Tazmanian Terrible Three Year Old

It's an age, phase and probably a tad of jealousy with having a baby brother. They are at an age of trying to be independent little people and it is frustrating to them when they can't be.

My son acts like this too at times. He gets upset because he didn't get to shut off the TV, he didn't get to open/close the door, etc. The list can go on!! Like you, I try to validate his unhappiness. I'm know you are sad because you didn't get to shut off the tv, mommy will try to remember next time.

But if my son continues on with his fit then he gets counted to three and then he goes to time out for 3 mins. This goes for whining, begging, pestering, etc. The book 1 2 3 magic is great at explaining stop behaviors ( all the above mentioned) and getting children to do start behaviors (listening, clean up toys, etc). Normally I only have to get to 2 before he stops and acts right. I also use the same concept on my almost 10 yr old daughter but she gets toys (Nintendo, Ipod, TV) and privileges taken away instead of the time out.

Good luck!
S.

I completely understand where you're coming from! The thing that helped my child the very most was developing a rigid routine and sticking to it. I found that she didn't freak out when she better understood her world and what to expect. Once she figured out that after we have lunch, we have story time and then after story time we have nap time and when we wake up we have a snack, etc. then she really calmed down and there were fewer tantrums. I would also tell her what we were going to do. "Now we're going to have quiet time and watch Super Why together..." I also made her bedtime a little earlier and stuck to it with almost no exceptions.

Also, I found that giving choices seems to help. I would say, "You can choose how you want me to cut your sandwich - like a kite, or in squares." Or "you can take a nap in mommy's bed and have a drink of water, or you can lay down in your bed and have a book." That way they are making choices and sometimes they forget that the thing they really wanted isn't an option. LOL

Hope this will help. Good luck!

I am so sorry you are going through this. Again, whoever coined the phrase "terrible twos" never had a three year old, huh?

I LOVE Laurie A.'s answer and it worked for us. Here is my experience:

My daughter did the same thing. My husband and I did what you are doing. Then a friend suggested that it seemed like a control issue (duh) and that maybe I should work on my control/discipline and pick a time to really lay down the line. Once I got over my hurt feelings, I realized he was right.

So I picked a day where I didn't have to be at work early and I drew the line and I didn't budge. I remained calm, but when she began a fit over something like doing her hair the "wrong" way, I explained that we are going to leave for school and I won't redo her hair. She had a fit to end all fits but I didn't budge. I didn't explain again. It was soooo hard. I had to go into a room and close the door. She banged on the door and begged and really got to me. I didn't budge.

After a while (five minutes or five hours, not sure) she stopped her fit, calmed down, and said she was sorry. That was a first. I accepted her apology, didn't apologize back, and suggested we get going to school. Our mornings were MUCH better after that. I think I just kept giving in little by little that her tantrums were her way of controlling how far she could push me and she knew that I had to get to work so I would do anything to get out of the house.

I was able to do this because she didn't have siblings at the time, and it was a day I didn't have to be at work but she did have to go to school (but she could be late.) I don't know if you can maybe figure out a time when you could really lay down the line. Maybe have daddy take care of the baby and you work with the big boy? Or the opposite?

Good luck!

No one ever tells us that 3 is SO much harder than 2.

Our son is almost 4 (3 more months). Our neighbor's son turned 4 in January and was commenting that 4 is so much better - there is light at the end of the tunnel.

In our case, we simply have taken a hard line with our 3 year old and do not let him get away with his tantrums. He's a really great kid, and we know this quest for dominance is like a dog trying to figure out his place in the pack - the only problem is that we're older, smarter and not going to tolerate his tantrums.

He got a time out for the first time (in several weeks) on his sister's 2nd birthday on Saturday. He was being rotten. It did little to control him - he was tired, over-excited, and needed to get outside to release that pent-up energy. That seemed to take care of things.

In most cases, it's taking away something that is of considerable importance to him (going to the park, watching a favorite show, etc.).

I have noticed that reinforcing good behavior has been a better method than dealing with poor behavior. So, if he needs something and says, "Excuse me, Mommy......", we really try to commend him for his good manners. Everytime he does something extraordinarily good, we try to praise him and get the good vibes going in a greater quantity than the bad vibes.

