Struggling with Wasted Years

Time wasn't wasted at all. You were doing all the things you needed to do to get you where you are today! No one is wasting time who continues to change their goals and accomplishments.

Being in recovery for 19 years there are times I look back on my "using" years and think what a waste, I could have done so much more.
Then I look at the last 19 years and think wow it could have been so much worse. I got clean at a fairly young age (24) and I see a lot of people still trying to get clean and sober in their 40s, 50s and so forth. I didn't start using until my late teens (18) so my childhood was good. Yeah I had 6 or so years that I will never get back and that were not ones that were good but I got a second chance and I ran with it. I have a beautiful family, a secure job, many friends, just so many blessings.
So when I am down I think I could have died in my addiction and I didn't. Makes me grateful.
Everyday is a gift and I wish you many blessings in all that you do.

Not really. Not that my life was bliss but I am good now and I would not be in this place at this point in time if I had not walked the path I did.

So see you cannot claim to be in a place where everything is possible if you still believe that someone held you back.

Not sure if that makes sense but you are looking at those people controlled you. They didn't, you gave up control. Your choice, nothing wrong with it but if you hadn't you wouldn't see the control you have now.

You are who you became because of where you were.

God I sound like greeting card!!

Clear as mud?

E., we all grow in our own time and in our own ways. Seems that yours was a bumpy road. Congratulations on your newfound sense of self and direction.

Best,
F. B.

If you're always looking behind you, you'll miss what's ahead of you.
Look up.
Good luck!

Oh, E., don't let the events of the past cancel out the good of the future.

Everybody has regrets of one kind or another. Some are BIG ones. But all that time is gone. In a way, that's sad, yes. In another way, it's happy. As the saying goes, you can't go back and change your beginning - your past - but you can start today doing the things that will make a happy ending. And it's amazing to think what YOU will be able to do and whom YOU will be able to help in the next fifty-one years before you celebrate your century birthday. (You're planning to, right?)

Around my half-century point - and I'm not going to tell you how long ago that was - I had feelings of sadness, too, feeling over the hill, thinking back to things I would like to have done differently or wished had happened differently. At the same time, however, I also started realizing the advantages of being where I was right then. You can, too. We both know we can't start any younger, and that's a wonderful thing to know!

To use your own imagery, spinning wheels isn't so bad - if you've picked up some traction and are now moving.

No, you can't go EVERYWHERE now - but you never could! Now you can go more places than you would have gone in past times. Nobody does everything (except in movies).

Do have a support group? Do you have positive friends who can help you stay focused on the good things and the right directions? Can you start a gratitude journal, and would it help you remember what and who has helped you get to the good places you're in now? One of these days you're going to need to figure out how to forgive those other folks, too, so that your own sad memories won't chain you down.

I think feeling keenly aware of how short life is an epiphany that happens sometime in and around your 50's. I think regrets and all kinds of other feelings emerge from this realization.

I think your feelings are the normal result of realizing that life truly is short. Don't waste any of the rest of it on regret.

Also, perimenopause and menopause can leave you feeling kind of blue, so a lot of it might be hormonal.

Yes, I can relate. But apparently, it gets better.

Never look back that they are wasted years instead look back and learn from the past so that you wont be wasting the future.

I cant think of any reasons for you to not go back to school and do what you want with your future. We never stop learning in life and we don't come with expiration dates tattooed on our behinds.

:-)

E.:

Whenever I feel that way (and I do, and I especially have recently) I try to keep in mind that a lot of the "older" people in my life (by older, I mean older than me) say that right now is the prime of their life. Their earlier years were for practice and trying to figure things out and now they are finally living.

I think it is great that you have a plan to put your dream into action. It's not too late and now you actually know what you want to achieve. I am sure you have learned valuable lessons from your past. Wouldn't you think that even 10, 15 years doing what you love is better than nothing? It's really plenty of time!

Most people never realize it.

The only way anything is truly wasted is if you learned nothing from it. And when I say learn, I mean something that can be used in a productive way and has gained you discernment.

I think most people can relate in some way and to some degree. I try not to spend time in regret but can't say I've never been regretful. But sooner or later you face what is and move forward. And begin to see that without mistakes made I would not be where I am now, better than before and continuing to learn and grow.

