My 13 year old says she understands it is wrong for people to ask us to pay for things, to invite themselves, and to backstab us but she thinks forgiving them means letting them still come to our home as if nothing has happened. This is a life concept I need her to get and I don't know how else to explain it. I have recently vetoed two families because they tried to mooch things from us and others. The kids are not close at all although we have gotten together at community events including school events.
I want her to understand the money she earned for great grades and working is not to be given away to kids who ask her to buy them snacks or whatever when she is away from us. I don't want her being used and I don't want to have to limit her to carrying $3 per day to make sure she doesn't. Her generosity is sweet but needs to be guided. Any advice is welcome. Thank you Moms.
Mooching includes asking for her toys, clothes, etc... which their parents can afford. I babysat for each family when their moms had emergencies. The 9 year old girl stole a special toy after my daughter told her she doesn't give away presents from grandma. We realized it as soon as they left. The mom denied it and the girl brought it to school.
The second mom thanked me for replacing her kids lost stuff. I asked her what she meant. She said "I looked in my kids backpacks and saw you gave them charges for their electronics and some toys." They had gone and stolen my chargers but luckily we got them back. This is after I told them those were our chargers, the plugs would not even fit theirs(mini verses wide), and to leave them alone. Yes, I judge that. The parents have the money and always try to get free things. They even showed up at a lowincome health day for people without insurance. They both have insurance and I was volunteering. They just didn't want to pay $30 copay. Others NEEDED that. I do judge them. They are not welcome in our home. They are "school friends" only, if that. Their parents have money. They are not poor or working poor.
You can't control every little thing. You need to teach her to think critically about these situations on her own. You do so by using leading questions. "Do you think that is how a friend should act?" "What do you think?"
That also includes allowing her to experience the consequences of her choices.
Have you talked to her about friendship? How it is give and take and not just give? What does she get out of it?
When my SS was about 12, his then best friend stole some game cards from him and betrayed him by selling them to other kids. SS wanted to continue the friendship and we had to put in boundaries, like SS could not bring anything there he would not want missing (so he would come home, drop his bookbag, and then go to his friend's house) and the friend was not allowed in our home. Period. Not after DH had to confront the boy and his family about the cards. In the end, though, it had to be SS who saw the boy's behavior as unforgiveable and SS needed to decide to no longer be that boy's friend in any way.
If your daughter has x money from you, can you teach her to budget? Show her how people prioritize bills and such? Then let the natural consequence be that SHE does not go to the movie, etc. if she spends all her money on people who don't return the favor? It may be hard to say "No, I'm not giving you more money" but maybe that's the way she'll have to learn.
I got burned in college buying concert tickets for my sister and her friend.
A year later, sis asked if I'd cosign their lease. I said no. I told her that she and her proposed roommate stiffed me with tickets I could not use or sell and that was my food money for a week. I was not going to be on the hook for a rental for someone who couldn't even apologize for wasting my time and money on something less frivolous. It was hard to say and hard for my sister to hear and at the time she thought I was being mean. But when it was her dime and her time, she understood. She gets it now, why I didn't cosign anything I couldn't afford myself. She learned something when I made her stand on her own.
So if it were my child, I'd talk to her about friendship and values and standing up for herself and make it clear that if she doesn't use her money carefully, that is not something I will fix. From an early age we made the kids pay back even a quarter borrowed off their allowance and we did that to try to teach them responsibility. Even now I will tell my 6 yr old, "If I spend my money on candy, I cannot buy you good food. Good food is more important than candy. I need to spend it on good food first and see what we have left over."
I find it difficult as to why you choose certain families to shun. That bothers me.
We never shunned or banned any family from our home. That just sounds too judgmental to me.
Our school system ( k-12) has a computer setup for meals, etc. I checked our daughters once in middle school because she was spending a lotif cafeteria money ( plus taking food from home). Turned out... She was paying for a friend who had no money in her account ( non supportive parents) and the friend was ridiculed already so my daughter was paying for her lunches so she had less embarrassment within the peers.
As for your daughter and her $$$. She will learn fast who is using her and who is not. She might lose a few bucks and more along the way but she learns... Teens learn from experience. We as parents cannot possibly shelter them from everything.
They have to learn to grow, be independent and more. Some people will take advantage of them. Wouldn't you rather your daughter learn these dynamic now... While she's growing and figuring things out vs being a doormat at a job or else?
It's hard but you have to loosen your control and allow children to make decisions and mistakes... They learn from mistakes quickly, especially if it's their hard earned money!!
ETA: Wow! I think YOAu are mixing up your feelings of anger & resentment with how you think your daughter "should" feel.
Just a reminder that you never really know ANYONE else's financial situation unless you've lived their life. Sheesh.
Are you abiding to the save-give-spend guideline for her money?
Have her save 30%, give 30% to a charity.
Then SHE gets to spend her 40% how SHE sees fit.
She'll get it.
Bless her generous heart! She's a giver! Nothing wrong with that.
It can be so hard to support kids in finding the right balance with people! We want them to be nice, but not get taken advantage of.