That being said, each kid is so different, and I believe a lot of discipline is based upon their personalities. All we have to tell our 2 year-old daughter is a stern "No", and she's a bucket of tears and stops doing the bad behavior.

Good luck!

If he throws a fit, step over him and ignore him. Or Pick him up and put him in his room. Do this over and over till he stays in his room and clams down.

Get some ear plugs if you need. Go to your own room and close the door if you need. Simply say "You may come out of your room for a hug when you quit crying."Do not give in.

I suggest if you are somewhere in public and he is screaming, pick him up and leave every time. Do not say a word. Maybe place him in the car and close the door. Give yourself a minute or 2 to get calmed down and drive him home. We only had to do this 1 time for it to work.

If you do say anything give him some words. "You seem frustrated because I said no cookie." "You seem angry because you have to wear shoes."

If he is not verbal enough to express feeling and also does not always understand what he is feeling. Give him the words, but DO NOT give in. You can nip this in the bud now and not fool with this in the future. Give him the tools he needs.

We also learned that our daughter always did better if we gave her some control. No you cannot have a cookie, but you can have some juice or an orange. You need to wear shoes, do you want to wear spiderman or batman? We will leave in 5 minutes. Put your toys on your bed or back on the shelves.

Do not give them too many choices, it just frustrates them even more.

Then when he makes a choice tell him "good choice."

I am sending you strength.

Hi, sometimes it's the hardest thing in the world to be patient with kids. Keep in mind that they are first priority above anything else that we think needs to be done. When I have had enough I put myself in time out say uh oh mommy needs to calm down. Giving myself a minute to gain composure I think is an excellent teaching tool, this helps because it teaches my kids that time out is not a punishment it's just a time to get yourself in control, and they can watch how I do it. I take deep breaths. I learned from a parenting class that was so incredibly helpful there is a book too it's called "The Incredible years" I couldn't say enough wonderful things about the very helpful things in this book, and class. They definitely helped me become a better mom. Our children don't know how to deal with these strong feelings it is up to us to teach them. I do ignore certain behaviors, and return my attention as soon as the undesirable behavior stops, but I don't believe in just ignoring or letting them always figure it out for themselves I think that comes later after we have given them the tools to do so.
I took a tip I learned from the class witch was to have a time out chair and I call it the power chair, when they do something against the rules like throw something, or hit each other I say calmly uh oh go to time out please, that's it you don't explain anything at that point because when the child is in meltdown they won't hear anything you say anyway so save it for when they are calm, this will help you stay calm too. If my 4 year old doesn't go right away I say, if I have to take you to time out you will have a negative consequence if he goes great when his time is done witch is whatever time it takes him to calm down plus 2 minutes of quiet, then I come to him and say it looks like you have your power back good job calming down give him a big hug and have him apologize when needed. If he does not go I take him kicking punching and screaming to the chair, it has taken me a while but I have learned how to ignore this instead of getting fuming mad that I am being hit. I am trying to teach him to deal with things calmly so it doesn't help if I explode at his behavior. So I put him in the chair this takes time and practice if you haven't done it before it could take a very long time to put him back in the chair but eventually he will get the point and stay there. when I first started this with my son I think it took over an hour of him popping out of the chair and me putting him back in. If you need to take a break in this process you can remove yourself and breath for 30 seconds then come back and put him back in the chair. I told my little boy we will do this as long as it takes until you stay there. We are now at a point that he still cries and yells I don't want to go to time out, but he goes. If I did have to take him he has a negative consequence witch I don't' tell him right away what it is going to be. We get done with the time out thing a while later he want to watch a show or go outside, I say Oh I'm sorry sweet heart in a sad tone sense you chose to not go when I asked you to go to time out you don't get to do that this time, that is your negative consequence. I let that sink in for a minute then sometimes I will put it in his head that if he chooses to follow the rules he gets to do those fun things. Always end the conversation with the behavior you want instead of what you don't want the last thing you say will stick in there head more. So end on a positive. If he doesn't find something else to do I give him ideas you could look at a book or play with your cars. I do half days on this, if it happened in the morning no shows or outside time or whatever he really likes that he would miss for half a day then he gets another chance.
I agree that giving more attention for positive behaviors is way better over all. Another thing that is really helpful is practicing how to calm down with him when he's happy. Make it fun. Talk to him about when he gets mad and what are appropriate ways to get the mad out. He could run up and down the stairs, or shake his arms and breath deep in and out. He could count and breath. Whatever it is it really helps to practice in a calm time so he has that to go to when he's mad. You see him start to get mad and you can say remember we practiced what to do now, then do it with him. I wish you well and hope this helps. For my two year old I have found that putting her in her room for time out works better for her. If she hits I just take her to her room not a word, say I will come get you when you are done. I hold the door closed until she has been calm for 30 seconds to a minutes, then open the door and give her a big hug she needs to say sorry for hitting. If this is consistently done she will put it together that this behavior equals time out. I have caught her catching herself almost hitting then changing her mind for witch she gets lots of praise. Good Luck you can e-mail me if you have any specific questions. Using these techniques have certainly helped me calm down. ____@____.com
One more thing with the knife you could tell him he can do it with you and hold it with him, and he will get to do it by himself when he gets bigger. Little compromises that are ok with you help them learn how to compromise too.

