Still Stuggling with My 11 Yr Old Lazy Daughter

My daughter is 10 and is the same way. What's really helped with us is to DOWNSIZE all her stuff. I'm lucky in the fact that every other weekend her and her brother go to their dads. So I take the opportunity to get rid of some things here and there and she doesnt even notice! I have also labled both kids rooms with lables on everything, the drawers and boxes, etc, so they know where to put things away. We have a few of those plastic 3 drawer containers that they put their things in. They can just take the drawer out, play with whatever is in there and then put it back. I mostly have to stand there and point and say, put that away, don't forget that, that goes over there, but she does it. So mostly my advice is these kids don't need so much STUFF and if there is less it's easier to manage. Good luck!

My daughter is 10 and we have just gone threw this same situation. My solution was I'm sorry you are sad but everyone else has there room clean so you will have to miss out on this family time. As a parent it was hard to hear her cry but I also want her to be responsible. Another option we tried was to give her 3 days to clean her room. If at the end of 3 days it wasn't clean she had to pay me the money she was saving for an american girl doll I went in and cleaned a threw a ton of stuff away. She wasn't happy but now when I threaten that she will go in and clean.

She is going to think you are mean no matter what you do, short of letting her have her way all the time. Anytime you say no, or prevent something, or institute a new something - you're 'mean'.

I can level with you on the relationship thing though - no one wants to alienate their kids. I would keep the conversations open and honest. I mean, really really honest. Explain to her why she cannot continue to be this way - in detail.

I know it sounds like a little much... but if you help her to see that people just can't live like that, and that its not a good habit to get stuck, it will help her to see (eventually) that your motives are to help her.

For now.. let her cry. And you know ...if it upsets you, its ok to be upset. If her crying makes you sad, and you cry as well... there is nothing wrong with that. If she asks whats wrong just tell the truth."I hate hearing you this upset, it hurts my feelings because I don't like making you sad... but its something that we have to do to make sure you grow up well."

Hang in there!! It will be okay!!

I hope you do not say she is lazy in front of her or to her. If she gets distracted, get in the room with her and help her. Listen to her music, ask her where she wants things to go, take her a basket for laundry, set aside a time each week for this. When you are done, invite her to the kitchen for a snack and spend some time talking. This process will make cleaning a positive experience, and help you strengthen your relationship.

I think perhaps if you think of logical consequences instead of discipline or being mean, it may help you follow through. The bottom line is your daughter is playing you. She knows that if she cries, aka "drama" in our house, then you cave.

You need to 'remind' her that her missing family time is the consequence for HER choice. You are not mean or making her do it. Perhaps it would help if you have some "chart" or written rules pre-established so that they are in writing, so that there's no debate when a rule is broken?

So the next time she breaks a rule or doesn't follow through, on something like cleaning her room, she misses out on whatever the activity is that night period. She still has to clean the room that night, however, she CHOSE not to do it when she was asked, so the CONSEQUENCE is that she lost the evening's activity.

This takes YOU out of the equation. You are not being mean. You are not making her miss out. SHE CHOSE to not listen/do what she was told to do, so, this is the consequence of that choice.

Basically, life is full of consequences for our actions. You are teaching your daughter at a young age that her decisions have LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES.

Hello T.-

When you say she gets distracted, in what way? Is it that she is overwhelmed and cannot focus on what to do first? I watched a friend move recently. He was in a huge mess trying to get organized, but he couldn't. He kept seeing all he needed to do, but couldn't start.

Because I work with families who have children with ADD/ADHD, with medication free treatments, I recognized the signs. I helped him by telling him to do one thing, one section at at time.

When I work with ADD/ADHD kids, I give them specific instructions, often written instrucitons, about what I expect. As in, what I expect from a clean room.

I try to assume that children want to please, so when things like this pop up, I try to see what OTHER reason the lack of follow through could be. This idea has helped a lot. Instead of me becoming angry, I try to look at the situation through the child's eyes, and help them susceed.

I hope these ideas help.

R. Magby

I also was going to mention the possibility of ADHD. The tips below are good ones. Medication can also make a life-changing, wonderful difference if it is ADHD. I would consider asking her pediatrician for a referral to a psychologist or neuropsychologist if you think ADHD could remotely be a possibility. Check out the website for ADDitude magazine for some articles on the common indicators of ADHD (www.additudemag.com).

