Stepson, 12 Having Processing Issues, I THINK.....

WOW, L.! It sounds like this boy has been through some painful times. (Maybe he didn't realize they were painful, but they certainly weren't good growing up experiences from what you have had to say.)
In some ways, what you see is normal kid behavior. In this case it seems he takes it to an extreme... likely because he had no good discipline prior to coming to you. I don't think you're going to find any easy answers to this, but he needs the boundaries, and even though he might act like he doesn't like them... and really believe he doesn't... he will be grateful for them later. Try to stay calm and loving as you continue to remind him (over and over and over again!) of the rules of your household. And try to get him to understand that it's important to you that he follow those rules because it's best for him. At twelve, he isn't going to believe that easily, but he needs to hear it from you anyway... again in as loving a way as you can convey it.

You mention that both his natural parents are drinkers. Does this mean your husband isn't on board with you or is not able to fully participate in his discipline? If so, the boy may try to throw it in your face that you're not his real parent. If so, try not to let that get to you too much. Just let him know you love him, and even though he isn't your biological child, you want to be the best parent for him that you can. And, I'm sure you know this, but it would be a mistake to yield to the temtation of putting down his real parents. If he brings up anything about his real mom not being there for him, you might want to say something like "I know, and that was a hard thing for you, but I'm sure she loved you and just didn't know how to do the things she needed to do for you." I'm sure - in your position - my natural instincts would be to want to let him know how terrible I thought she was, but that wouldn't be helpful to him at all.

I wish I had some easier answers to suggest, and hopefully someone else will come up with some better ones than I have, but know that I care about what you're going through in this and will pray that you find a way to help your stepson gain more good life skills.

Well, it sounds to me that since he came with no boundaries, he really doesn't understand boundaries. I would say you might want to get him and you guys into counseling together to help you set boundaries and to help him understand that the way he was living is not the right way.

I also feel that you might need to take baby steps with him. He no doubt has a lot of pent-up feelings with all that he has been through. The bed-wetting is usually a sign of a negative atmosphere. He was abandoned by his mother which in itself is so negative and then I have to wonder what was she like to live with if she abandoned his sister and him.

It won't be easy and it will take a lot of time to get him to understand that things are not that way at your home. Lots of love, understand and counseling are in order now.

I wish you the best of everything.

L., wow, your life is a testament to a mother's love..whether biologically or through a blended marriage. Your story just warmed me because all of these children are so blessed to have you dedication. If possible, I would consider having your stepson evaluated by a very good Speech Language Pathologist who specializes in Auditory processing. Also, an education specialist. Start with a very good child and adolescent psych who knows about learning disabilities, processing, SENSORY (he could be avoiding bombardment by using the electronics and food to self soother which is a sign that he has learned to compensate with very few resources in his youth, bless his heart!) Also, Contact the school psych and ask for academic, social, psyc, language (receptive too) assessment. I have a myriad of resources if you are in my area and am available if you email me. There are some wonderful sites and books as well, too many to list.
I also think your contacts through your older sons's CP may be of help. Lastly, sounds like the lying and stealing was the safest route for this kiddo. Try the book I tell everyone, parenting from the inside out and how trauma affects the brain early..Believe in rewiring though! Adolescent is a time where the brain is topsy turvey and some things are turned off in the brain but the need for love and that hunger never wains.
psych looks at processing as well,

L.,
My son does part of what your son does. He has to be told what to do on a daily basis. If I get really lucky, he will have already done it. We finally made a chart for him, so he would not forget. My son does have a processing disorder, and has ADD to go with it. I swear sometimes I can see his brain spinning inside his head. My son truly does not understand things at times, or acts like he does, but then does not do what we asked. One other thing, Ben will also not remember school assignments, to turn in, or to do them. I am wondering if your son is forgetting some of them at school, and then not turning in the ones that he has done. A class room full of students to someone with this disorder can be very overwhelming. We finally got diagnosed at the age of 11, and everything is fine if he takes his meds....but he is in special ed classes.
W.