Without being aware of how short it all is you wouldn't be doing what you are now. Be thankful! Realize you're still spinning your wheels but just in a different way. So each time you want to think of your mistakes and how you use to spin, Stop yourself and give Thanks. Grateful attitude can do much to change things around. Be thankful for your awareness now, not later.

I hope that your studies help you get through this. Unless you can heal yourself, you can't rightly expect to be a mental health counselor to others. If you continue to feel this way, seek out a counselor with a lot of experience.

You can look at life like the glass is half empty, or you can look at your 50's as a new stage of life. We spend the first part of our lives learning what does and doesn't work. What does and doesn't make us happy. We have different expectations of those around us as we get older. We go from no responsibility as teens, to grown up responsibilities that can be at times overwhelming in our 20's and 30's, and then in our 40's and 50's, we can choose to take on less responsibility and simplify our lives. Our children leaving the nest, us finding interests that don't involve raising children, etc can give us a newfound sense of freedom.

For you, looking onward may help you get past your past disappointments. If you can see your way to actually ENJOYING school, it might help you stop feeling so bad. Have you ever heard the saying that college is the best time of your life? Well, start feeling that way! LET school in your 50's BE the best time of your life. Think of it as saving the best for later.

If you don't do that, then you are just making yourself miserable. And I promise you'll make others around you miserable too.

I went through a lot of rough years in my early 20's (had a baby at 20, rough start to the relationship my husband and I have now, financial troubles, etc). However, I always say I would not be WHO I am today if I had not gone through everything in my past. Every day shaped me in one way or another.

I do not blame anyone for my choices or the things I went through. Sure, people played parts, but my response to those things that happened was my choice, and if I chose to listen, stay, whatever, that's on me. Not them.
I control my own emotions, my actions, my choices. No one gets to decide for me.

What I'm saying is, embrace your past, it is what it is and you can't change it. The things you went through, made you who you are today. Would you have the desire to do better and move forward if you didn't have things in the past pushing you forward? Maybe, maybe not.

Follow the path you want to take, take ownership of your life, and reach the stars!

When I was in college, I majored in Accounting. One week, we had a speaker come to our accounting club to give us some tips, etc. Anyway, this woman was in her mid to late 50s. She told us that she was a middle school teacher until her mid 40s, then decided she wanted to do something completely different. She got her accounting degree and never looked back and now she was on track to make partner at her firm. All this when her colleagues were looking to wind down and think about retiring. This woman was passionate about her chosen career, even with that late start, and you could tell her age meant nothing compared to her drive.

My daughters' 5th grade teacher had a similar story. He was a career executive at Comcast for decades. One day, he decided to quit that rat race and become an elementary school teacher. So he did...he must have been in his late 40s, early 50s when he decided that. He was the best teacher my girls ever had.

Moral of the story: it is never *NEVER* too late to start fresh, whatever your circumstances may have been. 49 is still young. If you have the motivation and passion, go for it. Everything you've done up to now is in preparation for the next phase of your life. You're nowhere NEAR done. What you've overcome will help propel you on to what you want to do next. NEXT is a great word. What comes next? How wonderful that you have the option of choosing what's next. You're just getting started, E.. Go for it.

Yes - you are definitely not alone. I'm 46 and I've had those feelings as well. I've only just found a career I want to pursue. I've had JOBS, but not a career. I spent a bit of time doing what you said as well.

Counseling did help, and if you're going back to school, you should be able to take advantage of free counseling support through student services.

Those years weren't wasted - they were/are your formative years. These "awful" years shaped who you are.

Many people on this site come from backgrounds that are/were similar to what you describe. There were many friends, family members and others who "put" them down telling them that they would not amount to anything.

You have to pull deep from within and be positive. You have to prove to them and you that you are worth everything you want to do. Sometimes that means going the road alone for a very long time. But at the end of the journey you will have come out much stronger.

I had family members who said things to me. I had school guidance counselors that were not positive. I had this determination deep down inside of me that said I had to prove that I could do it. There were many mistakes along the way but I made it. The recent time with my husband being ill and having to retire and all the other things that go with it and the bank and the house and paying things on time as closely as possible. These all took a toll on me but I kept going one foot in front of the other. I now have to do this again with a change in my health but I will continue to do so at the ripe old age of 66.