Does your daugter have ADD? For someone who has it, its a terrible struggle to finish tasks, and sometimes even to start them. They are often lableled as lazy because thats exactly what it looks like.

Well first I would pick which battles I want to fight. If her behavior or attitude an issue? If the only thing she has is a messy room and how messy it is. Dirty dishes and garbage everywhere needs to be addressed. But if her room is just generally disarranged then so be it. You might want to try and joint clean up every 2 week or month if it really bothers you. Remember you won't jeopardize your relationship by being the parent, you are not her friend but her mentor and needs your guidance.

My Mom says the job of being a parent is to slowly put yourself out of a job. You start with a helpless infant and raise them to be well adjusted adults who can raise children of their own. Being a parent is tough, and it doesn't mean you are their friend. You have to decide what is best for your child and the child is not always going to like it. I told my son, I have your best interests in mind, and I'm not doing you any favors by giving in to you and letting you slouch off. To become an adult, you have to learn to make choices and you will suffer the consequences of those choices - So Choose Wisely! Explaining these facts of life to him does not make me mean and it doesn't make you mean either. My son loves and respects me but I don't worry about him always liking some of my choices and he knows it. It might take 10 years for your child to thank you, if ever. The rewards are not immediate. Hang in there!

Have a talk with her first and set the ground rules. Let her know what get taken away and when or why. That waay she will know whats coming ig she does not behave.

what you could do is go to www.flagpagetest.com.

typically, this test is used to help couples understand each other. (so you and your husband/bf/whatever should definatly take it!) but there is no reason why a kid couldnt take it and have the same kind of result. it is 12.50 for each code to do the test, but its AWESOME and worth the money.

my brother is kinda like this. hes slow, procrastinaty, all of that. the number one thing we have to do is stop labeling. especially negative labels like "lazy". thats not motivating. the flag page test has a list of adjectives. she would choose the ones that DEFINATLY describe her. not ones that maybe describe her, but DEFINATLY. very important thing to note: DO NOT HELP HER CHOOSE ADJECTIVES. you can help her if she doesnt know what one word means, but do not tell her she has to pick any. my brother literally picked 5.
and he ended up getting a profile that perfectly describes himself. the reason he seems like hes slow and lazy is because he only wants to do things the easiest and most perfect way that he can. this isnt a form of laziness; its a method of how he feels in life, and he likes that about himself. connect this to the next idea i mention.... : giving her the tools to make it easier and perfect for her to clean her room.

she cries because her room is so messy? this sounds more like a problem of her not knowing where to start, and really not having the tools to actually clean her room or keep it more tidy, than her not wanting to or just not choosing to clean her room. perhaps take a trip to a store and get her some baskets, shelves, whatever, so she has a place to put things. let her pick things out that she is excited about. (remember to make a budget though beforehand and try to stick to it - then it also becomes a budget lesson :P)
get her hooks to hang things on. does she like to fold her clothes and put them in a dresser? or would she prefer to hang most of what she can? im a hanger, so i have all my shirts hanging, and i bought a hanging shoe organizer (one with shelves, not slots) and i put my pants into the little shelves. you can but the bigger ones as well if you prefer. find a way to figure out how she would like to organize her room, and give her the tools to be able to do that.

does she have too many things in her room to begin with? perhaps she and you can look through her things and donate them to a needy kid in the neighborhood, a friend, whatever. also; dont forget the power of bartering; get her friends together, or kids of similar sizes, and have a huge clothing swap. for every item a kid brings, they get to bring home a similar item. it doesnt matter how many things a kid brings, everyone should swap something. any extras can be donated to a goodwill or something. find something that will get her excited about downsizing (better now than after shes had her own place for 20 years and stockpiled a bunch of "things" that dont even matter or get used!)

anyway, this doesnt sound at all like shes lazy, it sounds like shes overwhelmed. help her by giving her a list. instead of "clean your room" you break it down; "first pick up dirty clothes and put them in the hamper/laundry. second pick up clean clothes and put them away _____. third pick up books and put them ____. fourth pick up puzzles.... fifth pick up ____ kind of toys, etc. break it down so that she has an eaiser time staying on track. if us moms make lists, why shouldnt kids need them too? when i am going to clean the house, i definatly need a list. when im going grocery shopping, i definatly need a list.

anyway, try to work with her to figure out how to help her . and try to find more positive traits (the flag page test will do that!)

