Tattling v Retaliating

Hi A.,

I run a before and after school day care and deal with kids age 5- 10. I have told the kids that if someone does something physical to you, you need to come and tell me rather than hit or do something physical back. To me that is not tattling. I feel that tattling is when a child is not listening or sitting like they are supposed to, (Something along that line, anyway) and another child comes up to me to report it. To me that is tattling. That is just getting into someone elses business, when they should be minding their own. Sooner or later the child that is doing something wrong will get caught. The only time I don't mind if they tell me is if the child that isn't doing what he's supposed to is in danger of falling or something like that.However, when there is physical contact, that could be considered bullying and I don't allow that. Hope this helps.

What school teaches not tattling these days?
I am sorry but children need to be taught that it is ok to report when someone hurts them. There is a difference between reporting and tattling!
Tattling is telling on a situation that they were already able to resolve for themselves. Reporting should be ok for ANYTHING that that hurts them or makes them feel unsafe.
I would WANT and ENCOURAGE my child to report anything that they feel is wrong!

As a teacher I would explain to my students the difference between tattling and telling. You could try this with your son. Tattling was when they would tell on someone for something that was not hurting them and was none of their concern (Johnny keeps pushing his pencil towards me, or Johnny doesn't have his name on his paper) Telling was letting an adult know that someone is doing something that is hurting you, or could hurt themselves or property. Teachers try to see everything, but they can't. As much as we don't want children to become tattlers we also want them to be able to stick up for themselves and sometimes that means getting an adult to intervene - otherwise they resort to the same violent behavior they are experiencing because they don't know what else to do.

Good luck.

Not sure if this will work but how about telling him to say in his LOUDEST voice something like "You scratched me, Johnny, Stop It!" and then move away from the other child if possible. If a teacher is within ear shot, she heard it and would most likely intervene but he didn't actually tattle, he was simply standing up for himself and telling the other kid to stop it. Then if the child doesn't stop I would certainly encourage my child to defend himself.

Good luck,
K.

I have also preached to my kids about tattling. However, I have also asked that they let someone know, whether at school or at home or even a friends house, when there is a problem. When my kids tell me that someone purposely threw snow at their face or push them to the mud or hit them or whatever, I ask if they let anyone know. They have also been told since about 1st or 2nd grade that if someone hits you, you hit back to protect yourself because the person won;t stop, not just to hit back. Let someone know so it can be handled. This is also taught at school. There is a bit of difference between my kids telling me that so and so is doing whatever and "he slapped me". I realize it is a fine line in a lot of cases but it has helped quite a bit. I also think it will help when my kids reach their teens (not too far off) and they meet people and make friends with others that may need to be "tattled" on.

Let it go for now. It was one scratch. If problems continue with this child, worry about it then.

I understand the dilemma. There are many sides to this. For instance. Two grown-ups are talking and one child takes something from another or gives them a little annoying tap or push. It's not meant to hurt and the child pushed or tapped is not crying. But they very loudly protest and interrupt the grown ups and I believe that's pretty much what the child that did the pushing or tapping meant to do.

I for one have a huge beef with people that allow kids to constantly interrupt. I think it's rude and that kids need to learn their place in the hierarchy of life. We give them so much of ourselves all day long. We cook for them, clean for them, change our lives and plans for them, entertain them, and create parties, experiences, and all kinds of nice scenarios for them. They sure as heck can learn NOT to interrup. And yet...how to teach a kid when it's right to do it? I tell them if someone is being really hurt... They are bleeding, crying, knocked down, or in pain, then a grown up needs to know NOW. We can't always be right there, and sometimes even when we are right there, stuff still happens.

If the child was scratched as in the skin is broken, then they NEED to tell the teacher NOW. That is not acceptable and I would not see it as one little scratch. Hurting someone is not allowed PERIOD. But, if it didn't break the skin, then maybe the other child was just trying to annoy him or get his attention or make him holler out. It's never too early for a child to learn that other children will try and get them into trouble.

In my world of 24 hour daycare, this subject is very difficult for me. I want to instill good morals and ethics into these children. I have one child that is TERRIBLE about tattling. He will do all sorts of mean and bullyish things to the other kids. He gets put in time out for it and is often made to play by himself for periods of time because of the way he treats people. He's also destructive and his mother and I have been working hard on training this out of him. AND YET...this child that is the king of sneaking will get out of his own time out to come and tattle on some other child for sneaking or even if he just thinks they are. He will tell in a hot second when another child is doing something, anything at all that he feels is against the rules. Sometimes it's not even really anything bad the child is doing. He just hopes to get them into trouble.

These are the kinds of things I talk a lot about with my kids. I think parents should talk about all kinds of scenarios with their children and the teachers at school should too.

I don't think it's really about teaching children that they should keep each others secrets out of solidarity. It's more an annoying thing for the grown ups. We get annoyed because it can take a big chunk out of our day if they start the constant tattling on each other. It's a game they play to try and get each other into trouble and we know it. So it annoys us. We need to be very CAREFUL. We don't want children to keep their mouths shut all the time. When they are in the older grades it could be about something serious like some girl is making herself throw up or someone else is threatning to bring a gun to school.

Sorry...I don't have an easy answer. TALK, TALK, and TALK some more with kids about this subject. It could be life or death.

Good Morning A., Tattling is saying someone is bothering you. Telling it informing someone you are being hurt. I would not allow this to continue.

God Bless
K. Nana of 5
PS I hope this goes through. None of my posts have so far.. So i am trying once again.

Yes, our kids are caught between a rock and a hard place, hm? Let's see, some kid says/does something to us and we aren't allowed to react with saying anything to an authority figure OR fight back. Why does that make sense to anyone? This is what I tell my kids;
A. If someone says something mean tell them it isn't nice. If they persist give them your BIGGGGEST smile and tell them to have a nice day. Believe me, the kid won't know what to say and you have said something nice.
B. If someone continues to say mean things and bully you, tell on them. If the teacher doesn't like it then can talk to me. Believe me, I know how to use my "big girl words".
C. If a kid hits you, tell. If they hit you and continue to hit you, hit back HARD. Hard enough to make the kid think twice before hitting you again. Why are we adults allowed self defense but our children are not? I have always told my children that if they hit someone first they will be in BIG trouble with me but if someone hits them first then they have my permission to hit back, then run away. And yes, I am perfectly aware of zero tolerance in schools, I think it is stupid and I will always stand with my child if someone attacks them and they defend themselves. Let me clarify one thing though, I have shown my kids where and how to hit someone in defense. Mostly because if it is an adult that is grabbing them I want them to be able to get away. And I always, ALWAYS have taught them that hitting is a last defense.