picture and step-mom becomes the mom - clearly not the case for you). You can always write a nice little note back saying "thanks for your cute little advice, but I'm the momma, not you. If I need your help/suggestions, I will ask for them".

I hope to never be in your situation. That would drive me completely batty.

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Not that it's any of her business, but it does tend (statistically and developmentally) to take boys longer to toilet train than girls. :-)

All right, as for your children's step-mom. She's trying too hard to be a good step-mom, and I think what she's going for is showing how much she's learning and is eager to learn, how much she cares about your children, how much she wants to work with you on raising the children.

The problem is that she has no clue how to effectively communicate that to you and she's being abrasive and know-it-all about it. It's coming across as really passive-aggressive and Mommier Than Thou. The good things are that she wants to work with you but most importantly she seems to love your children. She's making an effort even if it she has severe Foot In Mouth Disease.

Since your ex isn't doing anything about this then I would invite Step-Mom out to lunch for a Girls Afternoon Out. Get to know her. I know, it probably makes your teeth hurt. And maybe you'll end up feeling like you're parenting her in addition to your kids. If you open up the lines of communication with her I think it would really benefit you and the children, especially if you can find a way other than these seemingly passive-aggressive notes she keeps sending. And I think the reason your ex isn't stopping her is because she's probably the one who's responsible for caring for the children when they're over there, not him. I would guarantee it. So she's probably been getting a crash course in being a mother. Or mother figure if you will.

I mean, look at how many step-mothers post here in this community. They're virtually all well meaning, loving women who love their stepchildren as much as their own children. Hopefully you can talk it out with her face to face.

You asked her motive? I say it's for court purposes! Sounds to me like she is planning a move. She is preparing her case, gathering her documentation, and lining up her witnesses. You need to put a stop to this immediately! Start thinking strategically, because this chick certainly is.

Sit down and talk to her. Tell her that you appreciate all the effort she is putting into your children and in trying to help parent them. Tell her that you are thrilled with her concern for their wellbeing and glad that she cares. Let her know that while it may not be her intent, you feel that she is trying to tell you how to parent your children and possibly trying to make you look bad. Tell her that you would welcome constructive input/suggestions in the best interest of your children but would appreciate it if she would contact you directly and not place notes in their folders that go to school. Tell her that you feel she is trying to be a good stepmom and that means a lot but want her to also recognize that you are their mom and a good one. Tell her that you respect her role as their stepmom (and mean it) but expect the respect you deserve as their mom in return.

As for your son, tell her what you are doing and/or not doing regarding potty training so you can all be consistent. I have to agree about the pull ups. First of all, kids tend to know that they are like diapers and it's ok if they have an accident so it makes them less inclined to go potty when they are wearing them. I also know that they don't hold urine in especially at night when they are laying. I also know that boys can be very difficult to potty-train so it does take longer. Discuss this with her because since she doesn't have children of her own and is just 20, she may not know this.

Since she seems more than willing to step-up, capitalize on that and make it a good experience for you children...she's another loving adult role-model for them.

Hello, Due to the fact that she is only a child herself (I don't mean by age, I mean by her behavior) she is not going to stop this. It is getting to you and that is her goal. I would put them all in a file. Save them in case you have to ever go back to court on any issues. She has NO right to tell you how to raise your kids. She has NO right to make decisions on things which effect your kids. Any judge would tell her that. Your ex-husband is still being lead by his lower half of his body and will not do anything to stop her. Make sure your kids are safe and only talk to your ex. I wouldn't talk to her about the kids until she can actually begin to act like a grownup. As far as the potty training, you are doing a great job. Some kids just take a while longer with the nighttime training. It is no big deal. I promise that he will not go off to college still wetting at night.
Good luck with your precious children.
K. K.