First, I would sit down and make a list of expectations you have for her concerning chores and her bedroom. When she gets home from school have a "sit down" with her. Go over the expectations. Let her know you are willing to help her get started, but she will be ultimately responsible for keeping up with her chores and bedroom. 11 years old is old enough to clean her own room! Help her organize and get rid of junk!!!
Phone, tv, computer, sleep overs etc ARE PRIVELEDGES!! They are not owed to a child! The should not be given out if the child has not completed his/her expected chores. Since you are just starting this, it is going to be hard for both of you!
Explain that the decision to have her priveleges is hers, not yours. SHE is the one that has to decide if SHE is going to complete her chores or clean her room. If she chooses not to do them, then she doesn't get her privledges. You need to turn the blame around off of you and on to her because it is HER fault if she doesn't clean her room, not yours. And when you she asks for something and her chores aren't done you simply say, "I'm sorry, you decided that you did not want to complete your tasks, therefor you have given up that privelege for "x" anount of time.
You can not expect her to adhere to your new rules if you do not stick to them. The first time you give in you will ruin all the work you are doing to help her become more organized and efficient. You will also send her a message that she can do what ever she wants with no consequenses!!
The important thing is to convey that you are willing to help her transition to the new rules. Remember that she will never be as organized or neat as you are because she is just a kid, but as long as she makes an honest effort let it go if it's not perfect.

I agree with several of the other mothers, get her checked for ADHD or ADD. I have ADHD though most ppl would never know it because for females, it tends to be more mental than physical but still just as overwhelming and hard to get organized and things can easily overwhelm us, especially when cleaning. I've had to teach myself to pick one task, work until it was done, then go to the next one because if I don't, I end up running all over the house trying to get it all done at once then nothing gets completely done.

Now is the time to be teaching her how to discipline herself. She is coming up on her teen years fast mom, she needs to know how to do this and it is up to you to teach her so rather than looking at it all from the standpoint of punishment and being the mean parent, perhaps change how you look at it and look at it as a form of teaching instead. You are teaching her how to take care of herself, how to organize herself, and these are life long skills that she NEEDS. One mom suggested a list of rules and consequences and I think that that would be great for her. That way she knows what is expected of her and when and when it doesn't get done, she has to deal with her own choice. It is this way in the work place to. With my kids, if they didn't do the work, they didn't get their allowance, just as it is in the workplace, you don't do the work, you don't get paid. Each chore had a specific amount set to it and if it didn't get done, then that amount was subtracted from their allowance. She needs to learn these skills now and it is up to you to teach her as well as to work with her to find what works best for her. Have a sit down and talk to her about what you are doing so that none of what you plan to do takes her by surprise, let her know what is expected and what the consequences are and work with her on it before you toss her off on her own. As a parent, it's not about discipline at all, but about teaching our children, think of it that way and you will see a difference in how you handle things and in how you work with your kids. Good luck!

organization is very important. It can be overwelming for even adults if it is so bad that you don't know where to start. Help her organize her room and get rid of stuff that she has outgrown or doesn't need anymore. Help her get it cleaned and remind her that putting things away as you go is the only way she can stay ahead of the game. If this doesn't help, you can try what I did with my then 9 year old daughter. I was putting laundry away and opened one of my daughters drawers to find she had made peanut butter crackers and had them sitting in the drawer, not even in a baggie. I knew that it was out of control if she had food in her drawers. We never had restrictions on food as long as they eat well for the most part. Anyway, I took a few grains of rice and colored it black and then laid it on her desk which she had a sucker sitting on. Then I waited until she got home. This is a girl who kept everything from every school paper to even the gum wrappers. She had asked for a filing cabnet for her 9th birthday so organization wasn't as much of a problem as picking up. She walked into her room and I heard the "MOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!" I went in and she pointed to the rice and said "What is that??" I looked at it and said "Oh, it looks like mouse turds!" That wasn't a lie, it did look just like it. She started to panick and I told her that if I were her I would get rid of all the food in the room and all the paper and such that she doesn't need. Her eyes were huge when she asked me "do mice eat paper?" I said "no, they make nests out of it and have babies in it!" She is now 27 years old and she is still organized and very neat. I admitted what i did when she was around 20 and she thought it was funny. Now when people ask her how she keeps her place so neat she tells them I caused it and tells them the story.