At 13, I really would work with her to set boundaries with friends on her own. And teach her how to set limits- with money or otherwise. My best advice- practice them with her, don't just tell her what she should say, use scenarios that are likely or have happened and role play them with her. It helps SO much with their comfort level in actually saying these things when they need to. She will totally roll her eyes, but it works!
I would really tend toward her setting limits and boundaries with people versus vetoing people at this point. She will need this skill a lot in the coming years! Good luck!
She earned that money, not you, so let her figure out how to spend it. Making mistakes/poor choices is EXACTLY how kids learn and grow so stop micromanaging her. That's my advice.
You will be the sympathetic/wise ear when she gets taken advantage of.
I agree with Kimberlyn F. Sometimes we need to step back and let natural consequences happen, because this really truly is the best guide in life. Which do you want for her: doing what mommy said without understanding why vs feeling used, struggling for a bit with feeling bad, making a decision based on not wanting those feelings anymore, and ultimately using that experience when engaging with others for the rest of her life?
I understand your desire to protect her from toxic personality types, but this is a perfect opportunity for her to learn on her own when the consequences are really very minor. Plus, this concept that you are trying to teach her is really quite advanced, and even grown adults struggle to learn this :) Have patience.
is there not a happy medium here?
i'd be working with her on saying 'no, i can't do that' but surely she (and you) can do that without banishing the moochers altogether, right?
this is a life lesson. you don't learn life lessons by ducking them.
khairete
S.
In my honest opinion I'd say let her have a certain amount of her money per week for spending on junk. That is her money that is not for her food or her supplies for school or anything like that.
If she wants to give it all away then it's gone and she does without. No more money and no getting money ahead of her scheduled time.
She will learn the consequences of giving her money away and eventually she'll be so tired of doing without that she'll stop giving it away.
I'd say $10 per week would be enough on top of her lunch money but I'd do something like a lunch card where she can't give that food or money for food away.
The money your daughter earns now is best used at her discretion. That means sometimes she will learn hard lessons on her own. This includes recognizing when she's helping a good cause and when she's being used.
Back away and let her learn.
Who tells you what you can or can't do with the money you earn? Probably no one.
Why can't you just let the consequences of her choices be the teaching factor with her friends and her money? You could ask her about what she thinks are important qualities of a friend and of a great friendship.
She is still young and we learn by making mistakes and learning from them. We also learn by our successes too.
Another thing to consider is does she have any personal goals for her money? What are her personal savings goals? Is there some high ticket item she is saving to buy? What have you taught her to do with her money?
Be intentional about he teaching but allow the consequences to be the true teacher it is far superior to you in many ways. LOL
I have a few thoughts about how to handle this:
1) There are lots of books about friendships, you should look into this and have a discussion with her about what she's learned
2) Perhaps, with all her money, set up the "save, spend, donate" idea and let her use her spend fund on whatever she sees fit which may include buying stuff for her unsavory friends, which will lead to her learning the hard way
3) I do not agree with "it's her money so she can do whatever she wants with it". You are mom and you make the rules, her money or not. I've told my kids "you may not agree with my decision, and that's ok, but I am mom and make the final decision." My kids all bought their own iPods. They thought that since they paid for them with their own money from working, birthdays, etc, that I shouldn't have a say in when they could use them. They also wanted to have them in their rooms at night and didn't think I should check their iPods. I laughed and said just because they paid for them, I will ALWAYS have final say on how and when they are used.
Best wishes
I'm not sure I quite understand why certain people are "banned' from your home. Unless by "mooching" you mean stealing. Then I get it. If its just asking for things. Just say "no". If the kids are not close at all, why are they coming to your home? Inviting themselves? You tell them you are sorry, it is not a convenient time for company and to please call before dropping by. After a few times of this, they will get the hint. I do think adults often hold grudges far longer than kids. I'm not sure a little poor behavior would equal a lifetime ban from me. If they irritate your kids, the kids will distance themselves in due time.
I agree with the others about letting her decide on her own about spending money. Just let her know she has choices. It isn't polite for other to ask her to buy things for them. She can say "no" Does she think they would pay as much attention to her if she had no money? She can decide herself whether or not to leave some money as at home as an easier way out and/or to say no more often.
It seems to me that there are two different issues involved here. One is whether people from these families are invited/allowed into your home; the other issue is whether your daughter decides to buy snacks for other kids or such. For Issue 1, you certainly are on solid ground setting the boundary that they are not to be invited or welcomed in. For Issue 2, however, you are not on solid ground if you are telling your daughter how to use her money. It's hers, and as other replies said, the only way she will learn how to use it wisely is with practice, setting goals, and budgeting. You can help her set those goals and the budget, however at the end of the day, she's the one who needs to learn the results of how she uses it.
I liked the idea of sitting down with her and encouraging her to set up a budget; you even can show her a bit of how your own household budget works. It also seems fine for her to use some of her money to help other people or causes which she supports. I don't see it as bad if she decides to use some of her money to buy snacks for those kids, even if they aren't nice or the closest of friends. It's a chance for her to learn about how she chooses to use her money and whether it gets her what she hopes.
Anyway, good luck with it!