Just know as long as you try to do something and make it good. People will watch you from close and afar to see how you are doing. You never know when you will be come a role model for one of them. Hold you head up high and carry yourself with respect and believe in yourself and in a higher power/being. All will be good.

Every day is a new day and a new way to make it right. Each day we are alive we get to make a difference for yourself and your family.

Keep us posted. Never give up.

the other S.

In some ways yes. I turned 50 in April.

I went back to get my college degree when I turned 36 so I graduated at 40, worked a year got laid off.

I started my career in 2005. I have worked hard and I think back and get angry with myself for goofing off in my early 20s. But I learned so much about myself during that time. I also realized I'm pretty darn smart.

I was an example to my kids and my husband was a great support. In that aspect, I'm very lucky. I think about how I could be more successful if I had known then what I know now. However, that can be said for life.

I have realized in the last few years that I am where I am supposed to be. I do have my faith and that helps.

What I say is be glad you aren't 69 and coming to this realization. You are still young and can achieve any and everything you want. Look at those painful experiences as life lessons. I would bet that had you not had them you would not be where you are today. Nothing is wasted IF you learn from them!!!

your feelings are what they are, and sometimes attacking them with logic is counter-productive. you know those years were 'wasted', and logically you know that you are continuing to 'waste' time by dwelling on the loss now, instead of being fully and joyfully present.
it will be interesting to see how your current emotional struggles impact your studies. if you allow them to mold you without controlling you, you'll be an incredibly insightful and empathetic counselor. but if you remain enmeshed, you could wind up just another one of those people (we all know 'em) who enter the mental health field in a desperate effort to address their own problems but don't know how to own them.
are you in therapy now?
khairete
S.

All I can suggest is not to dwell on the past. It's over and done with, and you can do nothing to change it. Living with regret makes for a miserable experience.

It sounds like you are ready to seize the day and move forward.
Get ready to enjoy your life and what you make of it. It's all up to you!
Carpe Diem!

I think everyone feels that way at some time or another. Just start where you are and make changes. Realizing where you were should make your new path easy to follow. Don't be hard on yourself. As long as we keep improving, we're moving in the right direction...

We all experience growing pains. Key is not to allow other people to shape how you feel about yourself. Follow your dreams and know that there is always risk when pursuing happiness. But just don't sit and do nothing. Happiness doesn't come to us, we have to seek it and along the way make sacrifices.

Well, I'm sort of having this same crisis - but I'm a bit younger, I'll be 34 this year. But okay, I probably won't be able to DO something about my crisis until my kids are out of the house, which will put me EXACTLY at 49 if they leave when they are supposed to.

I am preparing myself now - for what I want to do then - but I'll have a few years of preparation after they are gone to finish up the things I just don't have the time for now.

I find it helps not to look at what others around me have achieved, but just focus on what I've done with my life so far, the fact that there was a PURPOSE, God given, to all of it - and that I will be proud of myself when the sun begins to set on my life.

Yup. My best friend from high school is just starting her own psychiatric clinic for abused women, or something. She was a year behind me in school, got way worse grades, etc - and here I am, a stay at home mother, and the best thing I do is teach piano and ESL once a week. Wait - see, that's what my brain tries to tell me. REALLY, I am raising my children right, I am enjoying my time regardless of achieving little, and I am appreciating my moments - not just studying them by while my child grows old without me.

See, that's my best illustration for why you are in a GOOD place. ;) You are well loved, I am sure, and I am happy for you and praying for you in whatever you choose to undertake, whenever you choose to undertake it.

Even at 49 your life is unwritten. All of us live each day unwritten, and its up to each of us to write a new page every day.

This is your chance to do amazing things in your life. Use your gift of 49 years to reach out and touch someone struggling with what you have overcome.

Who you are today and who you will become is a cumulative effect of what you have done and been in the past. Nothing is wasted...it sound like you've learned a lot about your life and you have gained knowledge from it.
If you think about it, all any of us have is the present and the future. Go forward...the past is gone for all of us whether we like what we did or not. Don't waste your present and your future wallowing over what could have been. Sounds corny but today is the first day of the rest of your life.

I can so relate. However, be thankful that God has allowed you time to straighten it all out and learn from all you've been through. Know that our tomorrows are not promised, and know that you are right where you need to be. Give wisdom to those around you that need it; you might be a blessing to someone else in turmoil.
:)