About your relationship with your daughter. Be a parent first, a friend second, not the other way around. Kids need boundries and they do come back even if they claim they hate you and you are the meanest mom in the whole world. You aren't mean if you expect her to respect you and to be the kind of person who is self relient, responsible and giving. If you don't get a handle on it now you will end up with a teen from hell in a couple years. By following through, even if she is crying her pretty eyes out, you are doing her a bigger favor then you will ever know. I will warn you though, if there is any chance that you will eventually give in, don't say no in the first place. Each time you give in on a "No" you teach her to outlast you and manipulate you, that won't be in her best interest, nor yours.

Please be sure that if you say you are going to take away a privilege if she does not do as she is asked, that you follow thru. Even the best kids learn very quickly how to manipulate their parents.
Does she know how to clean her room? Maybe she needs to learn how to organize and where to put things. When my daughter started crying about cleaning her room, I bought cute baskets to put on her shelves and labeled them. I also put labels on her dresser drawers, in her closet and on all her toy shelves so that she would know where to put things. That made cleaning her room much easier and quicker for her. After the good habits were established, we were able to take some of the label off so that her room was pretty again.
Good luck!

This is what we did with our son. He had/has a pretty good case of ADHD and we did not medicate.
We took all his toys away. He was actually relieved. He was able to relax in his room without his "stuff". He only asked for his Legos back. THe Gameboy was only a car toy and he got to watch a movie only on weekends. I did leave his books on the bookshelf.

I also sit in the room with my daughters now. I say let's get these stuffies picked up. Then I pick another item to get put away. We do this until the room is clean. I have gone in with big garbage bags and filled them to take to Goodwill. I also pitch things. There are times when actions speak louder than words.

I do not ask my children to have their rooms spotless if the rest of the house is in turnoil. Right now we are selling the house so it's a bit different, but usually on Saturdays we do chores and I ask for the rooms to be cleaned. If they don't get there I just close the doors until I can't stand it any more, or we're having company.

She doesn't want to miss family time but she also doesn't want to be stuck up there with no idea how to do it. They still have to be taught at 11.

You can give her a timer to get one section done then she gets to come downstairs and you check. Lots of positive reinforcements then she does it again, 10 15 minutes on the timer.

I have a 13 yr old son and we have had some of the same struggles. Recently he was not turning in homework at school. It was done and he knew the material but he just wasn't turning his work in. My husband and I took away ALL of his privliges...cell phone, TV, friends, computer time...we had HAD enough! In doing this and sticking to it, he admitted to me that he can cry at the drop of a hat and uses that to make me feel bad so I will give in!
We have given him his privilages back slowly but I have to say his whole attitude towards us and getting things done has been night and day difference. Where he used to talk back and not do things when we asked him to, he now does it with a good attitude. He knows now that we are going to stick to what we say. We were "the worst parents EVER!" when we laid down the law but our relationship with our 13 yr old is better than ever now!
Taking away privliges might make you "mean" but it makes you a good parent and your daughter a more responsible kid.

OK, I've seen my parents try to not "be mean" to my brother and because of it, he has no sense of responsiblity (at the age of 40) and I cannot imagine why his wife stays with him. She supported him while she was pregnant with his child, because he wanted to do what he wanted. He didn't think of what he HAD to do because no one stood up to him and forced him to take his responsibilities seriously.

You can be her friend now, and then watch her ruin her life later. Or you can be a parent now and see your daughter be something amazing in life.

I'm really not trying to sound harsh, but I blame my parents for the mess that is my brother's life, and now the mess that is his wife's life, and their children.

I was a generally easier child and they did expect things from me in no uncertain terms. My life is on track. He was obstinant. He was more difficult. He fought. He won in the short term, but I would hate to be in his life now. He actually makes a ton of money but he has no sense of responsibility, so by the end of the month, he can't pay his rent (and by a ton, I mean well into the figures).

My brother, btw, is the most intelligent person I've ever met in my life. Unfortunately, he has no self discipline, which is actually a lot more important than intelligence.