I don't have any advice to offer--but I do agree.....three is sooo much harder than two!

i agree with everyone else - WHOever called it the terrible two's hadn't had a three year old!! my son is 3 1/2 and i really hope like someone said, it gets better soon. i could really use that light at the end of the tunnel too! i am about in the same boat as you, but don't have a 10 month old (don't think i could handle the both of them, to tell you the truth). one thing i would suggest is to offer him as MANY choices as you can. for instance, with the sandwich, i always ask my son if he wants "triangles or squares". as many choices as you can offer him, do. he will feel like he has some control. also get him to help you with as many tasks as you can. i.e. placing clothes in the dryer, unloading the dishwasher. my 3 year old is happiest glued right to my side. if he feels like he is contributing he is happier. just a couple thoughts...here's to the 4's! may they come quickly and quietly lol.

Give him a goal such as : if you don't throw a tantrum all morning we will head out to the park this afternoon...etc He'll get it after a few days so don't give in. Also spankings work miracles it might feel as if you are spanking quite a bit at first but it will taper off and of course we all feel awful spanking our children but just keep in mind you are shaping a child here and teaching what is acceptable and appropriate behavior. Before a spanking I would explain to the child why they were getting a spanking and ask them to repeat what I said to make sure they understood the "why". Get him to look you in the eye and tell you why and you'll see how quickly the lightbulb will go off : ) Good Luck

ahh yeah the 3's are very trying far more than 2. If you know he is picky about how his sandwiches are cut or any of his other quirks ask him how he wants it done before you do it. Now if he changes his mind after the sandwich is cut just say sorry this is how you are getting it since you asked for it this way and I made it special for you. If he is out of control and doesnt stop the fit put him in his room and tell him he has to stay there until he can calm down and if he wakes up his baby brother from nap then tell him if he is going to act like a baby he will be a baby and take a nap every time baby brother does. He is a big boy now and that is not how big boys act. You can do a behavior sticker chart then somehow have a special date time alone with your older son when he has behaved well enough to be treated like a big boy. If he gets whiney tell him you cannot understand him when he whines like that and needs to use his big boy voice. My wonderful angel in devils clothing is 3 right now and roaming the house, im just waiting for her head to spin at any given point for me or her brother doing something wrong.

OMG...I was just about to post this EXACT SAME QUESTION. He is like the devil's spawn right now and I've raised 2 kids to adulthood.

I al very much looking forward to your answers because I am at my wits end as well. Good luck to you!

I've responded to this type of questions a few times already so I'll just give you some links of my responses from other posts..hope it helps.

Regardless of what your history of communication-style...if you want QUICK results in regards to his attitude, I would suggest you look up Natural and Logical Consequences - there might be information on the internet. There's a book called, "Positive Discipline" or "Raising Respectful Kids in a Rude World" that has a whole section on Natural and Logical consequences.
Here are some responses I’ve written:
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/10908830979552509953
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/11648171422332813313