Ahhhh....don't you just love it when people who have no kids love to tell others how to handle their kids! Your ex definitely needs to put his foot down with her. Step parents have a fine line to walk when it comes to the step children and she is definitely overstepping it. Maybe it's an insecurity thing with her. Like she is having to prove to you or whomever. She may feel threatened by you and with that and her immaturity (due to her age) it comes out this way. I sometimes get comments such as these from my eldest daughter (19) and her boyfriend (21) who don't have kids. What I tell them is this: "I too was a perfect parent before I kids." That usually shuts them up. Save all her notes and return them to her and tell her that if you ever need advice or suggestions from her that you will ask her. Otherwise keep you comments to yourself. That you will converse with your kids' father and not with her. Put her in her place if the ex won't. Good luck!

I'm so sorry that person is so insecure she needs to use your kids to try and make you feel bad! Bottom line is that your kids know YOU are their real mom and no matter what she says or does that will never change! You actually hit the nail on the head when you said she "has no kids". I remember how sure I was of how to raise kids until I had my own! Most moms will tell you the same thing - other people's kids behave better with you than with their own parents! Kids instinctively know what their boundaries are with the adults in their life and they keep pushing the boundaries with you (the real mom) because they feel safe to do so. They KNOW you'll never stop loving them! So ... take a big breath ... give your kids a great big hug and then throw those notes directly into the garbage without reading them! Best of luck!!

NO ONE ever has the right to tell you that what they do with YOUR children is none of your business. That's ridiculous that they would even think they had that right!

Tear the damn notes up right in front of her, without having read them.

As their stepmother, she has a place in their lives, but she is FAR overstepping. She needs to learn what that place is. You and your ex need to be in agreement about her limits and have a talk with her together. Don't attack her, but make sure she understands that she cannont dictate to you how you raise them. If she can't respect your wishes as thier mother, then she doesn't get to spend time with them.

And BTW, I'd probably have lost it on her by now. You sound like a very patient woman!

As a stepmother, I think that sort of thing is out of line, especially since she puts them in the kids' folders for public view and for the kids to see. That is not the appropriate way to handle a concern. I feel the issue here is not that the stepmom is caring for or helping to raise the kids on their father's time, but that she continues to communicate to their mother in a disrespectful way.

First off, I think it should be your ex and you and through phone call, email or face to face. Second, while I was a youngish SM with no kids who did have a clue, I think that if it's just a matter of semantics your house is your house and hers is hers. If she wouldn't appreciate you lecturing her, then she shouldn't lecture you.

You may have to tell your ex (again) that you do not find this appropriate (perhaps cite the kids or other people being privy to your business) and that all notes from here on will be shredded and if they need to convey something to you they can contact you x, y, z. You've already asked him to ask her to stop. I'd say it once more, perhaps in an email to them both for documentation. In 10 years there has never been anything I or my husband needed to convey to his ex that couldn't be done in email, phone or person. I'm very against kids being used as messengers, even passively.

I would also tell the teacher a very short version of what's going on. Just the facts. Just so she knows.

I suspect your step mother is writing you notes becaue she is trying to help and I bet she's trying to establish a friendship with you. If your step mother is only 20 she's probably younger than you and I'm sure she feels uncomfortable in her role with a step daughter older than she is.

Good luck to you and yours.

Send HER a note saying, "I will no longer read or respond to these letters. If you want to discuss the kids, please phone me. It's very inappropriate to use school communication lines for personal business." Then, if you get any more notes, throw them out without reading them.

I would tell her if she didn't stop this insane interaction with you - you were going to take her and ex to court about their behavior.

She is obviously just trying to make you mad and get under your skin. Don't let her have that joy! When you see the note--ignore it, leave it where it is and when you see your ex, confront him and tell him to get his wife in check. That she needs to stop this because it is confusing to the children and you don't appreciate teachers and everyone else seeing the notes. She has NO children, therefore, she has no room to judge. GL

M

i think you should take all the letters/notes and start a binder. and change your attitude towards them. everytime you add something ot the binder start laughing. make it a super funny place. so, she's 20 years old? i'm confused...

You need to have a talk with her, not your ex. Tell her you won't be reading anymore notes, so do not send them.

Deflamation of charactor! Lady you have yourself a nice lawsuit! I bet u win something! Go get her!